Hi from a mostly happy unicorn

[justme22]

Hi,
I am in my early thirties, and recently divorced. I am currently in a triad with a lovely married couple. I had never heard of, or even considered polyamory before meeting them, but it has been a very wonderful experience for the most part. I think I am here to try to find like minded people to discuss some feelings that I have found creeping up on me. Mainly the feeling of wanting a relationship that can give me more than I am currently getting, I am not sure if this means adding a boyfriend into the mix, or requesting one on one time. While this is something I ultimately will discuss with them, and very, very soon, I am hoping to gather my thoughts and try to understand what feelings are normal in these relationships, and how others overcome them. I think I am also looking for a place where I can talk about my relationship, my life, without immediately being asked about sex, or what I as m going to do when I want to get married. Will likely be posting a long, detailed question soon, but for now, this covers it.
(ETA: I know that there are negative connotations with the word unicorn, but I knew it would make people look at my intro, and I am perfectly fine with embracing the term. I have put a lot of thought into it, and realized at the end of the day, I find it more funny than offensive, so I tend to use it in jest. (Hopefully I am not offending anyone)

 

[hyperskeptic]

Hi, I think I am here to try to find like minded people to discuss some feelings that I have found creeping up on me. Mainly the feeling of wanting a relationship that can give me more than I am currently getting, I am not sure if this means adding a boyfriend into the mix, or requesting one on one time.

Welcome!

You'll no doubt get a reply from our Official Greeter, very soon. In the mean time, you should brace yourself for a little push-back against your use of the term, 'unicorn', which many here consider to be problematic, if not offensive.

Take that with as much good grace as you can; for the most part it will be well intended, aimed at helping you to clarify your own position in the triad of which you are a part and to get at the roots of some of what you may be feeling.

Others have experienced similar feelings in similar circumstances, and there are fairly clear reasons why they have.

(As a hint, simply "adding" more people is not likely to be the answer; in fact, it's likely to compound the problem. The best solution may be some focused and honest conversations with the couple you're involved with, conversations that may end up being quite intense.)

Do take time to read around the forum; you might even search the term 'unicorn', though you may get an eyeful, if you do!

 

[justme22]

Yeah, I realize the negative connotation, but I kind of think the term is so interesting that I am okay with embracing it. I kind of use it in jest, meant to write that last night, but forgot.

 

[FallenAngelina]

...the feeling of wanting a relationship that can give me more than I am currently getting, I am not sure if this means adding a boyfriend into the mix, or requesting one on one time.

Welcome, JustMe. I have been dating a couple (it's going very well) and also have been called a unicorn - always as a high compliment. My observation is that the blowback here against that term is more directed at couples seeking an unrealistic and self-serving liaison with a vulnerable woman. You seem pretty clear on the lay of that land, so hopefully we can move beyond the nomenclature in this thread.

I think one reason my experience is going well is because everyone involved is very clear minded and respectful about boundaries and expectations. They are a very clear unit and I have no desire to "get more" than the slowly developing intimacy we're already enjoying. I'm happy to just let things be and enjoy the togetherness and they feel the same. Likewise, they are very respectful of me and my individuality and there is no weird crap. I am very open to an additional, separate relationship with a woman and would welcome that when it arises. As far as my couple-relationship goes, I am a free agent and my other involvements are my own. I think it only serves you to know clearly that you want that one-on-one sweetness, but that is something that you just have to let flower. You can't really negotiate it into being. If you would, please say more about why you would need to "request one on one time." Do you have romantic feelings for one of the people in your couple? If so, that's an important piece of information for this discussion. If not, then you're likely not going to find intimacy developing that isn't already there. It's natural that you'd want one-on-one love and it's nothing you need to request. Would it be a "violation" in your implied relationship agreement?

 

[opalescent]

You are happy with a couple, in a good situation, which makes you even rarer than a unicorn! You're a RAINBOW SPARKLY GLITTER PEGASUS!

I'm glad you are what sounds like good relationships with this couple. It seems like you are figuring out what you feel and what you want and you seem to be comfortable about talking things over with your partners. That's all good stuff.

Look, there are certain patterns of thought and behavior that often lead to disaster and pain for both women who want to be with a couple and couples looking for another partner. If you spend any time searching and reading threads about, by and for unicorns you will come across them. That's where the horrible stereotype comes from. It's painful to see the repetitive nature of these patterns play out over and over again on the forum. (And it's true - we more often see the 'bad' because happy people don't post as much cause they are happy.) It wouldn't hurt you to read these, as that is the fastest way to get a sense of what others have found does not work. But reading the threads may not give the same sense of what does work (although I could be wrong as there are 'positive' threads out there).

One reason is that poly (and especially triads) seems to turn Tolstoy's famous words from Anna Karenina 'All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.' on its head. Unhappy unicorns and couples often seem to be unhappy in pretty predictable ways. But happy unicorns and their couples seem to be happy in ways that they came to on their own. They figured out how to be happy in ways that are unique to them. So there is no 'one way' to be a happy contented unicorn with couple. There is only the ways that work well for you and your partners.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi,
I am in my early thirties, and recently divorced. I am currently in a triad with a lovely married couple.

