How overcome a huge misunderstanding

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freeforever

New member
Hi! I'm new here, and hoping for advice.
My boyfriend and I have just had a huge misunderstanding, and I'm struggling with how to overcome this, not feel so hurt, and be a better partner. We've misunderstood the boundaries of what we want from an open relationship.

To start from the beginning, We've been together for almost 2 years now. We decided to be in an open relationship from the very beginning. He is not a jealous person at all and is super comfortable. I am a jealous person and want to face that. I initiated our first talks about being in an open relationship stating that I don't want to hide things from each other or letting infidelity between us. We did decided on a few ground rules - no seeing ex's and not letting another person get between our time together (we have completely opposite schedules always. We rarely get a day off together), but not much else aside from that. I figured we would figure out what we want as they come up. He had told me of someone that he wanted to be with before, and I've had some of my own things pop up.

The other day, it came to light to that he has been under the impression that we agreed on a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. He has had sex with two people (one of whom is a close friend) while I've been traveling. I am shocked. This is the complete opposite of what I would ever want, and completely goes against our goals of having an open and honest relationship. I can't wrap my mind around how such a huge misunderstanding could happen. I vaguely remember saying that I don't want to know all the details and I may have said that I don't want to know who the person is. Honestly, I can't really remember. However, I would never have agreed to a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Now, I'm hurt that this has been hidden from me. I'm hurt that he could be okay with not telling me. When this came to light, he seemed very afraid of telling me because in the past his ex went a long with him being in an open relationship with another person, then it turned out she wasn't and was just done with being with him at the point. Essentially, I think he's afraid of that I will leave him because of my feelings about him being with other people. It makes me wonder if to some extent this misunderstanding is a projection of his fear, as in maybe he doesn't want to talk about our other relationships/sexual partners (because he's afraid of my reaction), and so he took the parts of the conversation that we had to become what he wanted. I'm just angry and hurt.

On top of all of this, it is coming to light for me that he is not just a heavy drinker, he is physically dependent on alcohol. He is extremely high functioning, and has drinks throughout the day, and doesn't get drunk, just buzzed. I'm seeing a counselor for this, and am beginning to go to Al Anon. He doesn't see a problem with a drinking (deep down he knows it). After dealing with the realization of this and how it will affect our future, I'm zapped of my emotional energy in our relationship, and I'm having a hard time holding it together.

Any advice? Thank you, truly, for taking the time to read this.
 
Hi freeforever,

I am wondering if maybe the thing to do is to reconsider your relationship with your boyfriend. After all, two alarm bells have just gone off, the DADT bell, and the alcoholism bell. If you do decide to stay with him, perhaps it could be on the condition that he cuts down on the drinking, and that he inform you from now on of any new people he is starting to see.

There are people who have DADT agreements, it is a thing. Although it is not generally recommended. But I think your boyfriend made an honest mistake about that. Even if it was partly because of wishful thinking on his part. To overcome the misunderstanding, you just need to give it some time. You will recover, it just takes awhile. But as I said, first think about whether you do want to continue in this relationship. You have had quite a system shock, and need to think about whether you can trust this man going forward.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
freeforever said:
... The other day, it came to light to that he has been under the impression that we agreed on a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. He has had sex with two people (one of whom is a close friend) while I've been traveling. I am shocked. This is the complete opposite of what I would ever want, and completely goes against our goals of having an open and honest relationship. I can't wrap my mind around how such a huge misunderstanding could happen ...
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Isn't it convenient that he just happens to remember your agreement the way that serves him best? Who ever heard of a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy in a poly relationship anyway? That's ridiculous. The whole point is honesty and communication. I'd never be able to trust him again and would distance myself out of the relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but that's just me ( sorry ).
 
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I can see how maybe he took it as that, plus the bad experience he had previously.

The way to overcome a huge misunderstanding is for both parties to acknowledge it was a misunderstanding and communicate better.
 
It sounds like you are willing to stay with him for now despite the alcoholism. On your side, you are seeing a counselor and going to Al-Anon. On his side, what is he doing to address the drinking? To me this is the bigger problem. If he does nothing about this... I'm not sure I would want to keep dating him if it were me. Having a condition doesn't make someone a bad person, but if the condition is going to go unmanaged/unaddressed... I'm not so hot on that. I'd rather skip it.

We did decided on a few ground rules - no seeing ex's and not letting another person get between our time together (we have completely opposite schedules always. We rarely get a day off together), but not much else aside from that. I figured we would figure out what we want as they come up.
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Well... things have come up and now you have to figure them out. None of these people were exes. None of them got in between your time together.

Just that perhaps now you have discovered your ground rules were too loose and you both have different communication styles.

This is the complete opposite of what I would ever want, and completely goes against our goals of having an open and honest relationship. I can't wrap my mind around how such a huge misunderstanding could happen. I vaguely remember saying that I don't want to know all the details and I may have said that I don't want to know who the person is. Honestly, I can't really remember. However, I would never have agreed to a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy.
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If you said you don't want to know details and you don't want to know who the person is you only defined half the ball park. What do you not want. You did not define what you DO want. You assumed he would know what you want or what you meant.

