How and how much do you help a partner adapt when you date someone new?

M

MsEmotional

Member
I thought things were going pretty well as far as Ponytail adjusting to the idea of me dating someone new. He had expressed some concerns about my time and I reassured him that many of my dates with Whiskers would be during the daytime because we have relatively flexible work schedules.

Well, on our last lunchtime date, I realized that I really wanted to have an evening date with Whiskers sometime soon in order for it to feel like more of a “date” and allow me to feel like I know where I want this to go with him. So I asked him out for next Friday evening.

In talking about plans for this upcoming week, as we went through our schedules I mentioned that I had plans with Whiskers on Friday and then I asked Ponytail if he was available on Saturday. Ponytail got really sad. At first he just looked hurt and surprised. Then he asked me what had changed — why was I making evening plans with Whiskers when I had said it would just be a daytime thing? I explained that, well, I hadn’t realized that it would be an expectation that I *never* see Whiskers in the evening....I had just meant that with the flexibility that Whiskers and I have, it wouldn’t be a given that another night would get taken up each week if I started seeing someone new....

Anyway, the point is, Ponytail is having a hard time of it. He is sad and feels insecure. I get it. But I also don’t really know what to do.

How much am I supposed to put my dating on hold for a partner who is not comfortable/anxious about it? This is a consistent thing: Ponytail had the same reaction both of the times that I became intimate with Laptop. It’s not a “Not now” thing — it’s just a “I’m scared” thing. I know how it feels, because I struggled with the same thing wirh Ponytail dating....but then Ponytail stopped dating and I feel like I was “supposed” to stop too. I really want to explore this with Whiskers, though. I don’t know where it will go, but I don’t want to cut it off before I even know how I feel.

Are there ways that I can make this easier for Ponytail? Or should I just proceed forward with honest and open communication and rest assured that once it happens and it becomes less scary, Ponytail will adjust?
 
Ponytail needs to work on his insecurity on his own.

It is not your job to manage that for him.
 
Dagferi said:
Ponytail needs to work on his insecurity on his own.

It is not your job to manage that for him.
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That was my thinking too.

But a few months ago when things were going awry with Laptop (the first time) someone on here commented asking why Laptop was seeking new partners at all if his current partners weren’t comfortable with that. It made me wonder if I have this all mixed up — like, am I not supposed to seek new partners if any of my current partners are experiencing insecurity?
 
MsEmotional said:
That was my thinking too.

But a few months ago when things were going awry with Laptop (the first time) someone on here commented asking why Laptop was seeking new partners at all if his current partners weren’t comfortable with that. It made me wonder if I have this all mixed up — like, am I not supposed to seek new partners if any of my current partners are experiencing insecurity?
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There is insecurity, and there is consent.

It's important to only induce as much insecurity as your partner can (with your help perhaps) handle, otherwise you're ... well, you're not doing anything wrong, but ... you're hurting the trust between the two of you.

Hopefully Ponytail is committed to working through his issues. You can ask him if he still consents to you dating even if it means experiencing and confronting this insecurity. Hopefully he does. If it's too much, you can slow down. You can also acknowledge the insecurity and comfort him without getting insecure yourself and changing any of your positions.
 
I agree with Tinwen.

If the speed at which you date is causing Ponytail hard times? You could slow it down. Because the goal while poly-dating new people is to date and KEEP your existing partners, right? Not run roughshod over them?

In your journal you seem to recognize it. I don't think it is additional trouble but the main trouble.

The additional trouble, of course, is that in only 10 days time, things went south with Laptop and I re-opened my OKC account, I re-connected with Whiskers, I helped Ponytail re-open his account, I made a second date with Whiskers, and now Ponytail has closed his account again.
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That is a LOT in 10 days.

Ultimately if your dating style is too much for Ponytail or he finds it triggering, he can choose to bow out. Or if his fears are too annoying for you to accommodate you can bow out of dating him any more too.

