His primary partner cheated, what next?

[Klover]

I could use some advice. Though I’m new here, I’ve been poly for about seven years. I am married to my primary partner.

For the last few months I’ve been seeing a man I’ve come to care for quite a bit. He is also married - around 15 years.

Long story short, his wife began talking a lot of shit about how she was never attracted to him, never liked him, cheated on him several times, and they only “became poly” because she wanted her freedom. She shared all of this because she didn’t think he would actually find someone, and she was jealous because he’s learned he is actually poly, even though he was initially forced into this.

Anyway, on Monday he became aware of everything. He also learned that I knew and I was put in a position to verify/validate some of her lies.

He is hurting and destroyed, needless to say. He is not sleeping and they have been going at it all week. I’m so worried about him. Rightfully so, he doesn’t really have the energy to talk to me much, and I also think he’s trying to keep the situations separate.

I'm not sure if anyone has been in this situation or has any ideas. I know it’s messy, but I don’t really want to just disappear. I’m looking for suggestions on how to best support him. Things I should or shouldn’t do? I’ve never been cheated on and this was pretty severe… I can’t pretend to understand what he’s going through or needs. I assume I need to withhold my opinion, even though I see her being extremely manipulative.

Thoughts/advice?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry to hear this happened.

On Monday he became aware of everything. He also learned that I knew, and I was put in a position to verify/validate some of her lies.

You don't have to put the details of that here, but depending on how that went down, he may wonder why you didn't tell him sooner, if you already knew his wife was cheating. He may feel some kind of way about all that and may want a break from talking with you right now.

He is hurting and destroyed, needless to say. He is not sleeping and they have been going at it all week. I’m so worried about him. Rightfully so, he doesn’t really have the energy to talk to me much, and I also think he’s trying to keep the situations separate.

Let him be and give him some space. Wait.

I know it’s messy, but I don’t really want to just disappear. I’m looking for suggestions on how to best support him. Things I should or shouldn’t do? I’ve never been cheated on and this was pretty severe… I can’t pretend to understand what he’s going through or needs. I assume I need to withhold my opinion, even though I see her being extremely manipulative.

"Holding space and waiting" is not "disappearing."

FWIW, when he IS ready to talk to you, I think you could ask him all that. Just be sure to center HIM and not you. Maybe say something like...

"Partner, I'm sorry this happened. I've never been through this before, but I want to center you and be supportive in appropriate ways. I do not want to add to your burdens. How can I best help you, as you deal with your spouse? Would you like me to provide pockets of rest or respite, with quiet, low-key dates? Could I make you some freezer meals?"​

Unless asked, withhold your opinion, even though you see her being extremely manipulative. He's not blind. He doesn't need his spouse harping on him on one side, and then you harping on the other. Do not ADD to his burdens. If you cannot TAKE AWAY, then do nothing.

If he asks you directly for your opinion, state it plain and be factual.

"At this time, I think this is not a healthy relationship. I think you may benefit from talking to a counselor."​

And then you just play the broken record if he asks again. You are not his "free therapist." Maintain your own strong personal boundaries and don't get so sucked into this that you neglect your other relationships.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Klover,

As hard as this will be to hear, I think the most helpful thing you can do, is to give this man some space, and leave this to him and his wife to figure out. This doesn't mean have nothing to do with him, and you can certainly express sympathy. I just mean don't try to figure this out for him. He needs to realize that he deserves better than what his wife is dishing out. That needs to be his realization, not something someone else tells him. If he asks for your advice, you should tell him you don't want to get involved with that, you are too close to the situation to be objective, but that you do feel super bad for him, and are willing to help in any other way. Seriously though, he probably needs some space right now.

I'm very sorry this is happening.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Bobbi]

If it were me, I’d listen to whatever he wanted to share, empathize with how he is feeling, let him know that he is loved and that I am here for him for support, a hug, an ear to listen, etc.

Only offer words that support HIM. Do not mention her, her behaviors, her words (other than to say I imagine that is super hurtful to hear that; I'm sorry you have to go through this). Do not give opinions or any lip service at all about her or the things she has said or done, even if he does. It’s okay for him to complain about her, but It’s not okay for you to. This stuff is not helpful to the person being hurt and actually can make things more difficult, if the hurting person already feels regret, shame and anger. Any negative comments about the offending person can actually cause more shame, more pain. It’s just not helpful.

Ask him what he needs, the best way you can support him. Does he need space? Time? Understanding? Distraction?

 

[Klover]

Thank you all, this is super helpful and thoughtful. I should have clarified that he is reaching out. It’s just obviously a different tone. I’m certain it’ll take time and “space."

I never considered how supportive this community could be. I wish I had asked for advice a couple days ago, because I’ve probably messed up a bit. But I can do better now!

 

[kdt26417]

I'm glad we could help. I have faith that you'll get through this, you have the right idea.