Hi

J

Juicebox

New member
Hello. I'm new here and to the world of polyamory. Have been living a monogamous lifestyle with my partner for over 10 years and we have children together. I know though, that I've always felt polyamorus deep down inside, i just didnt know other people felt this, so i shamed myself and ran away from these feelings. I truly thought that maybe something was wrong with me. I stuffed it all down real deep. But recently, i started to grow feelings for someone who is not my partner of 10 years, but i still also love my partner. I told my partner, he listened, we talked, we cried, we felt confused. I had a long session about it with my therapist, and was blown away when she said "Some people are just wired that way. Some people can love more than one person. Some people arent meant to be monogamous." I think that was such a defining moment in my life... The moment i first thought that maybe the feelings i had always dug down deep inside about not being monogamous were okay... So then I started exploring that word: Polyamory. Reading articles and books. When i realized that i did in fact feel this way, i brought it up to my partner.

We've been communicating and communicating and communicating our feelings almost nightly for a few months. I am beyond emotionally exhausted, but i value and respect and appreciate our ability to be vulnerable and try to understand each other. I know and understand that though I've felt this way deep down for a long time, to him it came out of nowhere without warning.* It's so hard because i feel like i am hurting him so much by having grown feelings for someone else. He's having normal emotions: jealousy, insecurity, feeling threatened. I'm trying to validate my love for him and his natural feelings, hold space for him, and be gentle with the process. Though my feelings for this other man are strong, i have had very little physical time together with him. I am holding back and taking what i feel for him very slow because of all this being so new to my current partner.

But im so worried. I fear that by opening our relationship, my partner will be miserable and hurt. I fear him saying he's okay with it when he's not. I have told him all of this, have told him that though i would be emotionally hurt by him choosing to part ways because this is too uncomfortable for him, that i would support and respect that because i want us both to be happy. He says he doesnt want to part ways, and he wants to try to give this poly thing a chance. But the fear of him not being honest with his level of comfort keeps coming back up for me. I also fear holding back forever for him, and myself becoming miserable. Right now he's uncomfortable with this other guy spending too much time with me and he wants to take things slow. I understand that and am trying to respect that. But i dont want to restrict myself forever. I'm afraid he's saying he wants me to take things slow as an attempt to keep me from this other guy. He says he's okay with things, but at the same time is constantly breaking down over this and becomes incredibly tense whenever i merely mention the other guy. I don't know if this is just a normal part of opening up the relationship or if this is because he's pushing himself into accepting an open relationship when that's not what he really wants. And i worry about my happiness. At this point i want more time with the other guy i have feelings for, i want to allow myself to love him freely, but i feel like i cant fully surrender.

So many waves of emotions. Finding this group is really nice though. It helps me not feel alone. But even still, when i see my current partner hurting and crying, or when he is in the heat of emotions and uses words like "you're selfish, "you don't respect me," it's hard not to feel guilty and sink back into the self sabotage of "oh god, something is wrong with me. Im not normal. I'm an awful person for doing this to him. What will people think? I'm crazy for risking my whole family for these feelings..."

So many overwhelming internal questions. Mostly about what other people will think though. About how to tell people... For me it's so important to live my life as my authentic self, and so i don't want to hide who i am. This i fear will be one thing most people just wont understand. I worry about the stigma, the judgment, not being accepted, especially by the people i love. I worry and wonder about how one comes out to their families, to their kids...

Don't really know what else to say or what to ask Im open to any advice. Thanks for reading.
 
Greetings Juicebox,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It is usually a good idea to go slow in the beginning in poly. I would say go slow for now, but don't go slow forever. Trust your partner to tell you the truth about what he is feeling. Don't beat yourself up about what you are feeling. You are poly, that is a good thing. As for coming out, there's an important video you should watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ-8ocmtb_8

You are at the beginning of a great adventure. Many things may change. Change is scary but it is better than being mono for the rest of your life, when you feel poly. Trust your instincts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Is your partner working on (or willing to work on) his feelings? Is he going to read up on this or are you expected to do all the work?

