Hoping this is the place for me...

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GingerAvenger77

New member
Hello, I am here to find all the answers to all the questions that have been plagueing me for quite some time. Are you up to the challenge?

I am a happily married man and have been for 13 years now. (Side note: when I began my quest for answers at a general relationship support forum, I was given hell for claiming to be "happily married" with eyes for another woman!). Over the past few years, my wife and I have enjoyed pillowtalk revolving around sharing our bed with another person (male or female), but admittedly I've been more open to it than she. I think most of that is due to her low self esteem and her somewhat traditional Bible Belt upbringing (she's mostly agnostic now and I'm a full-on atheist ;-) ).

So we are both monogamous and have been for the entirety of our marriage and relationship. I've been her one and only. We have two kids ages 8 and 5, so our time is limited. Until recently, a family lived at the end of the cul-de-sac and our children would play together almost daily. Since I worked flexible hours, I was home most of the time and developed a very strong friendship with the mom. What started out as a fun notion of "hey, she's cute," became more intriguing as I got to know her and saw how much we had in common. Oddly enough, she and my wife border on doppelgängers. But I kept it on the up and up as friends (wouldn't want to risk a good friendship even if my wife gave her consent).

I was managing to keep things professional and make sure my feelings stayed out of the mix and locked up tight in the friend zone. Until the for sale sign went up in front of their house. It was hard to keep the emotions inside then. That's kind of how I knew I needed help. It's always been one sided, so there was never been anything "there," so to speak. My wife knows the whole truth and knows there is nothing there. And I wouldn't do anything anyway wothout everyone being cool with it. But that doesn't do much for me who now feels a little bit of something is missing from my life. Even though they moved only a few miles away, I don't get to have her as a part of my daily life. Yeah, it hurts. I cried. I'm 38 and I cried over a girl.

I still talk to her in text (Facebook messenger mainly), but am pretty sure I am just the annoying needy friend. But I'm also a terrible judge of friendship because of low self esteem (kind of how my wife and I work so well together ;-) ).

Knowing that this particular person will unlikely ever be a potential partner, it has opened my mind up to the possibility that I may be one I those people who have more love to give than the average person and have more room in my heart for someone else. I know I love my wife and never want to leave her or see her go. I'm facing a midlife crisis of sorts it seems and I'm looking for the right path to carry me across that gap. Something is missing from my life and it don't yet know what that is.

Side note: I identify as an introvert which makes building new friendships challenging. I also have MS and worry that a lot of my active time is limited (not an issue now and may never be, but there that thought in the back of my mind).

Well, that was way longer than I had planned and I don't know if it came out right. Part of me just need to get it out in the open.

Thanks!
 
GingerAvenger77 said:
....I may be one I those people who have more love to give than the average person and have more room in my heart for someone else. I know I love my wife and never want to leave her or see her go.
Click to expand...

Hi Ginger - welcome.

It's not clear whether you're asking how to make your feelings OK for you or whether you're asking help with bringing polyamory into your life, but I'll tell you, after 17 years of marriage and 55 years on this earth, what you're experiencing is normal and felt by the vast majority of monogamous people at one or several points along the line of partnered life. Most either don't act on it or act on it secretly (hence: an affair) but very few people live their entire lives with desire for one and only one romantic partner at a time. Some couples are fine with telling each other about their crushes and it's no big deal. Some couples openly explore their crushes and welcome polyamorous feelings. Most couples fall into shame and don't allow themselves to go anywhere near being OK with it and try to stay "loyal" in their hearts, feeling guilty and errant all the while. My experience is that most everyone comes across another person (or several) through whom love beckons, but few of us have the societal support and healthy modeling for how to explore this. It's an age old human experience and certainly the feelings are nothing aberrant or rare, so just know first thing that you're not an oddball. Everyone has a lot of love to give, it's just a matter of whether they will allow it to flow and how they choose to express it. That many people struggle with allowing love for several others doesn't mean that many people don't experience love feelings for others. Maybe our society is getting better recognizing this, maybe it's not, but you are "normal." That's important to know.
 
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I used to post in another relationships forum, too. Until the day that multiple posters, even a few that I'd respected before, told me that I deserved abuse because in moving on from my crazy ex, particularly in loving multiple partners instead of just having one, even, I was "poking the bear" and so him threatening my life with a loaded gun was just totally understandable and my own fault.

