How do I stop feeling like a spare wheel.

[Serenity123]

Hey guys,

I’ve been in a triad since late last year and all was going well, it still is but I do feel a bit of a spare wheel at times and I’m not sure how to stop that feeling.

I’ve been going through a few things in my personal life and they keep telling me I can talk to them but I really don’t think I can. Il send them a text in the morning and most the time I get a reply over 12 hours later, and they say ‘oh we’ve just been busy’ I get they have their own lives away from me but it’s really making me wonder if this is going to work in the long run, I don’t expect a message constantly but it seems like I’m an after thought these days. I tried bringing it up to them and all I get back is ‘it’s not like that, and we love you’ I’m not sure if I’m just over thinking it or not.

They seem to ring me when they’ve been drinking saying they love me but I’m massively doubting it, which is making me doubt the relationship and I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m meant to be spending a weekend again with them soon and I’m starting to wonder if I should just cancel 😞

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think they don't have the resources to be that type of person for you. That's okay when you have that in other people and/or don't need that from then. It could be a mismatch in needs and availability to meet each other's needs. I have had partners who weren't my go-to person for that type of emotional support.

 

[Serenity123]

I think they don't have the resources to be that type of person for you. That's okay when you have that in other people and/or don't need that from then. It could be a mismatch in needs and availability to meet each other's needs. I have had partners who weren't my go-to person for that type of emotional support.

Yeah, it just gets to me as they constantly contact each other when they ain’t together and I had more communication when me and S were just friends. Just something that has been getting to me lately. When me and G are together; we still call S so she doesn’t feel left out, but when they are together it’s literally like I don’t exist. I guess I’m starting to question if this is actually going to work out x

I don’t have that type of support from anyone where as they have each other. I’m not going to send an emotional message for it to be read and disregarded for 12 hours, I explained this and all I get back is ‘it’s not like that’

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, it's early days yet. None of you have attempted polyamory, much less a triad, before. As we covered in your first thread, a triad is the hardest way to do polyamory. You have 3 V's stacked up.

You have a busy stressful life homeschooling your kids, separated from their dad, and also working part time. They are also busy with their lives 3 hours away from you, with kids and (probably) jobs of their own. Long distance relationships are hard. Triads are HARD. It's no wonder you are struggling.

You just spend a week with them earlier this month, away from your kids, and from what you said, it went great. You also said you all talk on the phone a lot. Maybe they felt they gave you a lot of their time just last week and need to get caught up on other life things.

I'd recommend you try and reach out to other people as well about your daily life stresses. You could also ask S for a biweekly phone call, or something like that. Texting is not always great for highly emotionally charged issues.

 

[Serenity123]

Well, it's early days yet. None of you have attempted polyamory, much less a triad, before. As we covered in your first thread, a triad is the hardest way to do polyamory. You have 3 V's stacked up.

You have a busy stressful life homeschooling your kids, separated from their dad, and also working part time. They are also busy with their lives 3 hours away from you, with kids and (probably) jobs of their own. Long distance relationships are hard. Triads are HARD. It's no wonder you are struggling.

You just spend a week with them earlier this month, away from your kids, and from what you said, it went great. You also said you all talk on the phone a lot. Maybe they felt they gave you a lot of their time just last week and need to get caught up on other life things.

I'd recommend you try and reach out to other people as well about your daily life stresses. You could also ask S for a biweekly phone call, or something like that. Texting is not always great for highly emotionally charged issues.

Thanks, you’re right. Yeah the week we spent together was lovely. I guess I need to give it time instead of panicking. X

 

[Magdlyn]

Again, if you don't have *any* support for your emotional issues, other than Grant and Sarah, I highly recommend you work to be less dependent on them. I know you're homeschooling and might feel isolated. Do you take the kids out much? Go to parks, libraries for media or events, museums, homeschool group events? When I was homeschooling I found other moms and dads in my community who were also homeschooling to do playdates for the kids. We also did girl scouts for a while, we were in an intergenerational choir, we joined a UU church, we met weekly for a "gym and swim" with other families, we did picnics, went camping, etc., etc.

At any of these places you might meet other parents with whom you might strike up some good close friendships.

