How I got into polyamory

Isaiah990

Member
I used to be a hardcore supporter of monogamy. Ever since I was a kid though, I wanted more than one woman. I had a crush on Velma from Scooby Doo then Daphne. Finally, I thought it was best to just like both of them lol. I also wanted to go to Japan and impress Japanese women.

As I got older though, I became an extreme supporter of monogamy. I was completely against any non-monogamous relationship. I thought people who were non-monogamous were the scum of the earth. They weren't serious about relationships so they shouldn't be taken seriously. They disgusted me. I thought I was better than them. I took monogamous relationships very seriously. I chased women very aggressively.

Nonetheless, I slowly realized I wanted monogamy for the wrong reasons. When I was a teen, I wanted a monogamous relationship to control my partner. This stemmed from my traumatic childhood. Underneath it all, I had a lot of insecurities. There was a more dangerous side to me. If my girlfriend cheated on me, I felt I would probably kill her and the other man in a rage. Therapy helped to process a lot of unhealed trauma so I resolved a lot of emotional problems.

I began exploring my sexuality more. I'm a hardcore Christian. I grew up in a strong Christian community where monogamy was seen as the norm. Anything outside of monogamy was seen as sinful. I researched the Bible thoroughly and found things such as masturbation along with pre-marital sex were not sins. I also realized people like King David and Solomon were polygamous. That struck me as very odd. I thought "why are Christians preaching polyamory is a sin, but no one's condemning people who had polygamous marriages in the Bible?" Some objected and said "we do! They sinned!", but couldn't give any Scripture that explicitly forbade polygamy. God also did not punish them for it either.

I started exploring polyamory by having talks with family and friends. I was very close-minded at first. I thought monogamy was the only way to have a stable relationship. Recently though, I began having tons of questions. I began to rethink my approach to relationships. Why am i monogamous? How do I know monogamy is the only way? What if there's a better way? How do we know there's such a thing as the "right one"? How do we know the right one will make us happy? I had exes who were single moms. If I was willing to accept their kids and accept they had exes, what would be wrong in accepting polyamorous relationships?

I did more research and I was surprised to find humans aren't hardwired for monogamy. For many centuries, people were polygamous. Monogamy is a recent modern invention. I was also surprised polyamory was not just about sex. There's rules to it just like there are rules in monogamy.

Eventually, I did the unthinkable. I decided i might do better getting to know many women before picking one to form a relationship with one. Surprisingly, It worked. When I focused on just one woman, I felt very anxious. I obsessed over her. When I was with many women, I felt less anxious and more relaxed. I was in a much better mood. It was easier for me to reject women if they didn't fit my standards when I had other women around me. We flirted, sexted, and had a good time.

While I developed a more healthy view of relationships later, I felt like monogamy was an obligation rather than something I wanted. I did not want to a relationship that had a "have to" mindset. I wanted to love and be in a relationship of my own will with the person I loved one. I realized though people are not one dimensional. They have different sides of themselves. Some women were afraid of intimacy, but very sexual. Others were emotionally intimate, but not very sexual. I had to ask myself honestly "if my wife was almost perfect but couldn't make me happy in certain areas, could I live with that?" The answer was "no." I would break up eventually. In fact, I almost always wondered what it would be like to be with other women in every monogamous relationship I've been in.

That's what got me interested in polyamory. I loved beautiful skinny and curvy women. I loved women with tattoos and others without. I loved women of different races. I don't want to live life not knowing what it's like to be with women who have these features. That kind of life is sad. I also loved how relationships in polyamory were very flexible. If someone can't meet all of your needs, you can agree to fulfill unmet needs elsewhere in polyamory without breaking up. You can't do that with a monogamous mindset. I realized there might be a way to make everyone happy without having to go through break-up after break-up just to find someone you're content with.
 

grant37

New member
You have a lot of reading/audio books ahead of you. I think others will post references. I've done a lot myself, I think I'm emotionally and mentally there, but my partner really can't see it. Good luck!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Isaiah,

You have realized that there can be certain ways in which monogamy can have a downside. This is a realization that not many people have, so I send you kudos for it. Polyamory has a lot of potential positives, the one key ingredient is mutual consent. If everyone involved knows it is poly, and consents to it as such, then it should not be considered a problem, as it isn't hurting anyone.

And I agree with you, Velma and Daphne are both hot! :)
Kevin T.
 

Isaiah990

Member
Hi Isaiah,

You have realized that there can be certain ways in which monogamy can have a downside. This is a realization that not many people have, so I send you kudos for it. Polyamory has a lot of potential positives, the one key ingredient is mutual consent. If everyone involved knows it is poly, and consents to it as such, then it should not be considered a problem, as it isn't hurting anyone.

