How NOT to start your journey

[MeAndMyself]

As I've said in my introduction, I am relatively new to polyamory, since I only found out I was poly this summer, when I discovered I was in love with two amazing people.
However, they are both monogamous and it has been quite hard to cope with everything ever since. (I will turn 19 this year and so will they, by the way...) We have been managing as best as possible, but one of them lives far away, so I ended up in a monogamous relation with the other, after long periods of talking and crying and thinking... Things aren't perfect... And I am about to turn 19, so I naturally invited both. My girlfriend won a contest and will be abroad on that week, but of course I understand that and support her trip, because she will have an amazing time there and I am truely happy for her...
But my other love, let's call her B., can't come either: her parents found out I had a girlfriend and that we still loved each other... So they forbid her to come...
I am devastated... Not only because she won't be here... But also because I am the reason that she got into a fight with her parents and that she has been feeling horrible...
So right now, I began to hate myself because it's an unconfortable place for the three of us... It was the "best of 2/3 evils", but it doesn't quite feel that way...
I really don't know what I intend to achieve by writing here, but I guess I am mostly just getting it off my chest...
(Once again, sorry if I made any mistakes in my text...)

 

[MayDecember]

I discovered I was in love with two amazing people.

However, they are both monogamous

It's more than sketchy, the story. Meaning very little information.

We don't just "discover" something. We meet one of them in some kind of context, or both of them, and you develop relationships based upon what you tell them the facts are.

Forgive me for being blunt, but this makes it sound like you are a victim of sudden circumstance, you woke up one day and had this problem of being in love with two people and at the same. "poof". And it is an impossible situation because they are both monogamous.

So let's take some responsibility and accountability and let us know what the timeline is on the development of these relationships and how much each of these people knew about each other as that happened.

Thanks.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi MeAndMyself,

It sounds like you were hoping both of your girlfriends could join you to celebrate your birthday, but as it turns out neither of them will. That's disappointing enough, but then to have one girlfriend's parents forbid her to see you ... that hurts. I can only try to imagine how much that hurts. It doesn't sound to me like you are to blame for any of this, your only "sin" perhaps was that you were honest. And maybe your girlfriend was honest too, and that's how her parents found out. I'm assuming she lives with her parents. Maybe in a few years she will be able to move out, into her own place, and have more freedom about whether she can be with you. I hope so. In the meantime, tell her you would like to keep in touch with her, even still meet up with her somehow, but that you will understand if that would just make things harder for her due to her parents. There's not a lot either of you can do about that right now.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[MeAndMyself]

It's more than sketchy, the story. Meaning very little information.

We don't just "discover" something. We meet one of them in some kind of context, or both of them, and you develop relationships based upon what you tell them the facts are.

Forgive me for being blunt, but this makes it sound like you are a victim of sudden circumstance, you woke up one day and had this problem of being in love with two people and at the same. "poof". And it is an impossible situation because they are both monogamous.

So let's take some responsibility and accountability and let us know what the timeline is on the development of these relationships and how much each of these people knew about each other as that happened.

Thanks.

Well, I understand what you mean, but yes, it was quite like that... First I thought I loved one of them, but I found out my feelings for the other were equally strong... That made me search for information and I discovered I was polyamorous...
They already knew each other, but only after I told them both how I felt did they begin to talk more often. But neither would be ready to be in a polyamorous relationship, which is understandable...
After many weeks of dialogues, I began dating only one of them, since the other decided to take a step back, although remaining my friend.
Now I would like to have them both with me for my birthday, but one of them will be abroad and the other is forbidden to come see me.
That's pretty much what I have said before, but I don't see the purpose of adding many details, since I really don't want to identify them in anyway...

 

[Tinwen]

Are you feeling better already?

It doesn't seem you have a clear question for the forum to help answer.

I think you started your journey well enough. You had a potentially conflict-loaded situation with two girls, which you honestly resolved.

As for your birthday, how about celebrating later, once your gf is back from abroad? Just pretend it's another day.

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, I understand what you mean, but yes, it was quite like that... First I thought I loved one of them, but I found out my feelings for the other were equally strong... That made me search for information and I discovered I was polyamorous...
They already knew each other, but only after I told them both how I felt did they begin to talk more often. But neither would be ready to be in a polyamorous relationship, which is understandable...
After many weeks of dialogues, I began dating only one of them, since the other decided to take a step back, although remaining my friend.
Now I would like to have them both with me for my birthday, but one of them will be abroad and the other is forbidden to come see me.
That's pretty much what I have said before, but I don't see the purpose of adding many details, since I really don't want to identify them in anyway...

When I was 18 going on 19, I had 4 boyfriends one summer. Back then we didn't have the term polyamory, so I just figured I was "sowing my oats," "playing the field," or, you know, "dating."

My parents were away that summer so they didn't even know I was seeing 4 guys. So that didn't enter into the picture, their opinions or power plays.

Personally, I think it's ridiculous for B's parents to forbid her to see you just because you and she aren't mono together.Who cares? You're 18. Not getting married! Sheesh.

I'm sorry neither can attend your birthday party. But it's just your 19th, not your 18th or 21st, which are more landmark. Go have fun with some platonic friends! Celebrate with A when she gets back.

To sum up, we polys do face social disapproval from time to time. It doesn't matter quite as much once you turn 21 and are independent. Right now, as teens, you're going to have parents being protective. But even after one is an adult, we can have meddling colleagues or family, and lose jobs or even child custody in extreme cases.

Oh, by the way... both of your gfs are already involved in a "polyamorous relationship." Since you're poly (maybe) and they are dating you. Maybe what you mean is a triad, where all 3 partners are involved romantically? That's not the definition of poly, and, in fact, triads are quite rare.