Hi Hatchya,
Firstly welcome to the forums. We're brought up with a lifetime of examples of monogamy. Despite identifying with polyamory intellectually, polyamory can still be difficult to do emotionally.
I interpret your question as
"what are the range of responses my partner and my relationship may go through if I disclose my wish to pursue polyamory with my best (male) friend, given I would wish to enter it with the intention of a lifelong relationship with him, similar to that which I am offering my current partner?"
In a nutshell, it probably depends a lot on what you and your partner are like. Having said that, my understanding is that the majority of couples in a previously monogamous long term relationship who enter polyamory with a third person, end up terminating one or both of those relationships.
Of all the forum members who post here, I know of only
one who has transitioned from monogamy to polyamory without ending any of the original relationships, with the obvious bias that this is a forum that will attract troubled relationships. Having said that, many forum members here state they feel happier now with their lives and enjoy a richer relationship than they did in monogamy.
Factors that I think favour a smooth transition to polyamory for you and your current partner include having had a long time to ponder the implications of polyamory now. Also, you state you are both probably poly-friendly to the idea. Factors that I think you and your partner will find challenging include the possibility that your partner may feel you are changing your relationship rules for your love of a third party whom you have picked out in advance, rather than out of love for your partner or for your relationship. The thinking is potentially skewy, but that's a fairly common monogamous way to view a partner when they wish to introduce a specific third person into a previously closed relationship.
The word "affair" may come up in some of the links below. I would define affair (in a monogamous relationship) to be any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates a partner's trust. In that sense, your partner may (or may not) consider what you already feel or do around your male friend to be an emotional affair. If your partner is okay with the interactions you have with others, then it doesn't violate trust and wouldn't be considered an affair. Just my thoughts.
Most of the forum members here are years down their poly journey, and most seem happy with their life. I won't give examples, since you will find plenty in the blogs section. However, here are a few who regretted telling their partner they identified with polyamory (
example 1,
example 2). Here is one who regretted their partner expressing a wish for polyamory (
example 3: look at first post of first thread and first post of last thread). Here are a few examples of others who have entered polyamory with a particular third person in mind already. Most of these self-identify with the early stages having been an affair and these don't tend to work (
example 4,
example 5,
example 6,
example 7, lots of examples in this category). There are also a few that do seem to work, at least for a few months (
example 8,
example 9,
example 10. I have to stress that examples 8, 9 and 10 are very exceptional examples that I searched deliberately for on the internet. I suspect
many counsellors have never seen an affair in monogamy transition healthily into polyamory, and since all 3 examples are less than 1 year old, maybe the counsellors are correct though I secretly root for them to work and prove the statistics wrong). Here's a clever girl who had feelings, disclosed it to her husband then let her husband control the pace of their romantic relationship for a year until he started getting more comfortable with the idea (
example 11).
In the world of
consensual non monogamy, I feel that polyamory and '
relationship anarchy' offer the individuals the freedom to experience unlimited emotional or sexual connection with whomever they choose. Other forms of consensual non monogamy like swinging, along with BDSM/kink group play, offer sexual connection but may have rules that limit the emotional connection outside of play sessions. I feel that a transition from monogamy straight to polyamory may be more challenging than opening monogamy to a form of non monogamy that allows one to impose limits on emotional connection. However, we're on a polyamory board so many people here will likely dispute my assertion, so I will add that limiting emotional connection can be seen as both unethical and difficult, but I stand fast in my main point in that opening a previously monogamous relationship straight to polyamory can be very difficult for the original monogamous relationship.
Your final decision to choose to open your relationship should be a decision you and your partner decide together. Doing so with a third person already on the table can jeopardize the negotiation. The book "opening up" by Tristan Taormino is often recommended but is not one I've personally read. The book "more than two" is, I feel, quite idealistic and sets a tone for
polynormativity that others who practice polyamory with rules have sometimes found alienating, as do some with personality disorders, non secure love attachment styles and I would add that I, as a previously monogamous person, felt like I was failing in polyamory when I failed to do what the book suggested I should be doing. Having said that,
morethantwo.com is one of my favourite go-to resources for polyamory because it shows me how beautiful polyamory can be, 10 years down the track - just not for me at the moment.
In summary, I can see that you identify the problems of opening up as requesting a change in rules of your monogamous relationship and you are uncertain as to the potential fallout of that. Furthermore, you worry that your existing interest in your male friend may make opening up more difficult. I think you've thought it through really well and I'm not sure I have any clear suggestions for you Hatchya. I feel an honest discussion of your feelings is the basis for any strong relationship, but there are others who have lived happily and taken secrets that they feel would have wrecked their relationship to the grave with them. Some people open up their relationship only to regret it, while others recognise that opening up destroyed their old relationships (sometimes destroying both initial relationships on entering poly) but feel happier with their new relationships further down in life. Very few couples seem to transition successfully from monogamy to polyamory after having already picked a third person. A less strenuous transition from monogamy to non monogamy may be to consider
alternate forms of non monogamy as a stepping stone to polyamory, though I suspect the downside of this may be heartache and the potentially unethical use of couple privilege to veto a relationship to dust if feelings do develop for a swinging partner or for a casual friends with benefits.
In the end, no real advice, just some thoughts of mine. Hope they help.
EDIT: One more,
example 12: here's a monogamous relationship that dipped their toes in poly because the wife fell hard for a third person. It didn't work, they backed out with (what I presume the poster means as) no contact. Then settled into monogamy with their husband and talked about it for 4 years, then tried poly again with someone else. It was too much for hubby (presumably due to poly fatigue, which I interpret as being too much processing and too much trying to handle insecurity/jealousy/scheduling) and so hubby left. And just so it doesn't all sound negative, have a look at some of the blogs that update regularly. Many happy people in poly too, just not many with their original relationship.
