How to cope with my partner of over two years travelling with their new partner of nine months

Hello Everyone,

FIRST POST
I (36 yo cis het male) discovered a thread on here through a Google search that I found helpful, so I thought I’d ask for some support in a situation I’m navigating.

Backstory:

My partner, we’ll call her Water, and I have been together for over two years. We began our relationship practicing monogamy, but we spoke about polyamory from the first date, and it was always a part of the conversation. I became comfortable in a monogamous rhythm, but Water was having conversations with a dear friend of hers (we’ll call him Kayak) who has been practicing ENM for years, and Water wanted to explore a relationship with him. I think it’s important to mention that polyamory is an orientation for Water, whereas it’s a lifestyle choice for me. Water was very patient with me in the early stages, creating an incremental container of opening to kissing, then sex, then overnights, etc. I tried my best to find my tether to polyamory, and my "whys" for making this change in my life, but, if I’m honest, it’s been a struggle for me.

Two months after we opened up, in August of ‘24, Water went on a weeklong camping trip with Kayak. This was a trip that they'd planned as friends about eight months prior, but it turned into a trip as partners once we opened up. I remember the moment that I realized that this trip would no longer be as friends, and it was incredibly activating for me. I kept telling myself narratives of “She was hoping for this” and how it was "really convenient that this trip was planned for this time."

I tried so hard to be okay with it, and I reached what I thought was a regulated state about it the week before the trip. When Water returned, I totally shut down. I did not take care of myself effectively while she was gone with Kayak. I self-isolated due to events getting cancelled, and just leaned into my routine.

I was in a place where I would be viscerally activated at any reminders of this trip. I felt miles away from being somatically ready to process my partner of two years going on a trip like this. I went through some heavy reflections after this trip. I learned more about the importance of community and the difference between intellectually deconstructing monogamous norms vs. feeling through these changes. I still have strong feelings about this trip, but it no longer is physically activating when it comes up.

Fast forward to today.

Water and Kayak are leaving next week for a two-week long trip to New Zealand. Water and I have not gone on an international trip together during our relationship. Water loves to travel and it’s always been important to her. It’s been more important to me to save money for a home, which is something that I know I want deeply. Water says she wants a home with me, but she hasn’t taken many concrete steps towards making it a reality.

I always thought that we would travel internationally when we had worked on some financial issues to be able to get a home AND travel. I realize now that this was an unspoken assumption on my part. It is so painful to see her going on this trip, as I’m actively saying that I’m not ready for this, and I struggle with the financial implications of her taking two weeks off work. (Kayak is paying for this trip, which helps, but Water works a freelance job so she won’t get paid.

This trip is also happening only six months after the camping trip.

I have only been on a handful of dates, and only within the last couple of months. I have no other romantic partners yet, but I’m starting to feel some of the excitement and expansiveness ENM has to offer. Even considering this, I feel like I’m being pushed so far beyond my comfort zone, maybe unreasonably so? I have been so defensive. I want Water to validate that this is too soon for me and that her decision to go on this trip is having such a visceral impact on me, but she experiences a high amount of defensiveness. My activation can come off as judgmental, and she often defends herself with phrases like “I’m not doing anything wrong” and “You have agency to leave this relationship.” I want to clarify here that Water is incredibly loving and caring, but this situation has brought out some of the less flattering parts of both of us.

So we’re stuck in this pattern where neither of us are getting the validation we need to feel completely safe with one another. To make things more complicated, we’ve realized that our couples therapist is biased towards monogamy. Our therapist isn’t doing anything harmful, but it is obvious that she has much more compassion for my pain around this than Water’s hurt around my inability to process this, and how alone she’s feeling. I’ve also realized that my personal therapist of eight years has more of a monogamous bias than I realized. She has shown so much compassion and validation for my anger and frustrations with the situation, but doesn’t challenge me to engage with my "why" for choosing polyamory and provide ENM-focused tools to cope with this. I have started the process of finding a new personal therapist, and Water and I have a new couples therapist that we’re excited to work with when she returns. These will be great changes for after the trip.

I also don’t have any friends that practice ENM, so the same situation has come up where I’m getting a ton of validation for my anger and frustration, but not being encouraged to be accountable for my part in all this. I’m trying to do this for myself, but I’m really struggling with the lack of community and in-person resources (I can only listen to Polysecure and Polywise so many times).

There’s been a big shift in the last couple of weeks for me, where I’m experiencing less anger and am able to see a bigger picture. I wish this had happened sooner, but here I am with her leaving in a week.

She’s asking me to let her know what she can do to support me while she’s gone, but I’m having a hard time identifying what those things could be. I have no framework for what this will look like. What if every time she messages me I get activated and lose sleep? What if I request she not reach out, but then resent her for not connecting with me? I feel lost.

I would love to hear stories of how others transitioned from monogamy to ENM, and how they managed watching their partner do things with other partners that they thought would be exclusive to their relationship.

