Hi I'm aroace, could use some advice on my partner being poly

[Rook]

Hello my name is Rook, and I use they/she pronouns I'm new here.
A bit of background/info on me - I'm aromantic, asexual, and for the last two years I've been in a romantic relationship with my partner, "A". I didn't know I was aro until last year, and in learning about aromanticism I also learned a lot about queerplatonic relationships and relationship anarchy, and from there I started learning about polyamory.

A couple months ago A told me he's poly and is interested in another person. I want to be supportive! I'm aroace and the line between friendship and dating kinda blurs for me, but there's a lot to romance / sexual attraction that I just don't get. Since then we've talked a lot about what that would mean for our relationship, while he's slowly been getting to know this other girl he likes (they're currently still in the "talking"/pre-dating phase). He's been really respectful and steady through everything, and until recently has been good about reassuring my insecurities about him exploring other relationships. I've been learning all I can about polyamory, I read Polysecure, endless articles, blog posts, and whatever advice I could find online. I'm pretty bad with change and reading helps me feel less out of control.

Last week A mentioned he'd had a really good conversation with "K", the girl he likes (we're all musicians and spend a lot of time in the same rehearsal space). I've been making lists of my questions about poly for A, and so I started asking him some of those questions. I asked if he'd learned/read anything about being poly or poly relationships, and he said "No, I barely even read about my own research". I asked if he'd thought about what being in multiple relationships would be like for him, he said "A little. You never know until you try". When I asked if he'd listen to the Multiamory podcast with me (since he's not big into reading but does listen to podcasts), he said "Maybe, probably not".

I also asked more specific questions about how the time we spend together would change, and some (probably) insecurity-inspired questions about him wanting to spend all his time with K because of the shiny newness (NRE). I told him I was worried he'd start wanting to spend all his time with K once they start dating / having sex, since I'm ace and sex isn't part of our relationship. I was pretty emotional and maybe worded things badly, but his takeaways from our conversation have me newly worried. He said that he doesn't know anyone that schedules their relationship, and that this was like a "child custody agreement" where we were fighting for time with him. I kept telling him it would me feel better to have scheduled time together when he's dating other people, and he ultimately got frustrated and said we could schedule, basically shutting that part of the conversation down. When I expressed my insecurities he said "I know you don't trust me.", and at that point the conversation wasn't being productive, I was crying, he was frustrated, so we gave it up for the night. He still reassures me, says he loves me and says he likes spending time with me. But now I feel like I can't express my fears without him feeling I don't trust him

Besides that talk going badly, I'm worried about his relationship with "K". We're college students, and on the scheme of things pretty inexperienced. I've only ever dated A, though he's had several girlfriends/partners (though never more than one at once) previously. K has never dated anyone before, and I presume she's mono/straight. This would be easier if A would be looking for another partner from the poly community, but this is basically the opposite. I know K has been made aware that A and I are in a relationship (he told her a couple months ago that "we [he and I] are in a romantic relationship"), but it's not like it's obvious. I'm worried K and A are getting close and she still isn't really in the loop that a relationship with him would be a poly relationship. I'm not there for most of their interactions, but I really don't think K would consider a relationship with A knowing that he's still in a partnership with me. Beyond that, I've always been intimidated by her, might even have a bit of a platonic crush on her too, and I don't know how to go about getting to know her.

So I've got a few concerns/questions:

1. Should I be concerned that A isn't interested in learning about poly relationships? I know that's how I handle stuff, not him, and if anyone could wing it, he could, but still. I feel like he's drawing from the mono playbook and if he really does start dating another person it's not gonna go well.
2. The poly community is all about upfront communication, and I don't think K knows about me!!! They haven't gone on an official date yet, and I don't know the right time for that conversation, but I feel more and more uneasy with time. It's on A to make this clear for K.
3. I'm still worried that A dating someone else is gonna mean less time with me. I feel really dependent on him (though I'm trying to lessen that), and he's making me nervous by not wanting to even think about scheduling time together. In our mono partnership we've just sorta passively spent a ton of time together and I don't know how that'll change when/if he and K start to date.
4. Anyone have advice? I've spent way too long thinking about this and I don't know how to have another talk with A that won't be a repeat of our last one. I tried talking to some of my other friends about this earlier, but they both seemed too against/uninformed about poly relationships for me to bring up poly stuff again

 

[Magdlyn]

So, A just "found out" he was poly a couple of months ago, and now he's pursuing someone else, without having done any research into poly, or how it works, even when you requested that.