So he took a stab at it, and messed up some. Because "don't tell me details and don't want to know who it is" for him means DADT.

You have also learned something else -- YOU need to ask before you are with your BF something akin "Since we were last together, is there anything new I need to know sex hygiene wise?"

Not assume he will go "Hey, I need to tell you. Since we were last together...."

Better 2 people are looking out for sex health hygiene rather than than 0 people.

I would chalk this up to a learning experience. Identify what went wrong, what could be improved, and then try again.

You have to spend some time "calibrating language." I would suggest you each go "Now repeat that back in your own words what I just said so I know you got it like I mean it" for a while.

Let me give you an example. My mom was raised with British English and me American. If we go to the hotel and she goes "Get a lift" she means go hold an elevator for me. If I say it, I mean go outside and get us a taxi/ride to go somewhere.

So she's going to be mad when she goes to the elevator bank and I'm not around and there's no elevator waiting for her and all her luggage. And I'm going to be mad when I go outside the hotel and there's no car waiting for us to take us sightseeing.

I think in this situation you meant "I don't want to know all the details and I may have said that I don't want to know who the person is" like "tell me some info but don't FLOOD me tons of it" and he heard it like "Don't tell me anything at all unless I ask."

Could call it lesson learned. Both need to communicate better and EXPLAIN what you mean, and have the other repeat back in their own words so you can be assured they got it how you meant it.

You hopefully that way you can spot the potential snafu before it gets too big.

When this came to light, he seemed very afraid of telling me because in the past his ex went a long with him being in an open relationship with another person, then it turned out she wasn't and was just done with being with him at the point. Essentially, I think he's afraid of that I will leave him because of my feelings about him being with other people.
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Well, you are not his ex.

You DO have to define your deal breakers better. It was not listed above in the "ground rules." So now that you know you didn't discuss enough... discuss it now and list what behavior you do not want, what behavior you do want, and what behaviors are the deal breakers. Finish the conversations you needed to have.

He does same on his side. Then hopefully things are clearer. You can both feel more secure practicing poly together.

It sounds like before you were underprepared and "figure it out as we go along" is too loose for both of you.

Galagirl
 
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Been through similar situations with my partner and my ex-husband.

freeforever said:
We've misunderstood the boundaries of what we want from an open relationship....The other day, it came to light to that he has been under the impression that we agreed on a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy.
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Spexy and I went through exactly this. He got involved with someone. I guessed. Shit hit the fan. Later he pretended that he thought we were in a DADT and it took him a while to admit that he had handled things dishonestly. But till he was able to do so and we were able to begin working on our relationship recovering from what was essentially cheating, I'd say we were headed for a whole lot of nowhere.

We'd been together for two years at that point. Through some very hard times as well. I was the one to insist on a non-monogamous relationship. He had wanted marriage. Neither of us were interested in pursuing anyone else, so we hadn't really discussed much about what would happen if we got interested. It was more a philosophy that wasn't a particularly big part of our lives given that for practical purposes, we were monogamous. Neither of us were seeking partners when we came together and neither of us were seeking partners after we came together. I figured that if either of us got interested in someone, we'd discuss it and figure out how it would play out, given that neither of us are the type to get jealous or possessive. He seemed to be on the same page till this exploded.

Lesson learned was to discuss, discuss, discuss things within the relationship. On both our ends.

That said, for the purposes of my feelings (and his actual actions as well) what he did amounted to cheating and it took a toll on us. He didn't want to talk about it. I couldn't stop talking about it. After much persistence and resistance, I fastforward to the time when things actually started working. It was when he recognized that what he did was cheating and I would have my own process of grief and relearning to trust him before we would be ok. And he would have to earn that trust.

If he were not willing to do that, I don't think the relationship would work. A relationship that overlooks deep hurt on part of one partner can't exactly be caring, right? The process is still ongoing. We came close to breaking off several times. It only worked because both of us wanted it to work enough to be humble and do what it took. On my part it took forgiving him. On his part, it took owning his actions and their impact on me without trying to cover up.

On top of all of this, it is coming to light for me that he is not just a heavy drinker, he is physically dependent on alcohol. He is extremely high functioning, and has drinks throughout the day, and doesn't get drunk, just buzzed. I'm seeing a counselor for this, and am beginning to go to Al Anon. He doesn't see a problem with a drinking (deep down he knows it). After dealing with the realization of this and how it will affect our future, I'm zapped of my emotional energy in our relationship, and I'm having a hard time holding it together.
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About the alcoholism, I have spent considerable time contemplating various aspects and ethics to guide my actions. My ex-husband is an alcoholic. On one hand I recognize that alcoholism is not entirely a choice. It is addiction. Not unlike an illness. I may be able to eat all the sugar I want and process it rapidly. Another may get a blood sugar spike that won't come down for ages from it. How alcohol impacts different people is also similar to this. I drink socially. I'd seen my then friend drink in parties with me. What I didn't know was that he was also drinking daily when I wasn't meeting him socially.

