How do I deal with this pain?

[GreyMatterGirl]

This is my first post, guys.

Last night, my boyfriend had a date with another girl. I was so excited for him all day! I called him beforehand to ask him if he wanted suggestions about what he could wear (because I know all of the clothes in his closet, and what looks good on him) and how he could do his hair. I like to know he looks good for girls! His current profile pic on okc is a great one I took of him, and he has a few more on there that I snapped as well : )

I was literally bustling with excitement all day in anticipation of his date, and I had some rough moments during the actual date time 7:00pm on, but I reminded myself of what I feel like when I'm on a date, and I realized that I mostly just hoped that things got physical because I know that's something he really wanted.

He called me after because things hadn't gone well. I offered to come over. I brought gluten free cookie dough ice cream because I thought we could share it together after sex (if he wanted a sensual massage or a little something special to help ease the tension he was feeling.)

When I showed up, his place looked completely different.
Everything was totally clean, like spotless. Wiped down, rearranged, like, really nice. The second i saw it tears came to my eyes. I just didn't know he was capable of that. When it came to cleaning I set the bar so low for him because I didn't know he was capable of more, but then I came over and saw a brand spanking new bar so high that I couldn't even look at it without getting altitude sickness.

I took a moment, informed him I was okay, just needed a second, went into the bathroom and cried a little. I couldn't believe he did this for her. We have had sex so many times at his place, and I feel like he never did such a thorough cleaning job before. Even when I have asked him to clean and dust in the past (and even helped him sometimes!), it always seemed lackluster and begrudgingly done.

What HURTS THE MOST is that when I came out of the bathroom and I wanted to ask him some questions about it, I feel like he brushed me off. Hearing, "well what about that one time I cleaned for you?" and "But I love you, not her" did NOT make me feel better because I wanted to know what he was thinking while he was cleaning. Maybe he was thinking that having sex with her represented something that he could do for himself, and he really cleaned the room because his goal of converting a good date into sexy time with a woman is very important to him. Maybe he has different standards for her because she seems more girly than I am, or a neater person than I am (which makes sense because my life has been a literal mess post divorce and abusive relationship about a year ago).

If he desires her so much sexually that he is willing to clean like a superhero, I want to hear that.

If he wasn't thinking about us, and wanted to convert the room into a gorgeous sanctuary just for her, I want to know.

When he says, "well you've been messy, so I didn't think it was a big deal," I feel like he doesn't think highly enough of me to just tell me the truth of how he was feeling.

Him having sex and sharing love with another person is exciting and sweet and essential to our relationship : ). But the thought of him thoroughly cleaning and rearranging his room for her to an extent that he never did for me crushes my soul. I've helped him clean because I didn't think he could do it/ dusting for me allergies didn't seem like a priority to him! Now, it's like he's telling me my worth is so low that I can be a maid to him, but another woman deserves so much better. I'm still crying while describing it.

Then, on top of it, him saying that my car or place has frequently been messy and telling me that "Well, I have to clean after I shave anyway," or "the only thing I moved was the piano" just makes me feel even less valued.

I often stay over at his place (4+ times per week), and when I had a sex date at another guy's place a few weeks ago, I cleaned things up in his room for him, and left him a card and a little present to remind him of how much I love him. Now, except for just cleaning up after myself, I'm not going to clean things at his place anymore because I know now that he's perfectly capable of getting things done well. It just sucks that it took the prospect of another woman's presence to find that out.

How do you guys believe I should I talk with him about this?
I get the feeling he just wants it to be over and done with.
I get the feeling that he just doesn't want to be blamed.
(I don't want to blame, just to understand how he really felt, and not be brushed off.)

When it comes down to it, I know it's not his job to manage my feelings of insecurity. (Which are warped because I'm fine with him being with someone else, but not fine with her magic ability to get him to be a better man than I can...)

I never thought something so small would get me to such a profound low in my self-esteem.
I'm only armed with a copy of Ethical Slut and the wisdom of the forum.
I need a plan to move forward, please help me!

~GreyMatterGirl

P.S.
This happened on his first date too; something came up for me (the fact that his date and I were VERRRY similar in some ways, and he kind of shut down and brushed it off. In fact, he said, "well I'm not going to cancel my date because you've already slept with people," even though I didn't even ask him to cancel - I JUST wanted to talk about it. It doesn't make me feel safe to know that he does this brushing off thing because it hurts to badly.

