How do I tell him?

[ThatOneChick]

Hi guys! So I’m new here, I’m actually very new to Polyamory as well - for this is something I’m just now learning. I (F23) have been monogamous for my entire dating life, mind you I have only dated 2 people (both of them men). I’ve kissed girls and flirted occasionally but I’ve always found that I’m a huge fan of *cough cough* penis... I’m currently in a very loving relationship with my best friend and partner (M25). We’ve been together for almost 5 years now, and while we’ve definitely grown over the years we still have so much to experience and learn about each other. I truly believe he is my soulmate - I’ve expressed to him my interest in marriage and kids but he doesn’t have any sort of interest in either of those things. And that’s okay, we’re still very young!

Recently I’ve been having very interesting dreams and realizations about my inner sexuality. I occasionally let my mind wander and think about what it would be like with two lovers - specifically two men. Often thinking about what it would be like if I had a husband and a boyfriend, in one big house with a big bed and just all around love. Oh and I’m a huge fan of DP - though Ive never tried it I’ve always been VERY attracted to having two men at once. Of course, in reality they wouldn’t have to be sexually involved with each other but they’d understand my love for each of them. One main thing I’m fascinated by is how I could have a marriage and kids with a new SO while allowing my primary (current boyfriend) his wish to stay kidless/unmarried. I know it’s far out there but I can’t help these new desires...

I sometimes feel ashamed that I’m thinking of such things, for my entire life I’ve been taught there is only “one lover” and that thinking of anyone but them is selfish, and unfair. Mind you I’m 100% sure the man I’m with now is my soul mate and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It’s just over the years since I’ve been with him I’ve had a handful of encounters where I’ve “fallen” or felt affectionate towards other men (mainly close friends); while still totally being in love with my current boyfriend.

We’ve talked about open relationships and joked about the possibly of having threesomes but have never actually had a serious conversation about making either of those things happen. And I’m not sure if I want an open relationship - for what I’m looking for is not to fuck around and see other people but to simply add another source of love for me. Is this selfish?

I haven’t told him any of my true feelings towards polyamory yet for there’s one huge issue - I’ve developed an affection for one of his new friends. Someone that he gets along with very well and that is kind, someone I feel would be perfect for us. I want to tell him, for we’ve always been very open with each other. But what if he hates me after I tell him I want another man in our relationship? What if he resents me when I tell him I’m slightly interested in his new friend?

I’m so scared and I would never want to jeopardize our entire relationship on my fantasies. But I’m always afraid that I’m missing out, or not fully accepting my sexual desires. Again I’ve only been with 2 people my entire life and sometimes I wonder if I just haven’t experienced enough. Any advice or kind words would really help me right now...

 

[vinsanity0]

First of all, there is no shame in wanting something other than a "normal" monogamous relationship, no matter what some people may think.

So right now you have a fantasy of DP and living with two lovers. Currently you are fantasizing about a friend of your BF. Threesomes are fun, but can be a little tedious to have to do that every single time. At some point your two lovers are going to want some one on one with you. And what if your BF wants another girl? Can you handle that? It's not selfish to want polyamory, but it is selfish to want it only for yourself.

If you still want to move forward, start with not joking around about it. Be up front with stating you would like a threesome some time. If BF is receptive to that idea, then you can bring up possibly doing this with a recurring partner. If he is not receptive to either of those ideas, then you will have to decide if you want to move on or stay monogamous.

Even if he is receptive to the idea, he may not want to include someone who is a good friend of his. Besides, you have no idea if the other guy is into having kids. At this point you don't even know if he is up for having a non-monogamous relationship.

So whatever you do, take it slow. It can take years for a couple to transition to poly. And if he hates you for bringing it up? That means you are incompatible. Hiding who you are is no way to keep a relationship going. If you want poly and he doesn't, he is not your soulmate.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Some of what you wrote really resonated with my history. MrS (my husband) was not gung-ho about marriage and kids, after much discussion (that you can read about in my Journey blog here) we did get married. He eventually changed his mind regarding kids too, but that was not in the cards for us.

For many (most?) people poly does NOT involve being sexual with more than one of their partners at the same time. Others of us do enjoy the occasional three-(or more)-some! On the rare occasions that it does happen, I do love having both boys with me in bed at the same time! (They are both straight so I get ALL of the attention). I also enjoy having one or both of them in bed with me and other, female, partners. But each relationship also has one-on-one time, both sexual and otherwise to nurture that relationship.

A few things that I thought while reading your post:

5 years is a LONG time to be in a relationship and still be having areas of compatibility that are largely unexplored/unresolved (marriage, kids, poly, etc.). On the other hand you are both really young and still discovering who you are and what you want.

My impression is that many straight men, even if they might be up for a poly relationship, will not be comfortable being naked and having sex in the presence of another male. And if they were bisexual? How would you feel if they did want to interact sexually? (Is your boyfriend bisexual? You don't say). What if they wanted to interact sexually WITHOUT you being involved? Even if your current boyfriend was up for threesomes, how would he feel about one-on-one sexy times between you and new BF?