I am not aromantic or asexual. I am still learning about that. How do you go about having a romantic r'ship if you don't have romantic feelings? How is it that A has had a sexless r'ship with you for two years, if he likes sex? I mean, I can see him wanting to share sex and romance with someone else.

I get that you two are important to each other, and have had a good run (for people your age), but maybe A is using the "poly" term as an excuse to do a soft breakup, if he thinks he's found a person more compatible for him.

Yes, it's problematic K doesn't know that you and A are in a serious r'ship. Most poly people tell a dating prospect about their poly status very early on. If it's online, they mostly put it in their profiles. If it's an irl meeting, it's generally on the first date. People need to know this. Most people are not interested in polyamory (yet). They don't understand it as it's a fairly new concept.

Of course you and A would be spending less time together if he starts dating K. Yes, it's like a child custody agreement haha. Many poly people with 2 or more partners rely heavily on a calendar to keep everyone on top of when they can see each other, that is, until you've been together long enough to have a mostly-set schedule. But even then, there are exceptions for vacations, holidays, special events (like a concert or show or sporting event, etc.) work issues, illness of self or a family member, etc.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

If you're aromantic, surely you don't have a romantic relationship with this man. If you are romantic and feel like you can want to be counted as a normal girlfriend (that's what it sounds like), drop the "aro" label.

If you are aromantic, it's probably logical that someone who is both romantic and sexual is going to find it difficult to find this relationship as fulfilling as a relationship with a romantic and sexual partner. Perhaps find people who want queer platonic partnership instead.

Him dating someone else will likely mean less time with you. Or shared time.

I think it's about accepting that you have a fundamental incompatibility and that he probably can't view this relationship as the type of serious life companionship that you can.

There is a chance that having a sexual and romantic relationship with other people will let him appreciate your relationship at a new level. But in my experience, that's rare.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok?

You're all in college? You're only dating A? K never dated anyone before A? This is A's first poly hinge attempt? I'd say you are right to have some concerns.

I've been learning all I can about polyamory, I read Polysecure, endless articles, blog posts, and whatever advice I could find online. I'm pretty bad with change and reading helps me feel less out of control.

You started monogamously. If he wants to quit, he can do that. So could you. It doesn't mean you automatically have to sign up to do polyamory because he wants that now. You don't have to sign up to do a new deal with A.

Do you even want to practice poly? Or are you thinking of just going along with it to avoid a break-up?

But if you are thinking about changing to a poly model, I think it is good that you are educating yourself to see what it is all about.

What happens if your way of doing poly is not compatible with A's way of doing poly? Are you prepared to end it with him?

If this is your first dating relationship, maybe you could ALSO read about how to break up respectfully. It's a vital dating skill.

I've been making lists of my questions about poly for A, and so I started asking him some of those questions. I asked if he'd learned/read anything about being poly or poly relationships, and he said "No, I barely even read about my own research". I asked if he'd thought about what being in multiple relationships would be like for him, he said "A little. You never know until you try". When I asked if he'd listen to the Multiamory podcast with me (since he's not big into reading but does listen to podcasts), he said "Maybe, probably not".

Some people like to learn by "just jumping in." I am not that type for poly. For learning a craft, sure, I'll jump in with beads, clay, paints, etc. Paint doesn't care if I mess up.

But for PEOPLE relationships, I'd rather take more care than "jump in blind." I would not take up with a potential hinge who wants to approach things like this. I'd vote "no confidence" in this hinge having the skills to take care of me and other partners well.

I also asked more specific questions about how the time we spend together would change, and some (probably) insecurity-inspired questions about him wanting to spend all his time with K because of the shiny newness (NRE).

