Hello everyone,
This is my first post on the forum, though I have checked in here many a time to see how other people handle issues that come up in poly relationships. I am in awe of the level of smartness and self-awareness here, and first off want to say thank you to all the posters who share and try to help…
I am at a critical point in my relationship with my boyfriend, and am asking for thoughts, advice, & support. I’m not sure how to do this without writing a tome, so I apologize for the length of this post!
Background: “Steve” and I met as play partners several years ago. It’s my first poly relationship. Over the past 2 years, our relationship has deepened considerably, and continues to deepen. We love each other tremendously; our adoration and enjoyment of each other is mutual. We have so much fun together, and are a big part of each others’ lives. He is my only partner right now; I’m actively pursuing dating with the goal of finding a poly life partner.
He is happily married to “Susan”. They started as non-monogamous & over the past couple of years they’ve opened up to being in love with other people. They are solid. Susan also has a serious long-term relationship with her girlfriend. I like, respect, and trust Susan.
It’s been a bumpy ride with Steve. And, it’s been the most amazing, incredibly exciting growth experience, and I feel like I am learning to fly! But we have major issues that we try repeatedly to solve with limited success. We want to do therapy but scheduling’s been difficult. Now things have come to a head and I’m not sure I can go on.
Main ongoing issues: 1) he’s excited about our love deepening, but also fearful about how it might threaten his marriage. A year ago we said we were going to let our relationship flourish into whatever it might become. Then he got scared and wanted to limit it to a traditional primary/secondary. I agreed though it was painful. But I’d rather do P/S than not have him in my life, plus I was confident I could do it. Then he changed his mind again to multiple primaries. Now it seems back to P/S. He’s had a really hard time figuring out what he wants in terms of commitment. He tries, but he’s not high on the self-awareness scale. His yo-yoing brings up old abandonment stuff and hurts my feelings. Many opportunities to look at my stuff, which is great. And painful.
2) It’s a theme that I’ve needed him to be more consistent, and dependable than it seems he can be overall. Our depth of love brings with it for me a need for a certain level of dependability and consistency from him. But it's sometimes more than what he wants to or can provide. He cancels on me fairly regularly, often due to his scheduling issues (present for him in all his relationships). He forgets phone dates, etc. I’ve asked him to use an online calendar, even do one with me, but he’s resisted, until recently—I think because of his mixed feelings re wanting a full-blown Relationship with me, and his desire to just live his life bachelor style.
3) When sh*t goes down, I need him to be present with me and my feelings, and to have open communication. He’s working on it, and sometimes he can be very present. But his core issue is that he’s quite threatened by the disappointment of those he loves. He often gets defensive when I express my feelings (I am careful to own them and not blame or hold him responsible). Sometimes he can’t hear them at all which leads to me feeling abandoned. My codependence can kick in and I “disappear” myself so I won’t have to deal with his anger/frustration. I’m working on this. But my new commitment to honesty isn’t going over very well, understandably.
4) He’s taken on some new commitments, which means we have less time together. This is very challenging for me. I feel not prioritized, and I miss him. On his end, he’s stressed.
5) I so want to grow, and welcome the way poly’s lack of false security (“you are my one and only forever") really makes me deal with my shit. Freedom! Yet at the same time, I’m human and I do need connection and some sense of dependability in a partner. I have a hard time figuring out what’s reasonable to expect, and when I might be being treated disrespectfully…or what that even means. Is it disrespectful if someone simply acts according to their desires, and means no harm?
The most recent incident: we made a date in May to see a very special performer, and then spend the night together. We’ve been excited about it. First, he didn’t tell Susan we had that date, even after she started to make plans for them to attend the event with their friends (his aversion to conflict). When she found out Steve and I were going, she was hurt and disappointed. But they agreed she would still go (fine with me).
He says he’s very stressed about the event due to a semi-disaster not long ago at a party, when he and I were on a date and he basically abandoned me for Susan (he missed her and was kind of drunk). Then, somehow, they invited an out-of-town friend for the event/performance weekend. He says he didn’t realize it was that weekend but he’s fudged the truth before so I don’t fully trust him on this.
He tells me that there’s a chance he and the friend may play. I say great, have fun! And let’s really plan this event carefully so everyone gets some of their needs met, and use it as an opportunity to grow. He agrees. Then later he tells me that he actually wants to cancel our date to the event, because he wants to be there as a free agent, and to be available to play that evening and all weekend with the out-of-town gal (they have a firm date on Friday) as this is an unusual opportunity and he’s very attracted to her.
I’m really hurt and feel expendable, and like he doesn’t value our plans and I can’t trust him to keep plans. I feel tossed aside. Also we had said we would make efforts to minimize our ups-and-downs because it's been so hard lately, but I don’t feel his behavior reflects that commitment. He got angry at me for expressing my hurt, and accused me of just thinking of my own needs. Why couldn’t I just give him my blessings, seeing how happy this would make him, and say sure, have a great time; why do I have to make a big deal about it. Later he apologized. But I expressed my hurt again, and now he is distancing and not communicating much with me.
Is there some way I could stretch so that I could say what he wants and mean it? I’ve been saying I want to try backing off somehow to lower my expectations—is that even possible? Is he being a dick? Am I being selfish? Are my feelings of hurt and expendability part of “attachment” and my old issues, and is that something I should strive to grow out of? Am I being a doormat? Are my feelings reasonable (what does that even mean)? Is it a hopeless case of mismatched needs: I need to know he’s dependable and will show up, and he needs to act freely without considering my feelings, as if we had a much more casual type of relationship. Do I accept he’s ambivalent, will continue to give me mixed messages, and leave him?
I’m inclined to the latter, but would really welcome any input. Again, sorry this is so long. I am not the greatest at summarizing.
Thank you for your help!!!
