How does NRE/falling in love NOT suppress sexual attraction to current partner?

T

Tulip

Member
So this is one of my main fears around being fully poly that I thought I would run by you guys for your perspective.

In summary, In the context of opening up a previously more or less monogamous relationship how does your attraction/NRE/falling in love with someone else NOT take away your attraction and passion for your primary partner?

To expand on the question – I have personally experienced and witnessed other people experience (including my own partner) my/their attraction to a current partner vanish when they have met someone else and fallen in love/had NRE. This phenomena would be best described by the feeling ‘it was gone’ (the attraction to current partner, the feeling of desiring them and wanting to have sex with them).

I have read a lot about polyamoury and have come across a lot of talk about how if the sexual attraction for the current partner fades it doesn’t mean you have to leave because you have other partners you can fulfil your sexual needs with. But what about if it’s because you have these other partners that you lose your sexual attraction to your current partner as they are now old news and boring compared to your new shiny thing? Also how does falling in love with someone else/being caught up in NRE NOT effect your attraction and desire to have sex with your already established partner?

I am struggling to understand how this moving away from the current partner in terms of sexual desire could NOT happen – it seems like a logical consequence to me but I presume there are people here who manage to maintain their attraction and sexual desire for the original partner whilst also enjoying the new partner/s and I am wondering how this works, how this is possible?
 
If anything, NRE makes me hornier and happier all around. That has always benefitted all my partners. I don't lose any interest in other partners.

I have no advice for how to make that happen. For me it just is.
 
Truth is, some people do have this tendency. Others, it seems to fuel their desire for all their partners. Both can be problematic. In the latter case, some people feel negatively about the overflow of passion for another person spilling into their relationship. They struggle to see that as personal or intimate.

Of course, you get people who are at the extreme end of this spectrum. There's a blog on here called The Best Life Yet by someone called Reverie. For me that was a classic example of an obviously monogamous person who used poly as a way of making up for having incompatible partners and undecided desires and goals.

For others, polyamory is absolutely the right structure for them but they have a natural tendency to tail off their sexual activity with established partners in NRE. They aren't suited to people who feel very hurt by this. They need partners who can ride that wave for as long as it lasts and they can do that because they are secure in the love and trust in their relationship. If you have reason to doubt your partner's commitment to your relationship, it will be near impossible to weather the storm that NRE can be.

Honestly, outside of picking compatible partners and encouraging healthy relationships,I can't think of a way to get people to change their tendencies. Perhaps introducing some boundaries and protocols around contact and quality time might help but it won't change how they think.
 
Tulip, you are addressing an aspect of what most poly newbies fear. Loss. You seem afraid that if you consent to B being fully poly, he will lose all interest in you, and instead only be interested in the new and shiny partner(s) he has NRE for.

This is a valid fear if you're dating a NRE addict. Many people are NRE addicts. Even monogamous people (or shall I say, those that practice monogamy). These people become serial daters, even serial marriers. Like some Hollywood stars in the tabloids or People magazine, they get off on the new hot sexy feelings, the getting to know you part, the compliments and the focus on what you have in common with the new partner.

Then some people who can afford it, get off on the social approval, attention, clothes shopping, flowers, decor, music and food choices and all the other stuff that goes into planning a wedding.

Once the honeymoon period is over, these NRE addicts lose interest in dating their partner, lose interest in sex, etc. If they hit some hardships in life with their new partner, they get needy, selfish, and don't offer support in return. Then they split up, and lather, rinse, repeat.

Does this describe B so far?

However, if one is truly poly, one does not fall out of love with a prior partner or lose interest in sex and dating and supporting each other. (Read Sex at Dawn.) Humans are fully capable of loving and desiring more than one partner. In fact, this capability is innate. But it takes a certain maturity and social awareness to practice it. It takes empathy. Self awareness. Good communication. Respect.

If a relationship is already failing, of course, it could end whether one is practicing monogamy or an Open relationship. "Relationship failing, add more people," is never a good idea.

Polyamory isn't just a feeling, it's a practice. And practice makes perfect. Hardly anyone is going to be able to correctly manage their NRE when they are new to polyamory.

Personally, I love and adore my nesting partner of 10 years, Pixi. I always desire time and sex with her. It doesn't matter if I've got a new hottie in my life or not. Sex with that person won't fulfill my desire for Pixi! I've got a strong libido and even enjoy double dipping: having sex with 2 different people in the course of 24 hours.

Of course, if Pixi is kind of off sex for a bit, as happens, having sex with another will take the edge off my discomfort somewhat. And it takes pressure off of her, to allow her to deal with whatever she's got going on that is distracting her from wanting sex with me. Sometimes knowing I am getting good sex elsewhere makes her feel less "duty" to give me sex, and actually increases her desire. Kind of a cool benefit of poly for us.

Anyway, I've blathered on long enough. I've given this topic lots of thought in the course of my poly life! lol
 
Magdlyn: Does this describe B so far?

