Hi! New to this! I bet that’s a frequent title...

SassyALpolly

New member
Hi all,

I posted in the North America section first, then decided it’d be good to post an intro here.
Hubby and I have been married almost a decade in a monogamous relationship though we’ve talked lots about other options over the years. I’m not comfortable with sharing too many revealing details about us and our family just yet because our circle and especially our jobs just don’t mesh with this lifestyle. We will forever be closeted except to very few highly trusted friends.
I’m mid 30’s he’s early 40’s and currently I’ve had a limited and boundaried relationship with a male friend who has been strictly a platonic friend for a long time, turned kind of spicy with very set boundaries as of recently. He is married as well and his wife is well aware and accepting. She and I have talked, had a girls night, and follow each other on social media, but aren’t bonded friends in real life. I don’t know that we will be.
With the above described plunge, hubby is feeling understandably confused/envious/jealous, kind of a mix of all while still being very open in communicating his feelings and us working through what is and is not okay. We are A-okay with each other and extremely connected.


ETA: Hubby is exploring the thought of openness for himself/us... not sure how to define it yet. Not a fan of labels anyway. The thought of him having a gf is a definite thing we’re interested in, just feeling this thing out as we go.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings SassyALpolly,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are in the early stages of experiencing open/poly. There will be a lot to consider for awhile, til you get used to things. Hopefully you can find a girlfriend for your hubby, it is often harder for a married guy to find someone than a married woman! If you have any questions let us know, we are usually pretty friendly and helpful with advice and info. Glad you could join us!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

SassyALpolly

New member
As I have pretty much lurked and read everything for over a year, I wanted to update and re-introduce where we are now and connect a little.
The last year has been a whirlwind of both successes and failures. While I haven’t posted again on here, believe me I have read a lot and all the stories are encouraging or givers of perspective.
I am going to follow tradition of the board and give the ones in my life nicknames. We’ll call hubby Legend and the aforementioned friend turned more, Myth.
As we waded through trials of attempting to find a girlfriend for Legend and figuring out emotions along the way, I found that I enjoyed this lifestyle more than originally imagined and did not experience jealousy in a serious sense; almost to the point of feeing guilty that I didn’t. We had a series of “tries” with some gf possibilities. One was absolutely great and happens to be on this board, but her husband pulled the stop. *we still miss her! The next try was pretty awesome too and we all clicked and even had a little fun together, but she lived 3 hours away and it was just to difficult to manage. The next was an epic failure, she was NUTS; totally hot and fun, but equally psycho.
We became great friends with one gf via a social media group. She and Legend had an amazing first in person meeting and for a year now we have all been great friends. She even became a rock for me in some extreme family drama going on. Again, this one lives hours away as well and it is pretty much a phone and social media relationship. I have yet to ever meet her in person, though she is one of the closest to heart people that I can call when things get REAL. She is married and her husband is poly as well, it is all a great friendship all the way around. In all this time we’ve had a few more local potentials that started out fairly well but just didn’t click. It is a difficult road, and to think we CHOSE to dive into this difficulty of dating others when we’re actually great by ourselves. Some days I think maybe it added too much extra to life to be worth the trouble, but then I reflect on the extra close relationships formed and the added communication between me an Legend, that I think it is still worth plugging along. *As a matter of fact, he is on a day-date now with a potential that he met 3 weeks ago. So we’ll see how that pans out.

Now to the part of Myth. Myth and I were long time friends before the weird, unexpected spark of something else occurred. In my profession and just in general my close friends are all men, always have been.
 

