How do you get over jealousy?

C

crimsonsapphire

New member
I have been in a poly relationship for over a year now, and so far, things have been going well. But over the past few months, I have started to feel jealous towards my best friend Sam (my bf Tim's wife), being with him more, especially when they are having sex. I don't understand exactly why, though, since Tim shows that he loves me, and says that he does, and most of the time I believe it. It's just that when he and Sam have sex I feel not only like crying, but also like punching her in the face.

He loves for me to be involved in the sex, even when he is having sex with her. He spends more time with me than with her, because of her job. He always gives us both equal affection. Yet I always feel scared at times that I will land up being pushed away and forgotten.

I want this to be resolved, especially before 6 months, since his new girlfriend is going to move in soon, and I don't want to show any more jealousy. Tim has tried to help me by talking about it. Sam tried to help, as well. But I still feel angry and hurt when they get intimate, and then feel even worse when he tries to talk to me about it. It's like I don't want to believe that I am jealous.

Please help me to resolve this. I love them both so much and I want to make sure that things will get better.
 
It sounds like something has changed, and you haven't identified what it is, so you can't really work on it.

Have your feelings for him deepened in some way? I.e., were you thinking that things were more casual/fun, but you found your desires for your future with him changing?

Is it the threat of the new girlfriend moving in that has made you insecure? How long ago were these plans made?

Did something else happen in your life that unbalanced you? Did you have a major shift at work, or in another friendship or relationship, that is making you feel more needy than you used to be?

You don't need to answer these questions here. They are just food for thought as to why something that previously you were okay with is now bothering you.

I had an instance early on in my relationship with MrS, where I thought I was going to be okay with something-- him hooking up with his gf while they were at a show together-- and it turned out that I wasn't. It wasn't that he slept with her. It was that she slept with him that was bothering me. She was my FWB too, but our connection was more nebulous. But it took a while for me to pinpoint where my discomfort stemmed from.
 
I am confused. Is my recap correct? Please correct me if I am wrong. I'm just trying to help by guessing. I could be totally wrong.

  • You have been seeing Tim for over a year now.
  • His wife Sam is also your best friend.
  • Some new GF is going to move in soon with him/them, in the next 6 mos.
  • You feel scared at times that you will land up being pushed away and forgotten.
  • Lately you feel envious that Sam and he share sex, when before you were ok.
Could the trigger be the new GF coming to move in? The GF and Sam will have what you do not, cohabiting with Tim. There may not be time left to share with you. Since the GF is not there yet, could you be projecting your discomfort onto the one who is there, Sam?

Could you be upset that this new GF is moving in and you were not part of the discussion? Were you left out of talks about it, even though it makes a major change in the polyship dynamic and your own life as a result?

Do you need to be reassured by Tim that you are bot going to be pushed away and forgotten? What behavior would you like him to do to show that? A steady date night? Something off page 5 and 6 here? Something else that would demonstrate a commitment to you, that he is not forgetting about you?

Hang in there. Breathe. Try to sort out how you feel and what you might like to request of him and of yourself so you can start to feel better.

Galagirl
 
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Making things more clear

To answer some of the questions, my feelings have greatly deepened, and when they did, the jealousy started to grow, as well.

The jealousy was there even before Tim met the third woman, although it does make me a bit more worried now.

When it comes to something else happening in life, he got a second job (which he is going to quit soon). With me working, and Sam as well, I felt like I didn't see him as much, but Sam saw him more, which I found out later was the opposite.

I'm sorry for being so vague. Let me explain more. Tim and Sam are married. Tim knew me when Sam and I hung out at school. She introduced me to him. Back then, Tim only thought of being monogamous until we started falling in love. Then Tim watched an anime about poly relationships and that's how it happened. I've known Sam and Tim for four years, but Tim and I became a couple last year.

Recently though, in the past few months, the jealousy thing has grown. I think part of it is because I used to spend so much time with Tim before he lost his old job and we both had to get new jobs and work longer to pay for the new apartment. I also love him so much that lately I think I am scared that such an amazing relationship won't last.

I don't know what else is bothering me. But in truth, I am so scared that I will led up being forgotten, because it happened a lot to me in the past with friends. I should know now how much time he spends with me, and how caring he is. So I don't know why I am often paranoid or jealous when I see how much he loves me.
 
Right now I am hearing lots of feelings, which is good. You can articulate your feelings. You are not articulating your need, though.

  • I always feel scared at times that I will land up being pushed away and forgotten. I need _____ to not feel scared I'll be forgotten.
  • I am scared that such an amazing relationship won't last. I need _____ to believe this relationship can last.
  • I am scared that I will end up being forgotten, because it happened a lot to me in the past with friends. I need _______ to feel Tim is not like the friends that bailed on me.

Lots of fear. What do you need to feel safer so you can allow yourself to move past the fearfulness?

Could taking a needs inventory help you narrow down what need of yours is not being met by you? How do you talk to yourself inside your own head? With nurture and support, or comparing/talking down to yourself, like you are not enough, somehow?

They sound willing to help.

They tried to help, but I still feel angry and hurt when they get intimate, and then feel even worse when he tries to talk to me about it.
Click to expand...

What needs would you like to be met by Tim, by Sam? More time spent alone with Tim? No group sex?

When Tim talks to you about it, what makes it feel worse? The words he uses? Emotional flooding? Talking about it at all?

Galagirl
 
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