 

[WhatToDo]

When you go in for a job interview you dress nicer and present yourself in a higher light right? You present the best version of yourself. You don't do that once you get the job. It's just human nature.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. I agree with WhatToDo. Some of this is probably him trying to make a good impression on the new date.

You asked for feedback. You have other layers going on. Here's what else I see in case it helps you any:

SURPRISE ISSUE

You cannot plan for everything. Sometimes in poly you will trip on things you didn't realize you would trip on. It happens. Don't be too hard on either of you. Call it life lesson learned.​

CLEANING ISSUE

You set a low cleaning bar. That was your own doing. Could resolve to tell him you'd appreciate more effort in that area.​

TIMING ISSUE

WHEN you tell him things matters.

You picked a bad time for putting a new item on the meeting agenda.

His date went bad, and he wanted comforting. You were supposed to come over to help fill his bucket. Instead you became another drain on his energy bucket. Instead of receiving, now he has to put out energy he may not even have if he's low to start with to help lift you back up.

If I was the chairperson at this meeting I would tell you your thing has to wait til we get to "new business" on the meeting agenda because we are not done yet with "old business." He holds the floor still with his issue.
​

YOUR LISTENING ISSUE

He tried to comfort you some: He loves you, he didn't know cleaning was a trigger thing with you, etc.

You did not want to be comforted... You made up your mind there was a "secret truth." You wanted to find the evidence to support that.

he is telling you how he feels (that he loves You) and that's not good enough for you. (Because it isn't the secret truth you want to hear.)

So he stopped putting energy in. He's low, he's not doing it "right" so he just stops.​

TAKING IT PERSONALLY

You are personalizing this like he's giving you the brush off. I would guess he had a rough date, and he's got no more left to give out at this time.

Him not wanting to have this conversation at this time is not brushing you off. It's conserving energy.

If you two want to have the convo -- set a date to have it further out. Stop picking and picking at it right now. Set it 2 weeks out so both can replenish reserves.

This is important convo, but it is not urgent. I know you want to resolve this misunderstanding, but people need sleep/rest first or else the convo goes even wonkier because the people are worn out emotionally. It can keep a few days.​

How do you guys believe I should I talk with him about this?
I get the feeling he just wants it to be over and done with.
I get the feeling that he just doesn't want to be blamed.
(I don't want to blame, just to understand how he really felt, and not be brushed off.)

Well, you ARE blaming him for what YOU think. In a nutshell you think he thinks you stink somehow, and you are scanning his words now for the "evidence" and not actually listening to his loving words.

He is telling you how he feels.

But you have decided he's a liar who isn't telling you how he REALLY feels.

What if he IS telling you what he really feels and you keep insisting he isn't? Now he's going to be cranky that you don't take him at his Word.

Are you able to see how some of your behaviors contribute to the situation making?

If you like to help clean over there, clean. If you don't, stop. If he doesn't clean to the standard you need for your allergies, don't go over there till he figures it out or hires housekeeping help. Meet at your house in the meanwhile. Sort that out simply -- don't make that part of it bigger than it has to be. What happened? You got to enjoy a cleaner space than usual too. Isn't that a good thing?

But this stuff:

I've helped him clean because I didn't think he could do it

That's your error in thinking. You could stop selling him short.

Compliment him on the effort, tell him you enjoy it a lot too. ASK him if you can expect more of this from him in future because it is just so awesome.

Dusting for my allergies didn't seem like a priority to him!

Have you asked him if he will prioritize this in future going forward? If not, could do so.

It's better than grinding on the past. Don't keep it in the stuck -- move it forward!

Now, (I think) it's like he's telling me my worth is so low that I can be a maid to him, but another woman deserves so much better. I'm still crying while describing it.

HE hasn't said you are a maid or that you are of low worth. I read that he said he loves you.

I read YOU are the one thinking that he thinks you stink and are "less than" somehow. That's projection. In other words, you are putting your thoughts in his head. It's like putting your words in his mouth. Result? You upset yourself thinking he thinks you stink to the point where you make you cry.

Why do you do this behavior?

You seem to be laying your upset on his head, but to me it sounds like you are the one making that part of it.

• If he thinks you stink, when you know you are just fine as you are? You can dump him and stop dating him. You are not powerless here!
  