Another question is any recommendations for requests I can make of Water that could be supportive for me? Examples of what this could look like would be really helpful.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I’d love to read any thoughts people have. Take care.
 
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Welcome.

Sorry this is a tough time. You are totally fine for feeling it's all too soon and too fast.

Two months after opening up, already on trip with Kayak? How about dating and overnights first? Usually couples take some months to do research together, read, discuss wants and needs.

Are you guys living together? Do you have financial entanglements? Does Water have a more relationship-anarchist approach to connections where each have their own freedom and autonomy? (Hence she goes on this big trip with Kayak.)

Have you and Water discussed the non-relationship escalator menu where you discuss the wants and needs of each dyad?

Here is a link for poly-friendly therapists if you are in search for a new one.

It doesn't sound you and Water haven't even discussed the BIG things yet before doing polyamory.

https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https://preview.redd.it/oah2zu2el2q71.png?width=1080&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=7354377325bb5c2a140cc7ec75fb0a4b0985dc64

Water could be supportive by blocking some time in her itinerary for a video call when she is having her alone time. If you feel better that she doesn't text you when she is with Kayak, you have to make that clear. For the rest, I have no ideas, but I am sure other expert members on here will chime in.
 
Welcome.

Sorry this is a tough time. You are totally fine for feeling it's all too soon and too fast.

Two months after opening up already on trip with Kayak? How about dating and overnights first? Usually couples take some months to do research together, read, discuss wants and needs.

Are you guys living together? Do you have financial entanglements? Does Water have a more relationship-anarchist approach to connections, where each have their own freedom and autonomy? (Hence she goes on this big trip with Kayak.)

Have you and Water discussed the non-relationship escalator menu, where you discuss the wants and needs of each dyad?

Here is a link for poly-friendly therapists if you are in search for a new one.

It doesn't sound you and Water haven't even discussed the BIG things yet before doing polyamory.

https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https://preview.redd.it/oah2zu2el2q71.png?width=1080&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=7354377325bb5c2a140cc7ec75fb0a4b0985dc64

Water could be supportive by blocking some time in her itinerary for a video call when she is having her alone time. If you feel better that she doesn't text you when she is with Kayak, you have to make that clear. For the rest, I have no ideas, but I am sure other expert members on here will chime in.
Thank you for responding. Honestly, just seeing that someone read this and responded feels lovely.

We don't live together, but we have talked and fantasized about living together. That being said, I have definitely been the more excited partner when it comes to buying a house together. We are still finding the words that feel best for us. Water has said that she doesn't think of me as a "primary partner," but as an "anchor partner," but I think she also thinks of Kayak as an anchor partner, so more conversation about this would be helpful.

The non-relationship escalator menu is not something I have seen! I will definitely do this with Water. I'll have to decide if before or after the trip makes the most sense. Thank you for your thoughts!
 
“I’m not doing anything wrong” and “You have agency to leave this relationship."
While you want a nesting partner and the life-building with Water, she doesn't seem interested at this moment in working on the same things as you, but rather on going off to the other side of the world and having a solo-poly like approach to her relationships.

I'd say discuss the escalator before she goes on the big trip, so you know where you stand and do not prolong the agony of not being on the same wavelength. But it's up to you if that feels best for you.
 
We don't live together, but we have talked and fantasized about living together. That being said, I have definitely been the more excited partner when it comes to buying a house together.
Isn't this very premature? You haven't even lived together yet, but you would like to buy together, while Water is giving you hints to leave this situation. Water doesn't sound so stable to me.
 
Hello Dreamsofexpansion,

They say comparison is the thief of joy, you are comparing yourself with Kayak (and what he is getting), and when you do, you are coming up with the short end of the stick. The thing you should focus on here, is what you need, rather than what Kayak gets. For example maybe you need an international trip with Water. That is the thing to focus on, rather than that Kayak got that. Or maybe what you need is for Water to put some effort into saving up for buying a home. Whatever it is you need, that is what you should focus on. Hopefully Polyamory.com can serve as a polyamorous community for you. We are here to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
They say comparison is the thief of joy. You are comparing yourself with Kayak (and what he is getting), and when you do, you are coming up with the short end of the stick. The thing you should focus on here is what you need, rather than what Kayak gets. For example, maybe you need an international trip with Water. That is the thing to focus on, rather than that Kayak got that. Or maybe what you need is for Water to put some effort into saving up for buying a home. Whatever it is you need, that is what you should focus on. Hopefully polyamory.com can serve as a community for you.
This is excellent advice, and something I've thought about. I'm curious. Is this ever a valid need: "I need your escalation with your other partner to be at a slower pace"? I know that this focuses on Water's relationship with Kayak, and ultimately is a request to adjust their behavior, instead of focusing on my relationship with Water. But also, Water's relationship with Kayak impacts me. I know it doesn't impact my physical safety, but it does have a huge emotional impact on me.

This is where I get lost. How do I validate that this is hard for me and find requests that will support that, while also respecting Water's autonomy? Thanks!
 