This is a huge change for him. It may not work for him. What then?

Those are just a few of the things you need to think about. Like Kevin said, go slow. Your partner needs to catch up.

At this point you shouldn't worry too much about coming out. Make sure this is actually going to work out. Personally, I haven't really come out to my family. I tried with my mom but she doesn't really get it. Most of my friends know. There were no bad reactions, but my frienda are pretty tolerant of anything. I did get some stupid reactions. Amusing. Really, my philosophy is if you are striving to be authentic then what other people think won't matter. If they quit talking to you that probably means they aren't as close as you thought.
 
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I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW?

Do you have to pile on everything at once? Or in that order?

Come out as poly to therapist, husband, start dating crush, THEN come out to friends and family? That's a lot of changes at once, and you have some fears coming up. You see husband struggling and feel responsible for his pain.

Maybe these feelings are telling you that you are rushing too fast in your transition process. Where's the fire? Could you take the transition be a bit slower? Even if it means not developing this crush further at this time?

So many overwhelming internal questions. Mostly about what other people will think though. About how to tell people... For me it's so important to live my life as my authentic self, and so i don't want to hide who i am.
Click to expand...

How about slowing it down and focussing on just coming out to people?

Not rush into dating anyone, but focus on becoming more honest with yourself and others, focus on living more authentically as a poly feeling person. With your partner, with friends, family, etc.

Find out who is supportive and who is not. Get your true support network in order.

If/when you decide to move on to dating, then you already know who is in your corner and who is not. Because not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Even in poly.

If you rush into poly dating without making sure of your support network first -- who is left to support your post break up if it all goes wahoonie and the crush thing ends and the 10 year thing is a mess/ending, and the family disapproves, and friends are baffled? Then what? You will have done it to yourself for rushing.

IME? Crushes, when not acted on? They fade. How do you know this is a crush you want to develop into bigger? Or if it is mainly just a lot of years of "bottled up" rushing out and making it seem bigger than it is because you excited to experience/have a crush thing that you DON'T sit around shaming yourself for feeling?

Only time can tell that. So my suggestion is to slow it down.

If you and partner decide to leave it there for a while that's maybe ok too -- he becomes Open enough to hear about your poly thoughts and feelings as you process this crush so you feel ok and not bottled up.... you remain Closed so he can feel ok and you can stop worrying, etc.

But don't plunge your partner into poly hell just because you are caught up in the crush and anxious to do something about it. You don't HAVE to do anything about it. You could enjoy it from a afar while coming out and getting your support network in order first. It isn't like this is the only person you can poly date ever.

And it isn't like poly people just start dating anyone who comes along they have a crush on. They still have to decide if it's a fleeting attraction or if there's anything in common for something more, or if there's even any energy for dating that person right now or if their life is too full/busy to date right now with work, kids, bills, etc.

I'm concerned that you are all starry-eyed because you have finally given yourself permission to stop beating up on yourself for feeling what you feel. And are now coming at it like kid in a candy store or something... over-idealizing the crush person and not considering all the things you need to think about when making a life change like this. :(

Go slower, do more reading esp about pitfalls.

If you do decide to Open, approach it so you can do it WELL. Not all wacky.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Juicebox - and welcome to the Forum! I can very much relate to your story as my wife asked me to open our relationship about a year ago so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. The full story is in the link below - on page 3 of the comments, I listed all the things she did right in asking me to open our relationship - you might find them helpful. My wife really did a great job with the way she approached the situation - although she has struggled with me having a new partner (which I just posted about in the Poly Relationships Corner). As Ravenscroft mentioned above - make sure you are prepared to deal with those emotions as well.