Fair to ask. You wanted to be reassured he's not going to forget about you and will make time for you, even if caught up in NRE. He's taking it personally, like you don't trust him, when time management, poly education and poly skills are realistic things to talk about.

And no, you do not trust him to manage his time well, because you've yet to experience him as a poly hinge. You just don't know. So what would the trust be based on? Air?

When he gets humphy about it, that does not inspire confidence.

If he would think it over and have real conversations with you, admit it is a risk and talk about ways to mitigate it, that might inspire enough confidence to go there with him, even though he'd be a newbie hinge. Like fine, be a newbie. Everyone is a newbie once. But be a PREPARED newbie, rather than a "Whatevs" newbie, or a "Why can't you just trust me blindly?" newbie.

Now you get to decide if you want to explore polyamory with him, like this, or if it is too many changes, feels too out of control, and too risky to take up with a "Why can't you just trust me blindly?" newbie.

You might rather quit, bow out and deal with a break-up, than deal with wacky-sounding stuff to come. If you wanted polyamory, you could explore it with people who are more like you, who want to learn, read ahead of time, etc.

Should I be concerned that A isn't interested in learning about poly relationships? I know that's how I handle stuff, not him, and if anyone could wing it, he could, but still. I feel like he's drawing from the mono playbook and if he really does start dating another person it's not gonna go well.

Yes, you might be concerned. Jumping in blind is not great. You cannot MAKE him educate himself about common pitfalls. He might be one of those learners that has to get in there and try things out to learn. You get to decide if you want to stick around for that, or not.

The poly community is all about upfront communication, and I don't think K knows about me! They haven't gone on an official date yet, and I don't know the right time for that conversation, but I feel more and more uneasy with time. It's on A to make this clear for K.

Yes. It is dishonest not to disclose, preferably before the 1st date (because if K is monogamous, it's just not compatible from the start), but certainly by the end of the 1st date.

I'm still worried that A dating someone else is gonna mean less time with me.

It will. It is his time to spend. But if he's now spending it across 2 partners, plus friends, family, school, and work, there are only 24 hours in a day. Also, a huge chunk goes to sleeping, eating, doing homework, etc.

I feel really dependent on him (though I'm trying to lessen that), and he's making me nervous by not wanting to even think about scheduling time together. In our mono partnership we've just sorta passively spent a ton of time together and I don't know how that'll change when/if he and K start to date.

Why have you become dependent on him? Have you done what you are afraid he will do? You spent all your time with A when he was your New Shiny Person and neglected your other friends?

Think about how much time you need to be happy in a relationship, whether it is scheduled formally, or not. What would it be? Once a week? Twice a week?

If A doesn't provide this much time, what will you do? Ask for changes? And if changes don't come, you'll bow out, because you don't get enough here to make it worthwhile anymore?

Is this, as your first relationship, going to keep you here longer than necessary? Being new to dating, will you give too many second chances, drag out a break up? That's what I usually see in young people. They so much want it to work, but they are new to basic dating skills AND polyamory dating skills. I gave all my kids this book. Since you are in the age group, you might consider getting it.

All About S.E.X.: The Scarleteen Book!

Considered by many to be *the* sex and relationships book for young people, this Lambda Literary Award nominee currently in its 2nd edition covers everything from STIs to sexual orientation⁠, body image⁠ to birth control, masturbation⁠ to media to misogyny, the anatomy⁠ of the clitoris⁠ to...

www.scarleteen.com

You might also read these if you have not already:

A First Polyamory Guide

(Mostly) everything (okay, okay, not mostly everything, but a lot) you wanted to know about polyamory.

www.scarleteen.com

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

web.archive.org

especially

Avoid the Pitfalls and Reap the Rewards of Polyamorous Relationships

Lack of poly education is the #1 pitfall. #2 is lack of basic relationship skills.

You can also read:

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Anyone have advice? I've spent way too long thinking about this and I don't know how to have another talk with A that won't be a repeat of our last one.

If you and A cannot do conflict resolution well, that's another reason to pause and reconsider if you feel like doing poly with A. How will you solve poly problems that arise? Always like THIS?

