How much info for non sexual partners?

N

Noyse

Member
This one is less vent more curious about what ya'll think.

Connie is my RA practicing primary partner, and she has a best friend whom I'll call Luna. Luna and Connie used to be partners, until Luna wanted to start seeing this mono guy. Connie and Luna deescalate to best friends; and from my angle nothing in their dynamic changed.

All three of us frequent the same hang out spots, so I'll run into Luna a few times a month where we make small talk. Luna and I really only have Connie and being cool with poly in common.

At the most recent gathering, a causally ask Luna how mono guy is, and in reply Luna starts to cry. Connie pulls me aside to tell me that the two of them broke up in a traumatic (there was probably abuse) fashion some six weeks prior.

I'm upset for just finding out about it, and Connie's deference is that 'the break up wasn't my story to tell'. Had I known about the break up/just that Luna was going through a rough patch I would have chatted to her differently.

And as I process this by writing it down I'm wondering how much of this is my hang ups (my ex lied by omission ALL the time). I think the thing that upset me the most is that we say we want kitchen table style poly; for that to happen everyone should be able to stand everyone else at the table--not triggering someone goes a long way for them to stand you, you know?

Thoughts?
 
So you think if this was KTP, you'd have known about Luna breaking up?

I think that mindset (I'll practice KTP so nobody can keep secrets) is why some people are suspicious when a person wants KTP or nothing. Your partner, any partner, is allowed friends and friends and confide in each other. Not telling people risks what happened to Lunan, a sudden question and upset, that's her/their risk to take. Don't feel guilty about her feeling bad and crying but nor should you feel you had a right to know.
 
I think the thing that upset me the most is that we say we want kitchen table style poly; for that to happen everyone should be able to stand everyone else at the table--not triggering someone goes a long way for them to stand you, you know?
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But Luna isn't a current partner of Connie's. She's an ex and friend.

In my mind she doesn't have a seat at this KTP table.

So if Connie's friend Luna told her about the break up and asked her to keep it to herself? Connie did as asked.

I'm upset for just finding out about it, and Connie's deference is that 'the break up wasn't my story to tell'.
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I think she is right. It's not Connie's story to tell or to be blabbing to people. Not even you, Connie's partner.

Had I known about the break up/just that Luna was going through a rough patch I would have chatted to her differently.
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Well, you didn't know. So you weren't out to be mean to Luna about it. You were merely being polite asking how she is and how things in her life are going. Basic polite chit chat.

Luna gets to pick who she wants in her information circle. You aren't dating Luna, and as friends you aren't that tight. So... you just didn't know. It's Luna choice to risk well meaning people triggering her.

Why be upset about it if she burst into tears? Do you expect yourself to be a mind reader? You did not cause the upset. The abusive ex did -- this is "ripple effect" to me. She's going to be sensitive sometimes. She's still recovering.

All you can do is say "I'm so sorry... I didn't realize. Is there anything I can do for you? Get you some water?" and simple care stuff like that when you are caught by surprise next time.

Is it that you are upset because Connie reminds you of your lying ex? And Luna's break up just happened to be your trigger... but really it's Connie stuff that bugs you? Or the RA? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Maybe Luna is not just your friend? Maybe you view her as part of your polycule? Maybe you would like to know about the changes in your polycule?
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I think that mindset (I'll practice KTP so nobody can keep secrets)
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I was thinking about this before I logged on. I have a relatively large group of poly friends whom all to KTP, but in my experience the only gossip that goes around was when someone broke up. The couple of times I broke up with a long term partner it was a god send to only have to tell one person.

Takes some time to wrap my head around the idea that people wouldn't want that.
 
Hi Noyse,

It sounds like you would have preferred for Connie to tell you about Luna breaking up; if you would have known, you wouldn't have triggered Luna with your innocent question about her mono guy. On the other hand, Luna did not give Connie permission to share about the breakup, so that kind of put Connie in a bad spot. I suppose the thing to do is to tell Connie that you would like her to tell you in the future, but that you understand why she did not tell you this time. I think maybe you are feeling this way because of how your ex acted. You might want to dig into that part of yourself, and see what you can uncover. Meanwhile, I hope Luna will recover somewhat and will realize that you did not mean to hurt her.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
What an odd world we live in that a breakup would be considered a secret. It is what it is. It is not your fault for not knowing.
 
Well... if it comes because of trauma/possible abusive relationship, the person leaving may not be ready to broadcast that news to too many people. Esp when the "leaving time" is sometimes the most dangerous time. People may have to plan ahead for retaliation and that whole "If I can't have you, no one can!" weirdness that sometimes happens. They may want to minimize things getting back to the recent ex so play their cards close to chest.

https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

It's not Noyse's fault for not knowing. These things happen.

But I could see why Luna might not be sharing to all and sundry either esp if she's feeling sensitive/vulnerable right now.

Galagirl
 
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