How do I even start to explain??

GalaGirl said:
I mean skipped for now. Come back to it much later when it is NOT fresh in the mind. Otherwise there's a risk of ruminating on it too much and spinning one's wheels, fueling one's upset.

That's the order I would do it in. Focus more on ME and articulating my boundaries/values first. Then cool off a lot more and write an unsent letter to process the Mom stuff at THAT point in time.

Galagirl
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Oh, okay. sounds wise. Thinking back... I did things the other way round and stayed very upset for a long time. :eek:
 
Nadya said:
Oh, okay. sounds wise. Thinking back... I did things the other way round and stayed very upset for a long time. :eek:
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Right now...I just feel like reaffirming who I am to myself. I feel really peaceful with the changes going on in my life, even if others see them as a negative. All I really want to do is to show them that being ME makes me happier. Which in turn will make the people around me happier.

The thing with poly is that it's SO 'different' and 'out there' and basically misunderstood. It's going to be a challenge.
 
Hi Journey, just checking in. How are things?

I think you are making the right decisions, and I'm pulling for you. I remember when I left the Mormon church, it wasn't easy. My dad especially gave me an awful time about it. And then, a few years later when I asked my wife for her blessing on a polyamorous relationship. Scary.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Journey, just checking in. How are things?

I think you are making the right decisions, and I'm pulling for you. I remember when I left the Mormon church, it wasn't easy. My dad especially gave me an awful time about it. And then, a few years later when I asked my wife for her blessing on a polyamorous relationship. Scary.
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Thanks for asking Kdt. I am feeling fully secure in my decision to leave the church. I went to a birthday party for one of my church friends at the weekend and it was good fun. Lots of people came to give me hugs and tell me they missed me. I told them I missed them too but that was it. One of the guys asked why I haven't been at church for a while and I said I don't come anymore. He asked why and I gave a very brief overview haha. He then proceeded to tell me his life story and why he became a Christian etc and I just nodded politely. So overall it was fine. It does feel a bit like my husband and family think eventually I'll come to my senses and come back. But...I kinda feel like I have evolved beyond all of that. I'm not an atheist, I believe in 'God' but not in the same way that they do.

So yes my next big issue is announcing my polyamorous nature to my very clearly mono husband. My problem with this is that he seems to be very close minded. I try to talk to him about the spiritual stuff but he is very set in what he thinks is 'it' and so any other opinion is just ridiculous and shut down immediately. So I've been trying to explain to him that whilst I'm pleased that he knows himself well enough to know what he believes, it would also be great if he could try and see things from my perspective. Hopefully this will soften him and pave the way for a better convo about poly.

But...to be honest I'm bracing myself for the worst in that he may decide to leave me. :(
 
It's possible he may not be compatible with your desired relationship model ... in which case it would be better for both of you to break up. But I'm sure it doesn't feel better. :(
 
This may not be what you want to hear but consider waiting to begin the conversation about poly. Look, I totally understand the internal pressure to tell one's truth. I get the drive to live authentically. This is something you need to do and should do.

But if you start the poly conversation now, so close to leaving the church that has defined your lives, he may be unable to see it except as anything but why you left the church. I realize this may happen anyway and he may not be able to hear it no matter how long you wait. I hope this is not true. But maybe if he has some time to adjust and start seeing the 'not-church' version of you, if he has time to start realizing and accepting the 'new' you, that could help both of you in the long run. Accepting the new, more authentic you is the underlying 'project' here and poly is really a part of that.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
Thanks for asking Kdt. I am feeling fully secure in my decision to leave the church.

But...I kinda feel like I have evolved beyond all of that. I'm not an atheist, I believe in 'God' but not in the same way that they do.

I try to talk to him about the spiritual stuff but he is very set in what he thinks is 'it' and so any other opinion is just ridiculous and shut down immediately.

So I've been trying to explain to him that whilst I'm pleased that he knows himself well enough to know what he believes, it would also be great if he could try and see things from my perspective. :(
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Like and..

Like and..
a
Like !

Ive been through EXACTLY the same!! Its like my own story again, ;)
 
opalescent said:
This may not be what you want to hear but consider waiting to begin the conversation about poly. Look, I totally understand the internal pressure to tell one's truth. I get the drive to live authentically. This is something you need to do and should do.