I tried talking to some of my other friends about this earlier, but they both seemed too against/uninformed about poly relationships for me to bring up poly stuff again

You have no poly friends, or friends who might not be poly, but aren't judgmental? How about some supportive family? Do you have money for a poly counselor? Who will you turn to for support when there are problems? Are you going to do poly and be like a lonely little island when struggles arise? Anon internet boards might help some, but they can't bring you soup if you are sad or come take you out for a walk to air out, or give you professional guidance.

A support system is very needed.

Tread with caution.

I'm not trying to be mean or a wet blanket or anything. But you are responsible for your own well being. Don't let your soft feelings for A lead you into doing wonky poly stuff, if he, as a hinge, is just not fit for the job at this time, doesn't see common concerns and problems, and doesn't want to do anything about it or educating himself.

He is free to jump in blind and explore poly like that. You don't have to. Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU. You get to decide what you are and are not up for.

Doing wonky undereducated poly might be something you decide to pass on, because you want YOUR poly experience to go better than that.

Galagirl

 

[Rook]

Ok wow, lots of info. First, some general info on being aromantic and/or asexual.

If you're aromantic, surely you don't have a romantic relationship with this man. If you are romantic and feel like you can want to be counted as a normal girlfriend (that's what it sounds like), drop the "aro" label.

Aromantic people do not feel romantic attraction. We can still be in romantic relationships and love people, just not in a romantic way. And everything comes on a spectrum. Aro people can do romantic things with partners (holding hands, kissing, going on dates, etc) without the romantic feeling attached. Aro people can still belong in fulfilling, intimate relationships, romantic or not. Asexual people don't feel sexual attraction. Some don't like sex, some are indifferent and have sex for their partners, and some have high libidos and seek out sex.

Besides that, thanks for breaking it all down for me. It would be hard for me to give up on this relationship, and I'm not ready to yet. But we'll see how things progress, and if A exploring poly really doesn't work for me, I think I'd rather break up than get hurt keeping him stuck to me. It's just hard. I'm not closed to poly / relationship anarchy in general. I guess I was expecting this sort of advice, and it bums me out, but makes sense.

You might also read these if you have not already:

I'll definitely be looking into these, Thanks.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Aromantic people do not feel romantic attraction. We can still be in romantic relationships and love people, just not in a romantic way.

Okay. Read this out loud to yourself. I'm sorry but it just doesn't compute.

If you don't feel "romantic attraction", then your relationship is not romantic.

This is not the same as an asexual person being in a sexual relationship. A relationship becomes sexual through the presence of sex. A tangible thing. You're either having sex and/or sexual activity/contact with the person, or you're not. You can certainly have sex with someone or fool around without feeling sexual attraction just by engaging in the activity.

The reason why this might be important for your situation is because this partner of yours may not feel like they're obliged to fulfil partner obligations such as appearing unavailable for others when you keep professing that your relationship is not romantic and presumably, not sexual. Or at least, you don't take the same joy out of sex that he does.

For an allo person (that's what you call us, right?), that sounds pretty much like a friendship. And the more you add to say "but we share intimacy in this way and that way", the more it sounds like it's just a normal, healthy relationship where nobody is having sex they don't want to have. It's a romantic partnership. And you want to be in it with that person?

Why?

Likely because you experience the same "romantic attraction" that the majority of people do. People like us.

So before you potentially make yourself seem way more unavailable than you are, I'd consider whether "aro" is really a fitting label. Or whether it is going to communicate a level of emotional unavailability that just isn't accurate for you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Rook,

It sounds like you want a more structured, informed poly relationship, while A wants more of a whimsical, naive poly relationship. This is a significant difference, and could lead to bigger problems down the road. I don't think A is gonna change; it falls on you to decide whether you can tolerate his style of a poly relationship. If you can't, then I have to say this will all probably end with a breakup (between you and A). This is nobody's fault, it's just that there are different styles of poly, and you and A are pretty much on opposite poles. If K is monogamous, that will probably further complicate the situation.

I'll try to think of ways to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.