How do people work their scheduling?

S

Sparkles

New member
I'm curious how those of you who have been poly for many years approach scheduling. (This is the first time that Hubby and I have actually started practicing polyamory.)

I've started seeing a new man (i'll call him Kilt, for what he was wearing on the night we met), and, as per his request, he met with me and Hubby today to confirm that Hubby is okay with me dating, and hear about our boundaries, rules & expectations.

So now, i'm suddenly freaking out about time expectations. How do we schedule?

Do you have set nights you go out with others? What if one of your partners works shifts (Hubby works shifts, Kilt works weekends)? What if one of them suggests doing something the other one would be super keen on doing as well?

Eeek! I don't want to disappoint either guy... but I can also be socially clueless (which is why I usually err on the side of caution). I shared this fear with hubby tonight (along with the directive to let me know if i'm overstepping his boundaries - for example, inviting a friend along to an event he wants to go to with me exclusively).

I guess I need to share this with Kilt as well...

Rambling now... Help!
:confused::rolleyes:
 
Hi Sparkles,

Maybe the thing to do is get a shared calendar that all three of you can add stuff to. And see if you can come up with a weekly time for a three-person sit-down. This way you can all look at the calendar together and request changes or what have you. The sit-down is also an opportunity to discuss wants and needs and brainstorm on how to meet them.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I operate on a first-come, first-served basis. If someone I'm seeing schedules time with me, I don't break it just because someone else wants my time, unless it's an emergency. If someone wants to see me when I've scheduled someone else, I tell them I'm not available, let's look at another day. It's really quite simple. A calendar helps! ;)

So, how often does Kilt want to see you? How often does Hubby want to see you? How much time do you need for yourself, to pursue interests, see friends, family, etc.? Are you and your guys interested in going on group dates or would everyone rather keep everything separate? Find out this info and go from there.
 
I have a big wipe board calendar that has everyone's schedule on it.
 
I just check in with my boyfriend at the beginning of the week and plan what days/evenings we want to get together. We are pretty boring and know each other's usual schedules so it's not that hard. I do try to plan ahead if there's a big event or something, where someone really needs a specific day. Dag and I have a long weekend away coming up, I let my husband know as soon as we planned it, even though it was months away then.

We don't share calendars but we do keep each other in the loop and I put both guys' stuff on my calendar. It gets easier as you get used to each other's routines :)
 
I use google calendar, and all 3 of my guys have access to my schedule, and can add things if they wish. They each shared their calendars with me, but they don't seem to do much with them. Mine is my lifeline to sanity!

Each week I try to spend some time talking to each of them about my schedule. Up until last week, WarMan and DarkKnight had a set work schedule, so things were constantly shifting to match PunkRock's changing work calendar. He never had a set day off so each week would be different. However, he just got moved to a different department and he will now have a set schedule, so things should be more set.

WarMan is always very stressed out by scheduling and doesn't like to talk about changes.

My schedule is usually as follows, but with lots of flexibility when needed:

Sunday: date night DarkKnight, sleepover PunkRock
Monday: date night WarMan, Sleepover DarkKnight
Tuesday: date night PunkRock, sleepover PunkRock
Wednesday: my night for friends, sleepover WarMan
Thursday: game night with all guys, sleepover PunkRock
Friday: date night DarkKnight, sleepover DarkKnight
Saturday: date night WarMan, sleepover WarMan

Right now Wed-Thu-Fri seem to be shifting around the most, with needing to swap nights around. DarkKnight does live dinner theater so when he has shows he misses out with me.
 
Thanks so much for the ideas everyone - the examples are super helpful!

Although Hubby is not calendar phobic, he does hate discussing commitments, so i'm not sure a sit down with the 3 of us would work on a regular basis (although perhaps semi-regular?). We've now got a google calendar set up which we're sharing between the two of us. I also picked up a physical calendar for the new year.

Nycindie - i think i'll take your advice to find out everyone's needs and desires. The guys get along, so i'm hoping they'll be up for doing things together every few weeks.