He thinks having other partners will enhance our relationship and will not take away from his feelings for me and is adamant he is commited and I am being crazy and insecure in thinking any other way – but I’m not convinced because on the other hand he is a bit of a thrill seeker and has become unhappy in other relationships around the 3/4 year mark depsite them being open relationships. In a conversation recently has said that maybe it would be best if people just split up and changed partners every 3-5 years when the chemicals fade and the reality sets in of really getting to know a person and there good and bad points. So he says one thing and then freaks me out by saying other contradictory things which do nothing for my sense of security and safety in our relationship which is what I need to establish before I can trust him and let go if that makes sense? I know I need to create my own safety and security from within and I’m working on that but also need some sense of trust in him built by his actions. Mainly his actions are saying he is commited etc most of the time, but he throws me these curve balls that knock my confidence in him.

This is an issue that needs to form part of our discussions when they finally happen, I just wanted to get a feeling about how this works from people who were established poly. He has refused to have any discussions about non-mog since I put things on hold a few months ago as he thinks we should only be talking about non-mog issues if we are actually practicing it. Hopefully him reading a few poly articles that I have sent him will help him to understand that it is something that needs to be talked about before so we know what we are doing and have agreements in place so new unspoken about things aren’t being sprung upon me without warning. Any good articles on this are welcome if anyone knows any! :0)
 
It's completely untrue that "real poly" people never experience a wane in sex drive for established partners during NRE. Some most definitely do. Temporarily. And it picks up eventually and all is well again.

It would be shame to throw away an otherwise good relationship because you were told it always means they've fallen out of love with you.

Be careful of us "seasoned" people poisoning your mind with our horrible experiences.
 
Tulip said:
Magdlyn: Does this describe B so far?

He thinks having other partners will enhance our relationship and will not take away from his feelings for me, and is adamant he is committed, and I am being crazy and insecure in thinking any other way.
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He is actually calling you crazy? That's rude and lacks the maturity and empathy I mentioned earlier. He sounds like he just wants his own way, despite probably knowing you have abandonment issues. He doesn't care.

But I’m not convinced, because on the other hand he is a bit of a thrill seeker and has become unhappy in other relationships around the 3/4 year mark despite them being open relationships.
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Thrill seeker=NRE addict. Mmhm.

In a conversation recently he said that maybe it would be best if people just split up and changed partners every 3-5 years when the chemicals fade and the reality sets in of really getting to know a person, and finding their good and bad points. So he says one thing and then freaks me out by saying other contradictory things which do nothing for my sense of security and safety in our relationship. That is what I need to establish before I can trust him and let go, if that makes sense?
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It makes sense. He sounds like he is gaslighting you, keeping you guessing by contradicting himself, attempting to get you to question your own sanity and memory.

Everyone has "bad" points. No one is perfect. That's part of long term relationships, loving someone despite knowing their flaws. He just wants the fun, sexy, rose colored glasses phase of NRE.


I know I need to create my own safety and security from within, and I’m working on that, but I also need some sense of trust in him built by his actions. Mainly his actions are saying he is committed etc., most of the time, but he throws me these curve balls that knock out my confidence in him.
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That is understandably upsetting.

This is an issue that needs to form part of our discussions, when they finally happen. I just wanted to get a feeling about how this works from people who were established poly. He has refused to have any discussions about non-monogamy since I put things on hold a few months ago, as he thinks we should only be talking about non-monogamy issues if we are actually practicing it.
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Excuse me, but that's bullshit. Everyone who is serious about being poly, about practicing a lovestyle that includes the knowledge and joyful consent of all members, knows that it can take a lot of prior work to get to a point where the whole dynamic is effortless. If he's all loosey goosey, he is going to lose you as you wallow in loneliness and mistrust and fear. And sorry, but it sounds to me from what you said, like that's what he wants.

Hopefully him reading a few poly articles that I have sent him will help him to understand that it is something that needs to be talked about before, so we know what we are doing and have agreements in place, so new unspoken about things aren’t being sprung upon me without warning. Any good articles on this are welcome, if anyone knows any! :0)
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Eh. I don't know if he's at all interested in articles or discussions. From what you said, he just wants to "cat around."
 
I'm something of an NRE junkie and what Mags describes is something they do when trying to be monogamous. Through poly I have found I don't have to be that way.

You are not crazy for feeling insecure. It sounds like he is giving you reason to be. If someone told me they think people should break up after a few years, I would plan for that happening. Not someone I would count on having a long term relationship with.
 
I agree Magdlyn that he does have issues with empathy. I think because he thinks he would be fine if I went off and had other relationships he thinks I should be like that too and gets frustrated when I need to work on things he thinks come naturally to him. I say ‘thinks’ as to be honest, if I went off and had a full on relationship with someone I am not sure he would be as robust about it as he thinks he is (based on various things about him).

