How important is it for you to be physically attracted to your partners?

[YesThisIsDog242]

This is a somewhat hypothetical question, but also something I’ve felt shame about in the past, so I’d like more perspectives.

(Skip this paragraph if you don’t care for personal context.) I’ve found myself finding it important lately that I find my (hypothetical) romantic partners to also be someone I find sexually attractive. To the point where I feel fear at the prospect of dating someone that I don’t find physically attractive. My best guess is that I’m scared of feeling obligated to have sex with a romantic partner I’m not sexually attracted to, and also feeling some excitement out of feeling “crazy” about someone in that way. It helps to even type this out.

That all being said, the question: How important is it to you to be physically attracted to your partners? Including your personal definition of physical attraction is encouraged and would be appreciated.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi YTID,

If someone is not physically attractive to me, there is a word for the kind of relationship I can have with them, it is called friends. I don't have an articulable definition of what's attractive to me, there is a range of looks that I might find attractive. There are also people I wasn't attracted to in the beginning, but an attraction grew over time especially if their personality was attractive. On the other side of the same coin, there are people I was attracted to at first, but over time I was repulsed, as their personality was repulsive and especially if they were cruel towards me. I'm kind of getting off track here, but yes if I am going to consider a romantic/sexual relationship with someone, physical attraction is a must.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

This is a somewhat hypothetical question, but also something I’ve felt shame about in the past, so I’d like more perspectives.

(Skip this paragraph if you don’t care for personal context.) I’ve found myself finding it important lately that I find my (hypothetical) romantic partners to also be someone I find sexually attractive. To the point where I feel fear at the prospect of dating someone that I don’t find physically attractive. My best guess is that I’m scared of feeling obligated to have sex with a romantic partner I’m not sexually attracted to, and also feeling some excitement out of feeling “crazy” about someone in that way. It helps to even type this out.

That all being said, the question: How important is it to you to be physically attracted to your partners? Including your personal definition of physical attraction is encouraged and would be appreciated.

I find it curious that you'd be asking this question. Adults have sex drives. That is what allows our species to continue. Adult mammals, birds, reptiles, fish, bugs, we all have sex drives. There's this thing about life on earth. It is caused by sexual reproduction.

So, of course, when choosing a mate, animals choose partners they find sexually attractive. This is plain biology.

Some people will fuck anything with a pulse. Others are more picky.

Some people have little to no sex drive. Their desire may be permanently absent, or it might have gradually waned due to hormone changes, ill physical health, addiction, depression, or whatever. They might identify as asexual or greysexual. Men might have ED. Women may be anorgasmic. They might choose partners based on feeling romantic but not sexual. Or they might just feel emotionally intimate with someone, and not even romantic. Or they may choose not to date at all. But these folks, if younger, are unusual.

It can happen that older people might feel non-sexual, for a time, or pretty much permanently.

Some women do not feel sexual unless they are ovulating. Some new parents are so exhausted, all they need is rest and food. They have no energy for a sexual drive.

So, yes. It's normal to desire your partner. Now, your partner encouraging, appreciating, and returning your desire can be a tricky one. Desire for one's committed partner can wax and wane.

Feel free to add more details about what's really going on for you.

Were you raised in a high-control group (cult) with a purity culture, where you were taught having a libido was sinful, masturbation was not allowed, pre-marital sex of any kind was a sin? Sometimes if these messages are abusively drummed into you as a kid/teen, you can have MAJOR trouble enjoying sex, even after marriage. You mention feeling shame around sex.

You also don't have any partners, but you're feeling weird around desiring anyone you might potentially date? Sex is so basic. Craving sex, once your need for food, shelter and rest are met, is the most natural thing in the world. Sex can be a world of beauty, pleasure, bonding, joy and bliss.

If you're with someone you are not attracted to, you have autonomy. You don't have to share your body with them. And if there's been no desire, you for them, them for you, for a while, you might not be compatible for a long-term relationship. You have the right to break up with them, switch to just being exes, or maybe platonic friends.

Why are you asking for a definition of what sexual attraction even feels like? Has yours been so tainted and warped, you don't even know what this is?

 

[Tinwen]

Yes, it's important, although it's not the end all be all - I will not necessarily choose the hottest man as partner, personality, and the kind of attention they give me, plays a big role.

