How do you tell someone you're interested in that you're poly?

bunni522

New member
Hi guys! Looking for advice.

I'm a bi female with a male long-term partner that I share kids with. We are both poly but new to it.

We are each looking to date someone separately -- particularly, he is looking for an exclusive girlfriend. I am looking for an exclusive (different) girlfriend for me as well.

SO..

I am needing help figuring out when and how to tell this girl I'm talking to that I'm poly.

I started talking to this girl I used to know back almost 8 years ago. We haven't talked since then. We had a bit of a dicey history: we met through a class we had together in HS, and I had a crush on her.. we started talking through facebook and eventually we set up a date. She ended up cancelling our date, then was really flakey about when we can reschedule for. I got upset so I gave up the idea of dating her and dated a boy that had been interested in me instead. She got mad at me that I gave up on her so quickly and we never really talked again.

So now 8 years later, I see her on facebook again (she didn't have an acct until just recently) and I couldnt help but add her. She accepted my request right away, but i was too scared to message her for a couple of days. I'll note here that she is fully lesbian and has just recently gotten out of a long-term relationship.

Finally I message her and she did respond kindly. One of the first things she did was ask me about my family situation since i share it publicly on my page, "so you have kids" "how is married life". I was honest, told her a little about my kids and told her that my relationship with my partner is good.

We still talked and we did get a little flirty even, and she of course asks me at some point a little jokingly why I was so curious to get to know her again. I told her honestly that I guess I just wondered what it would have been like to have gotten to know her more back then.

She did seem to accept the answer and moved on, we have talked now about 3 days and she's still flirty towards me and although she hasn't asked further, I feel she's of course confused still as to why I'm talking to her.

The thing is... I don't really know her anymore. She doesn't really know me. So to tell her about myself being poly feels strange. We are essentially strangers again and to just throw out to her that im poly and explain my situation feels like too much when I don't even know if she's still interested in me and vice versa. There are hints but I don't know...

But at the same time, I feel like I need to explain soon. She is obviously going to remain confused until I clarify.

I also feel strange about telling her over text. I feel like before I tell her this I should see her in person, like go out on a date with her and really see each other for the first time in 8 years before I start making things more confusing and complicated. But it feels too soon to ask her out to a date...

AH! I'm sorry this is a lot and maybe sounds even childish to worry about. I just am not good at speaking to women and I really liked her in the past and it's really the first time I have gotten remotely anywhere with a woman.. please be kind <3

Thank you all so much xx
 
Sounds like she's already given you an opening to discuss your motivations in contacting her again. I would be upfront asap over text. Something like: "to be honest, I contacted you again as I still feel attraction to you. Although I appreciate we don't know each other anymore as it has been so long. I am interested in catching up again to see if there is any spark there. Are you open to this? Just so you know, I am not monogamous. Happy to chat more in person."

If I was interested in friendship too, I'd add that in there as well.

If you're going to ask her on a date, you'd need to clear that stuff up beforehand anyway so may as well do it all sooner than later.
 
Hello bunni522,

I actually think you should tell her *before* you ask her out. So that she would have some idea of what she was getting into. I think I would say, something like, "I know this is a little abrupt, but I didn't want to wait too long before letting you know, that I am nonmonogamous. I hope that is okay?" ... and if she seems to be okay about it, you could then move on to say, "and I still feel attracted to you after all these years. Perhaps we could go on a date? nothing fancy, just coffee perhaps?" I'm kind of just thinking off the top of my head, you may want to tweak my wording here and there, but basically that gives you an idea of what I'd suggest you say. I don't think it's dumb at all of you to ask here, in fact it's the wise thing to do. Get some varied opinions, and figure out the best way to approach this.

Good luck, and keep us posted,
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
When she asked about your family would have been a good time. When she asked why you contacted her would have been a good time. How are you going to ask her out without telling her? Is the plan to pretend it's for just a social visit, then spring it on her? That sounds like it would be awkward. Consider giving her some time to process it.
 
Hey guys,

I wanted to post an update. You all were right, it definitely was something I needed to do before meeting with her face to face and that I needed to do asap. So I did it yesterday!

I used a bit of what you all said to say to her, and sent it on off. :eek:

She was actually really nice about it and said that she already knew! She had a feeling about it and that it's actually happened to her before.

At this point she said she's not sure she wants to be in a relationship but she is open to flirting and seeing where it goes. We flirted all night. <3

Thank you all SO SO much! I couldn't have done it without you all!
 
Last edited:
Hi bunni,

Thanks for that update, it sounds like your coming out to her went really well, that is encouraging to hear. I think it's great that you guys have an understanding about where you stand with each other, and that you can flirt freely without getting mired down in whether it's a relationship right now. Carry on! I'm really glad that we were able to help.

Much regards,
Kevin T.
 
Update again:

I'm starting to think that I perceived more to be there between myself and the girl I mention... I'm not sure where we are at.

So the day I told her about everything, it seemed fine. We flirted most of the night by message and she was replying really quickly all night despite the fact that she was at a party. This was on Friday night.

But since then, she didn't talk to me all weekend.