Even though they were all very aware that the threatening and violent behavior is what drove me out of that marriage, well before I opened myself up to dating anyone else. It wasn't just a reaction to anything I was doing.

"What did you expect?" Because apparently a "normal" monogamous person, when faced with something as weird and deviant as polyamory, has every right to threaten violence in response to it.

I'd been posting there for about five years, and that was the day I nuked my account at that site, and went looking for somewhere else to talk to people about relationships. I'm stunned, at times, at things that somehow seem OK to "normal" people in our society.

So to apply this to you...your wife doesn't judge you for noticing and taking interest in another woman. So who cares what those people think? I've actually talked to people who told me that multiple lovers knowing each other, or knowing about each other, is the weird part. Apparently having guilty secrets is somehow more acceptable to mainstream society. Well screw that. Good on you for being honest about your feelings, to yourself AND to your wife, even if you weren't prepared to share them with the subject of your interest, which is understandable. Best of luck in your journey, wherever it shall lead.

EDIT: I should clarify that I absolutely don't mean "monogamous people" when I say "normal people"...I am referring to narrow-minded individuals who follow programmed social scripts and have great difficulty considering that some people might be following a different script, or no script, etc. The judgemental ones. Those who believe that there is only one right way to be, live, have relationships, families, etc. and view anything else as a threatening abberation. Muggles. Pearl clutchers.
 
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Thanks for the supportive replies :)

I certainly think there was/is a need on my part to get reassurance that my feelings are OK/normal, and you both have done that. I'm grateful.

I think I need to clarify that while my wife is aware of my feelings for this other person on a limited level (mainly because I'm not entirely sure the full scope of my feelings yet), she is not exactly on board with the notion of polyamory being "OK." We enjoy the thought of multiple partners on a non-emotional level, but she lets her low-self-esteem come out as jealousy. And I respect that. I would never act on these feelings without her consent and approval. But I'm working on her and trying to help boost her self image and help her work through a mild amount of depression (which goes hand-in-hand with the self-esteem issue). I think once she is happier overall, she'll be able to let go of some of her hang ups on the subject.

But in reality, we are both very introverted people and have very few opportunities to meet new people in an atmosphere that we would be comfortable in.

I'm want to write more and may later this evening after I have several more miles of thought-inducing driving under my belt :)

Thanks again for being a supportive sounding board!
 
Greetings GingerAvenger77,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You might find Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ page useful, it is good for people who are new to poly, and might help ease some of your wife's concerns. Of course, you can also continue to participate here on Polyamory.com, and get more info/feedback from the good folks here. And you can look for poly groups near you; try googling "polyamory" with your state or nearest major city and see what turns up.

I am glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I am so impressed

Thank you Ginger for composing such an open and honest self evaluation. It is fill with so many emotions. The pain, confusion, and sexual desire for another. I don't know about some of the other forum members but it was if you were writing my story. Having your posting followed up by the insight of Karen (fallenangelina) was so awesome that I shared it with my wife. She was struck by the fact that others deal with our wish to share with others. It gives us hope that our relationship is still out there for us.
I have yet to post our introduction because I was really at a loss for words to relay to you other forum members to understand us as a couple.
 
Hello Ginger,

Loved your introduction. I can empathize with exactly what you wrote. My husband I went through the whole "Wait, I can have feelings/love another person and it not be bad for our relationship?" It was scary, difficult but rewarding and liberating.

Welcome! Hope to hear more from you.

P.
 
Thanks, RUourcouple and Perrey! :)

I am very thankful to have found this forum. This is my only thread so far and it has been welcomed with overwhelming support. Makes me feel hopeful that I'm in the right path. There is a local poly support group that uses an older mailing list system and has monthly meet and greets, but the mailing list seems mostly dead and I have yet to be bold enough to visit. I wonder how many people I know or encounter that would support the idea or are even actively engaged in a polyamorous relationship. I avoid "liking" or commenting on anything I come across on the subject on Facebook for fear of my friends and family either looking down on me or teasing me on the subject.

Thanks again for being the support network I've been looking for :). I'll be around more often, I'm sure!
 
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