I would suggest you read Galagirl's comments a couple of times - they express the concerns that I would have about your situation also. You are trying to process and do a whole lot at once - while in the throes of NRE ("New Relationship Energy" - a common poly term for the excitement of new romance - it is not to be trusted.) Do be patient - and if maintaining your marriage is a priority - give him the time he needs to adjust. After all, you are asking him to go through a monumental life adjustment. And if he doesn't get there at all - then you will have to decide which is more important - the marriage or poly - and there is no right or wrong answer -although this being a poly forum, you are more likely to hear that if you are truly poly and your husband can't transition, you might as well go ahead and get a divorce - but obviously this is not necessarily always the case. Just be prepared for a lot of processing.

Best of luck on your new journey into the wonderland of polyamory. Al
 
Welcome to the Forum! Awesome place huh.

You know you're "Poly" when you help the SO find a Friend! Whatever he may need in another person while you do the growing thing with your new shiny Thing!


Just a thought
 
Galagirl's response is really good. I just wanted to add a hello and let you know there are spouses that understand like my Kay. Keep communicating and build up that trust.
 
Juicebox said:
Hello. I'm new here and to the world of polyamory. Have been living a monogamous lifestyle with my partner for over 10 years and we have children together. I know though, that I've always felt polyamorus deep down inside, i just didnt know other people felt this, so i shamed myself and ran away from these feelings. I truly thought that maybe something was wrong with me. I stuffed it all down real deep. But recently, i started to grow feelings for someone who is not my partner of 10 years, but i still also love my partner. I told my partner, he listened, we talked, we cried, we felt confused. I had a long session about it with my therapist, and was blown away when she said "Some people are just wired that way. Some people can love more than one person. Some people arent meant to be monogamous." I think that was such a defining moment in my life... The moment i first thought that maybe the feelings i had always dug down deep inside about not being monogamous were okay... So then I started exploring that word: Polyamory. Reading articles and books. When i realized that i did in fact feel this way, i brought it up to my partner.

We've been communicating and communicating and communicating our feelings almost nightly for a few months. I am beyond emotionally exhausted, but i value and respect and appreciate our ability to be vulnerable and try to understand each other. I know and understand that though I've felt this way deep down for a long time, to him it came out of nowhere without warning.* It's so hard because i feel like i am hurting him so much by having grown feelings for someone else. He's having normal emotions: jealousy, insecurity, feeling threatened. I'm trying to validate my love for him and his natural feelings, hold space for him, and be gentle with the process. Though my feelings for this other man are strong, i have had very little physical time together with him. I am holding back and taking what i feel for him very slow because of all this being so new to my current partner.

But im so worried. I fear that by opening our relationship, my partner will be miserable and hurt. I fear him saying he's okay with it when he's not. I have told him all of this, have told him that though i would be emotionally hurt by him choosing to part ways because this is too uncomfortable for him, that i would support and respect that because i want us both to be happy. He says he doesnt want to part ways, and he wants to try to give this poly thing a chance. But the fear of him not being honest with his level of comfort keeps coming back up for me. I also fear holding back forever for him, and myself becoming miserable. Right now he's uncomfortable with this other guy spending too much time with me and he wants to take things slow. I understand that and am trying to respect that. But i dont want to restrict myself forever. I'm afraid he's saying he wants me to take things slow as an attempt to keep me from this other guy. He says he's okay with things, but at the same time is constantly breaking down over this and becomes incredibly tense whenever i merely mention the other guy. I don't know if this is just a normal part of opening up the relationship or if this is because he's pushing himself into accepting an open relationship when that's not what he really wants. And i worry about my happiness. At this point i want more time with the other guy i have feelings for, i want to allow myself to love him freely, but i feel like i cant fully surrender.

So many waves of emotions. Finding this group is really nice though. It helps me not feel alone. But even still, when i see my current partner hurting and crying, or when he is in the heat of emotions and uses words like "you're selfish, "you don't respect me," it's hard not to feel guilty and sink back into the self sabotage of "oh god, something is wrong with me. Im not normal. I'm an awful person for doing this to him. What will people think? I'm crazy for risking my whole family for these feelings..."

So many overwhelming internal questions. Mostly about what other people will think though. About how to tell people... For me it's so important to live my life as my authentic self, and so i don't want to hide who i am. This i fear will be one thing most people just wont understand. I worry about the stigma, the judgment, not being accepted, especially by the people i love. I worry and wonder about how one comes out to their families, to their kids...