But I can kinda see where Ponytail might coming from. Rollercoaster with you from really upset to whee! in less than 2 weeks. It may be hard for him to keep up with you and still feel stable himself in that situation because what are you going to be feeling/doing in the next two weeks?

You might thrive on a lot of stimulus but he might find it exhausting.

Galagirl
 
The problem with Laptop's partners being uncomfortable was, as Tinwen said, partly a consent thing: did they actually consent to being part of a poly configuration, or was he dating despite their objections? But if I remember right, another factor was that he was allowing his uncomfortable partners to dictate who he saw and how and when.

That last bit? That's what you want to *avoid* doing with Ponytail. You want to avoid letting his insecurity determine your dating life and interfere with your other relationships, because if you do allow it to interfere, you aren't being fair to anyone. Not yourself, because you're having to choose not to see people you want to see; not to Ponytail because if you give in to his insecurity, you're removing his motivation and impetus to actually work on it and try to get past it. And especially not to Whiskers (or anyone else you might start a thing with); remember how you felt when Laptop told you he wasn't going to see you because of his other partners?

Honestly, if it were me, I would just say, "I'm sorry we had a misunderstanding about whether I would have any evening dates with Whiskers. I can see this is hard for you. The date is already made, and I'm not going to change it, but is there anything else I can do to help you manage this?"
 
GalaGirl said:
But I can kinda see where Ponytail might coming from. Rollercoaster with you from really upset to whee! in less than 2 weeks. It may be hard for him to keep up with you and still feel stable himself in that situation because what are you going to be feeling/doing in the next two weeks?

You might thrive on a lot of stimulus but he might find it exhausting.
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Please consider THIS. ^

I myself am an "empath" and, as such, am highly sensitive to others' moods, especially that of my partners obviously.

I've always been the kind of person to whom friends, family members, even complete strangers come to in order to "debrief" about their personal problems... and can expend a LOT of emotional energy offering support, consolation, a shoulder to cry on, thinking of possible solutions, etc. Which is totally fine.

It can become an issue however when those same people who appeared so distraught, overwhelmed and at the end of their tether yesterday or last week, seem to move past the original problem... and often onto a new relationship or personal dilemma in quick succession.

Then the emotional rollercoaster tends to start all over again. Either their mood suddenly flips from anxious/down to super excited/up (while I, their support person, may be still feeling wrung out and emotional on their behalf). OR, if things aren't going so well in the new situation, they may require additional support, comfort or advice, which necessitates a mindset shift from "old issue" to "new issue" on the part of the listener/sounding board, which isn't always as simple as it sounds.

Everyone's style of coping with change/relationships/personal dilemmas is different, so not judging you or your choices, MsEmotional. But it's just possible that Ponytail is not simply jealous or finding it hard to adjust to you dating someone new... but he may be a very sensitive person in general, who is very attuned to your moods and what you're going through (and have gone through recently). He may process change more slowly than you do, and need more time to adjust to new information and expectations.
 
GalaGirl said:
I agree with Tinwen.

If the speed at which you date is causing Ponytail hard times? You could slow it down. Because the goal while poly-dating new people is to date and KEEP your existing partners, right? Not run roughshod over them?

In your journal you seem to recognize it. I don't think it is additional trouble but the main trouble.



That is a LOT in 10 days.

Ultimately if your dating style is too much for Ponytail or he finds it triggering, he can choose to bow out. Or if his fears are too annoying for you to accommodate you can bow out of dating him any more too.

But I can kinda see where Ponytail might coming from. Rollercoaster with you from really upset to whee! in less than 2 weeks. It may be hard for him to keep up with you and still feel stable himself in that situation because what are you going to be feeling/doing in the next two weeks?

You might thrive on a lot of stimulus but he might find it exhausting.

Galagirl
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I can see what you mean, but I just want to clarify that I’m not all gaga over Whiskers or anything. We’ve gone on two daytime dates (a week apart) and have a third one planned for a week later. We have hugged three times, never kissed, and we text a couple times a day — stuff like, “Taking the kids to the zoo! Hope you’re having a good day!” I like his style of polyamory and I am cautiously optimistic, but I am not rushing anything.