SassyALpolly

New member
Weird... once approved, the part about myth that I had typed just disappeared. I guess I’ll have to find the energy to re-summarize it
 

SassyALpolly

New member
As for the part missing about Myth...
The ride into this new frontier began with him as we were in a normal for us setting as our usual friend selves, we had been pretty close for a while. We ended up in some sultry conversation and a kiss; I told Legend the very next day and the discussions and trials of navigating this ride began.
I set very defined boundaries for myself from the get go, for many reasons but the biggest being absolute fear of pregnancy, I do not want intercourse with anyone other than Legend. With that said, though much to the dismay of Myth, we settled on kissing, touching, and the usual friendship we already had with now an added level of “extra” in the way we knew each other and things we discussed.
As we plugged along and learned, Legend still had problems with trying not to feel jealousy while still holding the door open for me to spend time with my friend.
Fast forward to early this year: A major devastating upset happened in our family related to some drama totally unrelated to our marriage or this relationship style... just garbage that would have happened any way no matter what. In the midst of this blind-sided hit, I have been really struggling and that is very abnormal for me. I hide it well and most people except a very small few even know that anything has happened and I wear a smile. When the tragedy struck I delved farther into my work as a distraction as I was having a hard time dealing and really withdrew (still feel withdrawn). Legend was having a hard time already with finding a suitable gf and it was beginning to feel like too much work to him, and he was having a hard time dealing with this new me that couldn’t get out of my gloom and despair over the other issue going on. Legend apparently began attributing my withdrawal to Myth, kind of a misdirected point of blame. He asked me if I would cut it off entirely with Myth, that he just couldn’t handle it anymore. At the point I was at right then, just trying to breathe and pretend to the outside world that I was okay while feeling nothing but numb, I didn’t care. WHat was one more loss? As a matter of fact, maybe it would be just as relieving to Myth for me to just vanish and no longer be a burden on him either since I was suddenly and unusually unable to cope with this new life tragedy. Legend asked me repeatedly if I would resent him for calling this veto, I assured him I would not (and I don’t). At that moment which has now been almost 3 months, I could only focus on trying to pull myself out of a black hole. Sinking.caving.numb. I let him send the cold, impersonal message to Myth and said nothing. Right then, it was just one more thing I simply couldn’t deal with though in hindsight it was a total dick move on my part that I didn’t at least give him a proper explanation and/or apology.
Now, almost 3 months later; I am still coping with the life changes that took place and I am not at all whole, but some days I am coming out of the darkness and see glimmers of light. I do miss Myth very much, but at this point I feel it’d be cruel of me to even suggest reconnecting even at just a platonic friend level. I just simply was not a friend like I should have been by dismissing the friendship so easily and going numb. I know that Legend has deserved more of me than he’s gotten in the last 6 months and I feel that I let my special friend down too.
All that said, Legend is my solid rock... he worries too much about me sometimes, but we communicate well (except when I have been so lost in recent months that I found it hard to speak). And I love him with my whole heart. Bless him he is trying to deal with the once fearless strong me who has been suddenly broken the last few months. I don’t even know how to deal with THIS me.
I miss Myth... I want to re-establish the friendship... but I also feel that is cruel and selfish of me and that I should just suck it up and forget that I care.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Make sure when you sign on, to click on "Remember me," or else you'll time out while making a long post, or when starting to write and then getting interrupted and coming back.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi SassyALpolly,

Sorry to hear about your recent family hardship; I hope you are able to find some healing. I'm sure it would be okay to get back in touch with Myth ... Just tell him that you would like to reestablish the friendship, and let him decide. Hang in there!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Welcome to posting after all the lurking! I hope it helped to write out all your recent difficult experiences. Maybe it was a little therapeutic.

The ride into this new frontier began with Myth as we were in a normal, for us, setting as our usual friend selves. We had been pretty close for a while. We ended up in some sultry conversation and a kiss; I told Legend the very next day, and the discussions and trials of navigating this ride began.

I set very defined boundaries for myself from the get go, for many reasons, but the biggest being absolute fear of pregnancy. I do not want intercourse with anyone other than Legend.

Do you fear pregnancy with Legend as well?

With that said, though much to the dismay of Myth, we settled on kissing, touching, and the usual friendship we already had, with now an added level of “extra” in the way we knew each other and things we discussed.

