Dreamsofexpansion
New member
Hello Everyone,
FIRST POST
I (36 yo cis het male) discovered a thread on here through a Google search that I found helpful, so I thought I’d ask for some support in a situation I’m navigating.
Backstory:
My partner, we’ll call her Water, and I have been together for over two years. We began our relationship practicing monogamy, but we spoke about polyamory from the first date, and it was always a part of the conversation. I became comfortable in a monogamous rhythm, but Water was having conversations with a dear friend of hers (we’ll call him Kayak) who has been practicing ENM for years, and Water wanted to explore a relationship with him. I think it’s important to mention that polyamory is an orientation for Water, whereas it’s a lifestyle choice for me. Water was very patient with me in the early stages, creating an incremental container of opening to kissing, then sex, then overnights, etc. I tried my best to find my tether to polyamory, and my "whys" for making this change in my life, but, if I’m honest, it’s been a struggle for me.
Two months after we opened up, in August of ‘24, Water went on a weeklong camping trip with Kayak. This was a trip that they'd planned as friends about eight months prior, but it turned into a trip as partners once we opened up. I remember the moment that I realized that this trip would no longer be as friends, and it was incredibly activating for me. I kept telling myself narratives of “She was hoping for this” and how it was "really convenient that this trip was planned for this time."
I tried so hard to be okay with it, and I reached what I thought was a regulated state about it the week before the trip. When Water returned, I totally shut down. I did not take care of myself effectively while she was gone with Kayak. I self-isolated due to events getting cancelled, and just leaned into my routine.
I was in a place where I would be viscerally activated at any reminders of this trip. I felt miles away from being somatically ready to process my partner of two years going on a trip like this. I went through some heavy reflections after this trip. I learned more about the importance of community and the difference between intellectually deconstructing monogamous norms vs. feeling through these changes. I still have strong feelings about this trip, but it no longer is physically activating when it comes up.
Fast forward to today.
Water and Kayak are leaving next week for a two-week long trip to New Zealand. Water and I have not gone on an international trip together during our relationship. Water loves to travel and it’s always been important to her. It’s been more important to me to save money for a home, which is something that I know I want deeply. Water says she wants a home with me, but she hasn’t taken many concrete steps towards making it a reality.
I always thought that we would travel internationally when we had worked on some financial issues to be able to get a home AND travel. I realize now that this was an unspoken assumption on my part. It is so painful to see her going on this trip, as I’m actively saying that I’m not ready for this, and I struggle with the financial implications of her taking two weeks off work. (Kayak is paying for this trip, which helps, but Water works a freelance job so she won’t get paid.
This trip is also happening only six months after the camping trip.
I have only been on a handful of dates, and only within the last couple of months. I have no other romantic partners yet, but I’m starting to feel some of the excitement and expansiveness ENM has to offer. Even considering this, I feel like I’m being pushed so far beyond my comfort zone, maybe unreasonably so? I have been so defensive. I want Water to validate that this is too soon for me and that her decision to go on this trip is having such a visceral impact on me, but she experiences a high amount of defensiveness. My activation can come off as judgmental, and she often defends herself with phrases like “I’m not doing anything wrong” and “You have agency to leave this relationship.” I want to clarify here that Water is incredibly loving and caring, but this situation has brought out some of the less flattering parts of both of us.
So we’re stuck in this pattern where neither of us are getting the validation we need to feel completely safe with one another. To make things more complicated, we’ve realized that our couples therapist is biased towards monogamy. Our therapist isn’t doing anything harmful, but it is obvious that she has much more compassion for my pain around this than Water’s hurt around my inability to process this, and how alone she’s feeling. I’ve also realized that my personal therapist of eight years has more of a monogamous bias than I realized. She has shown so much compassion and validation for my anger and frustrations with the situation, but doesn’t challenge me to engage with my "why" for choosing polyamory and provide ENM-focused tools to cope with this. I have started the process of finding a new personal therapist, and Water and I have a new couples therapist that we’re excited to work with when she returns. These will be great changes for after the trip.
I also don’t have any friends that practice ENM, so the same situation has come up where I’m getting a ton of validation for my anger and frustration, but not being encouraged to be accountable for my part in all this. I’m trying to do this for myself, but I’m really struggling with the lack of community and in-person resources (I can only listen to Polysecure and Polywise so many times).
There’s been a big shift in the last couple of weeks for me, where I’m experiencing less anger and am able to see a bigger picture. I wish this had happened sooner, but here I am with her leaving in a week.
She’s asking me to let her know what she can do to support me while she’s gone, but I’m having a hard time identifying what those things could be. I have no framework for what this will look like. What if every time she messages me I get activated and lose sleep? What if I request she not reach out, but then resent her for not connecting with me? I feel lost.
I would love to hear stories of how others transitioned from monogamy to ENM, and how they managed watching their partner do things with other partners that they thought would be exclusive to their relationship.
Another question is any recommendations for requests I can make of Water that could be supportive for me? Examples of what this could look like would be really helpful.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I’d love to read any thoughts people have. Take care.