Don't really know what else to say or what to ask Im open to any advice. Thanks for reading.
Click to expand...

Well, I'll echo what you have been told and you ought to read Gala Girls post to you over and over.
So lets recap

Its very coincidental that the poly lightning bolt hits you just as you find yourself a possible boyfriend, so there's the first problem. hubby not only gets the discussion dropped on him and before he gets to sort out anything, you are already physically involved to some degree with boyfriend.

It appears since you stated that you would understand if he parts ways with you over this that the ship has sailed and you are willing to lose your marriage to be poly and be with this boyfriend. i think your husbands playing the "pick me' game here may be contributing to that but time will tell.

Now when I first posted, a wise person told me this

YOUR MARRIAGE IS DEAD, AND YOU MUST HAVE A NEW MARRIAGE whichever way it goes, mono or poly. That was very good advice i got and you should understand that.

Whichever way this goes for you and him, you have by initiating the conversation jettisoned his entire concept of what his life will be like for the rest of your marriage. because no matter how he feels, as long as he is married to you he will either accept you having sex with other men, OR even if you backed off for now, in the back of his mind he knows that can resurface at any time. Now despite what some here will say, there is absolutely no factual evidence that says that any but a small minority of men will be happy with there wives having sex with other men in any form it happens in. Even Esther Perel, certainly a poly friendly famous "expert" expounds on that fact.

Right now, you are in total control of the relationship, and it is commendable that you chose to be honest rather than cheat. But you are fooling yourself if you think that in a real short period of time here he is going to get hit by a lightning bolt and buy in, especially if it has been months and he is still not cool with it.

All these discussions, no mention of any boundaries you have offered. Are there any???

If you are so convinced you are truly poly, that should be true even if this new crush disappears tomorrow. Your husband used the word selfish. Thats OK as long as you are really OK with what happens if he does not accept this.

My guess, since he is acting like many men whose wives cheat on him, is that you will be free to do whatever you want to, and yes he is going to say hes OK with it no matter what you do. And no you did not cheat UNLESS you already were involved with this guy before saying anything. The overwhelming percentage of men, probably over 90%, will say that their wives cheating on them is a deal breaker, when in fact more will actually stay rather than leave when it actually happens. Kids, finances, self esteem, and a host of other issues play into it. You might want to read a thread by SurferJen or Jenn. Her husband swore he was OK with it also.

You have not only dumped the poly bomb on him but have done it with a head start. But it appears you are more concerned about this crush not developing than your husbands mental state so if that’s not selfish we cordially agree to disagree. You can be as poly as you want for the rest of your life, and take my word for it a married woman will have no problem finding men interested in them It will be there when he sorts it out, and if your crush is not if you are truly poly and not opportunistically poly you will find a new crush.

Not want you want to hear i am sure. i know other will disagree and tell you its hubbys job to do whatever necessary to buy in. Unfortunately that does not usually work out so great. Non monogamy of ANY kind takes two people working together. You are not there yet and as i said Gala put it more delicately to you.

And Al99 gave you some good info also but your situation is a bit different. His wife came to him way before she was already seeing her guy, he was long distance so Al did not have it in his face daily. You really think your husband is ready for you to start spending nights away??? Doesnt sound like it to me and force feeding him cause you can't wait will make it worse in the long run.
 
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Thank you all for your insight, advice and resources. I have read all the links and watched the video and really appreciate everything you all have said. It has all helped.

Though i have been taking it slow with my actions, i didn't realize that in my mind i was going a million miles per hour until after i posted this and saw your responses.

Ravenscroft said:
How will you feel when he finds another?
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I have thought about this often and have talked to him about it. I don't want to be naive and say that it will be easy for me. I am sure for the first time, like him, i will have to work through my feelings and fears and insecurities. But i want to do that work and be open. My dream scenario of him dating someone else is being able to befriend her and being able to hang out comfortably and embracing her into his life. But he insists that he will never get to that place and that he feels like a very mono person. That he doesn't work the way i do. That this whole loving more than one person is extremely strange to him and he's having a hard time wrapping his head around how i feel that way.

