How long did you wait to become friends with your ex?

[Albert Ross]

As I've been documenting in my blog thread, a partner recently broke up with me, and we both very much want to end up as friends.

Traditionally, I haven't been able to stay friends with exes, for a variety of reasons—lack of interest or hurt feelings on one side or the other, unrequited feelings that prevented an actual friendship from developing—and I'd really like to get it right this time. As much as I will miss her as a lover, I truly value her as a friend.

So, while I realize this will be different for everyone in every relationship, I would like to hear some anecdotes: If you've managed to remain friends with exes, how did you make that transition work? Did you go no-contact? For how long? How did you navigate getting back in touch? What sort of conversations did you have?

In addition to wanting other people's stories so I can think about how I shall behave... I'm also just seeking examples that can give me some warm encouragement that this could work out.

 

[Evie]

With my significant ex? Never.

We spoke a couple of times a couple of years down the track, but ultimately went our own ways.

 

[Bobbi]

I managed to stay friends with a few, and could have with all, but they chose differently and that's okay. For me, I had to not have romantic feelings at all for them any more. (The more feelings I had, the more time apart I needed.) I also have good boundaries for the occasional flirting that might happen. When you have a way you relate to one another, it takes good, kind, boundaries to remind them we don't have that same relationship anymore.

My relationships all ended on good terms though. Usually feelings (or NRE) just ran their course, and one or both of us was ready to move on. The hardest one was my current nesting partner. We de-escalated several times over a year, all the way to roommates, and we are now back to friends/family. All of that happened while living together. I had to take chunks of time to have no contact to process along the way. It was hard with him living in the house, but I made it work.

When, in the other relationships, with older partners, we did start seeing each other again, it was always group things in small increments, just to get a taste, then slowly increasing time and intimacy of gatherings until they just felt like a great friend and nothing else.

I cannot see it working if feelings are present or boundaries aren't strong. Best of luck to you. With some relationships, you just cannot remain friends. Only time will tell.

 

[kdt26417]

Forty days is a good amount of time.

 

[XJskyboy]

Not that I'm particularly qualified to answer this one, but I'll just share some experience. My husband is the only long-term relationship I've ever been in. (He's 13 years older than me and we met when I was 20.) But he had had a few long-term partners before we met. A couple of them have become good friends of his or both of us, while others have opted not to maintain a social relationship with him. There's no animosity or anything, just preferences. I think it really depends on the circumstances.

Just my thoughts.