But if you start the poly conversation now, so close to leaving the church that has defined your lives, he may be unable to see it except as anything but why you left the church. I realize this may happen anyway and he may not be able to hear it no matter how long you wait. I hope this is not true. But maybe if he has some time to adjust and start seeing the 'not-church' version of you, if he has time to start realizing and accepting the 'new' you, that could help both of you in the long run. Accepting the new, more authentic you is the underlying 'project' here and poly is really a part of that.
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Yes I understand your point of view. I've been wondering on the timing of it all. I've written a draft of the letter (I will struggle to articulate myself otherwise...) and I wonder if it's too soon since leaving church. I get the impression they're all waiting for me to come to my senses and come back. But then I think, your husband is supposed to be the person you are most open with. Hiding this from him for whatever length of time just seems like it's proving a point. In a way.

I've had several dreams recently where I've told him I'm poly and he's been fine with it.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
But then I think, your husband is supposed to be the person you are most open with. Hiding this from him for whatever length of time just seems like it's proving a point. In a way.

I've had several dreams recently where I've told him I'm poly and he's been fine with it.
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Like, again :)
 
You could start a blog even on this forum, if you like. Otherwise, this thread is good, and I do read each and every post here :) Your journey is interesting and inspiring.
 
Thank you everyone. I'll stick to this thread right now and when I am out of the poly-closet I'll start a blog on here then.

Had my first real discussion with my husband about the leaving church stuff. He has avoided it so far. He seems to think I've only left because of feeling disappointment (in various situations) and that I'll be back. He also thinks I'm influenced by others too much and that I've been talking to the wrong people. Wonderful. So it's quite hurtful to know that he thinks I don't have a mind of my own. I told him so too.

he wants to go see a marriage counsellor which I understand. I said I didn't want to see a Christian one as I didn't want to feel like it was two against one. He said he wants to be careful who we see as he's heard of one who...(and he said "you'll laugh at this")... believes in '3-way-marriage'. I was kinda like.......uuuummmmmmmmmm.......I think I said something about monogamy only being one way to do things and the church and bible has played a big part in societies viewpoint on relationships. He said "well we're going off topic now..." But he doesn't even know how on topic he is. Esssshk. I love him very much and don't want to lose him. But if me leaving church is too 'out there' for him.........
 
You know, i learned a while ago that, sometimes when you tell somebody something, they ne3d time yo digest it, and maybe then they come round to your way of thinking, or at least they may take time to see your viewpoint or where you are at with something.

So youve planted a few seeds in his mind, and now maybe with time he can get where you are coming from.

Of course counselling is a good idea, it will help you to maintain your new stance, and the counsellor will help to keep the communication open.

It is refr3shing to read that your main wah forward is to think for yourself. Thinking for yourself, in my experience, is the biggest enemy of any church, - it is the last thing they want you to do, but i am hopeful from what i have read so far,that you are going to stick to it.

Lets hope that later on we can find out who that 3 way counsellor is!
 
bassman said:
You know, i learned a while ago that, sometimes when you tell somebody something, they ne3d time yo digest it, and maybe then they come round to your way of thinking, or at least they may take time to see your viewpoint or where you are at with something.

So youve planted a few seeds in his mind, and now maybe with time he can get where you are coming from.

Of course counselling is a good idea, it will help you to maintain your new stance, and the counsellor will help to keep the communication open.

It is refr3shing to read that your main wah forward is to think for yourself. Thinking for yourself, in my experience, is the biggest enemy of any church, - it is the last thing they want you to do, but i am hopeful from what i have read so far,that you are going to stick to it.

Lets hope that later on we can find out who that 3 way counsellor is!
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He is acting like we didn't even have this conversation. I guess I'll start looking for a counsellor. I'm leaning towards getting out of this poly closet sooner rather than later just to get this all out the way. I don't want to go through counselling and then be like "oh by the way...there's this oooother thiiiiing..." and then have to go through it all again.
 
I just asked him how he can act normal after the discussion we had yesterday about counselling and divorce and he said "I love you, and that surpasses anything". So there is hope for us yet.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
I just asked him how he can act normal after the discussion we had yesterday about counselling and divorce and he said "I love you, and that surpasses anything". So there is hope for us yet.
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Oh that iiiis encouraging then !

Yes Counselling and yes to then opening up about poly!
 
Be careful. To most men, a wife claiming she is poly is no different than a wife proclaiming she wants a divorce. Seeing other people=end of marriage in most peoples eyes.
 
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