 

[Serenity123]

We do get out and do things but my son doesn’t cope being around many people, my daughter is a gymnast and dancer so we take her to many classes, I try to talk to other mums but most of them just say hello and that’s it so I tend to just be by myself whilst I wait for her. I do need to distance myself slightly, neither G or S work. I guess I just feel a little insecure with them at the moment, hopefully that will improve

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Serenity,

Time is the best remedy for feeling like a spare wheel. You need to see and experience that your two partners treat you just as well, and with just as much respect, as they treat each other. That's not something that's established overnight.

As the saying goes, "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." This is not to say that the three stages each last exactly a year, but that aside, you seem to be entering the "storming" part of the relationship. If you can survive this part, things should begin to improve.

It does concern me that it takes them twelve hours to respond to your texts. You need to sit down with them and explain that you expect a response sooner, two or three hours would be plenty.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Serenity123]

Hi Serenity,

Time is the best remedy for feeling like a spare wheel. You need to see and experience that your two partners treat you just as well, and with just as much respect, as they treat each other. That's not something that's established overnight.

As the saying goes, "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." This is not to say that the three stages each last exactly a year, but that aside, you seem to be entering the "storming" part of the relationship. If you can survive this part, things should begin to improve.

It does concern me that it takes them twelve hours to respond to your texts. You need to sit down with them and explain that you expect a response sooner, two or three hours would be plenty.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
Regards,
Kevin T.

That’s the bit that gets to me, I get that they are busy, I am too but the make time to call each other when they are apart yet I get nothing, I messaged G this morning and I still haven’t heard back despite it was sent at around 7am (it’s now 9:45pm) I just feel like I’m putting more into this and not getting much back, but I wasn’t sure if I was overthinking it. As I said, I don’t expect constant messages but surely one or two a day isn’t asking for much? Xx

 

[kdt26417]

No I agree, they should definitely message you once or twice a day. I'm assuming that they're not being inconsiderate on purpose, but they do seem to be treating themselves like the primary couple (with primary privileges), and you are the afterthought. You could explain to them (even if you've already explained it) how they're being unfair, and if they don't improve their behavior within a certain time frame (a year?), you will break up with them when that time is up. I hope it doesn't come to that, of course.

 

[Serenity123]

No, I don’t think they are doing it on purpose. S said that we are equals and I’m not just a girlfriend but that’s how I am beginning to feel, some days I don’t even feel like a girlfriend, i do understand that they will put slight more into each other but I’m feeling left out…and I’m not sure this is what I had in mind when he asked me to join their relationship, it’s like I’m on the outside looking in. I’m beginning to question if it’s worth doing this especially as we can never go back to being friends again. I just want to feel like I’m important and included and when we’re together I do feel better but surely when we’re apart that feeling should continue? It just doesn’t.

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, they are not handling the long-distance factor of the relationship well. And I can't tell how much of it is because they are married to each other. Like maybe they're used to putting each other first; they've never had a third person in their lives and they are handling it clumsily. If I were you I would tell them that you are giving them a year to get their act together. That way they have every opportunity to prove to you that you are as important to them as they say you are.

 

[Serenity123]

Yeah I think I’m going to speak to them and see what happens. I know one thing, I can’t put up with it though, I wasn’t a priority in my 15 year marriage so I’m not going to go through that again.

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, sometimes you just need to put your foot down. In such a way as to serve as a wake-up call to them. I don't think they realize how hard they're making this for you.

 

[Magdlyn]

S said that we are equals and I’m not just a girlfriend, but that’s how I am beginning to feel. Some days I don’t even feel like a girlfriend.

Of course you're just a girlfriend. Did you think you were their wife? You're still married to your husband, so you can't get married to either one of them.

What would it take to make you feel like a gf? Frequent texts all day long? Anything else?

I do understand that they will put slightly more into each other.

Maybe more than "slightly."

I’m feeling left out…and I’m not sure this is what I had in mind when he asked me to join their relationship. It’s like I’m on the outside looking in.

That's the thing. You didn't "join their relationship." You aren't married to them. You became lovers with S; you became lovers with G. You can't be equal, because you're not a nesting partner of either of them. You don't understand polyamory yet. It's a learning curve. Did you text daily with S when you were friends for 10 years?