• If you are creating your own upset, you could stop. You are not powerless there either.

What do you want him to say to you so you can feel better? Because I don't think he can say anything to you if the source of you unhappy thoughts is... your unhappy thoughts. If your thoughts are making static on the channel even if he's trying to reassure you, and affirm his love for you? Then you just are closed off and not hearing him.

I hope you solve that part of it. What would YOU say to yourself to help you feel better? Maybe learning more about these help your listening improve?

http://www.theexecutiveadvisory.com/toolkit/poor_listenting_habits.html

I identified a few of those in your story.

This happened on his first date too; something came up for me (the fact that his date and I were VERRRY similar in some ways, and he kind of shut down and brushed it off. In fact, he said, "well I'm not going to cancel my date because you've already slept with people," even though I didn't even ask him to cancel - I JUST wanted to talk about it. It doesn't make me feel safe to know that he does this brushing off thing because it hurts to badly.

Know what? I am going to guess.

To me that sounds like he's used to you "ambushing" him with emotional conversation. He doesn't like that, so he wants to run away before it starts. He calms up to protect himself from incoming. You perceive this as brushing you off rather than him protecting himself.

YOU want to steam valve along the way so it doesn't GET to a super stressy place for you. You sound like you want "nip it in the bud" approach but to him that comes across as "bombs from the sky."

You also sound like you have some trouble sitting on things till later because you start self blaming and thinking wonky stuff that upsets you. Ruminating and whatnot.

I could be wrong -- it's just a vibe I am getting. If I guess right? Could a solution be you guys do your relationship management talks on Friday night at 8 PM? Then both know when it is.

• He can relax that you aren't going to "ambush" him with things other days of the week like bombs from the sky
  
• You can relax knowing he isn't "brushing you off" because he's going to be present at the meeting time, attentive, and all your concerns will be heard

1 hour max so it is not too long. And what doesn't get covered you table till next week and pick up from there.

Galagirl

 

[WhatHappened]

I was kind of stuck on the fact that he expects 'sexy times' from a woman on the first date. Was she aware he was expecting this from her?

 

[GreyMatterGirl]

Thank you Galagirl.
I really appreciate the way you break things down for me; there are some truly spot on insights here.

We talked and he was attentive and he really loves me and wants to work on things. I am hoping that I can begin to sift through my issues.

I am sorry you struggle. I agree with WhatToDo. Some of this is probably him trying to make a good impression on the new date.

You asked for feedback. You have other layers going on. Here's what else I see in case it helps you any:

SURPRISE ISSUE

You cannot plan for everything. Sometimes in poly you will trip on things you didn't realize you would trip on. It happens. Don't be too hard on either of you. Call it life lesson learned.​

CLEANING ISSUE

You set a low cleaning bar. That was your own doing. Could resolve to tell him you'd appreciate more effort in that area.​

TIMING ISSUE

WHEN you tell him things matters.

You picked a bad time for putting a new item on the meeting agenda.

His date went bad, and he wanted comforting. You were supposed to come over to help fill his bucket. Instead you became another drain on his energy bucket. Instead of receiving, now he has to put out energy he may not even have if he's low to start with to help lift you back up.

If I was the chairperson at this meeting I would tell you your thing has to wait til we get to "new business" on the meeting agenda because we are not done yet with "old business." He holds the floor still with his issue.
​

YOUR LISTENING ISSUE

He tried to comfort you some: He loves you, he didn't know cleaning was a trigger thing with you, etc.

You did not want to be comforted... You made up your mind there was a "secret truth." You wanted to find the evidence to support that.

he is telling you how he feels (that he loves You) and that's not good enough for you. (Because it isn't the secret truth you want to hear.)

So he stopped putting energy in. He's low, he's not doing it "right" so he just stops.​

TAKING IT PERSONALLY

You are personalizing this like he's giving you the brush off. I would guess he had a rough date, and he's got no more left to give out at this time.

Him not wanting to have this conversation at this time is not brushing you off. It's conserving energy.

If you two want to have the convo -- set a date to have it further out. Stop picking and picking at it right now. Set it 2 weeks out so both can replenish reserves.

