How important is it that everyone be friends?

purpledreamer said:
I can't be with him, if he is in a relationship where one partner is feeling hurt every time he sees me. I feel I have some kind of moral responsibility also to not do this.
Or is the responsibility really HIS? I guess I always have the responsibility to myself to do what I feel is right.
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Looks like you've answered your own question. Ultimately, you have to do what will make you happy and healthy over the long haul. Moments of joy will not sustain you if you are overwhelmed by moments of pain, as well. The balance has to be tipped, in my opinion. Eventually any pain, uncertainty and fear have to diminish in any relationship, in my opinion. How could it be healthy otherwise? Comfort but not complacency.
 
I went through trying to deal with the possibility that she could just declare monogamy on a whim and it'd be all over. I couldn't deal, which is why I came up with rules outlining what I can and can't deal with in a relationship, and if someone can't deal with that, or there's some conflict with the terms their partner has in order for her to feel secure, well then, we can be friends, but we can't have a romantic or sexual relationship at this point in time.

If she's showing this much uncertainty, I'd want to wait for a few weeks or months to see if she gets to a more stable point.
 
purpledreamer said:
I can't be with him, if he is in a relationship where one partner is feeling hurt every time he sees me. I feel I have some kind of moral responsibility also to not do this.
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Hi Dreamer,

I like and agree with where you seem to have settled on this. It's always a challenge when we sit back and connect to the concept that we're trying to live in a way where we bring the greatest good to those we interact with, and minimize any harm. Sometimes it seems we end up in a position of having to sacrifice our own wants and dreams for that to happen. That moral responsibility you speak of. It's often only much later-- months, years, that the pieces fall into place and we TRULY grasp what the real lesson and need was at a given point in time. But that's no consolation at the time. For me, I've discovered, like so many other things, it does get easier with practice. We seem to be faced with that dilemma more and more as we broaden out.

Best wishes,
GS
 
It is Important to me to be Friends

I have been in the unique relationship for almost 5 months now. It is very important to me that I am friends with his wife, because she is an important part of his life. I also am new to this. I really want it to work for all of us.

The other night we all went out to dinner. A more relaxed atmosphere helped all of us realize what the common ground was. His wife and I email and talk on the phone once in a while. I think he is getting more used to having a wife and a girlfriend, and the friendship we have begun to forge with each other.:)
 
TexasBorn21 said:
I have been in the unique relationship for almost 5 months now..And it is very important to me that I am friends with his wife, because She is an important part of his life also. I also am new to this, and I really want it to work for all of us..The other night we all went out to dinner, a more relaxed atmosphere helped all of us realize what the common ground was, His wife and I email and talk on the phone once in a while. I think He is getting more used to having a wife and a girlfriend and the friendship we have begun to forge with each other.:)
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TexasBorn21, I am very glad that it is working for you - sounds like there are some healthy lines of communication there - doesn't make the problems go away but it definitely makes them easier to resolve when they come up. I have certainly found that in my own experiences.
 
Feeling European

This was very brave, this share. What it sounds like, especially when you say his wife is getting used to him having a wife and a girlfriend, lets all be sophisticated about these relationships. What seems to happen is the male is getting all these 'perks' from this, much the way an old school typical European male has in his relationships. I must ponder all this to put it into words, because something just doesn't feel right, and yet I cannot put my finger on it.

Personally, I would play with the dude for awhile, and then make him pay, bigtime. And no regrets, because you shouldn't be treated like that.
 
Sometimes it isn't simply about sex, it's about intimacy. As long as he is with you, he is emotionally unavailable to her, and she has probably seen this, because body language doesn't lie.

I know I seem cynical in my replies. It's just that I am such a realist about stuff like this, plus I am older.
 
Hi everyone,

My relationship with IamWhoIam ended about 2 weeks ago as a result of all I have posted, about not getting resolved on their end, and other factors.

My SO decided to be dishonest with me, and continues to be dishonest with his primary gf, and he also chose to pursue a 4th sexual/intimate relationship while all this drama was going on. I would have thought he would choose to put his energy into working on the relationships he currently had, instead of starting up another, but I guess his new toy seemed like more fun than us old toys.

He also did a few things to show to me how little he cared about me, or our relationship. When I told him how unsure I was, he reacted with complete indifference to my feelings. It was all my fault, basically, and he shouldn't need to 'prove' anything. So basically, throughout the next week, he treated me with similar disinterest. Didn't make any effort to help me feel loved or supported. Just left me to be and deal with everything alone.

This was not a rewarding and supportive relationship for me, so I made the decision to end it, which was hard, as I love him so much. He now maintains that he does care for me a lot. But it seems that he only ever wants to show this when I've pulled away or tried to end things. I'm not sure if he only wants me now because he can't have me. I guess it makes no difference anyway. as I'm moving on with my life.

I hope to maintain a friendship with him, as he really is an amazing person. I've got a lot of forgiveness to do, though. I'm feeling very hurt and let down.

I don't think I will actively seek out polyamorous relationships in the future. I will be open to them, if that's what happens. However, I really feel like I need a rest now, from dealing with not only my own relationship, but the constant dramas of IamWhoIam's other relationships. Maybe I am being unfair to polyamory, and this is more specifically related to the individuals involved in these particular poly relationships. I just feel so relieved to be off the rollercoaster ride. To not have to worry about my life being dictacted by someone who doesn't even want to be a part of my life. It just seems so easy and uncomplicated to imagine a two-person relationship and just looking after each other's needs. Although I never imagine I will live in a bubble in a two-person monogamous relationship. Poly has certainly burst some bubbles for me, in a great way!