Believe it or not, some people do not like to text all day every day. That might seem strange to most younger people today, who live and breathe that constant chatter on the phone. Some people do not want that instant gratification, and like to have some peace in their lives. Maybe S, or G, or both of them, just don't like to text much.

What happened to your frequent phone calls? Maybe you could just do a couple of phone calls a week instead of expecting texts all throughout the day.

If this is the only incompatibility you have with them, is it really bad enough to lose your bf, lose your gf, and lose their 10 years of friendship?

I am not sure if this is the real issue, the texting, or just having difficulty trying to date a married couple. and wanting to feel like you're exactly equal, when you live 3 hours away from them. Yes, they have each other, while you feel lonely. Maybe you could find a local partner too! Have you considered that?

I’m beginning to question if it’s worth doing this especially as we can never go back to being friends again. I just want to feel like I’m important and included. When we’re together, I do feel better, but surely when we’re apart that feeling should continue? It just doesn’t.

You're not "included in their relationship" because, well, you're not! You have separate relationships with each. Why don't you just talk with them in person when you're with them about ways to keep in touch between dates, and see if a compromise can be reached?

 

[Serenity123]

I know I’m not married to either of them.

No I don’t expect phone calls or texts all day everyday, I just wanted a bit of effort when we are not together because that’s how our relationships will grow, yes up until recently we were chatting on the phone often, but since I had the week with them the calls seem to have diminished, me and S would message pretty much everyday yes.

I guess I am a little isolated, and that changes my perception on things and that’s something Il work on, im going to try and start going to coffee mornings to meet new friends.

All I was asking was for my messages to actually be acknowledged, rather then ignored all day or on some occasions blanked completely, I’ve told them now how I am feeling and I hope this will help us communicate more. I guess that’s why I was feeling like I was a 3rd wheel, im hoping that by telling them how I was feeling it will help us get on some even ground. Sadly I am an emotional person so I do take things to heart a lot (another thing I need to change)

 

[Etherealbeing]

There is nothing sad or bad about being an emotional person. You are perfect just as you are. Self-respect and self-compassion can heal a lot. We can only be who we are. Not a tougher, easier version of ourselves to better suit other peoples needs and desires. Being authentic and outspoken about what you need and who you are is a gift, for yourself and others.

It sounds to me that you might benefit from doing a deep dive into your needs in these relationships. You have every right to want, to ask for and to accept nothing less than a partner who is commited to you in a way that makes you feel safe and cared for, if that is what you need. Know that! <3

Now, it does sound like S and G are in a primary relationships with each other. The feelings you are having in this situation are completely understandable, and maybe reflecting some unmet needs you may have. People suggested you look for support elsewhere, but I know from my own experience that trying to compensate a lack of safety or caring from one partner by turning to another just does not do it for me. I need to feel safe, seen and cared for by all of my partners, in a way that feels natural in that particular relationship. It's good to have friends and hobbies and support from other people, crucial even. But I wouldn't sacrifice my relationship needs just because the other person/persons is/are not ready for this kind of commitment. I would talk openly about my feelings and needs. Ask and hear about their needs and feelings about the situation. Maybe take time for introspection and truly get to the bottom of these needs. Then come to a conclusion over a period of time of whether we can find a way to be in this situation and feel safe, seen and cared for. If not, I would walk away. We could stay friends. And if they truly care about me they would probably understand I have to take a step back if I am not feeling good here.

Dating a couple is not easy! I have been dating a married couple, or one of them, and with the other we have a growing friendship. It is not a triad in the full sense of the word, but I do spend time together with both alone and together. We also share family and future plans, so even though my realtionship with her is not romantic, it does feel like a triad more than a V. Affortunately! I feel this way our communication works way better. They don't like to think of themselves as being primary, and indeed are not. But after a long monogamous partnership there are many walls to be torn and remodeling going on in their relationship. At first I felt a bit guilty for bringing up issues. Issues that had to do with them having an established relationship, kids and all the structure that goes with it. Issues over feeling like a spare wheel as you said. Issues over not knowing whether there was going to be enough space in that structre for me to feel like I can bring in all of myself, instead of bringing in just a piece of me. That was a big question to be cleared for us: Does he/they want me whole, or just a piece? Do I want to be in a relationship as all of who I am or will it be enough for me just to interact a little bit? It is important to talk this through! So you can adjust your expectations or be able to decide whether or not you will be wanting to invest you time and energy into this relationship.