I am taking it very slow with the crush. In the past 3 months i have only seen him in person 2 times. We didn't have sex, didn't come anywhere close to that, and i have no intentions in rushing into anything like that any time soon. I didn't spend the night nor do i want to. My feelings feel strong, but i know and understand that i'm swimming in NRE right now and that my partner isnt ready for me to go beyond or to go off on dates right now. Crush understands that too and is on board with taking it slow. Emotionally i do feel in deep, but for right now we just want to get to know each other. As a person, i really like him and we have a lot in common but we both want to keep getting to know each other mostly on the phone, giving it time to see if this will turn into something or not, and leaving space for my situation at home to strengthen. I do care about both of their feelings a lot, and i know slow is the best way to make sure everyone's feelings are taken care of right now.

I don't want to rush my partner either. I know he needs time and i want to give that to him. I want to support him and validate his feelings and validate how much i still love him and how this is an "in addition to." I think the underlying anxiety is not really knowing what a healthy transition period looks like. If we are having the right conversations...I feel like I am taking it slow and giving him space and love, but it's still a lot for him. I understand that though and I don't expect him to buy in and accept it all immediately at all, but deep down i do worry about how he may want something drastic like 7 years or something before I can ever spend more time with a crush, ending things with crush's before they even have a chance at starting. Or that 7 years later, he still hasn't processed, is only saying he's okay with things but is hurting and unhappy. I don't want that for him either. But i do recognize my million mile per hour anxiety mind kicking in now, and am trying to reassure myself with slowing down my thoughts, and trusting him in being honest with what he's telling me and keeping open communication.

Are there any more resources in how to transition in a healthy way? We've been talking a lot about our feelings and emotions and supporting each other with that, but are there other steps we should be taking to help each other? Am i still coming at this all wacky? I really dont know. Thanks everyone.
 
Also, i don't know if this is relevant or not, but this isn't the first time i have grown feelings for other people while in this relationship. In the past, i would just shut that door, limit my contact, feel a big mix of feelings including beating myself up for growing feelings in the first place and thinking something was wrong with me, and feeling heartbroken for feeling different. A few years ago, somebody did come into my life who's feelings were stronger then most. At that time, i did bring it up to my partner because i felt i was emotionally having an affair and i was again freaking out emotionally and thought i was doing something terribly wrong by having these feelings. At that time though, I had no idea other people felt this way. At the same time, my relationship with my partner was shaky. We were going through some major bumps in our relationship, so we attributed my feelings to that. That i was trying to fill in the holes from where my current relationship was having problems. That my feelings were ONLY because we weren't in a good a place ourselves. So we worked on all of our problems and came to a place where things are so much better between us two and our partnership feels strong. I am thinking about what you said sexyserb. About how in the back of his mind, he knows these feelings can resurface even if i back off for now. You're right. Especially since i've had these feelings before. And based off of how i have had these previous feelings come up before and have gotten though life not letting them work out, I also know that if things don't work out with current crush, i would eventually find a place where i would feel okay. But i do feel like i really like this current crush as a person and that it would be nice for things TO work out eventually after getting to know each other more, navigating through this transition, and making sure my partner feels secure and loved. I guess i want to remain hopeful. But i don't know if i'm approaching it wrong?
 
Hi Juicebox,

You seem to be approaching it right, for an additional resource you could try Poly FAQ. You are approaching it slow and that is a good place to start.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
 
You have to find your own way.

To me? I think you are going too fast... or too slow.

If you just want to move on to poly dating as a free agent? Change the conversation and break up so you can behave as a free agent. Don't drag this out. Sometimes people feel guilty or something and want to "pad it." They have outgrown the partner but don't want to admit that. And they want to poly date. So they try to work it like "it will be great for both of us!" so they can move on to poly dating like they want and not feel guilty about leaving the old partner behind. If this is that? You are going too slow. It's kinder to part respectfully up front than drag things out on a side trip and then break up after that.

