How Patient Should I Be?

B

bobsyruncle

New member
Hi all,

I am dating two people. One person is actively poly. This person supports my relationship and I support theirs (they have two other partners). Sometimes it's hard, of course, but we're managing to talk through the challenges. The other person is only poly for me. She is not interested in being poly in general, says she is not committed to being poly, but is committed to me. Is there any chance this will work? Does anyone have experience with a reluctant partner, where things got better with patience?

We were on a break for a bit to try to decide if we wanted to go forward. She said she did. I felt obligated to tell her that during our break I went on a date with a new person. I have another date planned with the new person, but I said I would be willing to cancel. She was very upset. I feel guilty. I feel like I am hurting her. Should I break it off, since I feel like this will continue to hurt both of us if she's not totally on board? Or should I wait it out, see how her feelings take shape, and trust her to break it off if it really isn't working for her?

Thanks so so so much for your advice and wisdom! I really feel lost.
S.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

If she is monoamorous and poly friendly, that would be one thing. Where she wants one sweetie for herself but it ok with her sweetie dating others.

But if she is monoamorous and monogamous, where she wants 1 sweetie and a 1:1 relationship model? That's is another thing and sounds too much like a square peg/round hole exercise in frustration.

Her wanting to be committed to you and participate in a polyship DESPITE her not wanting polyship? I don't know why she would go against her own grain like that.

But it doesn't mean you have to be committed to her and allow her in your poly network.

If this stuff....

I felt obligated to tell her that during our break I went on a date with a new person. I have another date planned with the new person, but I said I would be willing to cancel. She was very upset. I feel guilty.
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... you do not want to be dealing with? Acknowledge you don't want to be dealing with it.

I feel like I am hurting her. Should I break it off, since I feel like this will continue to hurt both of us if she's not totally on board?
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Sounds like a reason to end it to me. Sometimes there is no point in dragging things out. When both choices stink? Go with the least stinky. To me the (upset of breaking up early) beats the (upset of dragging it out and breaking up later.) Or worse.

In those shoes? I would end it. But ultimately you make the call for what it is you want to do.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
bobsyruncle said:
Hi all,

I am dating two people. One person is actively poly. This person supports my relationship and I support theirs (they have two other partners). Sometimes it's hard, of course, but we're managing to talk through the challenges. The other person is only poly for me. She is not interested in being poly in general, says she is not committed to being poly, but is committed to me. Is there any chance this will work? Does anyone have experience with a reluctant partner, where things got better with patience?

We were on a break for a bit to try to decide if we wanted to go forward. She said she did. I felt obligated to tell her that during our break I went on a date with a new person. I have another date planned with the new person, but I said I would be willing to cancel. She was very upset. I feel guilty. I feel like I am hurting her. Should I break it off, since I feel like this will continue to hurt both of us if she's not totally on board? Or should I wait it out, see how her feelings take shape, and trust her to break it off if it really isn't working for her?

Thanks so so so much for your advice and wisdom! I really feel lost.
S.
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This is a tough place to be for both of you. Sometimes you don't know what you can tolerate or live with until you try it for awhile. I think she may be in this position where she's willing to try it and see. Give her room to hurt (I am learning this lesson right now with the mono person in our family) and witness her feelings, and don't criticize her or expect her to change her mind-set. There are things we can grow into, and then there is the hard-wiring of our brains that we cannot change.

The mono person in our relationship hurts sometimes, but chooses to go forward anyway. We are all growing through her process. I just posted a thread about it which you might find useful, especially all the thoughtful replies.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=79016
 
Well, you can't make her choices for her; you can only make your own choices and trust that she knows how to take care of herself. If she says she can handle it, even if difficult for her, then give her the benefit of the doubt. If it seems like she's not handling it well and just losing her shit over it, you'll need to make her aware of that.

However, at this point, I would have a conversation with her about commitment if I were you. I would ask her what, exactly, she means by being "committed" to you. Everyone ascribes their own meaning and concepts to common words like "love," "commitment," and even "relationship" - so she needs to deconstruct what she's saying and figure out what she is committing to, I say. It wouldn't hurt for you to do the same and figure out what you're committed to, either.