Bluebird - your schedule looks awesomely fun!

It feels like an amazing adventure is just starting (that could also be endorphins from a long run)!!!! :p
 
Hubby and I have a paper calendar hanging by our front door - we put all of our individual activities on that. I look to that when Boy and I begin to plan our next week's worth of dates/hangouts. We try to keep them to days that Hubby is already working late, which is great. I appreciate that Boy is comfortable and actually tries to make sure he isn't taking away from time Hubby and I could have together. Between my work schedule and Hubby's, we usually have 3 evenings together. Boy and I usually have 2. Then I have 2 to figure out myself - whether it's picking up extra work, social, or sucking it up and being alone.

Boy uses the calendar on his phone, and we were going to figure out a way to share an electronic calendar for a while. Then I realized how terrible I am at updating them and we both realized we don't really have enough going on to make it worth it. We know each other's basic work schedules.
 
Hubby's philosophy on spending time with me is "We live together and see each other every day, so why do we need to schedule anything?" So we don't. If he and I are home and awake at the same time, we might talk, or not. If time allows, we'll spend some naked time in bed together. He's the type who doesn't actually enjoy doing things or going out anywhere, so with him, I have to take things as they come.

With Woody, at my request, we agreed on one night a week that is always our night together, unless one of us is sick or out of town, and agreed that when possible we'll have a second night together each week that will change, or not happen at all, depending on his schedule. (My schedule is usually a lot more flexible than his.) He has two movie nights per week (again, his schedule permitting; one of the nights sometimes has to be canceled) that his housemates and friends are present at. The one that nearly always happens is my guaranteed night with him; the other, if it happens, is sometimes my second night with him for that week, if he hasn't made plans with Highlight or Stella first.

He recently started doing a monthly karaoke night event. The first one after he and I got together was one of my nights with him that week (actually, it was my only one that week, because we hadn't yet established the guaranteed one). The second one, last week, he chose to do as a date night with Highlight, but they decided that didn't quite work for them (too crowded and loud a club, with too many other people around), so from now on karaoke nights will be one of my nights with him.

Woody prefers a poly model where metamours are friends with each other and group socializing sometimes happens. I'm still getting used to that; neither of my previous two boyfriends had other partners, so I had no metamours. My first boyfriend was primarily a long distance thing, so there was little opportunity for him and Hubby to socialize. My second boyfriend... something about him rubbed Hubby the wrong way, leading to Hubby playing stupid alpha-male games, so I didn't actually want them around each other. But Hubby's gone with me to two movie nights at Woody's and, other than some awkwardness the second time because I was staying with Woody that night and Hubby wasn't sure how affectionate he should be toward me in front of Woody under those circumstances, he seemed to enjoy it, so he might resume going after the holidays.
 
My b/f and I have a "standard" schedule of what nights he spends with me, what nights I spend with him, and what nights he's home with his wife so I'm free to make my own plans be it with an OSO, friends, family, or whatever. Any time one of us starts dating someone new or something significant happens to discuss changing the "standard" schedule we're all willing to discuss. It's a big discussion since we also have to coordinate schedules with when b/f's wife is seeing her peeps.

Outside of the "standard" schedule we all will also mention if we want to try and work out and swaps of days or other changes due to one person having travel or other plans going on that hose things up. Oddly enough, even though we have a set schedule, it seems like at least 50% of the time we're making a tweak for one week or another, but that's ok because we're all willing to be flexible and try to accommodate each other as much as possible. At the end of the day we try to at least maintain a decent balance so that no one is going days and days without seeing one of their partners.
 
We are usually very strickt with nights - when we are in the same town, I have every other night with them. We have also at times tried other versions, like having a couple of night in a row with one of them. I try to make a point of NOT adapting to anyone's scedule, that means that if boyfriend works an extremely long shift, and it is his night, I get to have a whiskey with him, a small chat, almost no attention, and probably no sex. But I get to sleep next to him, and comfort him after the long, tiredsome day he has had. If we decide to shift days, we make a point to arrange it in advance if we can so that there is a plan to it. I hate shifts in days, I find it very upsetting, more than the boys do.