Welcome, justme. Are you recovered from your newly ended relationship? What drew you to dating 2 people of a couple? That's some difficult shit, especially as you may be rebounding already.

I had never heard of, or even considered polyamory before meeting them, but it has been a very wonderful experience for the most part.

How long have you been together? Did you read anything about poly before trying it? How experienced is your couple? Do they have a list of rules you must abide by, not allowed any input or tweaking?

Some newly poly couples believe they need a "girl" who is compliant, and will have 3some sex and dates with them (nothing one on one), and not have kids, and not have any other partner(s) of her own, and no privates texts of emails to either, etc., to "protect" their coupled relationship. This is stupid. You have just as many rights as either of them do. You have a right to one on one sex, if you desire it, and one on one dates, and privacy in your texting, and kids of your own, and a room of your own in their house (if moving in is considered), and you must not be put in the role of unpaid, unappreciated babysitter of their children.

I think I am here to try to find like minded people to discuss some feelings that I have found creeping up on me. Mainly the feeling of wanting a relationship that can give me more than I am currently getting, I am not sure if this means adding a boyfriend into the mix, or requesting one on one time.

I guess they have told you neither is allowed to you? Why on earth would you agree to this in the first place?

While this is something I ultimately will discuss with them, and very, very soon, I am hoping to gather my thoughts and try to understand what feelings are normal in these relationships, and how others overcome them. I think I am also looking for a place where I can talk about my relationship, my life, without immediately being asked about sex...

The monogamous culture does believe poly means "hot threesome sex, 2 girls and one man, woohoo!" doesn't it?

... or what I am going to do when I want to get married.

Aww, honey, you just got divorced! Your friends (or other forum members) assume you want to remarry soon?

Do you have kids? Does your couple have kids? Is this relationship really serving you well? Do you desire (re)marriage in the near future? Is there an age gap between you and the others? If your relationship survives, there are other legal ways to be protected financially, and to be considered next of kin in hospital situations, etc. As for the spiritual aspect of marriage, there is "handfasting."

Will likely be posting a long, detailed question soon, but for now, this covers it.
(ETA: I know that there are negative connotations with the word unicorn, but I knew it would make people look at my intro, and I am perfectly fine with embracing the term. I have put a lot of thought into it, and realized at the end of the day, I find it more funny than offensive, so I tend to use it in jest. (Hopefully I am not offending anyone)

Heh, you are, but if it gets your thread more hits, oh well.

 

[justme22]

Thanks for the welcoming replies. I guess I should just clarify here. We have known each other for about a year, have been actually dating around 6 months, and kind of fell into it, really. They are fairly new to poly but have dated others before me. I really love the relationship we are building, I love the intimacy, I feel really secure, we talk all the time, and there are no boundaries imposed by them about our relationship or any of that. However, I do have a family and other responsibilities that don't really mesh well with being with them as much as I would really like, and at this time, that is not something I can do a lot about. I think that this is mainly due to my self-imposed rules for myself about keeping my children and my dating life separated until I am very certain that they aren't going anywhere.The problem is, I am beginning to have this nagging feeling that no matter how much we love each other, at the end of the day, they go home to each other, and I go home alone, I think I just want/need someone to go home to now and again, if that makes sense. Maybe not even one on one time per say, just real, quality time. Thinking it over now, this could be stemming from the fact that I have been working a lot and dealing with other responsibilities and it seems that we have only been going on "dates" lately, but it is really nagging at me. Maybe it is time to let them meet my family? I am just not sure what the solution is. I honestly don't know that I would want to add someone else to the mix, because honestly, I am not sure I would have enough time to properly devote to someone else, as I am already stretched thin. That is my conundrum, hope it makes some sense, and please excuse my typos, on my phone.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings justme22,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It is okay to "be a unicorn" as long as it doesn't imply the many negatives the word usually implies (at least here). As for what you should do about your feeling of lacking, I'm not sure what to tell you, although getting some one-on-one time sounds like a good idea.

I encourage you to read lots of posts on our various threads and boards, and let us know whatever questions you have. Glad to have you with us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[FallenAngelina]

.... I think I just want/need someone to go home to now and again.....I honestly don't know that I would want to add someone else to the mix, because honestly, I am not sure I would have enough time to properly devote to someone else, as I am already stretched thin.

You're describing the feelings of many a single parent, which it sounds like you are. Your current love interest has other ties and commitments (that mirror the intensity your own) and can only go so far with you emotionally. You long for a love to call your own, at the end of the day when you get into bed by yourself. It's not so much a unicorn issue as it is a single parenting issue. Or?

 

[rattydevo]

hi

We are a happily married couple hete but we were not looking for any thing just a play mate but after a little while me and wife were talking of having him in our relationship. . But not sure how to go about it ... turns out he beat us and asked us if we be happy for him to be involved in a relationship and have him ... we talked about it and decided we give it ago .. since then it has been great all round in freindship social and more ... and we 3 are very happy so yes it does work just took some time find that right guy ...