Thanks again for all your interesting thoughts and advice. You have certainly helped me throughout my journey.

Love,
*PD*
 
PD, I'm sorry that it didn't work out and that you had to go through this rollercoaster ride. I can understand that this would result in you having a bad association with poly. I tell people that just because someone is poly doesn't mean they automatically know how to do good, healthy relationships - and it sounds like he might have been a bad example, at least in this context.

I am glad that the experience opened up some preconceived ideas that you had and I hope that, once the pain and grieving has subsided, you will see some positives that have come out of this.

I wish you luck.
 
Write this 5000 times:

"Poly relationships are just like mono relationships except there are more people involved."

Being in a one-on-one dynamic does not mean it won't be abusive or unhealthy, just as being in a multi-dynamic does not mean everyone gets their "needs met".
 
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Remember What Tom Petty Said

Hey PurpleDreamer! Don't Back Down. That's right. This stuff it is what it is. It ain't rocket science. No, it's much worse LOL because it's the human condition. Polyamory means 'multiple loves' and it simply is what it is. Everyone needs some degree of intimacy with someone, even if its a pet! And you know, I haven't figured anything out, except right now I am happier than I have ever been, and about to embark on some new adventure ever-so carefully. You know, that treading lightly thing. However, if this forum did not exist, with all of your very cool feedback, well, you know.

Keepin' you updated
joules
 
:)

YGirl said:
Write this 5000 times:

"Poly relationships are just like mono relationships except there are more people involved."

Being in a one-on-one dynamic does not mean it won't be abusive or unhealthy, just as being in a multi-dynamic does not mean everyone gets their "needs met".
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Yep. What I have learnt is just because someone claims to be poly, doesn't necessarily mean anything about them (that they are honest or open), other than they are in relationships with more than one person. And I've also learnt that just because I may choose to be in a poly relationship doesn't mean I have to accept being treated poorly.

The odd thing was that my family kind of said, "What did you expect?" when I spoke about the things that had happened. Like they automatically assumed that because we were in relationships with more than one person, that someone I should have expected that I would be disrespected.

I was having a conversation with my sister about something to do with it, and I said, "I know that by YOUR standards we seem to have thrown all our values out the window. [her values being related to monogamy.] However, you know our relationship is based on the same things as most relationships: love, honesty and respect."

I had a few monogamous relationships that have been less than respectful, also. But it certainly hasn't turned me off relationships for good!

The lesson here for me is to look at what needs I have not been having met by attracting less than supportive relationships into my life, and what I can change within myself/my behaviours to change this pattern.

I think I will get a better outcome from writing 500 times:
"I LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF AND ONLY CHOOSE TO BE IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE LOVING AND RESPECTFUL."
 
purpledreamer said:
Yep - what I have learnt is just cos someone claims to be poly, doesn't necesarily mean anything about them (that they are honest or open), other than they are in relationships with more than one person.
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Oh I'd go further than that - I know people who self-identify as poly without having ever been in a relationship with more than one person - they have decided they are interested in this lovestyle but have no experience of really doing it - sometimes their reality is very far from their dreams (and this goes for individuals and couples).

Someone saying they are poly should be the starting point of a conversation, not the end-point. Don't assume ANYTHING about who they are, whether they are more trustworthy, less manipulative, less abusive, whatever. Anyone can say they are poly - literally anyone. There is no "polyamory certificate" that you have to pass some test for, or an organization with entry requirements.

There are people who use poly as an excuse to cheat on their spouses, to "get in your pants", or to "cull someone from the herd" (aka a cowboy/girl).

And there are control freaks and abusers.

...and there are also some wonderfully nice, stable people with their heads firmly screwed on.

So finding out exactly what they mean by polyamory is the next step - finding out what sort of person they are is the next - and both are vital before entering into anything with them.

purpledreamer said:
And I've also learnt, that just because I may choose to be in a Poly relationship doesn't mean I have to accept being treated poorly.
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Absolutely! If there was one bit of reading I could recommend (and it's not long), I would recommend the article Polyamory for Secondaries from Franklin aka tacit. I feel strongly that everyone deserves respect and trust in their relationships.
 
CielDuMatin said:
Oh I'd go further than that - I know people who self-identify as poly without having ever been in a relationship with more than one person - they have decided they are interested in this lovestyle but have no experience of really doing it - sometimes their reality is very far from their dreams (and this goes for individuals and couples).
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Interesting. I know people who identify as poly and *have* had relationships with more than one person and still get lambasted by reality each time from a seeming inability to learn from their mistakes.

I have learned that while experience is a good thing to look at, it is not a hard and fast measurement of wisdom in a relationship.
 
Ceoli said:
Interesting. I know people who identify as poly and *have* had relationships with more than one person and still get lambasted by reality each time from a seeming inability to learn from their mistakes.
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*chuckle* Ah yes, Ceoli, VERY good point - I know some like that as well.

I have learned that while experience is a good thing to look at, it is not a hard and fast measurement of wisdom in a relationship.
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No, far from it. Agreed.
 
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