Tenebris Vox
Member
No, you didn't. It was more a discussion to a simple disagreement on the correct path, mine was more to establish a baseline. You shouldn't think yourself awful or what you are thinking.
Hopeful Partner - Advice Needed Please!
- Thread starter UKhere91
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Tenebris Vox
Member
It honestly sounds like what’s happening could be more than just a fantasy kink — almost like a hormonal or emotional shift, that kind of “reawakening” you sometimes see after long relationships. The way you describe her interest — shy but curious, a bit excited by the idea of other men having small influences — feels less like a rejection of you, and more like she’s discovering a new side of herself that’s been suppressed for years.
That “private talk between girlfriends” energy you mentioned — sharing fantasies, teasing about sleeping around — that’s actually really common when someone’s starting to open up to new dynamics. It doesn’t always mean she’s ready to act, but it can be a sign that something deeper is stirring.
If it did evolve, I could see it leaning toward something like a proto–brother-husbands setup — emotionally layered, not just sexually charged. That kind of structure takes a lot of communication and emotional safety, but it’s not out of reach if you both keep honest about what you need.
You’re not doing anything wrong here. In fact, exploring separately — through toys, solo play, even adult media — can help both of you process what you’re feeling without rushing into anything real-world yet. Sometimes that private exploration is what clarifies whether this is just an erotic curiosity or the beginning of a genuine relationship model shift.
That “private talk between girlfriends” energy you mentioned — sharing fantasies, teasing about sleeping around — that’s actually really common when someone’s starting to open up to new dynamics. It doesn’t always mean she’s ready to act, but it can be a sign that something deeper is stirring.
If it did evolve, I could see it leaning toward something like a proto–brother-husbands setup — emotionally layered, not just sexually charged. That kind of structure takes a lot of communication and emotional safety, but it’s not out of reach if you both keep honest about what you need.
You’re not doing anything wrong here. In fact, exploring separately — through toys, solo play, even adult media — can help both of you process what you’re feeling without rushing into anything real-world yet. Sometimes that private exploration is what clarifies whether this is just an erotic curiosity or the beginning of a genuine relationship model shift.
FeralGeek
Active member
Can you be more specific? If I don't understand what you mean by "share her," I can't say she must know either, which I would also be very shy about agreeing to.
Is she happy with this arrangement? Are you? Do you need to address this before adding something to the relationship?
It sounds like open communication is already a huge hurdle for you both, which is a bad place to open a relationship up from:
- Non-monogamy requires not only stating your needs, but also your hard lines and limits, and being able to advocate for those needs and defend those limits.
- Two-person, monogamous relationships often struggle with the above skill sets. Adding additional people who may not also be able to have such conversations will provide compounding levels of misunderstandings and stepped-on toes.
- Not being able to get enthusiastic consent from your partner regarding opening up your relationship is an enormous red flag to me. You need to check back in with her that this is even on the table. "Not sure if I could do it" is shy-person talk for everything from "I need you to push me harder" to "absolutely not."
I don't think you folks are in a position to open up anything until you've both put some work into being able to openly and honestly discuss what you're both actually looking to get out of this.
Honestly, I think this horse won't run and you just don't know how to revive your flagging relationship without injecting some spice into it. Go to a couples' counselor and talk about why you're not having sex with each other, and how you aren't talking, before you start thinking you know how to fix things by adding more women for you to bone.
Yes to this.
FG, he doesn't want to "bone more women." He doesn't seem to want to bone anyone. His gf wants him to have sex with her. He refuses. He is somehow convinced she's more pleased with toys than his own sexual skills and attention. He wants her to have sex with others, rather than work on their own sex life, which is, as he stated a "problem" for both of them. As he says here:
OP said:
He says he is addicted to porn and is now unable, or at least very unwilling, to have an actual physical sexual relationship with his "extremely attractive" partner of 15 years.