We both have Sat/Suns off. I am always the one that messages her first and I knew she had been out late on Fri, so I thought I'd give her some time before trying to message her, maybe she would message me first.

She never did so around 8pm Sat I messaged her.

She was online throughout the day and after I messaged her, but she didn't read my message or reply until a little after 4am (now on Sunday), to which she only said "hi lol"

I was still up as I was hosting a game night with my neighbors, so I replied pretty quickly and said whats up, but she never said anything more.

The rest of Sunday I was pretty sick so most of the day I spent off the internet, but I did check in now and then to see if she said anything else and she never did. It's now Monday and she left me on read.

I guess I shouldn't jump at conclusions or be hurt, she did after all say that she wasn't looking for a relationship and wanted to just flirt. I just feel so weird because it felt like it got so intense on Fri and I was so excited and then she goes silent on me.

My hub says that maybe she was embarrassed because things escalated really quickly and she probably allowed it to happen because she had been drinking -- she probably woke up the next morning realizing what she had done and was embarrassed she let things get that far.

I know I should consider as well that she might have just been busy having a really good weekend with friends or might even be talking to other women than just me so perhaps she was just too tied up to reply, but it seems odd to me because that wasn't the case on Fri when she was at a party and most of the week she replies to me even when she's at work.

I feel bad now like I made her uncomfortable, but I don't know how to handle it. I don't want to message her again and seem overly clingy or overbearing. Should I just wait it out for her to message me?

I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes so high with her and should just try and move on...idk. :(
 
Hey guys,

I wanted to post an update. You all were right, it definitely was something I needed to do before meeting with her face to face and that I needed to do asap. So I did it yesterday!

I used a bit of what you all said to say to her, and sent it on off. :eek:

She was actually really nice about it and said that she already knew! She had a feeling about it and that it's actually happened to her before.

At this point she said she's not sure she wants to be in a relationship but she is open to flirting and seeing where it goes. We flirted all night. <3

Thank you all SO SO much! I couldn't have done it without you all!

Good job and good luck.
 
Update again:

I'm starting to think that I perceived more to be there between myself and the girl I mention... I'm not sure where we are at.

So the day I told her about everything, it seemed fine. We flirted most of the night by message and she was replying really quickly all night despite the fact that she was at a party. This was on Friday night.

But since then, she didn't talk to me all weekend.

We both have Sat/Suns off. I am always the one that messages her first and I knew she had been out late on Fri, so I thought I'd give her some time before trying to message her, maybe she would message me first.

She never did so around 8pm Sat I messaged her.

She was online throughout the day and after I messaged her, but she didn't read my message or reply until a little after 4am (now on Sunday), to which she only said "hi lol"

I was still up as I was hosting a game night with my neighbors, so I replied pretty quickly and said whats up, but she never said anything more.

The rest of Sunday I was pretty sick so most of the day I spent off the internet, but I did check in now and then to see if she said anything else and she never did. It's now Monday and she left me on read.

I guess I shouldn't jump at conclusions or be hurt, she did after all say that she wasn't looking for a relationship and wanted to just flirt. I just feel so weird because it felt like it got so intense on Fri and I was so excited and then she goes silent on me.

My hub says that maybe she was embarrassed because things escalated really quickly and she probably allowed it to happen because she had been drinking -- she probably woke up the next morning realizing what she had done and was embarrassed she let things get that far.

I know I should consider as well that she might have just been busy having a really good weekend with friends or might even be talking to other women than just me so perhaps she was just too tied up to reply, but it seems odd to me because that wasn't the case on Fri when she was at a party and most of the week she replies to me even when she's at work.

I feel bad now like I made her uncomfortable, but I don't know how to handle it. I don't want to message her again and seem overly clingy or overbearing. Should I just wait it out for her to message me?

I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes so high with her and should just try and move on...idk. :(

I was thinking the same thing you said your husband was thinking. Not that she got embarrassed, but it may have escalated quickly because she was partying.

I hate that whole messaging thing. I never know what to do either. If I message someone and they don't message me back I usually just let it go. I might give them one more message just in case.
 
...she might have just been busy having a really good weekend with friends or might even be talking to other women than just me so perhaps she was just too tied up to reply.... Should I just wait it out for her to message me?

Karen's relationship guideline #24:
Nobody is ever "too busy" or "too tied up" to fire off a quick text of sweet fondness. Nobody.

Everyone can take a moment to respond within a day when the other person is their priority. "Too busy" is always boloney, whether someone is using that as their excuse or whether you're trying to justify things in your own mind. When someone doesn't respond to your texts in a reasonable fashion, you know everything you need to know.
 
Last edited:
I hate that whole messaging thing. I never know what to do either. If I message someone and they don't message me back I usually just let it go. I might give them one more message just in case.

I know :( I am just so horrible at messaging and picking up on things through text... I fired off one last message today. She was silent yesterday as well, so that might mean all I need to know, but I caved. She is usually asleep at this time but wakes up here and there, so I'll see how it goes today -- if it goes!!!