And I agree with you, Velma and Daphne are both hot! :)
Kevin T.
I think I was fooled by the Hollywood fantasy of love. I believed one person could make me happy. I realized it's unrealistic to expect your partner to fulfill all of your needs. If he or she has boundaries that conflict with your interests, there's not much you can do. Sometimes, partners can't fulfill your needs because of outside circumstances. What if work is ruining your love life? You could invest less in work, but then you'll have other problems in the relationship.

People told me all the pain of failed relationships will be worth it, but I questioned it. No matter how successful a relationship is, there comes a point when I will have to work to overcome boredom and keep the passion alive. Do I really want to break up 10 times before I finally find a relationship I'm just content with?

I thought I'd be very jealous of my partner getting in relationships with others. When I really thought about it, I wouldn't be. One reason is because my partner is honest enough to admit she wants to see other people which builds trust. Another reason is it's easy for me to get along with everyone. If I like my partner's partners, I don't see why I would get jealous.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Right, jealousy is an optional part of any relationship ... Monogamy kind of makes it mandatory, but it doesn't have to be that way.
 

Isaiah990

Member
Right, jealousy is an optional part of any relationship ... Monogamy kind of makes it mandatory, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Why do you think jealousy is common in monogamous relationships? What do you think can be done about it?

I find it disturbing how common jealousy is in monogamous relationships and how dangerous it can be. People can act violently and destructive when they're jealous. In many countries, people kill anyone they suspect is trying to "steal" their partners based on insecurities and jealousy. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I gave my last ex my Facebook account when we were dating. She was very anxious, paranoid, and jealous. It got to a point where she unblocked all of the women i blocked and read our conversations haha. She was checking to see if i was cheating on her.

We need to stop seeing jealousy as "love." It's the opposite. It's rooted in fear of losing someone and mistrust.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Jealousy is like a protective/preventative measure against polyamory. On a very deep level, monogamists are so terrified of polyamory that they think they have to be jealous in order to make it stop. Another man kissed *my* wife? I'll punch his lights out! Thus polyamory is staved off, and all is well with the world once again. The wife sees the punching out of the man she was crushing on as a courageous declaration of love. She is impressed by her husband's show of physical superiority, and thus is more inclined to bear his children. The only way to change this dynamic is to admit that monogamy isn't the only kind of morally sound relationship. People must stop fearing polyamory, and start embracing it. In polyamory, jealousy is completely unnecessary. It's only necessary in monogamy because that's the only way to stave polyamory off.
 

Isaiah990

Member
Jealousy is like a protective/preventative measure against polyamory. On a very deep level, monogamists are so terrified of polyamory that they think they have to be jealous in order to make it stop. Another man kissed *my* wife? I'll punch his lights out! Thus polyamory is staved off, and all is well with the world once again. The wife sees the punching out of the man she was crushing on as a courageous declaration of love. She is impressed by her husband's show of physical superiority, and thus is more inclined to bear his children. The only way to change this dynamic is to admit that monogamy isn't the only kind of morally sound relationship. People must stop fearing polyamory, and start embracing it. In polyamory, jealousy is completely unnecessary. It's only necessary in monogamy because that's the only way to stave polyamory off.
Very true. "Another man kissed 'my' wife? I'll punch his lights out!" :LOL::ROFLMAO: It baffles my mind and surprises me how husbands are so quick to punish the men having affairs with their wives, but they don't punish their wives. I think it's because they don't believe their wives are equal to them in terms of responsibility and status. It's pretty toxic.

The high cheating rates made me realize people are secretly polyamorous and they're not as monogamous as they'd like to believe. That's why we need to evaluate what we really need in a relationship in order to prevent cheating. People usually don't do that. They tend to suppress their needs and base choices on what other people think is right for them.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I fell in love with a married woman. Rather than divorce her husband (or turn me away), she decided to do some research, and find out if there were any better options. This is how we discovered that there was such a thing as polyamory (and polyfidelity), it was the first time we heard of the word. Thus began our journey into poly; a year later, the three of us joined together, and started our life together as a poly-fi V.
 

Isaiah990

Member
I fell in love with a married woman. Rather than divorce her husband (or turn me away), she decided to do some research, and find out if there were any better options. This is how we discovered that there was such a thing as polyamory (and polyfidelity), it was the first time we heard of the word. Thus began our journey into poly; a year later, the three of us joined together, and started our life together as a poly-fi V.
It reminds me of a situation that happened to me in the past. I had an affair with a married woman. I think that was one of the first times I realized I was not monogamous. I never felt the need to steal her away from her man.

She knew how to care for my emotional needs. She was empathetic and beautiful. As beautiful and great as she was, I still wasn't satisfied with her completely. There was nothing about her that made me want to have sex with her lol. I also disliked her drinking habits and cursing. This is the issue with monogamy. People claim you should be content with the person you're committed to, but I disagree. You should strive to be as fulfilled as you can be even if it means going polyamorous.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
One person cannot be everything another person needs, that's why we have poly, so if you have anything about your committed partner that you're not satisfied with, you can go out and find a second partner (who will fulfill that point of dissatisfaction for you).
 
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