If you want your partner to come along in this new model? You are going too fast to me. You are not giving partner time enough to assess if they are willing and able to try on this new model with you and consent. You already moved on to phone dating the crush. In my relationship agreements, phone dating before renegotiating would be cheating on existing agreements.

Is your partner monoamorous (desire or capacity to love 1 sweetie) AND monogamous (wants relationship shape to be 1:1. Two people max)?

Or is your parnter monoamorous (wants to love 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible? (Is happy in a monogamous thing, is happy as an end point in a "V" or similar?)

You are polyamorous. (desire or capacity to love more than 1 sweetie.) How are you in relationship shape? You HAVE to be in a poly model of some kind? Or you a relationship shape flexible and can feel happy in a Closed thing that is 1:1 so long as you get to talk about your poly thoughts and feelings?

That's pretty critical to know. Could focus on basics like that right now.

how much i still love him and how this is an "in addition to."
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I think emotionally it is not "another partner in addition to you." You could stop saying that. It may ring hollow for your partner. Here is why.

It is "I am breaking up our old relationship model. And inviting you to come join me in a new relationship model where you can be my partner and this other person can be my partner too."

Skipping over the feelings of loss and grief from the beak up/loss of the old model? Don't gloss over that.

The partner excited to poly might not recognize it right then. But the mono-feeling partner is grieving. And it's hard to watch your loved one all lala while you are sad. It's like "What kind of deal is this? I'm getting less now and I'm supposed to be excited for them?"

Later on, the poly partner might bump into the grief load and wonder why they feel sad as if from "nowhere." It's not from nowhere. It's mourning the loss of the previous model that was backlogged. Perhaps a visual aid helps. Like one partner is on track A and the other is on track B.

http://www.eoslifework.co.uk/Images/fut1.gif

And perhaps at that point the original partner has healed and move on to dating other people too. And might be like tit-for tat. "You weren't very sympathetic when I was there, why should I be to you?" So it comes with extra load as they realize that. Grief from the lost model, and grief that they treated partner poorly.

Or the original partner is gone. They didn't want to poly any more. Then depending on what's going on in the poly partner's life... they feel it like triple load. Grief from the lost model, grief that they treated partner poorly, and grief that it was all "for nothing" because the new partner they wanted to date didn't pan out and they are gone too.

I think you could stop thinking about it like "in addition to." And think about it like "I'm asking my partner to break up the old model and join me in a new one. And they may or may not want to." That might be more realistic emotionally and help you slow things down. Wait for the actual answer before you move on to poly dating on phone or otherwise.

I see people come here thinking "if it doesn't pan out, no problem. We can go back to "original configuration." Like A+B can go back to being "old A+ old B." But they cannot. They are not the same people, they've been through an experience, they may not look at each other the same any more. It could be "new A + new B." Or... it might be "A+C and no more B." Or "A is surprised it turned out B+C." Or it turns out A, B, C where everyone is single. Or some other configuration.

I think the underlying anxiety is not really knowing what a healthy transition period looks like. If we are having the right conversations...I feel like I am taking it slow and giving him space and love, but it's still a lot for him.
Click to expand...

If you have a need to talk a lot -- could talk to others. Secure a counselor, talk to friends, family, etc. That's why I told you to get your support network in order first. If you have 100 lbs to get off your chest and your partner (at best) can only listen to 5 lbs? Don't overload partner. They have their OWN processing to be doing.

I don't expect him to buy in and accept it all immediately at all
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Which suggests you expect him to accept it eventually.

I am not hearing space for you being prepared to hear "No. I love you a lot. But not even for you will I go there."

deep down i do worry about how he may want something drastic like 7 years or something before I can ever spend more time with a crush.
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If he says he wants to go 7 years? Why would you agree? :confused:

You are able to say "No. I'm not willing to drag this on for 7 years. Because if it is not looking likely in 1-2? We will already know "us doing poly together" is not likely so no sense in pursuing that conversation for another 5 years. We will have to change the conversation to "staying Closed but with me being able to talk about my poly things" or we need to change the conversation to " breaking up because we are no longer compatible.""

