How to Break up with Polycule?

B

BubbleWandTrouble

New member
Hello, I will try to keep this as intelligible as I can!

I need to break up with my polycule, and I need advice on how to properly go about it. Right now I’m so fed up I’m tempted to just text them and return their house key via mail, but I want to be a decent person.

What is the best way to go about this, when they are both being a pain in even MEETING UP with them in person? (Understandable reasons but also frustrating.)

Details, and context as to why there is nothing that makes me want to work it out:

-I’m ace but dating a nesting couple; let’s say Bonnie and Clyde. Bonnie had two long term partners of her own but Clyde has been just dating and has not found his third person (because I’m Ace this isn’t sexual on my end.)

-Bonnie recently lost her fiancé (not Clyde, a separate metamour) because her fiancé was being a jerk with his own issues with NRE. It was very traumatic and Bonnie wasn’t doing well. This just happened a few months ago.

-Bonnie started dating earlier this year, which I encouraged, because I figured she needed a hot girl summer to get her confidence back and have fun. It was this time I realized Bonnie was HEAVILY infatuated with a random new guy, he blew her off, and she was hung up on him before she went on tinder.

-Bonnie I also realized, is very impulsive and I no longer want to deal with her behavior with new people. She’s already dating a new boyfriend (Jeff) and he’s already moving in after two weeks of just meeting on Tinder. She’s not being respectful to Clyde and is pretty much guilt tripping Clyde about Jeff being potentially homeless if he doesn’t get a new place soon (which isn’t true. He’d just have to move back to a different state). Jeff also has mental health issues he’s in therapy for and when Clyde made mention he was worried about that condition Bonnie cried and accused Clyde’s therapist of already demonizing Jeff.

-I do not like Jeff. I’ve been dating both longer and have a key to their house. I stay when I want because I’m a household member. But I can’t stand Jeff. At first he was fine and I encouraged Bonnie and Jeff because I thought I was being supportive. But Jeff talks over me, Jeff is condescending if he thinks he knows a subject more, and we are both neurodivergent and he does that thing where I’ll be talking and he just keeps interrupting me. I let Bonnie know I will not be near him because they genuinely don’t know Jeff. I originally said three months of dating him I’ll consider it again but I don’t want to bond with Jeff.

-Bonnie and Clyde have let me down three times, which has reasons but still makes me not trust them going forward. This might seem childish and they are reasons that can’t be helped. But the first is they were supposed to dedicate a day to me when I had a minor tragedy happen to me. We’ve done one for Bonnie before and made it all about her. Jeff, for some reason, was invited. He proceeded to talk over me, Bonnie hung off of him most of the time, and the both triggered me by doing something annoying. We barely did anything I wanted because Bonnie and Clyde were ‘not feeling it’ after being exhausted mentally from an incident that day. The second time I got into it with Jeff and Clyde was the one who comforted me, not Bonnie. Bonnie said she didn’t want to comfort me because she was afraid I’d find her biased. That’s when I stopped wanting to be near Jeff. Finally, I was supposed to have a day Bonnie was hanging out with just me before a very important trip I was nervous about. She did but told me she had a time to be back because Jeff had a family emergency. Not Jeff’s fault, but I felt like I was losing my partner more. I wished them a safe trip.

-Because of this fighting I barely hear from them both. Bonnie tries to assure me that Jeff and I have different schedules when he moves in (which is next week) so we won’t run into each other. But she’s ALREADY forgotten to give me updates on events we ORIGINALLY planned to go together. Now she splits events with me and Jeff to compromise. But when I asked her to clarify a specific event she completely forgot to update me what the plans were.

-Jeff has past trauma of being poly with a metamour who didn’t want their hinge to be poly. I’m not so much breaking up over Jeff, though; I’m more done with Bonnie sitting on the fence for compromises instead of considering the feelings of all three of us. I don’t like Jeff but he shouldn’t worry about avoiding me in his own now home.

-Clyde is swamped at work and left me in the dark for a week about a good day I can meet up with him and Bonnie. I told him I needed a day to see them to talk seriously. I was in the dark for a week and when I asked the meeting to pushed back ANOTHER WEEK because Clyde “doesn’t have the head space” for serious stuff. They have no idea I’m breaking up but I said we all need to talk before Jeff moves in.

TL;DR I’m not going back. I’m done but I want to break up clearly and properly. This was my first polycule and I was happy until all of this.

Any help is appreciated! (Im also in therapy and my therapist encouraged me I’m doing the right thing for myself with this break up.)
 
If it's hard to even set up a meeting, I think it's ok to write. You could tell them you're breaking up via message and offer one more meeting on neutral ground later if they really need to hear your reasons. (Refuse to discuss over text.)
 
So I think if I am translating this correctly, you are in a relationship with clyde and bonnie independently of each other. They are in a relationship with each other, and Bonnie is also in a relationship with Jeff.

The people you need to break up with are Bonnie and Clyde.

