How open and honest initially?

S

SealingTheDay

New member
Generally, I tend to be quite real, open and honest in life, even with those with differing mindsets because, tbh, I don't have the energy to put up a facade and "play the game" etc., nor do I feel it's right. However, being a generic more-or-less inexperienced straightish male (not fazed by same sex attention, snog/flirt, etc., but no genuine desire or drive) I feel like openly talking about free love, sexual willingness/openness, boundaries, etc., as well as various forms of poly and how it fits with my life values, may not be taken seriously, or weighted more on the side of villainous, or for the sole purpose of sexual gratification, so people may be quick to dismiss, make assumptions, and simply ghost without communication and asking questions. 🤔

Perhaps there's lack of attraction; fair enough, but that's rarely communicated.

I'm more of a fit to solo or RA, and open anything forming naturally.

I feel comfort in the thought of being a part of a FF couple and yes, it opens up potential shared sexual experiences and experimentation ideas I've not yet tried, but that's a small part of the connection I would like.

I'm on things like feeld and fab, but I get the sense that these are more focused around sex and kink which is ofc dominated by men and couples for solely that where I simply don't fit in.

So...
Do I use other generic date sites?
Go to LGBTQ+ places irl feeling like an imposter and hope for the best?
Hold back the ADHD info dumping side being myself, open and honest, etc.
Or just give up hope completely because the world isn't ready yet for my variation? 😅
Chronic fatigue also doesn't help in the self drive!
 
Hello Nate,

There doesn't seem to be any good answers for you. All of the possible approaches have something bad for you. You just need to be open and honest and hope for the best, I know that isn't much help for you. I say open and honest because otherwise you waste your time and theirs. You do not want them to leave in a huff when you reveal that you are open/poly. It sounds like you have a lot to offer, you just need people to take the time to get to know you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My bf has met a few poly women on feeld. Two have become regular FWBs.

Give up on the idea of "joining a FF couple." Poly doesn't work that way. I am part of a FF couple and (while I am no longer going to dating sites as I am settled with my two partners), I used to get so annoyed when I'd talk to a guy, and before we even met, he'd ask if she and I were a package deal, basically, without even knowing a thing about her!

Just date one woman at a time. Polyamory does not equal group sex.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Nate,

There doesn't seem to be any good answers for you. All of the possible approaches have something bad for you. You just need to be open and honest and hope for the best, I know that isn't much help for you. I say open and honest because otherwise you waste your time and theirs. You do not want them to leave in a huff when you reveal that you are open/poly. It sounds like you have a lot to offer, you just need people to take the time to get to know you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Thanks, Kevin. It's nice to be able to vent, at least, and feel that someone may understand the difficulty & frustration in it. I think it doesn't help that I don't really have a poly or generally open community/support system around me.

I am either too late in the day, late 30s, and people are either settled, have found it's not for them, or avoid anyone early on in their journey. Or it's still simply quite a hushed thing in my neck of the woods.

I know some people feel it's just part of life, having to regulate what an individual shares, especially if it can create difficult or uncomfortable situations. But I'm more for sharing and bringing light and debate to things that others may not be aware of, or haven't considered, which I like to think I can discuss in an appropriate & considerate non-judgmental manner. Even if another is triggered by it, I can understand why.

Anyway... rambling. Fingers crossed for the future. Hope for the best! Ty x
 
Magdlyn said:
My bf has met a few poly women on feeld. Two have become regular FWBs.

Give up on the idea of "joining a FF couple." Poly doesn't work that way. I am part of a FF couple and (while I am no longer going to dating sites as I am settled with my two partners), I used to get so annoyed when I'd talk to a guy, and before we even met, he'd ask if she and I were a package deal, basically, without even knowing a thing about her!

Just date one woman at a time. Polyamory does not equal group sex.
Click to expand...
Hi Magdlyn,

I understand and appreciate that. It's why I'm also so disheartened by it.

There have been occasions where it's been close to that feeling of an FFM dynamic, outside of any sexual connotation, more of support and happiness as a group-package thing, even if just close friends. Sadly, it hasn't ever materialised as such.