Straightforward attraction based on looks is rather rare for me. I'm kinda first sight attracted to the long-dark-hair, dark eyes deep voice kinda guy, especially if they are clever and in the position of teaching something , and nowadays I can also appreciate nice muscle (didn't, when I was very young}, but none of my partners ever looked that way.
I have other types as well where the attraction feels less sexual, more like sympathies and instant trust, which may be closer to who I end up choosing - or who end up choosing me

As Kevin has noted, one of the rare "omg hot" guys could become instantly repulsive based on what they say, while attraction could be discovered with someone who was not my type based on looks only - based on a combination of attention, personality traits I admire, and "chemistry". Somehow the subconscious smell-based thing can't be left out. With one of my previous partners, I had those initial sympathies and even NRE, but somehow the chemistry/arousal wasn't there as strongly, and it played a role in me evntually getting bored.

I find it odd that you feel guilt about not wanting a partner that's not attractive to you. Most people would not even consider such a thing. Sexual attraction is part of what brings future partners together.

There's value in trying out some comfortable level of intimacy with people who aren't your type and maybe are even repulsive at first sight, esp. in settings where it's understood that exploration is what you are doing, like tantric seminars. You gain some self-knowledge and may overcome some bias and unnecessary barriers. But there's no point in keeping a sexual connection that isn't 'right' for you.

 

[YesThisIsDog242]

I find it curious that you'd be asking this question. Adults have sex drives. That is what allows our species to continue. Adult mammals, birds, reptiles, fish, bugs, we all have sex drives. There's this thing about life on earth. It is caused by sexual reproduction.

So, of course, when choosing a mate, animals choose partners they find sexually attractive. This is plain biology.

Some people will fuck anything with a pulse. Others are more picky.

Some people have little to no sex drive. Their desire may be permanently absent, or it might have gradually waned due to hormone changes, ill physical health, addiction, depression, or whatever. They might identify as asexual or greysexual. Men might have ED. Women may be anorgasmic. They might choose partners based on feeling romantic but not sexual. Or they might just feel emotionally intimate with someone, and not even romantic. Or they may choose not to date at all. But these folks, if younger, are unusual.

It can happen that older people might feel non-sexual, for a time, or pretty much permanently.

Some women do not feel sexual unless they are ovulating. Some new parents are so exhausted, all they need is rest and food. They have no energy for a sexual drive.

So, yes. It's normal to desire your partner. Now, your partner encouraging, appreciating, and returning your desire can be a tricky one. Desire for one's committed partner can wax and wane.

Feel free to add more details about what's really going on for you.

Were you raised in a high-control group (cult) with a purity culture, where you were taught having a libido was sinful, masturbation was not allowed, pre-marital sex of any kind was a sin? Sometimes if these messages are abusively drummed into you as a kid/teen, you can have MAJOR trouble enjoying sex, even after marriage. You mention feeling shame around sex.

You also don't have any partners, but you're feeling weird around desiring anyone you might potentially date? Sex is so basic. Craving sex, once your need for food, shelter and rest are met, is the most natural thing in the world. Sex can be a world of beauty, pleasure, bonding, joy and bliss.

If you're with someone you are not attracted to, you have autonomy. You don't have to share your body with them. And if there's been no desire, you for them, them for you, for a while, you might not be compatible for a long-term relationship. You have the right to break up with them, switch to just being exes, or maybe platonic friends.

Why are you asking for a definition of what sexual attraction even feels like? Has yours been so tainted and warped, you don't even know what this is?

Damn Mags, you went hard with this

I like your questions. I tend to like to excavate myself and my past a lot, so I got a few factors that have likely shaped my insecurities and difficult feelings around sex like fear, disgust, shame, etc:

- Childhood sexual abuse/assault: I'm not sure if it counts as abuse since it happened once, but I was sexually assaulted by a childhood friend on a playdate where no adults were around to stop anything. Really only started taking it seriously emotionally about a year ago, and that's helped. But it definitely has and still somewhat does heighten my fear of others when they're physically attracted to me.

- Religious Trauma: I was never part of a high-control cult, but I did internalize a lot of the self-shame and guilt that can come with christianity. I can't remember any hard lessons about sexuality, but sex was treated as something that was often sinful unless you did it in a very narrow context. None of that helps for sure.

