High need for affection

O

Oreadne

New member
I have always had a really a very strong desire for lots of physical affection from romantic partners - touch, kisses, hugs, cuddles, etc. I never thought about it much in my prior monogamous relationships, because it always seemed fairly easy for boyfriends to adjust their behavior to meet those needs without being a major inconvenience.

I have been in a poly relationship with a married man for about 4 months now, we fell in love pretty hard and fast. It has been really challenging and rewarding for all 3 of us, I feel like recently things have really been improving and I am forming a good friendship with my metamour, and am generally very happy (although I have a lot of philosophical disagreement with the primary-secondary way of conducting relationships, it is becoming less of an issue).

However, my need for physical affection from him isn't being met, for a variety of reasons. They are not openly poly so I cannot touch him in public, which wasn't an issue for me when we first started dating, but it causes me a great deal of distress lately. Since that is like, the main way I express and feel loved and connected, having to say goodbye to him in a public social situation where I don't get a kiss goodbye and won't be seeing him for a few days in just awful for me. In general, he isn't a super affectionate person, but when we are alone together I feel perfectly satisfied with our level of physical intimacy.

But I am used to spending more time with romantic partners, and being able to expect love and hugs and kisses every day. What is weird is that I dont't feel particularly needy when I am alone, but after not seeing him for a couple of days, or right before he leaves I find myself feeling incredibly clingy and needy and desiring reassurance, to an extent that really seems unreasonable - he does the best he can, but it's almost never "enough".

So I realize that having other romantic relationships or more intimate friends could be really good for me and help meet my need for affection. However, I just don't feel like I connect with other dates as much, and find myself just wanting to be in his company when I am out with other people. I have had some casual dates with other guys I really like, but somehow don't find the hugs and kisses from them as nice or meaningful then just crave more attention from him. I realize that we still have a lot of NRE, but it makes m feel crazy to have such an unreasonably high desire for affection, from one person in particular. Someday I will probably meet someone else who I have a lot of chemistry and connection with, but it seems pretty rare (I have only fallen in love this intensely once before in my life) and I don't expect it anytime soon.... so any ideas for how to cope with this extremely high desire for affection and attention?
 
I could have written this, last year.

I too, need physical touch - it's my primary love language - and when I don't get it, it feels as though my soul is being ripped apart. My ex boyfriend NEVER understood this, no matter how many times I told him. We eventually broke up because he could not meet the minimum requirements of time and physical touch that I needed.

What worked for me is to discover what that rock bottom is, and then articulate it. That helped me find my new love, and weed out the ones that weren't going to work. I need 2 face-to-face dates a week and one overnight. I cannot and will not be a secret, or hide my affections. If a guy can't commit to that, nope. My boyfriend exceeded that, and now we live together full time, so no more issues. :)

Quantifying your requirements may seem clinical, but it was a real help to me. If you absolutely need a goodbye kiss to keep your head on straight, then let him know. Maybe you slip away someplace more private to say goodbye?
 
A man in that kind of situation will never be able to give you more than discreet fun on the side. Sorry. Perhaps he'll be able to give you more in the future. My own relationship started out like yours, but than I wanted more, like you. I asked for more and slowly got more and more, until, now, I get public affection and plans to one day be completely open.

Many people go through the same story.

For now, imagine him as a very good friend that, due to his poly nature, is able to give you MUCH more than a normal friend. Seek your affection elsewhere, develop other relationships, and be grateful for how much you DO get from him and not worry about what you don't. And if, ultimately, what he gives you isn't enough? Gracefully move on.
 
Bluebird said:
Maybe you slip away someplace more private to say goodbye?
Click to expand...

I just asked him about this and he was like "sure!" so I do think that will really help, but then part of me is like "WTF if its that easy why weren't we doing it all along?!" lol

Also, I didn't realize going into things how much it would bother me to be closeted. He did not disclose it as quickly as he should have, and right to start I though our relationship might be more casual.

I definitely feel like I am more than "discreet fun on the side" though, they are out to their friends so in semi-private social gatherings we can behave normally, I don't feel like a secret, we just can't hold hands in the grocery store (it is a small community and my metamor doesn't want to be out to her family). And we have discussed moving to a larger city next year sometime where we can be out, so that is reassuring. If that wasn't potentially on the table for sometime in the future I don't know if I could deal with being closeted forever.

When people say things to me like "just be glad for what you do get" or "move on gracefully" I wonder if they have ever been in love or if I am just particularly neurotic, because I get like physical dopamine withdrawal symptoms :p
 
Hmmm, I misunderstood your relationship. Perhaps I am overly demanding, but I require a LOT in a loving relationship beyond my feelings or their professions of feelings for me. While someone might say they love me, may want to love me, if I cannot eventually be freely affectionate and open with them, in public or not, I can't really invest myself into the relationship.

For a short period, yes, it's possible. I don't know how long you've been in your relationship. Even now I have to be secret, but the intention is to get to the point where that isn't necessary. I've also been actively working on having relationships in which I CAN be fully open, so that being closed with him isn't as much of a problem.

If you don't have an issue with being closeted, and you love him, I don't see why you can't stay with it. I just couldn't do it myself and would encourage myself to follow the advice I gave you, of lowering my expectations to the relationship to make it something BETTER than a friendship, rather than WORSE than what I would want in a romantic relationship. It would help me feel like I wasn't getting less than I needed from him.
 
Life is filled with more than its fair share of ups and downs, this is a fact of life. Online love, dating and matchmaking has become very common these day and every one prefer this type of relationships.
 
In the early years of my transition to poly, I craved PDA's from my new love interest and couldn't get them because she was in the closet about our poly-ness. It drove me nuts. But, after a few years, I started getting used to it, and it wasn't such a big deal. So sometimes just enduring things for awhile will help.

Of course other things helped, such as us not being in a town/city where many people know us, so she and I can still do some PDA's these days, such as when we're in a grocery store.

Most people seem to have a love "language" that they especially need "spoken" to them in order to feel loved. Sometimes a person will have a "primary love language" and a "secondary love language" too. In his book, "The Five Love Languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate," Dr. Gary Chapman outlines the following five languages:

  • Words of Affirmation,
  • Acts of Service,
  • Receiving Gifts,
  • Quality Time,
  • Physical Touch.
The book is mainstream Christian and mono-centric, but not to the point where polyamorists can't greatly benefit from it. I enjoyed reading it and got a lot out of it.

The Physical Touch language, by the way, isn't necessarily about sex; it tends to be more about kisses, hugs, cuddles, etc.
 
I think it's literally all about what you want/need vs. what you can get!

That's where relationship compatibility comes in. Relationships also change over time, and while you might not be getting everything you need right now, it doesn't mean you won't get more in the future.

There's nothing wrong with wanting lots of cuddles. Nothing at all. There's nothing wrong with wanting PDA. Nothing at all!

Don't focus on the negatives!! By this I mean your follow-up thought: "Why weren't we doing this all along?!" To have any chance of getting needs met, one has to articulate the need in the first place ;)

I very much understand how difficult you find it to connect with others. I am very, very much the same way. As you say - it may happen eventually. There is no rush.

It's extremely rare to get everything you want or need out of a person. Poly can be wonderful for that, if you do come across others you connect with. I'd just advise being yourself, learning to understand what your partner *can* offer you, and monitoring whether it's enough for you. If it's not, you'll be miserable 70%+ of the time. If it is, you'll be happy 70%+ of the time!
 
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