I'd still like to be able to say openly it's what I'm really drawn to, if it were to naturally happen. But it feels like perhaps you may have felt when reading that, that it comes with a stigma attached to it, or a focus on a group sex thing, which for me is a minor part of the dynamic.

I'm not even expecting a triad scenario. Even if it were to be more of a V, it's that feeling of close friendships you can trust, coupled with a closer bond with one or more, and open shared conversations to and about each other, with limited jealousy/control or hidden agendas.

I'd like to say there was no past trauma based upon that, but my life perceptions and values have grown from situations I've processed and questioned, leading to that added sense of security around it.

(For example, close friendships often disappearing due to mono partnerships, or efforts made but not reciprocated in befriending and including friends' partners, etc.)

It's been quite a lonely life, not sharing the same lifestyle and mindset with those around me. :/
 
SealingTheDay said:
Hi Magdlyn,

I understand and appreciate that. It's why I'm also so disheartened by it.

There have been occasions where it's been close to that feeling of an FFM dynamic, outside of any sexual connotation, more of support and happiness as a group-package thing, even if just close friends. Sadly, it hasn't ever materialised as such.

I'd still like to be able to say openly it's what I'm really drawn to, if it were to naturally happen. But it feels like perhaps you may have felt when reading that, that it comes with a stigma attached to it, or a focus on a group sex thing, which for me is a minor part of the dynamic.

I'm not even expecting a triad scenario. Even if it were to be more of a V, it's that feeling of close friendships you can trust, coupled with a closer bond with one or more, and open shared conversations to and about each other, with limited jealousy/control or hidden agendas.

I'd like to say there was no past trauma based upon that, but my life perceptions and values have grown from situations I've processed and questioned, leading to that added sense of security around it.

(For example, close friendships often disappearing due to mono partnerships, or efforts made but not reciprocated in befriending and including friends' partners, etc.)

It's been quite a lonely life, not sharing the same lifestyle and mindset with those around me. :/
Click to expand...
Well, if you like being surrounded by supportive women, even craving two at once, and not just one, you might be seen as either needy or greedy. ;) I'd still recommend dating one woman at a time. You are not owed the attention of her (possibly female) partner, just to provide you with more security. Perhaps, if you found one good woman to date, you might make a friend with her female partner (if she has one), for a "kitchen table" poly style, or you might click with one of her platonic friends as you start to meet them.

If you just want to be surrounded by supportive women, you could join a knitting/crochet circle at the local library or something like that. Stitch and Bitch communities are fun. Book clubs are another option where women often attend, but like-minded men would probably be welcome.

In fact, joining hobby groups can be a great way to meet dating prospects, as long as you're not creepy about it.
 
I like apps where I can be matched with other non-mono people. I started with OKCupid and answered every poly-type question to try to get matches that were also non-mono. I really like Hinge, as you can select to only see non-mono people and it's been the best for me yet.

If you are on regular apps and might be matched with mono people, I recommend not using the word polyamorous to describe yourself. People have no clue what that means and have no clue to ask. Most remember some TV show with triads, groups or other uncommon situations and think it's that. Instead say ENM or CNM. If they read the bio they will look it up. If you talk to them it seems to be a better conversation than if you use poly.

There will always be the closed-minded shaming and even the ones that say "Just do it but don't tell me about it. Cheat like everyone else!" Those are abundant. It's amazing how much cheating is accepted, but open non-monogamy is seen by those people as distasteful.

You have to let those go and accept they are a part of dating apps. Take breaks frequently to save your sanity, but give it time and you'll find someone. Dating off apps with nothing to connect to is a crapshoot. They are not designed to let you know anything about a person. Meeting in person is way better, if you can find groups to join or do activities with others.
 
I read your initial post. Then I re-read most of it, because I wasn't clear on what you are seeking. It remained somewhat obscure. Maybe I'm just tired, or maybe this is info for you that there's room for improvement in how you explain these things.

I think it's fair to say what you ideal is (is it the F-M-F closed triad?), what you are open to (can you also imagine M-F-M? what if it's not a triad, but a parallel "V"?), and what you are not up to (monogamy?). Just, if you have a tendency to info-dump, get conscise. Keep it short and informative for the first couple of dates, don't go into detail, don't get lost in your own fantasy, see how she reacts instead.
 
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