So Myth adapted to the "no PIV" boundary. But the relationship deepened.

As we plugged along and learned, Legend still had problems with trying not to feel jealousy while still holding the door open for me to spend time with my friend.

"Plugged along" sounds like hard work. It sounds like, while you love Legend being poly, he doesn't love to "share you" with another male. The old competition, alpha/beta patriarchal thing? Is he also terrified you could get pregnant by the "wrong" man?

That's kind of the entire basis of monogamy, the idea that a man owns his wife, and owns the offspring he gets on her. Women's sexuality is controlled so the male is assured (he hopes) that his finances only benefit his own biological children.

It's a big hurdle when switching from a mono to a poly way of thinking and behaving.

Fast forward to early this year: A major devastating upset happened in our family related to some drama totally unrelated to our marriage or this relationship style. Just garbage that would have happened any way, no matter what.

In the midst of this blind-sided hit, I have been really struggling, and that is very abnormal for me. I hide it well and most people except a very small few even know that anything has happened. I wear a smile. When the tragedy struck I delved farther into my work as a distraction, as I was having a hard time dealing and really withdrew (still feel withdrawn).

Legend was having a hard time already with finding a suitable gf, and it was beginning to feel like too much work to him, and he was having a hard time dealing with this new me that couldn’t get out of my gloom and despair over the other issue going on. Legend apparently began attributing my withdrawal to Myth, kind of a misdirected point of blame.

Wasn't Legend aware of the great loss or "garbage" that caused you to become so withdrawn from everyone?

He asked me if I would cut it off entirely with Myth. He just couldn’t handle it anymore. At the point I was at right then, just trying to breathe and pretend to the outside world that I was okay while feeling nothing but numb, I didn’t care. What was one more loss? As a matter of fact (I thought), maybe it would be just as relieving to Myth for me to just vanish and no longer be a burden on him either, since I was suddenly and unusually unable to cope with this new life tragedy.

Legend asked me repeatedly if I would resent him for calling this veto. I assured him I would not (and I don’t). At that moment, which has now been almost 3 months, I could only focus on trying to pull myself out of a black hole. Sinking. Caving. Numb.

I let him send the cold, impersonal message to Myth. I said nothing. Right then, it was just one more thing I simply couldn’t deal with, though in hindsight it was a total dick move on my part that I didn’t at least give him a proper explanation and/or apology.

Now, almost 3 months later, I am still coping with the life changes that took place. I am not at all whole, but some days I am coming out of the darkness and see glimmers of light. I do miss Myth very much, but at this point I feel it’d be cruel of me to suggest reconnecting, even at just a platonic friend level. I just simply was not a friend like I should have been by dismissing the friendship so easily and going numb.

I know that Legend has deserved more of me than he’s gotten in the last 6 months and I feel that I let my special friend down too.

All that said, Legend is my solid rock... he worries too much about me sometimes, but we communicate well (except when I have been so lost in recent months that I found it hard to speak). And I love him with my whole heart. Bless him, he is trying to deal with the once fearless strong me who has been suddenly broken the last few months. I don’t even know how to deal with THIS me.
I miss Myth... I want to re-establish the friendship... but I also feel that is cruel and selfish of me and that I should just suck it up and forget that I care.

You're in a really dark place. I'm very sorry you're hurting so badly.

I'm just wondering if you've had any counseling for this loss and devastating grief? If even Legend doesn't fully understand what you're going through... you sound so cut off! I'm not sure why you hid and pretended you were OK, and smiled though your heart was breaking. Numbness is not good. Are you ready to begin to feel again? Do you need a counselor to help you cope?

I encourage you to send Myth a message apologizing for 1) dumping him, and 2) having Legend do the dump.

Tell him you're sorry for your dickish behavior.

