How do I get started?

Moody

New member
Hi,

So I like being honest to people when I can, but sometimes I don't know when to stop... and start. I guess I should start with myself and end with a special girl in my life.

I am 29 year old straight male (turning 30 in less than a month). I am an immigrant from Bangladesh but I have been living in Canada for over 20 years now. However I have never been in a any kind of romantic relationship in my life. Not that I never wanted it, woman have always fascinated me, and as far back as I remember, I wanted to be in a relationship. But I think there were some crippling childhood and upbringing scenarios that have made it hard for me to approach women. It was a long time before I even got a female friend but strangely enough, all my female friends are my best friend and I think they do have a special connection with me too. Which is one of the best feelings but also one of the worst.

However, the lack of a relationship has been chipping away at my self-esteem, and year by year I felt like I was just crawling deeper and deeper into a pit. But then I met a girl last year. Guys and gals, if you met her you would likely fall in love. There has never been anyone in my life that I connected so easily and quickly. At this time, I have never heard of the term polyamory. We never explored our relationship sexually so I was always confused by how close we get but I respected her and thought she just needed time. Very recently I was told that, she is in what is essentially a polyamorous relationship, though she didn't use that term. She was very close to bringing me in the loop but because I was new to relationships and "sweet", she was afraid to hurt my feelings. This was a big blow to me. After so many years I finally thought I had met someone. Despite how much it hurt, we are still friends. And I did take away from it the idea of a polyamorous relationships. It's idea that I am in love with, but I am not sure if it's something that would be compatable with me. There is a lot of conflicting ideas in my head right now, but I just want to be happy. It has been so long.

Can you guys help? What should I do? How do I find and join a group? How do I know if this is right for me?
 
Hi Moody,

Joining a local poly group would certainly be one way you could find out if poly is right for you. Here are some links you can use to look:

You can also google "Guelph polyamory," or "Ontario polyamory," see what turns up.

In the meantime, you're already a member here on this forum, so take advantage of that and explore the various threads and boards. That's another way you can find out if poly is right for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the reply Kevin. I am still browsing around but I think I have a better understanding how to get started. Going to a meet and greet this Sunday that is hosted by open Toronto and then to a speed dating day the following weekend. Very nervous but excited. I also asked for a coach from open Toronto.
 
Can you guys help? What should I do? How do I find and join a group? How do I know if this is right for me?

You could certainly learn about polyamory. It costs nothing to read but your time:


Attend gatherings, meet people. I think it is great that you are going to the open meet and speed dating to start exploring. Good for you! :)

Just be careful you don't get into poly just to be with this one woman. (Finding out what you like and who you are) is different than (you bending into pretzel shapes just to be with her.) YKWIM?

If you haven't solved these things and laid them to rest

I think there were some crippling childhood and upbringing scenarios that have made it hard for me to approach women

so you can move on to 1:1 relationships? I don't see how ignoring them will be a boon in 1:1:1 models. Or larger poly networks. Poly has a way of magnifying all the cracks. Spend some of your time on cleaning up that past stuff. Not only on exploring.

I suggest you skip dating this woman at this time, thank her for her interest. Take it as a compliment.

Then work on laying the past issues to rest so you are no longer burdened.

And read about various relationship models to decide what models you think YOU would enjoy best. Whether they are open models or monogamous or serial monogamy or something else. Attend things and explore various dating worlds to see what they are like.

Find the compatible people who want the same things you do. THEN ask those people out and go about creating the dating model you all most enjoy together.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for the links galagirl, I'm already finding it super helpful. Especially the various types.

And as far pretzeling myself to be with this woman, I think I can't help myself. She is the first one to make me feel good about myself and the chemistry I feel with her is unrivalled. I don't if being with her is causing me to consider polyamory but I definitely don't want to lose her yet.

What's crippling to me is more my lack of experience with woman as romantic interests in general. It has hammered down my self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence... pretty much everything. That is my major hurdle right now... any my skin colour which is sadly still a factor these days. I really don't know if poly is right for me, it sounds good on paper and in a way it's how I would like to treat everyone. But I think I need the primary type relationship. Someone I can connect solely on a personal level and move on from there.

Is it better to find someone who hasn't considered poly and open her up to the idea or to just find someone that is into poly?
 
It's good to find someone who has heard of poly and thought about it. Whether it's better if they've decided that poly is for them, depends on whether you've decided that poly is for you.

Hopefully that makes sense ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yeah, that does. I guess beyond my own feeling about poly, the next step is to find someone that I can connect with. Hopefully the meet and greet and speed dating is a step towards at least finding out.
 
Sounds promising, I hope it'll work out. Keep us posted.
 
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