It's a complicated problem, you will have to work it out a little at a time. Sure you are emotionally affected by Water's relationship with Kayak, but you just want to lean away from that and towards your needs independent of Kayak if/when you can.
 
Hey Dreams. Welcome to the forum.

How old are Water and Kayak? Sometimes expectations are colored by the phase in life we are in, and/or the maturity of the individual.

IMO, the best way adjust or transition is to recalibrate all expectations, hopes and dreams. You want to buy a house/condo? Great. Plan on it being you alone. Want to travel or visit a specific place? Make those short-range simple plans.

I think it’s naive and ultimately counterproductive to just ignore the elephant in the room and solely focus on your needs, because they’re always going to intersect.

Is Kayak seeing other people, testing, safe-sex practices, accidental pregnancy, time share, etc., etc.? How enmeshed everyone becomes (their relationship will have an escalator too), the more crossover you get.

I think you should read the poly hell article, and also pass it along to Water to read to get familiar with demotion, displacement and intrusion, so as to get ahead of some common issues.
 
Hi Dreams,

I just wanted to say, from reading your post, that you sound like a pretty awesome person-- thoughtful, kind, empathetic, and willing to do hard emotional work and to let Water be happy the way she wants to be.

The fact that you are so empathetic about recognizing the monogamous biases in your couples counsellor and your therapist, and in particular about recognizing how hard that is for Water, is pretty amazing and self-aware of you.

I too have encountered biases towards monogamy in therapists (big time!) and it is hard to get actual help from such therapists.

Ditto on not having friends who practice ENM. I have never been able to talk to them about my dating life. They don't want to hear about it when it's going well, and if it's going badly, they say the problem is ENM, so of course I'd be hurt practicing ENM.

It makes sense that you don't feel okay about Water going on this big international trip with Kayak.

I think there are two separate issues with her trip. The first has nothing to do with polyamory. It's that your priority is saving up to buy a house, while Water's priority is travel. You now realize that you don't have the same goals. You are taking steps to save money for a house, but she is not doing anything concrete to buy a house with you.

She's allowed to have different priorities and to decide her priority is travel, even if it means never owning a home. Some people make that choice and are happy to spend all their life in an apartment with more freedom to travel the world. She may prefer freelancing so she can take vacations when she wants to, even if that means not getting vacation pay.

But the problem is she vaguely claims to want to buy a house with you and live in it with you someday. So, that is contradictory to what she's actually doing with her life, which is NOT saving money to buy a house with you.

Relationships can sometimes work even when partners have very opposite approaches to life. But they each have to appreciate those opposite, complementary qualities, and they have to figure out compatible goals for a compatible future, even within their opposite approaches.

It can be a weird/unconventional future, for example: deciding you will live separately forever, and keep your money separate, even while being committed life partners; or that you will buy a house on your own and Water can live in it with you some of the time, but travel freely on her own at other times; or that you both want to do some international traveling BEFORE settling down to buy a house.

So, I think this first problem has very little to do with polyamory. It's the question of how and where you and Water want to live in the future and what your future life together would like, and what steps you each need to take to work toward that goal. Ultimately, it may turn out that you aren't able to get on the same page about that, and you aren't long-term compatible.

The second problem with the international trip DOES have to do with polyamory. You are envious (and quite reasonably so) that Water gets to go on an international trip with her new partner and not with you. I can understand why that hurts.

Oh, I see in rereading your post that the New Zealand trip is happening next week already. Okay, so, it's happening. You are worried about how you will feel when they are on the trip.

Other poly people have definitely been in the same boat, wondering if they will feel better or worse if their partner traveling on a romantic trip with someone else either does or does not contact them. There is no one right answer.

Feelings are just feelings. They won't kill you. It's okay to feel sad, jealous, hurt, angry. All feelings pass. Maybe make some plans to distract yourself for those two weeks. It's only two weeks, not two months.

Maybe try to think of it as her traveling with a friend, especially if it's a trip you wouldn't want to do yourself. (Personally, I hate camping, and I bet they're doing camping/adventure travel stuff in New Zealand. I love travel, but that's not where I'd go, and I need to sleep a in real bed.) You're sad you don't get to take a trip with her. But it's just two weeks. It will be over soon.

I don't know that I have specific advice for you, or suggestions of what would help, or what you could ask Water to do. I identify more with Water than with you, as I feel I am oriented toward non-monogamy, and I am currently dating a monogamous person who may (or may not) be open to non-monogamy.

But I also have been in a poly relationship with a partner whose NRE for a new partner was devastating for me, and hearing about his days with her was just awful. But then, when we decided to talk less, I missed him a lot. So I understand if you don't know whether you want to hear much from Water on her trip, or not.

I do think Water has jumped the gun with planning these trips with her new partner when you're not ready. But, since you've only been with Water for two years, you are still getting to know who she is as a person long-term. You can decide that you aren't compatible with who she is as a person; or you can decide that you are happy with her even though she is different from you.
 
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