And yes, I also feel gaslit at times but I don’t think he is doing it intentionally I just think he does struggle with the empathy, gets frustrated and says stupid things because if I challenge him about it carefully (I say carefully as he is also very defensive so I have to phrase everything carefully and pick my timing well which is frustrating for me and hard work) he will usually acknowledge that he is being a dick and try to understand/take on board what I am saying and change/accomodate me. The thing is I cant always respond to these types of things straight away as I am usually hurt which either shuts me down as I need to process before responding or I react in a style he doesn’t like and he shuts the conversation down, I guess I must react in a way he finds confrontational or something and he doesn’t like it, but I’m not shouting or anything, to me I am trying to clarify what he is actually saying/meaning but obviously he feels attacked in some way. I have offered to examine my communication style so I don’t have to walk around for days or weeks with hurts and issues bubbling away until the exact right moment appears were he is receptive to a conversation about it, but as yet that hasn’t happened – I will make it part of our non-mog conversations going forward.

And yes too, he does just mainly want the sexy fun bits, certainly of relationships outside our own. He does support me in lots of ways too though so its not all about sex and fun but he needs a good helping of that for him to be happy in a relationship – I do wonder sometimes how he would get on in really hard times in a relationship and then other times I feel trusting of him as he does so much for me. I can’t work him out sometimes.

He is more polysexual than polyamorous really (you made the distinction in another thread) but he also wants the opportunity to have relationships that are more than just swinging so he can exchange sexy, flirty texts etc and stay overnight with other women. Maybe more a friends with benefits style would suit him outside our relationship. I am more polyamorous in that I prefer to have an emotional connection before sex and if I am going to be non-monogamous then polyamory is more appealing to me than swinging/FWB as it would be the relationship in its entirety that I would find fulfilling rather than just the sex and fun aspect of it.
 
Thanks for the validation vinsanity0 - yes, I would like to feel relaxed into a long term partnership not wondering whether I should be planning for his departure after him always having talked long term about our relationship for the last 4 years. I'm sure we will work it out in the end!
 
Tulip said:
And yes, I also feel gaslit at times but I don’t think he is doing it intentionally I just think he does struggle with the empathy, gets frustrated and says stupid things because if I challenge him about it carefully (I say carefully as he is also very defensive so I have to phrase everything carefully and pick my timing well which is frustrating for me and hard work) he will usually acknowledge that he is being a dick and try to understand/take on board what I am saying and change/accomodate me. The thing is I cant always respond to these types of things straight away as I am usually hurt which either shuts me down as I need to process before responding or I react in a style he doesn’t like and he shuts the conversation down, I guess I must react in a way he finds confrontational or something and he doesn’t like it, but I’m not shouting or anything, to me I am trying to clarify what he is actually saying/meaning but obviously he feels attacked in some way. I have offered to examine my communication style so I don’t have to walk around for days or weeks with hurts and issues bubbling away until the exact right moment appears were he is receptive to a conversation about it, but as yet that hasn’t happened – I will make it part of our non-mog conversations going forward...

I can’t work him out sometimes.
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It sounds like you're walking on eggshells most of the time, days or weeks at a time. It seems like red flags to me. Like, he love bombed you at first, but now he is talking word salad, and gaslighting, making communication difficult. Then you're just blaming yourself. And eventually it will get to be too much, and you'll either become a completely flattened doormat, or get tired of it all, and leave him. Either way, he can tell himself he is in the right to treat you this way, and go on to the next new relationship, where he will start his process over again.

If this sounds like it makes sense, you may be dealing with a narcissist.
 
Hi Tulip,

In my experience, NRE differs in how it affects different people. Some people it makes them lose interest in their original/existing partners. Other people it makes them gain interest in general in all of their partners. It just depends on the individual.

I don't know if you have read the book, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. If you haven't, I strongly recommend that you do so. Actually I recommend that you and B read it together. It has questions for the both of you to answer, asking you what kind of open/poly/non-mog you would prefer. Excellent book in general. Not a hard read.

I have to say, honestly? that B does not sound like the kind of guy you can trust. Especially when he says that maybe it would be best if people just split up and changed partners every 3-5 years when the chemicals fade and the reality sets in of really getting to know a person and their good and bad points. This statement of his does not inspire confidence. Or maybe it does allow you to trust him, it just tells you *what* you can trust him to do. You can trust him to split up with you after 3-5 years. And this is something he'll do even if he doesn't get the non-mog that he wants. :( Hopefully I'm wrong about that. You did say he supports you in many ways.

Anyway those are my thoughts ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You know, what he said about 3-5 years sounds like he's saying that he hasn't had any highly compatible partners thus after the NRE period (which can be up to 2 years) and/or when you move towards living together, the incompatibility becomes overwhelming and leads to the end of the relationship. That's around 3-5 years.

Honestly, don't ruin this relationship by accusing this guy of being abusive or a narcissist or any of these words that are carelessly thrown around to speak about relationships that didn't work out.
 
Tulip said:
I have offered to examine my communication style so I don’t have to walk around for days or weeks with hurts and issues bubbling away until the exact right moment appears were he is receptive to a conversation about it, but as yet that hasn’t happened – I will make it part of our non-mog conversations going forward.
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You both need to examine your communication style. Neither of you are coming from clarity, you're both dancing all around whatever you need and what you need to say. "Walking on eggshells" is something that happens when both people are not able to be clear.
 
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