FIRST POST
I (36 yo cis het male) discovered a thread on here through a Google search that I found helpful, so I thought I’d ask for some support in a situation I’m navigating.
Backstory:
My partner, we’ll call her Water, and I have been together for over two years. We began our relationship practicing monogamy, but we spoke about polyamory from the first date, and it was always a part of the conversation. I became comfortable in a monogamous rhythm, but Water was having conversations with a dear friend of hers (we’ll call him Kayak) who has been practicing ENM for years, and Water wanted to explore a relationship with him. I think it’s important to mention that polyamory is an orientation for Water, whereas it’s a lifestyle choice for me. Water was very patient with me in the early stages, creating an incremental container of opening to kissing, then sex, then overnights, etc. I tried my best to find my tether to polyamory, and my "whys" for making this change in my life, but, if I’m honest, it’s been a struggle for me.
Two months after we opened up, in August of ‘24, Water went on a weeklong camping trip with Kayak. This was a trip that they'd planned as friends about eight months prior, but it turned into a trip as partners once we opened up. I remember the moment that I realized that this trip would no longer be as friends, and it was incredibly activating for me. I kept telling myself narratives of “She was hoping for this” and how it was "really convenient that this trip was planned for this time."
I tried so hard to be okay with it, and I reached what I thought was a regulated state about it the week before the trip. When Water returned, I totally shut down. I did not take care of myself effectively while she was gone with Kayak. I self-isolated due to events getting cancelled, and just leaned into my routine.
I was in a place where I would be viscerally activated at any reminders of this trip. I felt miles away from being somatically ready to process my partner of two years going on a trip like this. I went through some heavy reflections after this trip. I learned more about the importance of community and the difference between intellectually deconstructing monogamous norms vs. feeling through these changes. I still have strong feelings about this trip, but it no longer is physically activating when it comes up.
Fast forward to today.
Water and Kayak are leaving next week for a two-week long trip to New Zealand. Water and I have not gone on an international trip together during our relationship. Water loves to travel and it’s always been important to her. It’s been more important to me to save money for a home, which is something that I know I want deeply. Water says she wants a home with me, but she hasn’t taken many concrete steps towards making it a reality.
I always thought that we would travel internationally when we had worked on some financial issues to be able to get a home AND travel. I realize now that this was an unspoken assumption on my part. It is so painful to see her going on this trip, as I’m actively saying that I’m not ready for this, and I struggle with the financial implications of her taking two weeks off work. (Kayak is paying for this trip, which helps, but Water works a freelance job so she won’t get paid.
This trip is also happening only six months after the camping trip.
I have only been on a handful of dates, and only within the last couple of months. I have no other romantic partners yet, but I’m starting to feel some of the excitement and expansiveness ENM has to offer. Even considering this, I feel like I’m being pushed so far beyond my comfort zone, maybe unreasonably so? I have been so defensive. I want Water to validate that this is too soon for me and that her decision to go on this trip is having such a visceral impact on me, but she experiences a high amount of defensiveness. My activation can come off as judgmental, and she often defends herself with phrases like “I’m not doing anything wrong” and “You have agency to leave this relationship.” I want to clarify here that Water is incredibly loving and caring, but this situation has brought out some of the less flattering parts of both of us.
So we’re stuck in this pattern where neither of us are getting the validation we need to feel completely safe with one another. To make things more complicated, we’ve realized that our couples therapist is biased towards monogamy. Our therapist isn’t doing anything harmful, but it is obvious that she has much more compassion for my pain around this than Water’s hurt around my inability to process this, and how alone she’s feeling. I’ve also realized that my personal therapist of eight years has more of a monogamous bias than I realized. She has shown so much compassion and validation for my anger and frustrations with the situation, but doesn’t challenge me to engage with my "why" for choosing polyamory and provide ENM-focused tools to cope with this. I have started the process of finding a new personal therapist, and Water and I have a new couples therapist that we’re excited to work with when she returns. These will be great changes for after the trip.
I also don’t have any friends that practice ENM, so the same situation has come up where I’m getting a ton of validation for my anger and frustration, but not being encouraged to be accountable for my part in all this. I’m trying to do this for myself, but I’m really struggling with the lack of community and in-person resources (I can only listen to Polysecure and Polywise so many times).
There’s been a big shift in the last couple of weeks for me, where I’m experiencing less anger and am able to see a bigger picture. I wish this had happened sooner, but here I am with her leaving in a week.
She’s asking me to let her know what she can do to support me while she’s gone, but I’m having a hard time identifying what those things could be. I have no framework for what this will look like. What if every time she messages me I get activated and lose sleep? What if I request she not reach out, but then resent her for not connecting with me? I feel lost.
I would love to hear stories of how others transitioned from monogamy to ENM, and how they managed watching their partner do things with other partners that they thought would be exclusive to their relationship.
Another question is any recommendations for requests I can make of Water that could be supportive for me? Examples of what this could look like would be really helpful.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I’d love to read any thoughts people have. Take care.
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