Books; Opening up, Polysecure, Girlfriends Guide to Polyamory, the Ethical Slut and More Than Two.
Most people won’t recommend More Than Two because of ethical issues about the author but it’s full of great things to think about and excellent questions to discuss with your partner. Each book has its strengths and all are worth reading.
Podcasts: Multiamory (best one for how to have healthy relationships, regardless of your style, but has a focus on polyamory. Start at the beginning), Making Polyamory Work and Normalizing Non Monogamy (discusses many forms of non monogamy, not just polyamory. I enjoyed this in the beginning because it introduced me to lots of CNM variations)
This site! Lots of personal journeys in here and great advice if you are having a “situation”
My partner and I started with “just sex”. We didn’t think polyamory was what we wanted, because we wanted to "protect our relationship as special." We had very few rules: condoms always, let each other know when dates are happening, and nobody comes to our home….ever. I had bad experiences in the past with ex-boyfriends and didn’t want a repeat. Also, I don’t want strangers in my home. I want it to be my sanctuary.
Quickly, we both realized that “sex only” wasn’t going to work for us. I cannot have casual sex. I need that emotional connection and wanted a relationship. He could have casual sex, but preferred connection too, so that rule went out the door. The next rule that disappeared was "nobody in our home." We live in a very expensive area, and most women cannot afford to live alone. Hotel rooms exceed $300 per night, so if he was to have any alone time, it was in the car. Not cool. That rule changed to don’t bring anyone home on the first date. I trust him not to bring sketchy people to my home. He is very picky about who he associates with and has several phone calls or video calls before the first date, so I trust his judgement.
.Also, all agreements can be renegotiated at any time. They are not set in stone, to never change or be discussed.
We also talk about who we are talking to and share experiences with each other. We leave out sexual details beyond “we are having sex.“ (Discuss what the definition of sex is for you and what acts might or might not be covered in that disclosure) We don't share personal things about others without their consent. For me, having that level of transparency makes me feel secure. If we can talk openly about this, then I know he will tell me important stuff.
I also learned that, for me, the fear of cheating had nothing to do with sex with others. but the dishonesty that comes from it. I can handle anything if he’s honest with me. My mind can create the most outlandish stories that can tie me into emotional knots. Knowing the truth keeps my mind from doing that.
In the beginning, we dedicated time weekly to checking in and talking about fears, issues, and learning, discussing how we felt and how we could accommodate each other’s needs as we made our way through this transition.
I had to mourn the relationship we had and build a new one. Change is change, and things will not be the same. Prepare yourself for that fact. You are moving into uncharted territory and if you expect things to stay the same, you’ll have a harder time.
You may start out thinking you want one thing, then find out you want another. And your partner might want something different than you. You’ll have to work through it together. Each of you also might have very different reactions. What one is going through will probably not be the same for the other. You’ll really need to hold space for your partner, as you figure out how to support one another through something you might not understand.
I have 4 partners. 3 of them do poly differently than I do. They have different ideas about entanglement, hierarchy, solo poly, kitchen table poly, parallel poly, relationship anarchy, etc. Understanding these things and learning that what you thought you knew about relationships is really nothing will help you to be more successful, in the long run.
This is NOT like monogamy, but with more people. Those who hop in without doing the research and really learning will have a horrible experience. In monogamy you assume over 50% of your relationship. You cannot make assumptions in non-monogamy. Well, you can, but it’s a recipe for disaster.
So, read the books together. Set time aside to be together and one of you read out loud. Go slow and discuss thoughts along the way. Listen to podcasts and do the same. And be open to changing your minds on what you think you want, like, agree with, etc., because the more you know, the more what you think about it will change.
Remember, you are individuals. You have spent a lot of years being a couple, and it might feel weird when you realize your partner doesn’t think or feel the way you do.
Most of all, have fun learning together!