You say that you are not sure of you want "open", because you are not interested in just "fucking around"? But how do you find that Other Significant Other if you don't date and figure out who might be a candidate for the OSO position? Similarly, how do you feel about your current boyfriend dating around to find his own OSO? How would you feel about being asked to fulfill HIS fantasies regarding threesome with you and another woman?

I think that you need to talk to your boyfriend. It MAY be that fantasies are better left as that - but talking about them may draw you closer together. It MAY be that he has similar thoughts but is reluctant to bring them up. It MAY be that this is a dealbreaker - but that it would be better to know where each of you stand now, before you commit to a marriage-less, childless relationship OR he acquiesces to a marriage and kids he doesn't want.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Is this selfish?

"Selfish" simply means "I'm not doing what other people want me to do" or "You're not doing what I want you to do."

When we live life trying to keep others happy or trying to keep others around, it's an unpleasant rocky road and usually leads to drama all around. A solid, emotionally secure relationship doesn't feel like trying, it feels natural. Trying to spare others their feelings about our truth never works. It erodes intimacy and doesn't lead to emotional security for anyone. Emotional security isn't something we give or get from other people, it comes out of knowing our own values and standing by them without fear or apology. When we have this basic confidence, we will experience security with others. All good relationships are based on this commitment to oneself. Know yourself, let other people be who they are, let them manage their own values and let life take its course. If someone is or is not a basic match, that will be revealed, but never minimize yourself just to keep someone around, even if he feels like a soul mate. Take "selfish" out of your vocabulary. It's not a helpful concept unless you're trying to get someone to do what they don't want to do. Trying to dance around and spare other people their own thoughts and feelings in an effort to not be "selfish" is really just so much manipulation. It never works out well. Trying to spare others is meant well, but it only leads to erosion of closeness. Everything good emanates out of standing by our truth with kindness and allowing everyone else to be who they are as well. Whether your BF can be a life long partner will be revealed, but the only truly secure way forward is through honesty and then having the confidence in each other to individually manage your own feelings.

Hiding who you are is no way to keep a relationship going.

^^^ THIS ^^^

I’ve developed an affection for one of his new friends. Someone that he gets along with very well and that is kind, someone I feel would be perfect for us.

Perfect for us? You really can't know that and thinking in terms of "perfect for us" is more over-management of your BF and whatever is going on with him. This new guy could turn out to be your long term soul mate, he could be a silly crush, he could be another wonderfully compatible love partner - you don't know yet. You've been dating your BF since you were 18, so there are a lot of men ahead for you to explore. This guy is just one. Take him out of the equation in your mind when you're thinking about honesty with your BF. This isn't about the new guy (who may or may not turn out to be someone in your life,) this is about your truth and what is important for you. Don't try to decipher what will be the easiest road for them, let them be adults. Don't try to smooth things over for everyone, let the guys respond to your honesty and find their own way, based on the knowledge of what is important for you. This is what respect is all about - confidence that others are capable and don't need you to get in their heads and help them navigate their own ships. All good things come out of each individual standing tall in confidence and kindness.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ThatOneChick,

It sounds like you are hoping for an MFM V, or maybe an MMF triad ... I have an MFM V myself (closed) ... so I know it can work. Perhaps the way to approach your partner/boyfriend, is to tell him, "I recently heard about polyamory, and I'm intrigued by the idea ... What do you think of it?" This way you can get a feel for whether you could delve deeper into it with him. If he says, "No way, I'd never want to do that ..." or, "I think it's a terrible idea!" ... then you know, there's no point in trying to delve deeper into it with him. If he says, "Hmmm, yes ... that's an interesting idea ..." then you know you have an opening. Just remember, just because he is your soulmate, does not have to mean that he will want the same things in life that you want. Sometimes in life, we end up going for an amicable parting, and to just try to be friends (even best friends). If you want poly and he wants mono, you'll need to decide whether you can live without poly.

In any case, don't hide who you are. Talk to him.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Maybe I skimmed but where are the paragraphs of you considering whether you have the tools to deal with your partner also enjoying relationships with multiple people?

 

[Vicki82]

I think one of the things you need to consider is that if your current partner isn't up for marriage and kids, and those are things you want, you very likely aren't going to be soulmates. Kids in particular is a big step and that really changes the game.

Even if, for the sake of argument, let's assume your current partner is all gung ho for you to be polyamorous and let's even say he's cool with all the fun threesome sex. So now you get pregnant with your spouse and have kids. Either your current partner's status in your life is going to get quite a lot of distance built in or else he's going to be some sort of parental figure. Kids will eat up a lot of your free time, especially for the first few years. You won't really be able to have any kind of egalitarian time sharing between your partners because you'll be focused on parenting with your spouse. Not that you can't be poly at all (lots of people here are with kids), but that pregnancy/babies will change things.

I don't mean to patronize you but 23 is young, especially if it's your first serious relationship. Lots of us (including myself) have had those "starter relationships" with people who aren't deeply compatible. If you're with someone who has drastically different life goals than you do, you might want to have some really heartfelt discussions to see what your current partner wants out of things. It's much easier to get out of situations like this before they get messy and still part as friends.

