What do you mean? Why do you have to "get over" it so fast? I know it doesn't feel great, but don't rush yourself through your process. Work with your counselor.
She didn't use BC, and neither did he. Neither of them chose to hold to that agreement. There doesn't have to be deception for you to be disappointed/upset that neither one held to the agreement on that side of the V.
Did you mean... did she deceive your husband? If he was using condoms for his BC, would it matter if she tried to deceive him or not? He's still responsible for every sperm that leaves his body. He is still responsible for doing his part to hold to that agreement, whether she holds to her part or not.
Did you mean... is your husband deceiving you by feigning ignorance or confusion, like, putting it all on her? He's still responsible for every sperm that leaves his body. He is still responsible for doing his part to hold to that agreement, whether she does or not.
If you don't already have your wills and child guardianship and other legal things sorted, if something were to happen to you or your husband, sort that out NOW. Protect yourself and your child. There's gonna be another kid if the pregnancy goes to term, and that kid will have inheritance rights and whatnot from their dad, your husband. A consequence of him doing this unplanned pregnancy thing is you seeing a lawyer, and getting all parties protected and sorted with this new life event on the horizon. You and your 10-yr old should not get the short end of the stick because your husband was sloppy about this (legal) stuff too.
You may not want to divorce him. You might forgive him once. Another consequence might be drawing up post-nuptial agreements and getting an emergency divorce plan laid out, so that if MORE shenanigans ensue, you have the divorce parachute in place and ready to go, and will not have to make an emergency plan in the middle of NEW wacky. That might give you peace of mind if you choose to continue to be married to him.
It's like, people don't WANT their plane to crash, but they still pack emergency parachutes, just in case.
You might also choose to change to separate banking, and only having one joint checking for shared house bills and kid care, if you don't do it that way already.
Why not? He could take personal responsibility and ask all his partners what they're using on their side.
On his side, he could use condoms. Then he wouldn't actually need to know if she was being honest about using BC or not when she answers him. He can still slap on a condom if the goal with her is to avoid pregnancy/prevent STIs, like, 2 people watching out for that, rather than just 1 or 0.
I suggest you talk to your counselor about that. I can't give you examples of boundaries if you aren't clear on what you want to be safe from or secure about. I also think it's okay if you decide you have lost all confidence and trust in him. Some people end up not trustworthy. You don't have to bend into pretzels to trust them again to the same level. It's okay to not trust them that much any more.
If it's basic physical health stuff, if you no longer wish to TTC with him, start using condoms with him, or stop sharing sex with him. If you wish to prevent STIs, start using condoms with him, or stop sharing sex with him, and/or get regular labs done.
I think you are in shock. Go easy on yourself and talk to your professionals. He made a big mess and now it's affecting you. You don't have to be in a hurry to "get over it." This is BIG. It's okay to take some time to process it. You don't have to make big decisions right now. But it's okay to learn what your options are.
It's also okay to take a time out and just... breathe. This is a LOT!
Galagirl
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