You could set a time frame for discussion you find more palatable. 1-2 years rather than 7. And if he's not willing and able to Open and you feel strongly in that time that you do? Then you may have to think about parting ways. So he is free FROM poly things he does not want. And you are free TO do poly things you do want. Cannot stay in gridlock forever. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

(You make the time frame be what you prefer, 1-2 is just example.)

Are there any more resources in how to transition in a healthy way? We've been talking a lot about our feelings and emotions and supporting each other with that, but are there other steps we should be taking to help each other?
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Stop talking so much to each other. You have to live normal life in between. Set an appointment time (ex: Fri nite from 8-10 PM) to do this work. The rest of the time? You do your normal stuff and fit in some dates with each other. Spread it out so your whole lives doesn't become THIS.

If you need some structure to your talks? Could start with these work sheets.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

If you need more talking? Talk to OTHER people. Build your separate support networks.

Stop phone dating your crush dude. It's not a runner right now. You might be willing to be all crushy and phone dating him, but you are not actually ethically able right now. You are not in an Open relationship yet. Don't jump the gun.

All you do is ramp up your yen for "more" like spending time together in person on your side. And you might ramp up your partner's anxiety like "Dude, we aren't even actually Open yet and my partner cannot keep things in check. If we do Open, how run amok will they be THEN? Remind me again why I should be excited to sign up for this New Deal?"

At that time, i did bring it up to my partner because i felt i was emotionally having an affair
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I suggest you stop using "feel" for everything. Use "think" for thoughts, "feel" for emotions, and "observe" or "experience" for things you observe or experience directly. It sounds persnickety, but I think being strict with how you use words helps keep things clearer. Esp if you are experiencing anxiety or stress and cannot tell if it is from experiences or runaway thoughts.

You and partner could also get clear on what things mean to each of you.

To me, a crush is having a crush. It is one sided. The crushee doesn't know how I feel. I wouldn't date them.

At this time? You have a crush on Dude. He knows and reciprocates. And you guys spend a lot of time on the phone getting to know each other to see if there's potential for more, etc. That's first date kind of stuff to me. You are basically phone dating him (to me.) And you are doing it before your relationship is actually Open. So you may be breaking current agreements with your partner. That is an emotional affair to me, and not a crush.

You and your established partner might define "emotional affair" differently than I do. But I suggest you talk to each other and see if your definitions line up because "break up, stop old model, and change to new relationship model" is a process already.

No need to pile on "process emotional affair hurt feelings" to it.

If you ultimately hope your partner can accept ending the previous relationship model in favor of starting a new one? And your other hope is to Open well and not wonky?

How is (phone dating crush dude at this time) as behavior?
  • Is it acceptable behavior to partner and to you?
  • Is it supporting "Opening wonky" or supporting "Opening well?"

I think you could finish the work of Opening before you start dating people -- on the phone or otherwise.

So you can be both willing AND able to poly date.

Not just willing... and kinda wonky on the able.

Galagirl
 
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Juicebox,

Again, Gala Girl has eloquently laid it out for you probably better than what you could pay for. I won't be as good but I will make some comments

(1) I'd pay particular attention to the fact that she pointed out that your partner is big time in the GRIEVING process. I would be right now he would be classified as still in the "denial" stage since you even stated this came out of the clear blue sky to him. If you have done any reading, there is a very good chance that the next stage will be ANGER. How that will manifest itself is not clear, but do not be surprised if that occurs. s I said before, since you are absolutely convinced that you identify as poly, his life has been upended totally and he has to process not only your current NRE but how and if he can accept that regardless what happens with this current crush".