- Gay person: Tied into the last one, but turns out growing up gay and not knowing that's okay can really mess with you psychologically. I remember feeling a huge, constant amount of shame about my sexual attractions during high school and early college. Also, hookup apps have impacted my view of sex in a way that doesn't feel congruent with my needs. Been engaging in those less.

- Being neurodivergent: I got the fun combo deal of ADHD and autism which I've learned does have an impact on how my sexuality and sexual attraction presents itself. Fun fact: Autistic people are much more likely to engage in kink play than allistic folks. There's definitely parts of my sexual experience that feel unusual and therefore "wrong". Additionally, a lifelong experience of masking often makes it harder to tune into my bodily needs.

- Vulnerable to shame: I've sometimes seen people complain about how others are shallow for caring about physical looks, and I have a fear of feeding into something like that myself. Even typing this out right now is making me think "I don't want to mold myself to make other people happy."

- "Grass is greener" mentality: The two people I've dated in the past have definitely been physically attractive to me, but I've never dated one of the guys that I've seen as especially "my type", so I think there's a desire to see what it's like to do so.

- Past of people pleasing: I've made a lot of good strides with this, but I have done things I didn't want to do to please people in my past. Those past experiences have damaged my trust in advocating for myself. I'd like to update this one internally since I've been very proud of how I've been advocating my needs lately.

------------

Actually, the reason I'm asking about sexual attraction is to learn how other people experience it because I've learned that it's much more variable than I previously thought. I've found it's helped me feel less shame around my own sexual desires and put less pressure on myself to be seen as sexually attractive. A few of your writings about your sexual experiences with others have been helpful to me as you've described the variety of how people show up in the bedroom.

 

[YesThisIsDog242]

Yes, it's important, although it's not the end all be all - I will not necessarily choose the hottest man as partner, personality, and the kind of attention they give me, plays a big role.

Straightforward attraction based on looks is rather rare for me. I'm kinda first sight attracted to the long-dark-hair, dark eyes deep voice kinda guy, especially if they are clever and in the position of teaching something , and nowadays I can also appreciate nice muscle (didn't, when I was very young}, but none of my partners ever looked that way.
I have other types as well where the attraction feels less sexual, more like sympathies and instant trust, which may be closer to who I end up choosing - or who end up choosing me

As Kevin has noted, one of the rare "omg hot" guys could become instantly repulsive based on what they say, while attraction could be discovered with someone who was not my type based on looks only - based on a combination of attention, personality traits I admire, and "chemistry". Somehow the subconscious smell-based thing can't be left out. With one of my previous partners, I had those initial sympathies and even NRE, but somehow the chemistry/arousal wasn't there as strongly, and it played a role in me evntually getting bored.

I find it odd that you feel guilt about not wanting a partner that's not attractive to you. Most people would not even consider such a thing. Sexual attraction is part of what brings future partners together.

There's value in trying out some comfortable level of intimacy with people who aren't your type and maybe are even repulsive at first sight, esp. in settings where it's understood that exploration is what you are doing, like tantric seminars. You gain some self-knowledge and may overcome some bias and unnecessary barriers. But there's no point in keeping a sexual connection that isn't 'right' for you.

This was really helpful. Thanks for sharing your perspective

 

[Magdlyn]

Damn Mags, you went hard with this

I'm sorry if it upset you! I like to talk about sex; it's one of my favorite topics. Lots of people would rather do it than talk about it, admit their desires, analyze biases, etc. I think it's possible to have a much more fulfilling sex life if we examine it, read about it, talk about it with our friends, and especially our partners.

I like your questions. I tend to like to excavate myself and my past a lot, so I got a few factors that have likely shaped my insecurities and difficult feelings around sex like fear, disgust, shame, etc.:

- Childhood sexual abuse/assault: I'm not sure if it counts as abuse since it happened once, but I was sexually assaulted by a childhood friend on a playdate where no adults were around to stop anything. Really only started taking it seriously emotionally about a year ago, and that's helped. But it definitely has and still somewhat does heighten my fear of others when they're physically attracted to me.

- Religious trauma: I was never part of a high-control cult, but I did internalize a lot of the self-shame and guilt that can come with christianity. I can't remember any hard lessons about sexuality, but sex was treated as something that was often sinful unless you did it in a very narrow context. None of that helps for sure.