This is my first post on the forum, though I have checked in here many a time to see how other people handle issues that come up in poly relationships. I am in awe of the level of smartness and self-awareness here, and first off want to say thank you to all the posters who share and try to help…
I am at a critical point in my relationship with my boyfriend, and am asking for thoughts, advice, & support. I’m not sure how to do this without writing a tome, so I apologize for the length of this post!
Background: “Steve” and I met as play partners several years ago. It’s my first poly relationship. Over the past 2 years, our relationship has deepened considerably, and continues to deepen. We love each other tremendously; our adoration and enjoyment of each other is mutual. We have so much fun together, and are a big part of each others’ lives. He is my only partner right now; I’m actively pursuing dating with the goal of finding a poly life partner.
He is happily married to “Susan”. They started as non-monogamous & over the past couple of years they’ve opened up to being in love with other people. They are solid. Susan also has a serious long-term relationship with her girlfriend. I like, respect, and trust Susan.
It’s been a bumpy ride with Steve. And, it’s been the most amazing, incredibly exciting growth experience, and I feel like I am learning to fly! But we have major issues that we try repeatedly to solve with limited success. We want to do therapy but scheduling’s been difficult. Now things have come to a head and I’m not sure I can go on.
Main ongoing issues: 1) he’s excited about our love deepening, but also fearful about how it might threaten his marriage. A year ago we said we were going to let our relationship flourish into whatever it might become. Then he got scared and wanted to limit it to a traditional primary/secondary. I agreed though it was painful. But I’d rather do P/S than not have him in my life, plus I was confident I could do it. Then he changed his mind again to multiple primaries. Now it seems back to P/S. He’s had a really hard time figuring out what he wants in terms of commitment. He tries, but he’s not high on the self-awareness scale. His yo-yoing brings up old abandonment stuff and hurts my feelings. Many opportunities to look at my stuff, which is great. And painful.
2) It’s a theme that I’ve needed him to be more consistent, and dependable than it seems he can be overall. Our depth of love brings with it for me a need for a certain level of dependability and consistency from him. But it's sometimes more than what he wants to or can provide. He cancels on me fairly regularly, often due to his scheduling issues (present for him in all his relationships). He forgets phone dates, etc. I’ve asked him to use an online calendar, even do one with me, but he’s resisted, until recently—I think because of his mixed feelings re wanting a full-blown Relationship with me, and his desire to just live his life bachelor style.
3) When sh*t goes down, I need him to be present with me and my feelings, and to have open communication. He’s working on it, and sometimes he can be very present. But his core issue is that he’s quite threatened by the disappointment of those he loves. He often gets defensive when I express my feelings (I am careful to own them and not blame or hold him responsible). Sometimes he can’t hear them at all which leads to me feeling abandoned. My codependence can kick in and I “disappear” myself so I won’t have to deal with his anger/frustration. I’m working on this. But my new commitment to honesty isn’t going over very well, understandably.
4) He’s taken on some new commitments, which means we have less time together. This is very challenging for me. I feel not prioritized, and I miss him. On his end, he’s stressed.
5) I so want to grow, and welcome the way poly’s lack of false security (“you are my one and only forever") really makes me deal with my shit. Freedom! Yet at the same time, I’m human and I do need connection and some sense of dependability in a partner. I have a hard time figuring out what’s reasonable to expect, and when I might be being treated disrespectfully…or what that even means. Is it disrespectful if someone simply acts according to their desires, and means no harm?
The most recent incident: we made a date in May to see a very special performer, and then spend the night together. We’ve been excited about it. First, he didn’t tell Susan we had that date, even after she started to make plans for them to attend the event with their friends (his aversion to conflict). When she found out Steve and I were going, she was hurt and disappointed. But they agreed she would still go (fine with me).
He says he’s very stressed about the event due to a semi-disaster not long ago at a party, when he and I were on a date and he basically abandoned me for Susan (he missed her and was kind of drunk). Then, somehow, they invited an out-of-town friend for the event/performance weekend. He says he didn’t realize it was that weekend but he’s fudged the truth before so I don’t fully trust him on this.
He tells me that there’s a chance he and the friend may play. I say great, have fun! And let’s really plan this event carefully so everyone gets some of their needs met, and use it as an opportunity to grow. He agrees. Then later he tells me that he actually wants to cancel our date to the event, because he wants to be there as a free agent, and to be available to play that evening and all weekend with the out-of-town gal (they have a firm date on Friday) as this is an unusual opportunity and he’s very attracted to her.
I’m really hurt and feel expendable, and like he doesn’t value our plans and I can’t trust him to keep plans. I feel tossed aside. Also we had said we would make efforts to minimize our ups-and-downs because it's been so hard lately, but I don’t feel his behavior reflects that commitment. He got angry at me for expressing my hurt, and accused me of just thinking of my own needs. Why couldn’t I just give him my blessings, seeing how happy this would make him, and say sure, have a great time; why do I have to make a big deal about it. Later he apologized. But I expressed my hurt again, and now he is distancing and not communicating much with me.
Is there some way I could stretch so that I could say what he wants and mean it? I’ve been saying I want to try backing off somehow to lower my expectations—is that even possible? Is he being a dick? Am I being selfish? Are my feelings of hurt and expendability part of “attachment” and my old issues, and is that something I should strive to grow out of? Am I being a doormat? Are my feelings reasonable (what does that even mean)? Is it a hopeless case of mismatched needs: I need to know he’s dependable and will show up, and he needs to act freely without considering my feelings, as if we had a much more casual type of relationship. Do I accept he’s ambivalent, will continue to give me mixed messages, and leave him?
I’m inclined to the latter, but would really welcome any input. Again, sorry this is so long. I am not the greatest at summarizing.
Thank you for your help!!!
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