It's okay to want whatever you want- I can't stress that enough. But it's important to find someone who wants those same things. Poly really isn't a good bandaid to apply to an incompatible relationship to try and make it work.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, I'm a female, age 23. I have been monogamous for my entire dating life. Mind you, I have only dated 2 people (both of them men). I’ve kissed girls and flirted occasionally but I’ve always found that I’m a huge fan of *cough cough* penis...

Welcome to the club! lol

I’m currently in a very loving relationship with my best friend and partner (M25). We’ve been together for almost 5 years now, and while we’ve definitely grown over the years, we still have much to experience and learn about each other. I truly believe he is my soulmate.

But--

I’ve expressed to him my interest in marriage and kids and he doesn’t have any sort of interest in either of those things. And that’s okay, we’re still very young!

This is true! Some of us feel we have always been destined to be a parent, others get baby fever around age 30, or even later. But some decide they definitely never want kids, they need to be child-free. It can be rough when you are with someone who only gets less interested in kids as they get older, and you get more interested, though.

Recently I’ve been having very interesting dreams and realizations about my inner sexuality. I occasionally let my mind wander, and I think about what it would be like with two lovers - specifically two men. Often I think about what it would be like if I had a husband and a boyfriend, in one big house with a big bed and just all around love. Oh, and I’m a huge fan of DP - though I've never tried it I’ve always been VERY attracted to having two men at once.

This sounds like a delightful fantasy. You might make some of it come true some day. It's probably hella easier to get two guys to spit roast ya, lol, than to get 2 men to share a house AND a big bed every night. Just a headsup.

Of course, in reality they wouldn’t have to be sexually involved with each other, but they’d understand my love for each of them.

It's not uncommon for MFM V's to exist. However, I have not heard of any where people share a big bed between all 3 every night, and have frequent threesome sex. Much more common is a good sized home with at least 2, if not 3 bedrooms. The woman goes back and forth between the guys, perhaps alternating nights. And some nights she might want to sleep alone. And maybe... just maybe both men are also interested in MFM or MMF sexual activities.

So, there's that part. Moving on...

One main thing I’m fascinated by is how I could have a marriage and kids with a new SO while allowing my primary (current boyfriend) his wish to stay kidless/unmarried.

As others have said, if you do get with another guy (long shot, since it seems you haven't even broached the whole poly thing about dating another guy with your "soul mate" yet), and move him in (2nd long shot), having some kids with him will entail your current bf be around kids! And if he doesn't want kids, he probably doesn't want to be living with any that belong to you and another man. Make sense?

I sometimes feel ashamed that I’m thinking of such things. For my entire life I’ve been taught there is only “one lover” and that thinking of anyone but them is selfish, and unfair. Mind you, I’m 100% sure the man I’m with now is my soul mate, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It’s just, over the years since I’ve been with him I’ve had a handful of encounters where I’ve “fallen” or felt affectionate towards other men (mainly close friends), while still totally being in love with my current boyfriend.

We’ve talked about open relationships and joked about the possibly of having threesomes, but have never actually had a serious conversation about making either of those things happen. And I’m not sure if I want an open relationship - for what I’m looking for is not to fuck around and see other people but to simply add another source of love for me. Is this selfish?

You want what you want. Don't worry about whether you're "selfish" or not. Polyamorists do get accused of "wanting our cake and eating it too." But it's becoming more and more clear that humans are not naturally monogamous. We only sort of fake it for outdated social reasons, and the amount of cheating and divorce in society shows this to be so. Many people that dis poly people and others in open relationships just envy what we are manifesting in our lives.

However, hold on. Finding another "soul mate" who is as interested in a MFM V or triad as you are (assuming your current bf is at all into this idea), will take time. Dating is entailed. Therefore, you're going to have "potentials" coming in and moving out of your life until you find another Mr Right. How will that go down with the bf?

I haven’t told him any of my true feelings towards polyamory yet for there’s one huge issue - I’ve developed an affection for one of his new friends. Someone that he gets along with very well, who is kind. Someone I feel would be perfect for us. I want to tell him, for we’ve always been very open with each other. But what if he hates me after I tell him I want another man in our relationship? What if he resents me when I tell him I’m slightly interested in his new friend?

His friend wouldn't be "in your relationship" with bf. He might potentially be in relationship with you, yourself. Whether it becomes a V or triad would remains to be seen. Poly arrangement evolve and take time. They don't magically come together overnight.

Also, it can be seen as "messy" to try and date a friend of one's bf. What if the romance doesn't work out? What will happen to the friendship of the 2 guys? They might lose each other. They might end up feeling competitive and all kinds of ugliness may ensue.

I’m so scared. I would never want to jeopardize our entire relationship on my fantasies. But I’m always afraid that I’m missing out, or not fully accepting my sexual desires. Again, I’ve only been with 2 people my entire life and sometimes I wonder if I just haven’t experienced enough. Any advice or kind words would really help me right now...