How did I get here?

[ThatYankBird]

I don't really have a question at the moment, so I thought I'd share my story, and where I'm at now. Comments and observations welcome.

It's taken me over 20 years to realise that traditional monogamous relationships aren't for me. I first had an inkling when, during my first marriage, I became attracted to someone else. I had never heard of polyamory, I thought only weird hippy freaky people who lived in communes did that kind of thing. I thought my feelings meant that I wasn't really in love with my husband, and we just weren't meant to be.

I rushed into a second marriage for all the wrong reasons, and that didn't work out, either. After that ended, I started dating lots of different guys, on my own terms. I was in my mid thirties and having the time of my life. When I think about it now, I guess I was solo poly, but again, had never heard of poly, and was just making things up as I went along. I didn't get very close to any one person, as I was afraid of someone wanting to tie me down, and I knew I just wasn't ready for that.

Of course I started to feel lonely and a bit disconnected eventually. I missed a strong emotional bond with someone. A couple of the men I dated became good friends, but most of them were pretty much casual FWBs. Had a couple dates with a man I worked with, and when I told him that I still wanted to see other people, he balked. I did like him, and wanted to see where it could go, so I gave in, and had a traditional monogamous relationship with him. I had to give up the friendships with the other men, because there had been a sexual element to them. I guess I gave in so easily because I thought there was something wrong with me--I must have been a freak for not wanting a 'normal' relationship.

Continues below...

 

[ThatYankBird]

Continued

So we had a baby, got married, and had another baby.

During my second pregnancy he showed his true colours and became verbally and emotionally abusive. I stayed for years because I was too afraid to leave. I had no family nearby and didn't know how I'd cope with two small children. Fast forward several years, and I finally had a plan, and ended it. By this time I was so far out of the marriage emotionally that I joined OKCupid the day after he moved out.

I had lots of opportunities and dated some really lovely men. I was by no means ready for any serious commitment, but I did allow myself to get close to people. I was up front about not wanting an exclusive relationship. It seemed easier this time around, maybe because of my age. No one wanting to start a family would be looking at someone my age. I had begun reading more about poly, and the concept of Solo Polyamory really appealed to me. I don't like to put a label on myself, as I think labels tend to be self-limiting, but in general I think this fits me.

I'm still working on my boundaries, and what I'll accept, what's unacceptable, etc. Not knowing/not having firm boundaries may have contributed to a sad breakup about 18months ago, but at least he and I are still on friendly terms, and I'd be open to resuming this relationship on some level in the future.

I'm going through a sort of breakup at the moment. It doesn't feel particularly painful, as our relationship had been on the wane for some time. We just weren't able to see much of each other mostly due to scheduling conflicts. He's met someone he'd like to get serious with, and she is 'not comfortable ' having me in the picture. So we're on hold until he knows whether this other relationship is going to be serious or not. (This is definitely going to be one of my boundaries-not dating someone with a partner who has veto power.)

More to come...

 

[ThatYankBird]

And here we are

There is another man in my life, we've been seeing each other for about a year and a half. For all practical purposes he is my primary partner, as he is the one I feel closest to, although I value all of my relationships and don't tend to prioritise romantic relationships. (My children do get highest priority.)

He and I had a good chat recently about how we want to structure our relationship. We are on the same page about not wanting exclusivity, and not wanting to become entangled. We see each other because we want to. I should add that I refer to him as 'my boyfriend ' to family and acquaintances, and as far as my children are concerned, he is 'the' boyfriend. He's the only one who spends the night when the kids are here.

He is looking to meet another partner, but has not had much luck. I've recently begun a sexual relationship with a new partner (who was just a friend before) and the talk with the boyfriend about starting this went well. I wasn't asking his permission- just trying to get an idea about how he feels about it, and to let him know that I am sensitive to his feelings. We agree that seem to communicate pretty well. I don't really see the new guy being more than a FWB. And I'm starting to feel that I'm poly saturated with two partners.

So I think that's enough for now. Thanks for reading (if you've made it this far!)

 

[Magdlyn]

Congrats on finally finding your niche! I am sure you left a lot out, what with 3 marriages, and struggles to understand your poly nature, and having 2 kids and all.

I also didn't have a name for what I am for a long time. Being that I am 61, and poly being a new movement, I just thought I was some kind of freakish slut, being in a mono marriage with the guy I met at 19 and married at 22. We were always mono in practice, but I would get strong crushes on others (both men and women, being I am bi). I was married to him for 30 years. 8 years before we split, in 1999, the book The Ethical Slut came out. I was reading books on how to save my marriage and somehow that came across my radar. It wasn't a great book, but it had some info I could use.

We also did couples and individual therapy. We were so not on the same page, as my ex was very mono and very jealous and insecure. It took 8 more years after he sort of accepted my poly nature, for me to leave him. We had 3 kids and they were mid teens to early 20s when we split. It was a rough adjustment for them for a few years. Not so much me being poly, as selling the house, their beloved home base, and my ex and me both getting apartments.

So, just to let you know you're not alone in your confusion and struggles, I thought I'd share a little of my story!

 

[starlight1]

Hey Yankbird, welcome to the blogs and forums. Your story is really interesting, you've been through a lot with relationships and i'm looking forward to reading about your experience and adventures with poly and with life.