How do i do this

[Danielson]

So in the beginning when I first met my current partner they were going thru a divorce from an abusive man. When he was finally out of the picture, for the most part, I decided to pursue this person, because we had a lot of common interests and got along really well together. I asked them out on several occasions and was always told I'd have to wait, which was fair, given all they had just been through. I didn't want to be that guy that pushes too much.

We still had dates, and even started a sexual relationship, but there was still no commitment, at least verbally.

Fast forward a few months later, and I continue to see this person as my significant other. She tells me she wants me to meet her friend (also male) and that he's in a poly relationship with 2 other girls. I'm not thinking anything about it at first, but then she tells me that he wants to take her on a date too. I didn't mind. I'm pretty open and don't want to be controlling, and up until this point, she never said that we were officially a couple, so I felt I didn't even have the right to say that I wasn't uncomfortable with it.

Next thing I know, she's calling both of us her boyfriends. Now, my understanding is that usually in these kinda relationships you don't start dating 2 ppl at the exact same time. It's usually one comes before the other, and it's integrated later on, once you've already developed one relationship. I could very well be wrong, but that's how I see it.

I would also like to point out that yes this is my first poly kinda thing. I have a hard enough time getting one person to like me, let alone 2 or more. I've discussed this with her too, and that I'm not totally comfortable with this new person all of a sudden getting the title and companionship, when I was patient and waited for her comfortability to even participate in another relationship after her ex-husband.

I guess what I would like to know or have some advice on is how do I express my feeling without losing this person. I love them so much that I'm willing to try to make it all work, but I feel I was thrown to the wolves, and now that I'm tore up idk if I can do anything to help make it work. Thanks for any respones.

 

[Magdlyn]

So in the beginning...

Hi and welcome to the forum. As you're new to polyamory, please check out our Golden Nuggets section, where you will find a list of many resources explaining how best to get started with polyamory. It's a big subject and there's lots to learn. Once you have some tools, things will be much easier to navigate.

when I first met my current partner they were going thru a divorce from an abusive man.

That can take a long time to get over. And sometimes the trauma affects our ability to cope (with relationships and life in general) and trust new partners. Sometimes patterns repeat, unless therapy has been sought and work has been done.

When he was finally out of the picture, for the most part, I decided to pursue this person, because we had a lot of common interests and got along really well together. I asked them out on several occasions and was always told I'd have to wait, which was fair, given all they had just been through. I didn't want to be that guy that pushes too much.

We still had dates, and even started a sexual relationship, but there was still no commitment, at least verbally.

So you kept pursuing until she said yes. How long did that all take?

You've been actually dating for a few months now?

Sometimes people don't want to commit with someone new right away after a long and/or abusive relationship, and a difficult breakup. They are going to be very cautious, and that's a good thing.

Fast forward a few months later, and I continue to see this person as my significant other. She tells me she wants me to meet her friend (also male) and that he's in a poly relationship with 2 other girls. I'm not thinking anything about it at first, but then she tells me that he wants to take her on a date too. I didn't mind. I'm pretty open and don't want to be controlling, and up until this point, she never said that we were officially a couple, so I felt I didn't even have the right to say that I wasn't uncomfortable with it.

Actually, you can be in one highly-committed relationship when you are polyamorous, and still take on another relationship. Each relationship will find its own level, so to speak. Maybe new guy is pretty busy now with 3 gfs and won't need as much attention from her as an otherwise single guy (like you) would.

Either way, your girlfriend has been through a lot, so take it easy.

Next thing I know, she's calling both of us her boyfriends. Now, my understanding is that usually in these kinda relationships you don't start dating 2 ppl at the exact same time. It's usually one comes before the other, and it's integrated later on, once you've already developed one relationship. I could very well be wrong, but that's how I see it.

That's not true. Actually, when I first met my gf I was also going on dating sites and meeting others. Once in a while, I would meet someone compatible, with potential, who excited and pleased me, and we'd start a relationship. I am not sure how long you thought she "should" date you exclusively before being open to others. If she's polyamorous and/or polysexual, it's okay to always be open to others.

I would also like to point out that yes this is my first poly kinda thing. I have a hard enough time getting one person to like me, let alone 2 or more. I've discussed this with her too, and that I'm not totally comfortable with this new person all of a sudden getting the title and companionship, when I was patient and waited for her comfortability to even participate in another relationship after her ex-husband.

Your feelings are valid. It's good to share them. It's not good to pressure her to commit to you more, or to make you her "primary" and make the other guy her "secondary," or whatever it is you want. She also can want what she wants, especially since she was abused prior. She needs to be firm with her boundaries now.

I guess what I would like to know or have some advice on is, how do I express my feeling without losing this person? I love them so much that I'm willing to try to make it all work, but I feel I was thrown to the wolves, and now that I'm tore up idk if I can do anything to help make it work. Thanks for any responses.

I'd say "thrown to the wolves" is a bit extreme. She's poly, she's dating two men. That's it, really. If you love her very much I'd recommend you continue to be patient and respectful, now and forever! Treasure your time with her, enjoy your dates, treat her well, and if she also falls in love with you, great! If she's not right for you (now, yet or ever), well, that will also become clearer. It's not easy being the mono partner of a poly person. We have valuable archived threads on those struggles in Golden Nuggets.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Danielson,

I can't tell whether you are still fully willing to try to make it work, now that you have been thrown to the wolves. It doesn't sound like poly is right for you? There is such a thing as a mono/poly relationship, so you could be mono while she's poly, but I'm not sure you're okay with either of you being poly. What you have to figure out is whether you can be satisfied in a relationship where she is poly, or indeed, whether she can be satisfied in a relationship where she is mono. If the answer is no in both cases, the two of you may have to split up. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I can't tell whether you are still fully willing to try to make it work, now that you have been thrown to the wolves.

So you agree the OP has been "thrown to the wolves"? In what sense? I see he's been dating a poly woman for a few months, and now she's also dating another guy. Is that how you define thrown to the wolves?