- Gay person: Tied into the last one, but turns out growing up gay and not knowing that's okay can really mess with you psychologically. I remember feeling a huge, constant amount of shame about my sexual attractions during high school and early college. Also, hookup apps have impacted my view of sex in a way that doesn't feel congruent with my needs. Been engaging in those less.

- Being neurodivergent: I got the fun combo deal of ADHD and autism which I've learned does have an impact on how my sexuality and sexual attraction presents itself. Fun fact: Autistic people are much more likely to engage in kink play than allistic folks. There's definitely parts of my sexual experience that feel unusual and therefore "wrong". Additionally, a lifelong experience of masking often makes it harder to tune into my bodily needs.

- Vulnerable to shame: I've sometimes seen people complain about how others are shallow for caring about physical looks, and I have a fear of feeding into something like that myself. Even typing this out right now is making me think "I don't want to mold myself to make other people happy."

- "Grass is greener" mentality: The two people I've dated in the past have definitely been physically attractive to me, but I've never dated one of the guys that I've seen as especially "my type", so I think there's a desire to see what it's like to do so.

- Past of people pleasing: I've made a lot of good strides with this, but I have done things I didn't want to do to please people in my past. Those past experiences have damaged my trust in advocating for myself. I'd like to update this one internally since I've been very proud of how I've been advocating my needs lately.

Great detailed list! Any one of these would make an interesting thread of its own. Readers of this thread could take any one that they have been personally damaged by, and are now dealing with, and share their experiences.

I have a current interest in cults, high-control groups. As a feminist witch, Christian-based cults especially chap my ass. There are good solid YouTube channels dedicated to ex-Mormons in particular, and one (Cults to Consciousness) while run by an ex-Mormon woman, also interviews survivors of all kinds of cults. The whole cult-control criminal culture is so very infuriating, horrifying and sad-- the Duggars (ILBP cult), FLDS (polygynous Mormons), etc.

But of course, regular old garden variety Southern Baptist is terrible too. Ugh.

(I've also read tons of books on the history of religions in general, going back to ancient civilizations.)

I was raised in a pretty strict Lutheran church by parents who were closet atheists, and were having me and my sister brainwashed to please my mother's mother and father. Luckily it didn't affect my sex ed. and autonomy as much as it might have. Being in a generally patriarchal culture took care of that, but it could have been worse. My parents confessed their atheism to me and my sister once we were confirmed at age 13, and we left the church. Yay.

I am pansexual, non-binary and polyamorous, but I did live in a long monogamous hetero marriage for way too long. However, I've been free of that for quite a while now. I never felt guilt around my kinkiness, or desire for genders other than (but including) male. I was made to feel evil for being polyamorous though, for quite some time. It took me a while to bloom into my real sexuality because I had a deep desire to be a mom, but once my kids were older teens I was able to focus on myself.

I'm asking about sexual attraction to learn how other people experience it because I've learned that it's much more variable than I previously thought. I've found it's helped me feel less shame around my own sexual desires and put less pressure on myself to be seen as sexually attractive. A few of your writings about your sexual experiences with others have been helpful to me as you've described the variety of how people show up in the bedroom.

I think it's important to be well-groomed and to take care of one's health. It's good for you to be clean and in shape. And those things will make you feel and look more attractive. I like to look good, have a decent wardrobe of well-kept clothes, fix my hair nicely, keep up with my dental care, and so on. It pleases me. And if it pleases others, that's fine too. But you're never going to please everyone. And it's not necessary to do so!

 

[Tinwen]

Experience and community does help with shame - especially concerning the kink part. Presumably the gay part too, but I don't know about that personally.

 

[Magdlyn]

I’ve found myself finding it important lately that I find my romantic partners to be someone I find sexually attractive, to the point where I feel fear at the prospect of dating someone that I don’t find physically attractive. My best guess is that I’m scared of feeling obligated to have sex with a romantic partner I’m not sexually attracted to...

... How important is it to you to be physically attracted to your partners?

So, my dissertation aside, was all of this part just about being a gay guy, and fearing you'll be forced into a marriage with a woman? Are you in danger of that?

 

[YesThisIsDog242]

So, my dissertation aside, was all of this part just about being a gay guy, and fearing you'll be forced into a marriage with a woman? Are you in danger of that?

Naaaah, I'm fine Just been feeling extra self-conscious about my sexual and romantic desires lately and thought y'all might provide some helpful insight (which you did). Thanks for all the answers so far!