Over the last year I have learned that this kind of relationship takes a huge amount of work from all of us. I need to keep being open and vulnerable about my needs and feelings, as do they. Also digging deeper into who I am and what I want. Recognizing and holding boundaries, while being curious and compassionate towards them. But never sacrificing. <3 They are working on opening their relationship in a way that doesn't put any third person walking into it into a tiny, tight, clustered place where they barely fit. And that is a choice they made - to do the work. We are doing this together. Sometimes it's hard and I couldn't do it by myself. A relationships needs all the people involved to be interested about the needs and feelings of the others, otherwise there will be hurt. This is my experience.

 

[Serenity123]

There is nothing sad or bad about being an emotional person. You are perfect just as you are. Self-respect and self-compassion can heal a lot. We can only be who we are. Not a tougher, easier version of ourselves to better suit other peoples needs and desires. Being authentic and outspoken about what you need and who you are is a gift, for yourself and others.

It sounds to me that you might benefit from doing a deep dive into your needs in these relationships. You have every right to want, to ask for and to accept nothing less than a partner who is commited to you in a way that makes you feel safe and cared for, if that is what you need. Know that! <3

Now, it does sound like S and G are in a primary relationships with each other. The feelings you are having in this situation are completely understandable, and maybe reflecting some unmet needs you may have. People suggested you look for support elsewhere, but I know from my own experience that trying to compensate a lack of safety or caring from one partner by turning to another just does not do it for me. I need to feel safe, seen and cared for by all of my partners, in a way that feels natural in that particular relationship. It's good to have friends and hobbies and support from other people, crucial even. But I wouldn't sacrifice my relationship needs just because the other person/persons is/are not ready for this kind of commitment. I would talk openly about my feelings and needs. Ask and hear about their needs and feelings about the situation. Maybe take time for introspection and truly get to the bottom of these needs. Then come to a conclusion over a period of time of whether we can find a way to be in this situation and feel safe, seen and cared for. If not, I would walk away. We could stay friends. And if they truly care about me they would probably understand I have to take a step back if I am not feeling good here.

Dating a couple is not easy! I have been dating a married couple, or one of them, and with the other we have a growing friendship. It is not a triad in the full sense of the word, but I do spend time together with both alone and together. We also share family and future plans, so even though my realtionship with her is not romantic, it does feel like a triad more than a V. Affortunately! I feel this way our communication works way better. They don't like to think of themselves as being primary, and indeed are not. But after a long monogamous partnership there are many walls to be torn and remodeling going on in their relationship. At first I felt a bit guilty for bringing up issues. Issues that had to do with them having an established relationship, kids and all the structure that goes with it. Issues over feeling like a spare wheel as you said. Issues over not knowing whether there was going to be enough space in that structre for me to feel like I can bring in all of myself, instead of bringing in just a piece of me. That was a big question to be cleared for us: Does he/they want me whole, or just a piece? Do I want to be in a relationship as all of who I am or will it be enough for me just to interact a little bit? It is important to talk this through! So you can adjust your expectations or be able to decide whether or not you will be wanting to invest you time and energy into this relationship.

Over the last year I have learned that this kind of relationship takes a huge amount of work from all of us. I need to keep being open and vulnerable about my needs and feelings, as do they. Also digging deeper into who I am and what I want. Recognizing and holding boundaries, while being curious and compassionate towards them. But never sacrificing. <3 They are working on opening their relationship in a way that doesn't put any third person walking into it into a tiny, tight, clustered place where they barely fit. And that is a choice they made - to do the work. We are doing this together. Sometimes it's hard and I couldn't do it by myself. A relationships needs all the people involved to be interested about the needs and feelings of the others, otherwise there will be hurt. This is my experience.

Thank you for this, you’ve hit the nail completely on the head, I’ve always been someone to cut myself off from things when it gets to much so I’m trying to be more open around them, I told them that yes I’m emotional but I’m only emotional with people and things that I care about, we had a good chat yesterday now so I’m hoping we are all on the same page and time will tell.