Breakups take whatever form you need them to take to feel safe and secure. Personally, I am old man and dont like being broken up by text, but it happens and can be done respectfully. For the record, you dont owe them diddly for an explanation. So you could simply message both in a group chat and tell them you are leaving, thanks for the fish. If you dont feel like being contacted again would be fruitful, just state that. "I am not interested in maintaining contact at this time and I don't want to explain why I am leaving, thanks for the fish"

If you want to go into detail, or feel like you owe it, that is likely best in person. Text is a terrible way to communicate nuance. This comes with pitfalls from the other side though, begging pleading and crying can really cause interference in someones desire to leave.

A polycule is what you make of it. I don't expand "MY" polycule to Paramours. Heck, I won't even do it, if its just a FWB type scenario. My polycule is my chosen family, not who my family chooses too. I think of it like a party, who would I invite. I have KTP, Garden Party and Parallel aspects to each of my relationships individually. I say this because Jeff is not someone you are breaking up with. He is irrelevant.

Good luck
 
Ariakas said:
So I think if I am translating this correctly, you are in a relationship with clyde and bonnie independently of each other. They are in a relationship with each other, and Bonnie is also in a relationship with Jeff.

The people you need to break up with are Bonnie and Clyde.

Breakups take whatever form you need them to take to feel safe and secure. Personally, I am old man and dont like being broken up by text, but it happens and can be done respectfully. For the record, you dont owe them diddly for an explanation. So you could simply message both in a group chat and tell them you are leaving, thanks for the fish. If you dont feel like being contacted again would be fruitful, just state that. "I am not interested in maintaining contact at this time and I don't want to explain why I am leaving, thanks for the fish"

If you want to go into detail, or feel like you owe it, that is likely best in person. Text is a terrible way to communicate nuance. This comes with pitfalls from the other side though, begging pleading and crying can really cause interference in someones desire to leave.

A polycule is what you make of it. I don't expand "MY" polycule to Paramours. Heck, I won't even do it, if its just a FWB type scenario. My polycule is my chosen family, not who my family chooses too. I think of it like a party, who would I invite. I have KTP, Garden Party and Parallel aspects to each of my relationships individually. I say this because Jeff is not someone you are breaking up with. He is irrelevant.

Good luck
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Thank you for the response! And yes, Bonnie and Clyde are my partners but Jeff is a metamour.

Thank you for your insight it’s really helped! 🙏
 
Tinwen said:
If it's hard to even set up a meeting, I think it's ok to write. You could tell them you're breaking up via message and offer one more meeting on neutral ground later if they really need to hear your reasons. (Refuse to discuss over text.)
Click to expand...
That’s a really good idea, Thank you! I might do it that way instead!
 
Hello BubbleWandTrouble,

I think maybe the best approach here is to group email Bonnie and Clyde so that you have proof that you notified both of them. Don't go into great detail about why you're doing it, just tell them it was good while it lasted but now you are moving on. Jeff sounds like a PITA, he is not the main reason you are breaking up but he is part of it. Explain to Bonnie and Clyde that you need to get on with your own life.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello BubbleWandTrouble,

I think maybe the best approach here is to group email Bonnie and Clyde so that you have proof that you notified both of them. Don't go into great detail about why you're doing it, just tell them it was good while it lasted but now you are moving on. Jeff sounds like a PITA, he is not the main reason you are breaking up but he is part of it. Explain to Bonnie and Clyde that you need to get on with your own life.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Thanks so much for the advice! He’s a PITA to me personally, but hopefully he’s good for them in their household. Shrug. Lol
 
Update: I sent a break up text (easiest way) to them using the advice I got.
I kept it to where I stated I wouldn’t discuss it over phone or text.

Thanks so much everyone. I feel a lot better and more vindicated in my choice.
 
I personally wouldn't date anyone who would move a new partner in after two weeks. That is pretty well guaranteed to be a disaster. I also prefer parallel polyamory with new metamours, so if this person was in my partner's home full time, I would date this person by going out with them, or bringing them to my house. Those would be my boundaries. Jeff sounds (from your POV) rude and annoying.

Is there a reason you have to break up with Clyde though, just because you want to break up with Bonnie? Has your separate relationship with Clyde also been less than fulfilling lately?

In other words, why are you throwing the baby out with the bathwater?
 
Magdlyn said:
I personally wouldn't date anyone who would move a new partner in after two weeks. That is pretty well guaranteed to be a disaster. I also prefer parallel polyamory with new metamours, so if this person was in my partner's home full time, I would date this person by going out with them, or bringing them to my house. Those would be my boundaries. Jeff sounds (from your POV) rude and annoying.

Is there a reason you have to break up with Clyde though, just because you want to break up with Bonnie? Has your separate relationship with Clyde also been less than fulfilling lately?

In other words, why are you throwing the baby out with the bathwater?
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That’s a fair point, but two main reasons why:

-It’s more trouble than it’s worth with schedules and how close they are as nesting partners.

-I was very let down by Clyde with this situation and it made me realize, while I care about him, that I’m not attracted to how he navigates his relationship with Bonnie (very passively).

It really hurt that there have been times I dropped everything to go check on them, and it took me a week to poke him for a date to chat. I understand work has been hard for him, but I’ve not been reciprocated during serious discussion requests.

So I’m just done and rather cut my loses altogether. Very rarely, in my experience, does it work out being on the outskirts of this type of situation.
 
I think you've done the right thing. They both sound very exhausting. And moving in a Tinder date after two weeks? File that under "not your problem anymore."
 
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