(2) I am sure for the first time, like him, i will have to work through my feelings and fears and insecurities. You are way ahead of yourself starting to think anytime real soon he is going to find a girlfriend and i would advise against even suggesting that. first of all, its not going to be as easy for him as you. if you do not believe that, take him out to a club and tell him to start hitting of girls and tell them right away hes married and see how is success rate is.And the last thing right now he needs is to get any type of rejection in any relationship. As Gala said, actions speak louder than words, and if hes still crying and being depressed how do you think his self esteem is right now???? And that question also emphasizes that it appears there is no negotiation here, you are saying its a given hes going to have to get used to it.

(3)I have some other questions you might want to clue us in on
WHO IS THIS CRUSH ( co worker, old boyfriend)
HOW CLOSE IS HE GEOGRAPHICALLY
IS HE MARRIED
WHAT IS YOUR FINANCIAL STATUS
I think you realize that there is no guarantee that your husband/partner is going to accept this and that the possibility exists that you may split. Can you support yourself and your children with what you expect you would get if this does not work out?? If the answer to that one is no, you need to stop this right away if your children will suffer and not have as good a place to live. And do not assume that if you split that it will be a wonderfully amicable settlement. if your husband chooses not to play nice.
If he is a co worker, that is a big mistake. If you work, that may jeopardize your em,ployment and if he is in your social circle where your husband knows him that is even worse.
If he is married and cheating, I will not even comment.

(3) Now you say you have not had sex and that you have only physically seen him alone twice. Lets be adults here, and if you have made out with him, given a BJ or HJ or had his fingers in your pants YOU HAVE HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS, and this is more than a torrid EA at this point. As Gala said, if you are constantly on the phone or skyping or having phone sex with him while your husband is sitting in the next room, that should stop for now until there is more clarity also. How long is crush willing to wait for the PIV?? What does hes agreed to take it slow mean??? Most men who want to date a married women are not looking for long term platonic relationships. What happens if he starts to press you for sex or more than you have done???

(4)you say you do not want to go out on dates right now. I asked about boundaries. You really think if you proceed forward that your crush will not want you spending nights with him and not going home. Constant moving of the goalposts can kill a relationship even after an initial agreement is made, especially when you have a reluctant partner on the receiving end of the new guidelines.

Another thing, which I believe Gala Girl has also alluded to, you keep stating that you want "addition" to and you want the marriage to be the same except you see other men. That ship has sailed as i told you before and she confirmed in her opinion. Your relationship will be new or not at all because if your partner/hubby is mono wired versus your Poly wired ??? he will have to live with the expectation that this could occur at any time regardless of how your marriage is. of course, he also will need to make a decision at some point. Right now i would bet any amount of money he will capitulate out of fear of totally losing you. The problem is if he then gets to the anger stage and it becomes directed at himself for staying starting a downward emotional spiral for him and you.

You also need to discuss or guess if he is talking to or asking anyone advice. Men in his position usually do not seek help unsolicited since the "macho' thing kicks in, as well as i would bet is his perceived feeling of inadequacy as a man since having your wife tell you she wants to date other men is not in the thought process of a very large percentage of men. i would also bet if he talks to any of his guy friends or relatives about this they will strongly tell him to dump you and file for divorce if you insist on what you are doing.

You have a lot on your plate
 
Juicebox,

I am coming into this pretty late, but reading through your first post and then follow ups after, my gosh! It is exactly what happened with me and my wife. She was in your position. I reacted exactly the same way, and we worked through it similarly.

This was a year ago now. It takes a lot of time. I never really felt right with it the whole time while I was trying to maintain a monogamous lifestyle, knowing that she was poly. So finally I said screw it, and decided I would open up and expand my own horizons. So far it has been going extremely well.

It took that first year though just to get used to the idea of polyamory, her feelings for others, and getting that reassurance. For us both to have opened up at the same time may have been too much at once. Now I have gotten more used to her dating or making new friends. She is going through some of what I did at the beginning now, but it is not as hard since we have this deeper understanding already built in.

Give it time, be reassuring and supportive, and ultimately I think balance is necessary in that he may need to try venturing outside of the relationship too eventually.

Good luck.
 
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