We don't really need a calender. Every other night is pretty straight-forward. In the beginning I put my initials in my journal, but after a while you just remember. The only thing we try to scedule, since there is the distance, is who will get me on the last night - since I see boyfriend the least, we have usually made it so that I spend the last night with boyfriend. So those are the exeptions that make the rule.

I know some people have a week at at time with each lover. I have many months spent a week with boyfriend, or more, so I know how great it is to have a big stretch of time to spend with both of them (I live with husband so I often get big stretches of time with him as well). That is an issue we will have to deal with if boyfriend comes to our town to live. I know some people have "off" nights where they sleep alone but we don't do that, I prefer to all time sleep with someone, if my husband goes away I have to get all the pillows in the house to hug them ;)
 
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I am really bad at strict schedules, so my guys all need to be pretty flexible - and they are. I have no set date nights with my live-in partners, and the sleepovers depend on our work schedules, mostly.

Me and Mark have very similar interests and like doing household stuff together, so we naturally get a lot of together-time. CJ is quite so introverted and likes spending time alone, so sometimes it is a struggle to fit me into his private world. But, anytime he wants to spend time with me, he usually gets it. And, every now and then I do remind him about my existence :p

I have agreed to at least one night with Jeremy every week, and most often it is a sleepover as well. There is no set day for him, either. His schedule is very flexible, so mostly there is no problem finding a day that fits both of us. I go with my gut feeling about what day would be best each week considering both of my live-in partners and their schedules, and how life is at home. Time with Jeremy is not necessarily limited to one night - some weeks I do see him twice or even three times, but that is rather rare.
 
My snoring has consigned me to solitary nights ... which I oddly don't mind. On the other hand, if Brother-Husband is working during the day and Snowbunny isn't, Snowbunny and I often do stuff together during waking hours, which I like.
 
Most of the people who posted responses seem to have fairly traditional work schedules. I'm the hinge and a shift worker, both wife and gf at SAHM's, and gf's husband works a fairly traditional schedule. He also doesn't like to plan anything in advance, needs to see what his mood is. If someone doesn't schedule time with me, it won't happen.
So, I pretty much manage the schedule for my days off. I make time for my kids, working out, a wife date and a gf date. And they take place at all manner of times a day.
And the reality is its never fair, and it's kind of equal, and I do what I can to meet everyone's needs and be there for the people I love and encourage a lot of talking.
 
None of us work traditional schedules. Murf works 12 hour shifts with rotating days off.

Butch works 7-3 some days 3-11 others. 7 days on 2 days off. 8 days on 4 days off. He can be sick working overtime at anytime.

I work in Veterinary medicine you never know what wiki walk in the door or how long you have to stay. I work different hours every day of the week. Plus my kids have activities.

Hence the need for a huge calendar. I manage to get as close to 50/50 as possible.
 
KC43 said:
Hubby's philosophy on spending time with me is "We live together and see each other every day, so why do we need to schedule anything?"
Click to expand...

So I am kind of like your Hubby on this - we three live together and mostly just hang out and do our own things and talk or whatever as we feel like it. I am pretty much a homebody so this works for me. If there is a concert or movie or whatever that someone wants to see, then we do that (or the interested parties do). If one of them wants some one-on-one time with me, they ask, and usually I go along with it.

KC43 said:
Woody prefers a poly model where metamours are friends with each other and group socializing sometimes happens.
Click to expand...

This is also the model that we prefer with "outside" partners (i.e. not the three of us that live together). We would often go to Lotus's house together, but sometimes just one or two of us. Usually her husband was there and sometimes some friends. Other times she would come down to visit the three of us and occasionally bring her husband. Lotus is not longer "dating" us but we are still friends and are planning to go out of town with her and her husband for New Years.

*************

I am the only one in the house with any schedule or outside responsibilities so the boys just fit their schedules around mine however they see fit.
 
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