I'm sure that hurt him very much. If you are enough healed to feel guilty about it, you sound ready to apologize. At least it might soothe your conscience a little, whether he accepts your apology or not. As for resuming a friendship, that is partly up to him. Maybe just apologize now, tell him how messed up you have been, and get back to him later, depending on how both of you feel, to address anything else.
 

SassyALpolly

New member
My replies in red

Welcome to posting after all the lurking! I hope it helped to write out all your recent difficult experiences. Maybe it was a little therapeutic.



Do you fear pregnancy with Legend as well?

Legend has had a vasectomy, so I do not fear it with him.



So Myth adapted to the "no PIV" boundary. But the relationship deepened.

Yes, Myth pouted over the boundary, but understood how solid I was on it.



"Plugged along" sounds like hard work. It sounds like, while you love Legend being poly, he doesn't love to "share you" with another male. The old competition, alpha/beta patriarchal thing? Is he also terrified you could get pregnant by the "wrong" man?

That's kind of the entire basis of monogamy, the idea that a man owns his wife, and owns the offspring he gets on her. Women's sexuality is controlled so the male is assured (he hopes) that his finances only benefit his own biological children.

It's a big hurdle when switching from a mono to a poly way of thinking and behaving.

Yes, It was hard work, some due to our work schedules and Myth having a career change a couple of months in to this new territory, and then the work of easing Legend’s fears that he was no less important to me than ever before. There is definitely a difference there in the way I feel about poly vs the way he feels. Honestly right this moment I am thrilled that he had a great date today and I got some quiet reflecting time. In many ways it takes some pressure off me when I have so little to give right now. BUT you are correct, he struggles with the idea of sharing me. He also struggles with dating anyone himself and asks many times if I am still okay with it all... that he does it all for me... and that he would end it without a second thought if I ever wanted him to.


Wasn't Legend aware of the great loss or "garbage" that caused you to become so withdrawn from everyone?

Yes, he’s very well aware. I am just usually hardcore and iron-willed and unshakeable. Legend has never seen me this broken, nor have I ever seen myself in this place even before knowing him. It is too personal to put details here, especially ones that could haphazardly be figured out by someone somehow that would further cause problems in one or more of the several court battles that have ensued in the last 6 months.



You're in a really dark place. I'm very sorry you're hurting so badly.

I'm just wondering if you've had any counseling for this loss and devastating grief? If even Legend doesn't fully understand what you're going through... you sound so cut off! I'm not sure why you hid and pretended you were OK, and smiled though your heart was breaking. Numbness is not good. Are you ready to begin to feel again? Do you need a counselor to help you cope?

I have considered a Councelor. Although, in my area there aren’t many choices of ones who would be helpful to the many non-traditional sides of me. It is pretty old-school around here.

I encourage you to send Myth a message apologizing for 1) dumping him, and 2) having Legend do the dump.

Tell him you're sorry for your dickish behavior.

I'm sure that hurt him very much. If you are enough healed to feel guilty about it, you sound ready to apologize. At least it might soothe your conscience a little, whether he accepts your apology or not. As for resuming a friendship, that is partly up to him. Maybe just apologize now, tell him how messed up you have been, and get back to him later, depending on how both of you feel, to address anything else.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I can't easily quote you to reply to you in depth because of the way you've replied. In future, to quote someone and reply, hit the "quote" button. Then each section you respond to should be bracketed this way:

{quote} text {/quote}

Only use [ ] instead of { }

For now I will cut and paste to respond.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Legend has had a vasectomy, so I do not fear it with him.

That is a valid choice for you, to conduct your other relationships as you wish. Of course, actual penetrative sex is very important to most adults. That is something to keep in mind should you wish to continue with an Open relationship. It might turn some potential partners off. It seems Myth really struggled with it. It also seems a bit unbalanced, that Legend is able to do PIV if he so wishes. But that's up to you (plural) to work around.

Yes, Myth pouted over the boundary, but understood how solid I was on it.

I have had some male lovers (older ones usually) who struggled with ED. I missed it often, but we worked around it, and the men seemed occasionally frustrated and occasionally OK with the situation.