This is important convo, but it is not urgent. I know you want to resolve this misunderstanding, but people need sleep/rest first or else the convo goes even wonkier because the people are worn out emotionally. It can keep a few days.​

Well, you ARE blaming him for what YOU think. In a nutshell you think he thinks you stink somehow, and you are scanning his words now for the "evidence" and not actually listening to his loving words.

He is telling you how he feels.

But you have decided he's a liar who isn't telling you how he REALLY feels.

What if he IS telling you what he really feels and you keep insisting he isn't? Now he's going to be cranky that you don't take him at his Word.

Are you able to see how some of your behaviors contribute to the situation making?

If you like to help clean over there, clean. If you don't, stop. If he doesn't clean to the standard you need for your allergies, don't go over there till he figures it out or hires housekeeping help. Meet at your house in the meanwhile. Sort that out simply -- don't make that part of it bigger than it has to be. What happened? You got to enjoy a cleaner space than usual too. Isn't that a good thing?

But this stuff:



That's your error in thinking. You could stop selling him short.

Compliment him on the effort, tell him you enjoy it a lot too. ASK him if you can expect more of this from him in future because it is just so awesome.



Have you asked him if he will prioritize this in future going forward? If not, could do so.

It's better than grinding on the past. Don't keep it in the stuck -- move it forward!



HE hasn't said you are a maid or that you are of low worth. I read that he said he loves you.

I read YOU are the one thinking that he thinks you stink and are "less than" somehow. That's projection. In other words, you are putting your thoughts in his head. It's like putting your words in his mouth. Result? You upset yourself thinking he thinks you stink to the point where you make you cry.

Why do you do this behavior?

You seem to be laying your upset on his head, but to me it sounds like you are the one making that part of it.

• If he thinks you stink, when you know you are just fine as you are? You can dump him and stop dating him. You are not powerless here!
  
• If you are creating your own upset, you could stop. You are not powerless there either.

What do you want him to say to you so you can feel better? Because I don't think he can say anything to you if the source of you unhappy thoughts is... your unhappy thoughts. If your thoughts are making static on the channel even if he's trying to reassure you, and affirm his love for you? Then you just are closed off and not hearing him.

I hope you solve that part of it. What would YOU say to yourself to help you feel better? Maybe learning more about these help your listening improve?

http://www.theexecutiveadvisory.com/toolkit/poor_listenting_habits.html

I identified a few of those in your story.



Know what? I am going to guess.

To me that sounds like he's used to you "ambushing" him with emotional conversation. He doesn't like that, so he wants to run away before it starts. He calms up to protect himself from incoming. You perceive this as brushing you off rather than him protecting himself.

YOU want to steam valve along the way so it doesn't GET to a super stressy place for you. You sound like you want "nip it in the bud" approach but to him that comes across as "bombs from the sky."

You also sound like you have some trouble sitting on things till later because you start self blaming and thinking wonky stuff that upsets you. Ruminating and whatnot.

I could be wrong -- it's just a vibe I am getting. If I guess right? Could a solution be you guys do your relationship management talks on Friday night at 8 PM? Then both know when it is.

• He can relax that you aren't going to "ambush" him with things other days of the week like bombs from the sky
  
• You can relax knowing he isn't "brushing you off" because he's going to be present at the meeting time, attentive, and all your concerns will be heard

1 hour max so it is not too long. And what doesn't get covered you table till next week and pick up from there.

Galagirl

 

[Lilyan]

But isn't it nice he feels comfortable being with you?
That's how I take it with Dom, he never gets dressed up for me and I don't expect him to. I know how he looks like when he's going out, he wears nice jeans and shoes. When he's with me, he wears his comfy clothes and working boots and I really like it. (I think he looks hot wearing them, but that's another thing...) Just easy and relaxed, that's what we both need
I do understand that you would like him to clean up for your allergies. But... If your own place is messy too sometimes...? Maybe he really didn't think it's that big deal.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad you guys were able to talk. Glad you are trying to sort out your stuff.

Hopefully you feel better soon.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[zigzag]

I sort of understand where you are coming from on this and it can hurt, when your partner does something special for a metamour. But is does happen its human nature and love/lust whether its the cleaning, special cooking, lingerie etc. It doesn't mean he values you less. My partner spends a lot of time getting the bed room ready for her lover with special bedding, candles, music etc She does not do this for me, but she does do 100s of other things for me. People do different things in different relationships. That's the good thing about them. So try and celebrate the good things.