I wish we could do this whole getting to know each other stuff in person. I am much better in person. But considering we haven't even talked for more than a week and corona, etc. I am left to practice my worst art. :rolleyes:
 
Karen's relationship guideline #24:
Nobody is ever "too busy" or "too tied up" to fire off a quick text of sweet fondness. Nobody.

Everyone can take a moment to respond within a day when the other person is their priority. "Too busy" is always boloney, whether someone is using that as their excuse or whether you're trying to justify things in your own mind. When someone doesn't respond to your texts in a reasonable fashion, you know everything you need to know.

I am definitely starting to think you are right :( She didn't message me either yesterday. I have caved! I shot off a last message.

I do know that she's taking 6 classes right now online and she just started work again this past Wed after a brief break, so she does technically have a lot to do now. But you are right -- it takes like 2 seconds to shoot off a message to someone, even if you are busy, to at least show them you care.

She did tell me a little bit here and there when I told her how I felt that she wasn't sure why I liked her and that she was kind of an asshole. So I guess she has been kind of dropping hints at me here and there that she is a player, not looking for anything serious, which I told her I didn't mind. Perhaps she felt like I was getting attached too quick or something so she's trying to give me space so I don't catch feelings?

UGGHH lol
 
She did tell me a little bit here and there when I told her how I felt that she wasn't sure why I liked her and that she was kind of an asshole. So I guess she has been kind of dropping hints at me here and there that she is a player, not looking for anything serious, which I told her I didn't mind.

Karen's relationship guideline #18:
People make up all kinds of things to say about themselves and their circumstances when they are not sure how to tell you plainly that they are just not interested in you.

I think we all learn this the hard way, but once you do learn it, it frees up an awful lot of space in your mind that can be used for so many more beneficial things than trying to figure out exactly what is going on with the other person. "I'm just not that into you" would save us all so many mental gymnastics, but most people are too chicken to say it. "I'm a really difficult person" and "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" are classic ways to say "No thanks."
 
Last edited:
Karen's relationship guideline #18:
People make up all kinds of things to say about themselves and their circumstances when they are not sure how to tell you plainly that they are just not interested in you.

I think we all learn this the hard way, but once you do learn it, it frees up an awful lot of space in your mind that can be used for so many more beneficial things than trying to figure out exactly what is going on with the other person. "I'm just not that into you" would save us all so many mental gymnastics, but most people are too chicken to say it. "I'm a really difficult person" and "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" are classic ways to say "No thanks."

For what it is worth, she did reply. She says she's been busy with school and work. But at this point I'm depressed now and don't even know what to think of this anymore or of what to do.
 
For what it is worth, she did reply. She says she's been busy with school and work.

Of course she did. More stuff people say when they don't know how to be plain. The proof is in the long run. Will she suddenly become a great texter when her homework is done? When she is done with work for the day? Next week? Next month? The proof is what happens in the long run.

The question for you is: Why are you falling into depression about this woman? She hasn't been in your life since forever and suddenly her opinion means the world to you? Suddenly she has the power to take over your life and turn it into a depression? There's a lot more going on here than her response or lack of response. What is your history with placing so very much importance on someone else's opinion? Depressed is a big deal - it's a lot more than simply being disappointed and moving onto other wonderful people. Why the depression? You'll get a lot more out of looking into why you place such importance on this than you will by wondering what she's thinking or not thinking. If you can fall into depression over this, there's something a lot deeper going on in you than mere disappointment.
 
For what it is worth, she did reply. She says she's been busy with school and work. But at this point I'm depressed now and don't even know what to think of this anymore or of what to do.

It really hurts to be ghosted! It's happened to me again and again, and more in recent years than a while ago. I think it's so common now, with cyber chat. I just hate it. So you have my sympathies.

All I can say is, try and expect rejection and try not to take it personally. Dating is hard!!!
 
Hi bunni,

I'm very sorry that she stopped texting you. Honestly, it seems to me that she is trying to tell you that she's no longer interested, without actually saying it. If she texts you, you can text back, but don't be the first one to text, and don't reply to her texts with much longer texts from you. Put as much (or as little) effort into it as she does. And in the meantime, resume your search for other interested people -- people who are sincerely interested.

I know this is hard! Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It really hurts to be ghosted! It's happened to me again and again, and more in recent years than a while ago. I think it's so common now, with cyber chat. I just hate it. So you have my sympathies.

All I can say is, try and expect rejection and try not to take it personally. Dating is hard!!!

Thank you for the kind words, you are right. I knew it came with the game, it's just the first time it really happens to me and it felt like it was going so well. At least now that I have broken my rejection-cherry, the next ones will be easier, right? :p
 
Put as much (or as little) effort into it as she does. And in the meantime, resume your search for other interested people -- people who are sincerely interested.

So true :( We are talking a teensy bit today but it feels like it's heading same direction -- she's going to ghost me again and so-on. For someone that doesn't have two kids like I do, she sure seems too "busy".. Its hard because I try to be understanding of people's situations but as FallenAngelina points out, I do have to look at it further down the line. If she's too busy for me now, she likely always will be.

I'm going to start looking around again. I'm not sure really where though.. Anybody have suggestions? :confused::(
 
Have you tried OKCupid?
 
Back
Top