How do I detach from a metamours problems?

[TrisTree]

So basically, my girlfriend started dating a new girl... This meant that the other metamour is having real big issues(crying, jealousy, denying there's issues, masking her insecurities, lying about needs and emotions). I tried so much over the last 2 weeks to help her, i even got my sex therapist involved and she has denied anything is an issue and wouldn't even admit she was having issues. Thusly if you can't accept you have an issue, you can't help yourself fix the issue...right?

I told my lover that i can't do it anymore and I won't be helping the metamour anymore, and i am detaching sympathy from the metamour because i can't handle the way she's behaving..but i just keep going back to her issues in my mind trying to figure out a way to fix her insecurities...

The metamour even told the sex therapist that her and our shared girlfriend were originally the monogamous couple , and how they are primary. Even though when i clarified it with my love that infact me and her had started dating first because that girlfriend was sleeping around with strangers while we were blissfully in love. And how there was no hierarchy, because we aren't hierarchical it's just they live together. I discussed with my love how hurt i felt questioning everything i thought I knew about the relationship and how the polyamory started. It just hurt she couldn't even tell my sex therapist the truth because she's so defensive and insecure. It felt like she wanted to claim to the sex therapist that they were monogamous first, as some weird stake to hierarchy.

It's no secret we don't get along perfectly, we aren't great friends but we are good friends most the time - except when her moods get in the way and her behaviours overwhelm me




How do I stop ruminating about her issue? I'm exhausted from trying to fix a problem she doesn't want to fix. And i know it's my problem that I'm making it my issue, but how do I stop trying to fix it? How can I stop thinking about the situation?

I don't want to be cold and irritable but that's all I feel towards that metamour now.

I am so excited our shared girlfriend has found another girl to love, I'm so happy to watch them fall in love, and i get along pretty well with the new girl... But this whole original metamour thing is really putting a dimmer on my compersion.

I also hope my happiness can make up for her grumpiness, in making the new girl feel welcomed and like we aren't a toxic as shit polycule??

 

[Marcus]

i know it's my problem that I'm making it my issue, but how do I stop trying to fix it? How can I stop thinking about the situation?

Do you know what got you in this problem solver mode? It might be helpful in how to get yourself out of it.

Not knowing the ins and outs of your world, the one thing that comes to my mind is to be brutally honest in recognizing and admitting that her issues (or lack thereof) are truly none of your business, and that you should never have gotten yourself involved. One way I would do this is to actually make amends to her

"Yunno, I have to apologize. I found myself trying to "fix" the issues I thought you had, and I really had no business doing that. I hope that I didn't inadvertently cause any issues between us. The fact that I insisted on doing that is all about me. So, sorry about that"​

Only say this sort of thing if you actually believe it though, it should not, under any circumstances, be said if there is some other agenda.

It's no secret we don't get along perfectly, we aren't great friends but we are good friends most the time - except when her moods get in the way and her behaviours overwhelm me

This one is a different issue, having someone in your life that can be difficult. Part of this might be to regulate the information coming in about Old Meta from indirect sources, including stuff shared by your partner. "Hang on, please don't share any of the drama associated with Old Meta. I know they are a big part of your life but they seriously stress me out and I don't want our conversations to pile on to that. Feel free to talk with me about them, just not the drama."

After that, it's just a matter of dealing with a person who is being difficult when they are right in front of you. Try overtly changing the subject when they are in the middle of being difficult, make it a drastic and obvious change "Have you watched any TV shows you enjoyed recently? I was watching old episodes of Community and man... Britta is quite a handful right??"

If being overt isn't your angle, just try standing up and walking to a different part of the room when they start their "behaviors". It's like turning your body away from a dog that keeps jumping on you. It all depends on how you want to address interpersonal issues in your life. Keep in mind that people will treat us the way we teach them to treat us, so take the decision seriously.

 

[GalaGirl]

I struggle with no names. I am going to guess with made up names. If there's something else you prefer, I'm happy to go with names you pick.

Is this what is happening?

There is you, TrisTree.

• There is Daisy, your GF.
• You and her started dating first.
• You maintain separate homes. (?)

Then Daisy started dating Rose, your meta.

• Who eventually moved in with Daisy. So even though she arrived 2nd, Rose is Daisy's nesting partner.
• You and Rose don't get along perfectly.
• Not great friends but good friends most the time - except when her moods get in the way and her behaviours overwhelm you.

Now Daisy started dating Petunia, a new lady, who lives elsewhere.

• You are fine with it.
• Rose is not ok with it.
• Rose having some kind of mental health break down.

You decided to fix Rose's things because.... why?

• Rose asked you to?
• Daisy asked you to?
• You asked you to?
• At this point? You got Rose to your sex therapist and now want to leave it up to therapist to sort out. (Is that true?)

You are super tired. You want to disengage, rest, and do less work.

Is that about it? I'm trying to understand what's going on first. But in general? If you want to do less? Go ahead and do less. If anyone tries to get you to do anything about Rose's issues? Say "No, thanks."

Depending on who is the one asking you to do stuff, that "no, thanks" might look like...

ROSE: "I'm sorry you are struggling. This goes over my head. I don't know what to say. I suggest you talk to therapist. It cannot be me."

DAISY: "I'm sorry you are struggling. Please don't tell me detail things about (you and Rose problems). I don't date her. This also goes over my head. I don't know what to say. I suggest you talk to therapist. It cannot be me."

PETUNIA: "Hi, nice to meet you." It is on you to be basic polite to new potentials like you would a bank teller or grocery clerk. It is not your job to "sell" the polycule to them or "make up" for Rose behaviors. Petunia can figure out for themselves if they want to be here dating Daisy or not without you doing any of that.

YOU: No. I don't have to do any more Rose stuff. I've done what I can in pointing Rose to a professional. I can check out now.

YOU: Is this polycule going though a rough patch? Or is it really a "toxic as shit polycule?" If actually toxic? No. I don't want to be in that. What do I need to get out?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello TrisTree,

From your description, it sounds like your (shared) girlfriend lives with her girlfriend (your metamour), while you do not live with your girlfriend? Am I correct in thinking that?

You are asking how you can stop thinking about your metamour's issues/problems, and the only thing I can think of that might help, is to put some distance between you and your metamour. Don't go over to your girlfriend's place, have her come over to your place instead. Ask her to not talk to you about her girlfriend. You do not have to do this maliciously, you would only be doing it so as to manage your own mental/emotional well-being.

GalaGirl and Marcus also gave good suggestions.
Hang in there,
Kevin T.