Another thing each of you should figure out is what your own personal boundaries are. As in, the things you need to be respected in order to be healthy in a relationship. For examples, some of hers might be that she doesn't want to hear any details about your dates with other women, or that she will not accept you cancelling scheduled dates with her in favor of someone else. Yours might be that you won't tolerate any manipulation to try and get you to cancel a date, or you won't listen to anyone you're seeing badmouthing any of the others. Your own personal boundaries don't have to be shared with each other, but you each should be strong in knowing what they are and when it is acceptable to adjust a boundary.

If you can both be as present as possible with each other, and act in mature, loving ways to each other, it could still work.
 
You're allowed to take the easy way out.

Look, you have this person, who I am sure is wonderful, who is, for whatever reason, going against her grain in order to date you. She gets to decide that she wants to do that. But if you are going to second guess yourself and feel guilty every time you do something she says you are allowed to do and she feels hurt, that's not a good relationship.

Sometimes we meet really wonderful people, and due to a variety of issues and circumstances, we can't make it work. This might be one of those times. Squashing round pegs into square holes is never a good idea.
 
Thanks for all your responses! I can't say I know what to do now, but this helped me feel the complexities of the situation. We talked this morning and she said she doesn't want to be a secondary. We've talked about this before, and I've agreed to use other language. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't intend to live with her, and I do intend to live with my other honey. I think it's a bit disingenuous for me to lead her to believe she will be something other than secondary (though I think she hears that as she is an optional extra, which is not at all how I think of her).

I guess what I'm feeling right now is it might help if I hold to
a) the language of primary/secondary
b) my commitment to see other people outside of the two primary/secondary partners

... and see where that leads us? The big thing is that she is okay with me having another partner (since I'm already involved), but not with me dating new people. And I've been trying to figure out if that feels okay for me. And I don't think it does?

But the main thing I got from these responses is there isn't a right answer! There is just the answer I come to. And I clearly haven't come to an answer yet. So I guess we'll have to keep talking until it either feels totally consensual to me, or it feels like it will be impossible to feel that it is totally consensual.

Hmm, writing this was actually really helpful!
 
Why do you feel that sticking with the language of primary/secondary is useful?
 
Bobs, it seems like this person has said what she wants (to not be "secondary", to have you stop adding new people), and you're right here saying you're going to keep doing those things, and see how it plays out.

I can tell you right now: Badly. With tears and recriminations.

She likes you, but she wants things you won't offer. You like her but you won't give her what she wants. If you're going to still have a relationship, you're going to have to give something, and so will she. That effort can't all come from one side.

It's fine to acknowledge that you're incompatible.
 
Emm, I think the reason it feels useful to stick to primary/secondary language is that when I have tried to stay away from it (because I think "secondary" can have connotations I don't intend, at least for my partner), I've ended up feeling like I am telling a white lie of some kind. Like she will say, Okay, but you aren't planning your life around me, and you are planning your life around your other partner. And that sounds true to me. So it seems like it's easier to just use the language that most accurately portrays our relationship, even if the connotations may be hurtful.

BlueShoes, yeah, that's a painful way to put it, but I hear you.
 
Obviously she wants to get on the Relationship Escalator with you and see that whatever you have together "goes somewhere." The thing is that it can indeed deepen and grow without heading toward cohabitation or marriage. It just won't go where she wants it to go.

But she doesn't have to be considered "secondary" in order for you to build a more entwined life with someone else. I don't blame her for not wanting to be called "secondary." That's more than a little bit icky.

What you need to do is talk about specific things you can do to help her know that she is important and valued in your life. If she doesn't feel respected, valued, and heard with you, it would be stupid to stick around. Again, it comes down to boundaries and treating each other with kindness and respect.
 
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Re (from bobsyruncle),
"I guess we'll have to keep talking until it either feels totally consensual to me, or it feels like it will be impossible to feel that it is totally consensual."
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I think you're on the right track there.
 
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