Alcoholism makes responsible behavior hard and it almost always deteriorates. Some may maintain functionality for a long time before they slide into incoherence, others may slide fast, but that is the inevitable destination for alcoholism.

While alcoholism may not be a choice, what he does about it is a choice. If he doesn't see a problem, I'd recommend that you decide very carefully whether you want to care for a long term embarrassing mental patient of sorts. And along with it the financial, social, ethical and health stresses. Perhaps the person is still worth it. Perhaps he is not. Only you can decide that.

In your place, I'd quit now. This sounds like a candidate for a "sunk cost fallacy". It already isn't working. Throwing in good emotions after the troublesome ones is only going to dig you in deeper.
 
Wow I am so appreciative for all of your advice! It was really helpful to hear you advice to understand that I just needed time before I could have a calmer, deep talk about it with him.

It took me a hot minute to stop trying to blame him for something that wasn't his fault. It's definitely one of my faults that I tend to be blame-y as my first, guttural reaction until I have time to process and talk some rationality into myself.


There really isn't a reason to think that he's covering up anything; the way the DADT misunderstanding came up was through him bringing it up, not me. It was at that point, he realized this was news to me. We talked about it, and all is good, and we have clearer boundaries now, an agreement to make sure we're both in the know and be better about communication.

We talked through the ex thing, and I confirmed that I am not going to break up with him and I am not pretending that I am comfortable with something I am not actually comfortable with(or at least unwilling to work through).

We also validated our willingness to talk through the difficult feelings that might come up, and our commitment to our relationship. Now I feel incredibly close to him, and it almost feels like falling in love with him all over.


anamikanon said:
Alcoholism makes responsible behavior hard and it almost always deteriorates. Some may maintain functionality for a long time before they slide into incoherence, others may slide fast, but that is the inevitable destination for alcoholism.

While alcoholism may not be a choice, what he does about it is a choice. If he doesn't see a problem, I'd recommend that you decide very carefully whether you want to care for a long term embarrassing mental patient of sorts. And along with it the financial, social, ethical and health stresses. Perhaps the person is still worth it. Perhaps he is not. Only you can decide that.

In your place, I'd quit now. This sounds like a candidate for a "sunk cost fallacy". It already isn't working. Throwing in good emotions after the troublesome ones is only going to dig you in deeper.
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This is very foreshadowing for me. I'm already in really deep :/
I do know that if things stay on the same path, he will become mentally / emotionally / physically ill and will die from alcohol. I know that there are certain things that we will not be able to do in our future (have kids, buy a house together or anything big financially). There are a lot of other things I'm working through outside of that now, like do I have to let this bring me down with it? Can't I still do what makes me happy? If it does eventually get to a breaking point, won't we still have all the good things that we have / had?

but most of all, I don't think I've tried enough to get it through to him to be able to break it off. I've tried once, and that's when I learned that he's in denial. It's not the same as talking to him about all the other problems we have faced (he is almost always open and willing). since this is something I'm unfamiliar with, I'm trying to gather as much information I can to figure out the best tactic to go about this. I've even stopped drinking myself! Or maybe this all part of the jaded thinking of those close to alcoholics, and everyone's right and I will regret everything. Anyways, I'm rambling about this too much, and this is what Al Anon is for, I guess.
 
It sounds like you are doing your homework, and working things out. That's a good sign.
 
I totally hear you on the stopping drinking yourself. I did that once my then husband's drinking started getting problematic. I used to enjoy drinking earlier and still do now (though it took me almost a year before I had a drink after separating), but while I was with him, drinking simply stopped being about fun and more about waiting for the other shoe to fall. It could be fun, if he were in a good mood, or it could be depressed or rambling or aggressive.... and one never knew going in what today evening would look like.

If he has so far shown a willingness to discuss issues, I'd suggest that you prepare yourself with factual information. The monetary front always is a good source for that. How alcohol is diverting money from necessities, for example. Other factual information will also help, because an alcoholic is always in denial. So someone who considers himself functionally fine may simply be ignoring and then forgetting inconvenient information. It can help if you even take time to collect it. For example "You believe that alcohol doesn't impair your functioning, but in the last week, you have had trouble related to being late or unexpectedly offensive or unprepared for meeting people X number of times in the last week" or "You had blackouts X number of days in the last week" works better than "You think alcohol doesn't impair your functioning, but you're wrong"

Avoid blame. Be on his side, bringing up a problem for the two of you to assess together. Focus on specific actions and behavior rather than him as a whole person. Also, an immediate decision is not necessary if he is in denial. Setting a time period for evaluating the extent of the problem can help. Such a time period can be used to collect factual information that helps him decide. You can also ask him to attend a few AA meetings to hear perspectives of others without committing to anything - as a part of information collecting for a decision.

But have a clear idea of what you will do at the end of the period of the two of you remain in disagreement about his drinking. Will you continue efforts, will you try to establish some boundaries, will you break off.... whatever it is, follow through on it, unless he arrives at a decision that addresses symptoms you have pointed out.

Wishing you good luck.
 
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