It feels like a lot is going on because of the rapidity with which *Ponytail* has engaged with (and then disengaged from) dating. I think that is more where the feelings of “whirlwind” emotions come from. It feels to me like he was (for months) gearing up to start dating again and I was processing my emotions with that....and then the moment we both opened ourselves up to that possibility, he backed off of it and then got anxious about me continuing.
 
KC43 said:
The problem with Laptop's partners being uncomfortable was, as Tinwen said, partly a consent thing: did they actually consent to being part of a poly configuration, or was he dating despite their objections?
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It does help to know that there was some confusion over this back when I was posting about the Laptop situation originally that may have affected the advice I received at that time.

It's obviously a moot point, but just to clarify, all of Laptop's partners identified as poly. They knew he was married, they were (themselves) married women, and believed (at least in theory) in polyamory and had identified as such for much longer than either Laptop or myself. Banana knew that Laptop was sleeping with Giraffe and supposedly had no problems with that. They both were okay with him having unprotected sex with his wife, who was part of a much bigger poly network than I am. It was just me who, for some reason, was the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know if it was because I have sex with men who have sex with men and that squigged them out as far as their STI tolerance, or if the STI thing was just a ruse and they just found me threatening for some other reason. Like I said, it's a moot point, but they supposedly were fine with polyamory and they were fine with him dating other people, they just didn't want him to have sex with me. :confused:

But if I remember right, another factor was that he was allowing his uncomfortable partners to dictate who he saw and how and when.

That last bit? That's what you want to *avoid* doing with Ponytail. You want to avoid letting his insecurity determine your dating life and interfere with your other relationships, because if you do allow it to interfere, you aren't being fair to anyone. Not yourself, because you're having to choose not to see people you want to see; not to Ponytail because if you give in to his insecurity, you're removing his motivation and impetus to actually work on it and try to get past it. And especially not to Whiskers (or anyone else you might start a thing with); remember how you felt when Laptop told you he wasn't going to see you because of his other partners?

Honestly, if it were me, I would just say, "I'm sorry we had a misunderstanding about whether I would have any evening dates with Whiskers. I can see this is hard for you. The date is already made, and I'm not going to change it, but is there anything else I can do to help you manage this?"
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Yes. And this is how I am feeling too. And I pretty much said exactly what you quoted above to Ponytail last night and he seemed to accept it, so that's good.

I don't believe that Ponytail has the right to dictate whether I have other relationships -- especially since he has always stated that he values autonomy in relationships and his long-term goals involve him having other relationships. I think he knows this too, but just feels insecure and frustrated with himself for being insecure.

I think I am probably doing the right thing. We recently went to a non-monogamy munch in which someone said something to the effect of, "You aren't doing your partner any favors when you stop dating in order to make them more comfortable" and what you wrote above about me avoiding taking away his motivation to work on his insecurity resonated similarly. I just wanted to check in on here and make sure that I wasn't violating some kind of unwritten rule of dating new people.
 
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Hi MsE,

Just stopping in real quick to say, I think you're doing fine in the situation with Whiskers/Ponytail. Things may be a little rough for Ponytail right now, but, as long as you are offering him some kind of concession, that seems fine.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It feels like a lot is going on because of the rapidity with which *Ponytail* has engaged with (and then disengaged from) dating. I think that is more where the feelings of “whirlwind” emotions come from. It feels to me like he was (for months) gearing up to start dating again and I was processing my emotions with that....and then the moment we both opened ourselves up to that possibility, he backed off of it and then got anxious about me continuing.
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If the whirlwind part is coming from Ponytail and not you? Then you have to detach from whatever Ponytail is doing. And just get on with your OWN dating life then.

It's not a race or a competition. It doesn't have to be like "I can only date when Ponytail is dating."

You have to let his stuff be his stuff -- his anxiety about his online dating? That's his emotional management to be doing.

If you are not exacerbating anything by being too "kid in a candy store" with you dating pace? Then his anxiety is on him to deal with.

Galagirl
 
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