Highly sensitive person and poly

....furthermore

Lots of highly sensitive people (I'm purposefully keeping this lower-case, let's say it's a description, NOT a label) grow up feeling bad about ourselves and wanting desperately to change who we are. We're shy, people tell us we are oversensitive, injustice and violence in the world unsettles us deeply in a way that other people seem able to brush off. It is very, very difficult to be a sensitive child who would rather draw pictures of birds than roughhouse with the boys or gossip with the girls. Sensitive, quiet children attract the negative attention bullies and mean girls when we're children, and, if we're not careful, as we get older, predators.

Dr. Aron's work is all about reframing and reclaiming sensitivity. It is wondrous to go from "There's something wrong with me I need to change!" into "It's ok to feel things deeply, and to be very introverted. I don't need to be 'fixed.'"

We would have way less artists and humanitarians in the world if we had less HSP's. Sure, sometimes I wish I was more extraverted, less upset by loud noises and lots of activity, less hurt by violence in the world that has nothing to do with me. But on the other hand, those really aren't bad things.

As for the dark side of being highly sensitive--shyness, depression, social rejection-sensitivity etc....Those can be worked on. I joined the drama club in my high school and choir to overcome my shyness. I fought depression at first with meds and therapy, later with herbs, sunshine, exercise, and better choices in where I lived and my career. But I no longer believe that who I am inherently needs fixing in any way.
 
Following this discussion, quite interesting. I don't like labels, so don't identify as 'an HSP' but I certainly do have many of those traits....and yes, it's made things difficult in many of my relationships, poly, mono, and even platonic friendships.

It's only recently that I've accepted that I'm not broken, and I don't need to be fixed. My challenge is whether I should, and following that, how to let people know that I experience things a bit differently. I can be a great partner for the right person(s). But not everybody can handle it.
 
LoveBunny said:
Personally, I've done more than read a Wikipedia article on the topic and decided "that's me." I've read two books by Dr. Elaine Aron on the topic, my favorite being The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, and talked to my psychiatrist about them back when I was seeing one. I seriously doubt the people debating the existence of HSPs have done ANY reading or research or all on the topic. Please, correct me if I'm wrong.
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My example was hypothetical to make a point. It wasn't about anyone in particular. And so what if I've never heard about HSP nor read anything about it before (which I believe I did state earlier)? That's exactly why I'm questioning it - because all of a sudden several people are using lingo related to some idea that I've never known about before, in a way that makes it seem as if it's quite commonly known. The concept of HSP both surprises me, and seems sketchy to me, especially since I've considered myself to be overly sensitive and introverted my whole life (but I don't adopt these traits as an identity or something that defines who I am). So I am asking questions and expressing my doubts - and have already explained why. I don't need to research a topic independently in order to participate in a discussion about it. I'm not really interested in it enough to go and read more, tbh, because, as I said earlier, no one I personally know looks at themselves, other people, or relating in that way.
 
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LoveBunny said:
It is wondrous to go from "There's something wrong with me I need to change!" into "It's ok to ______. I don't need to be 'fixed.'"
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I think nycindie's well taken point here is that this is wondrous for everybody, not just for people who fit into a particular syndrome or diagnosis or lingo-fied concept. Knowing you're not alone is empowering, but confidence and joy in who you are isn't dependent upon someone else's research and validation of your way of being. I am very surprised that there are people who have been shamed for being sensitive. I suppose I could understand it better if this were a group of men, for clearly social programming does a number on men and boys in this arena, but that women have gotten the message that sensitivity is wrong or defective in some way? Makes me feel sad.
 
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Its a challenge for those of us who are sensitive to deal with the emotions. But with work it can be done, I believe.
 
FallenAngelina said:
women have gotten the message that sensitivity is wrong or defective in some way? Makes me feel sad.
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I think the problem (for both sexes) is that some people who act abusive/controlling will use calling someone sensitive as a means to get what the abusive/controlling person wants.

It seems like there are many threads here from people who were told "You're being sensitive!" by a partner when they expressed legitimate concerns/fears/emotions that were different than what their partner wanted.

For those people, many of them probably aren't beyond-the-norm sensitive at all. Their "sensitivity" is just interfering in the other person getting what they want.

For women in particular, I think "sensitivity" is the same as a lot of "feminine" traits. You have to have it "in the right way" and "in the right amount" for it to be "good/socially acceptable". Does that make sense?
 
LizziE said:
For women in particular, I think "sensitivity" is the same as a lot of "feminine" traits. You have to have it "in the right way" and "in the right amount" for it to be "good/socially acceptable". Does that make sense?
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Yes. I suppose the same could be said for girls/women who've been tagged as too high spirited, too loud, too aggressive, too bitchy. If someone is going to perpetrate or control, they'll use any number of shaming labels, "too sensitive" being just one. So it's important that individuals come to know their innate value, no matter their constellation of characteristics. Highly valuing yourself above anyone else's judgement is the inoculation against abuse and the controlling tactics of others. This is where looking to a diagnosis (of sorts) falls short. When you're shored up by a diagnosis or by the findings of a published researcher, you're still looking outward for a stamp of approval. A diagnosis shouldn't make someone OK. A person is whole and complete just because she is a person and knowing this deeply from the inside creates an atmosphere that controlling abusers find very difficult to penetrate.

Not trying to argue - just discuss. It's an interesting topic.
 
What about the idea that there are two kinds of sensitivity?

  • sensitivity toward others' feelings (empathy),
  • sensitive feelings on behalf of oneself.
Just a thought ...
 
Dennis said:
Its a challenge for those of us who are sensitive to deal with the emotions. But with work it can be done, I believe.
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This is actually not correct. People who are not sensitive can be bad at emotions, both their own and others. People who are senstive can be good or bad at it, too. Sensitive is just an explaination of how the world looks like to you. To me the world is an intense place that over the years I have learned to navigate. As a typical high sensitive person I strive to get to know the world around me and my place in it, and are very attuned to my emotions because they are almost always strong and impossable to ignore. It is either deal or dont bedre in this world, so I found many ways to be in this world, even if some of the things that were important to me were meningless to others.

People who are less sensitive, are less likely to notice details in themselves and others that can be helpful and may have a more difficult time processing difficult emotions that may come in a crisis. Sensitive people are usually very skilled in dealing with difficult emotions because they experience them - even if briefly- very often and so get training in dealing with them. Through that self awareness hsps can also understand others. But yes, people who are not hsp may appear as more robust in everyday life because their moods are more even.

For the millionth time, in every book on high sensitivity it will say it is not a diagnosis. The reason it may appear as one, is because some people are used to being ridiculed for being different. Also, being highly sensitive is not something related to women, most women have very different personality traits and are more robust then a HSP who is really more like an artist than your every day woman.
 
The question is weather or not generalisations are useful. Your generalisations about something you clearly know very little about are less useful.
 
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