Other still fertile women and men might check in with how they deal with this issue.


"Plugged along" sounds like hard work.

Yes, It was hard work, some due to our work schedules, and Myth having a career change a couple of months in to this new territory, and then the work of easing Legend’s fears that he was no less important to me than ever before. There is definitely a difference there in the way I feel about poly vs the way he feels. Honestly, right this moment I am thrilled that he had a great date today and I got some quiet reflecting time. In many ways it takes some pressure off me when I have so little to give right now.

BUT you are correct, he struggles with the idea of sharing me. He also struggles with dating anyone himself, and asks many times if I am still okay with it all... that he does it all for me... and that he would end it without a second thought if I ever wanted him to.

So, Legend is still struggling greatly with non-monogamy, even an entire year in. It can take a year or two to make the adjustment. Polyamory can indeed, seem overly complicating to some people. Dealing with 2 intimate relationships at once can make some people feel overwhelmed. They may be over-stressing their abilities to be sexual and supportive of 2 people in this way. It may seem like more trouble than it's worth, more stress than reward.

If you'd like more free time and would like to disentangle somewhat, maybe instead of Legend half-heartedly going on dates, even twisting himself into a pretzel to "match" poly you, he could just get more hobbies, spend more time with platonic friends, etc., so you can have scheduled "me time," whether for just reflecting and resting, as now, or dating in future when your legal and emotional issues are more stabilized.

I'm not saying he must give up on dating, especially since you say he finally had a good date, but dating in general can be very difficult and exhausting, if you keep meeting one inappropriate person after another. Just something to consider.

Wasn't Legend aware of the great loss or "garbage" that caused you to become so withdrawn from everyone?

Yes, he’s very well aware. I am just usually hardcore and iron-willed and unshakable. Legend has never seen me this broken, nor have I ever seen myself in this place, even before knowing him. It is too personal to put details here, especially ones that could haphazardly be figured out by someone somehow that would further cause problems in one or more of the several court battles that have ensued in the last 6 months.

Yikes. Ouch. All I can say is, it's not necessary to always be the strong one. It's fine to "break character" and reach out for help, even if you hate appearing weak. After all, it's our challenges that mature us, and also mature our relationships. It might be good for Legend to be the stronger one for once.

I have considered a counselor. Although, in my area there aren’t many choices of ones who would be helpful to the many non-traditional sides of me. It is pretty old-school around here.

Everything is done online these days, including psychological counseling. Many counselors do Skype sessions, for example. You could look into that. Many counselors today specialize in "alternative" issues such as Open relationships, LGBTQ, BDSM, etc., etc.

My ex husband and I once had a great counselor, who helped me a lot. Then we lost her because our insurance changed. The next counselor we tried was terrible. Very monogamy minded. So you gotta shop around.

You seem over your head. You're not used to asking for help, but it's OK to ask for help.

I encourage you to send Myth a message apologizing for 1) dumping him, and 2) having Legend do the dump.

Tell him you're sorry for your dickish behavior.

I'm sure that hurt him very much. If you are enough healed to feel guilty about it, you sound ready to apologize. At least it might soothe your conscience a little, whether he accepts your apology or not. As for resuming a friendship, that is partly up to him. Maybe just apologize now, tell him how messed up you have been, and get back to him later, depending on how both of you feel, to address anything else.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Since Legend started his own thread, and you referred us to this history, I just wanted to say I'm still here to talk, if you need it. It's been 2 years since we first heard your story, and I'd love to hear about your progress (or sad lack thereof).

It sounds like Myth is still in your life, and you'd like him to stay there.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I do not think you and your husband are being very nice to other people. In my opinion, if you need to treat people like disposable objects or put in boundaries where condoms and hormones and IUDs work just fine, then you're not ready for poly. You're going to go around hurting people.

The problem became evident when "we"are finding "him" a GF.
 
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