Somehow he is convinced his partner would like to start sleeping around with other men... if only she weren't so darn shy! We don't know why he's claiming neither of them want to have sex with each other.
I agree counseling is in order before dragging other people into the mix.
Going out to the bar with one's drinking buddies, sure, when you're tipsy or drunk, you might talk about how this or that guy there is cute. Doesn't mean you really want to have sex with them, bring some rando home and hook up, or that it's a great idea to do so. It's not like they're single dopey young 20-somethings. They're in their 30s. They might even had kids, for all we know.
KND
Member
I have to support @Magdlyn and @LoveBunny EDIT and @FeralGeek on this, at least their basis that it sounds more like your fantasy, and not considering gf's pov or other concerns.
I certainly can't say you are good or awful, as I only know what has been shared here. So based on what has been shared, I agree you should step back from trying to make things happen. Sounds like gf isn't ready. Maybe never. Maybe she does want to act on these fantasies. If she does eventually truly want to, then that could be awesome for you both. If she is pushed even a little and even from a basis of basically wanting to, that is likely to harm her and your relationship. I have some experience here. The idea of enthusiastic consent is important.
My current partner and I have lots of shared and individual fantasies, especially when being physical. After playtime, we clarify what was fantasy and what was something we might truly want to do. We have this discussion at other non-sexually charged times too. We have acted on some of the 'real' fantasies, and they have been awesome experiences, as we know we are on a firm foundation together. We follow up with each other after as well-- a debriefing, so to speak.
You all do not seem as you have this necessary clear communication, yet. That's ok. Work on it.
You are heading into a hurricane in a row boat. You're going to need a bigger boat.
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I join the "you two are obviously disconnected" club.
Ethical non-monogamy will not work for you, until your relationship is strong again. You need to talk much more in depth and find intimacy again - and only from that foundations could you experiment with others, if this desire really emerges.
Ethical non-monogamy will not work for you, until your relationship is strong again. You need to talk much more in depth and find intimacy again - and only from that foundations could you experiment with others, if this desire really emerges.
It is not okay to deliberately refuse to have sex with your girlfriend in the hope that this will push her to fuck other men so that you can get off on your cuck fantasy. It's dishonest and selfish.
You need to tell your girlfriend that that's what you want so she can make an informed decision about what she wants to do with her life.
Cuckold fantasies are very common and there is no reason to feel shame about it. But it is not okay to treat your girlfriend this way. It is not okay to imagine that she wants to act on your fantasies without actually communicating with her.
You need to tell your girlfriend that that's what you want so she can make an informed decision about what she wants to do with her life.
Cuckold fantasies are very common and there is no reason to feel shame about it. But it is not okay to treat your girlfriend this way. It is not okay to imagine that she wants to act on your fantasies without actually communicating with her.
Giving this a little more thought--
The OP told us "maybe I am worthless, awful," which could be his real feelings, but also sounds like it could be part of the cuckolding kink. Often humiliation is part of it, the wife telling the husband how inadequate of a lover he is, small dicked, etc., while the bull is fucking her.
Maybe the OP does have poor bedroom skills, which his gf has complained about... Maybe she does prefer toys to him. But why couldn't he use the toys on her in mutual play?
The OP told us "maybe I am worthless, awful," which could be his real feelings, but also sounds like it could be part of the cuckolding kink. Often humiliation is part of it, the wife telling the husband how inadequate of a lover he is, small dicked, etc., while the bull is fucking her.
Maybe the OP does have poor bedroom skills, which his gf has complained about... Maybe she does prefer toys to him. But why couldn't he use the toys on her in mutual play?
Sure, I'm just throwing ideas out there. I do think if a person has poor sexual skills, and has a dissatisfied partner, it is good to work at improving one's skills, and if one isn't well-endowed, or doesn't enjoy giving oral, using a dildo, vibrator or something else on one's partner could be welcome. There's never anything wrong with increasing one's sexual repertoire/skill set.