How to cope with OSO's "unplanned pregnancy"

[KND]

I view boundaries as what we set for ourselves and not others. If boundaries are for others, that's control. Still, how we act when someone does not respect our boundaries is up to us and this would amount to holding them accountable.

As far as accountability goes, if you had a boundary of what happens if GF got pregnant, holding him accountable would be easier- you just do what you agreed. It does not seem a boundary was really set. What you agreed upon was more of a desire--- have safe-sex so GF does not get pregnant. Still, here you are wanting to move forward with a relationship where your partner has made a pretty big mistake and squashed a strongly held desire. I do not see anything wrong with that if it is what you want. In the end, it could all turn out quite beautiful.

You asked for suggestions on accountability. I offer these in terms of how I might approach it if I were in your position. This is just me, but I hope reading my approach will help you find yours. I would:

• Decide how involved I wanted to be in the pregnancy. If they end the pregnancy, I would not be involved in any way financially or otherwise. I would not even give them a ride to the clinic as these would be real-life consequences of their inaction (this would simply be some accountability). I would offer my emotional support (this would simply be loving).
• If they continued the pregnancy, I would view myself as a grandparent or a cool uncle. I would not want to be a parent. Although, over time, I could see myself changing on that point. I believe it would be easy to fall in love with the child. Just the same, unless I really really changed my mind, they would have to deal with the money, finding schools, changing diapers, lining up babysitting and so forth (more accountability). These 'details' would be hard boundaries to keep, but I would keep them or leave the situation.
• I would decide upon and set clear boundaries for what happens if more children or STDs; probably, I would insist on frequent testing for STDs, at least for a time period; trust has been damaged and needs to be reestablished (more accountability).

 

[FeralGeek]

Do you have any suggestions for ways to hold them accountable without disrupting everything? I feel like I’m in the numb stage of this. I wanted all the answers at first. And now I’m just feeling like “whatever”. The first appointment is in a few weeks so this is all still really new.

Sounds like you’ve got a bit of burnout from trying to carry this all on your own. Do you have a good emotional support system outside of your partner? Friends, family, therapist? This is a lot to deal with.

The only way to hold anyone accountable is to be willing to go through with the consequences if they continue to disregard the rules, which absolutely would disrupt everything. It seems like so far they’ve figured out that you WON’T hold them accountable, which is why they keep pushing things. He seems like he’s pretty content to risk losing you, and until that’s not the case, OR you’re willing to lose him too, there’s no accountability to be had here.

• I would decide upon and set clear boundaries for what happens if more children or STDs; probably, I would insist on frequent testing for STDs, at least for a time period; trust has been damaged and needs to be reestablished (more accountability).

KND said a bunch of what I’m trying to say, but better. I’m seeing zero trust right now and until they put in some effort to reestablish trust with you, I don’t see anything changing for the better.

But seriously, take care of yourself. I’m sure any number of us would be happy to talk or just listen.

 

[Tinwen]

This is done (and it's ok to grieve), but there are new big dilemmas coming up regarding agreements, boundaries and accountability: How he divides his time between two homes, where one will now have a baby in need. If he basically moves on, spending a lot of time at her's, taking up parental responsibility (commendable!), but neglecting you at the same time, what will you do?

I'm not sure what I'd do. Hopefully he's mindful of the dynamics and you can find an ever-changing rhythm that suits everyone.

 

[Needsupport]

Sounds like you’ve got a bit of burnout from trying to carry this all on your own. Do you have a good emotional support system outside of your partner? Friends, family, therapist? This is a lot to deal with.

The only way to hold anyone accountable is to be willing to go through with the consequences if they continue to disregard the rules, which absolutely would disrupt everything. It seems like so far they’ve figured out that you WON’T hold them accountable, which is why they keep pushing things. He seems like he’s pretty content to risk losing you, and until that’s not the case, OR you’re willing to lose him too, there’s no accountability to be had here.

KND said a bunch of what I’m trying to say, but better. I’m seeing zero trust right now and until they put in some effort to reestablish trust with you, I don’t see anything changing for the better.

But seriously, take care of yourself. I’m sure any number of us would be happy to talk or just listen.

I do have somewhat of a support system but nobody that really understands. This group has already helped me a lot.

 

[Needsupport]

This is done (and it's ok to grieve), but there are new big dilemmas coming up regarding agreements, boundaries and accountability: How he divides his time between two homes, where one will now have a baby in need. If he basically moves on, spending a lot of time at her's, taking up parental responsibility (commendable!), but neglecting you at the same time, what will you do?

I'm not sure what I'd do. Hopefully he's mindful of the dynamics and you can find an ever-changing rhythm that suits everyone.

We also have a child and I don’t think he will neglect us, but I also understand that there will be a bigger need for him to support her during pregnancy and parenting. I am trying to have open and honest communication with them but I feel that he is very overwhelmed and she has no desire to include me as of yet. Time will tell I guess

 

[MeeraReed]

How old are you, your husband, and the girlfriend? How long have you been with/married to your husband?

 

[Needsupport]

How old are you, your husband, and the girlfriend? How long have you been with/married to your husband?

I am 35, he is 36, she is 26. We have been together 14 years. They have been together 5 months

 

[dingedheart]

How old is your child and does he or she know dad has a gf and a half sibling on the way ?

 

[Needsupport]

How old is your child and does he or she know dad has a gf and a half sibling on the way ?

He is 10 and he does not know yet. But will within the next few weeks.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Hi, and welcome.

This is tough. I hope you will find a way to give all these emotions a place somewhere soon.

We also have a child and I don’t think he will neglect us, but I also understand that there will be a bigger need for him to support her during pregnancy and parenting. I am trying to have open and honest communication with them but I feel that he is very overwhelmed and she has no desire to include me as of yet. Time will tell, I guess.

What stood out to me is that you mentioned in your OP that you and Meta had a good friendship up until all this.

They have betrayed you. The absolute minimum is to give you open and honest communication about all this. I would suggest you request a 1-1 with Meta and one with Husband. Take some space, seek a therapist, and set up a date in the calendar with them. Do you think that would help?

 

[dingedheart]

He is 10 and he does not know yet. But will within the next few weeks.

How do you anticipate that will go ? Or could that add more stress to an already stressful situation?

 

[GalaGirl]

FWIW? These stuck out to me.

• There was some “lost” birth control and my husband also admitted that he had not been using condoms.
• As far as I know she is not dating anyone else and has not been with anyone else. So pretty positive.
• We do have one child and have been trying for another.

So while TTC with you, husband has been having bare sex with this GF, who may or may not be seeing other people, which means husband could pass an STI to you or your potential baby if you were to get pregnant.

So basically, your husband shared bare sex without giving you full info so you could give full consent. He was gonna keep on with that, but oops! Pregnant. Can't hide that. So he put not just your health at risk, but the health of the child you two were trying to make. If so, that seems really careless/cavalier, and that might be part of you feeling upset/betrayed.

• I feel like I’m in the numb stage of this. I wanted all the answers at first. And now I’m just feeling like “whatever." The first appointment is in a few weeks, so this is all still really new.

I think you could step back and not help them with any pregnancy appointment things.

You sound like you are in shock and your brain is trying to protect you from impact by going numb. Eventually things will start "turning back on," and you might be surprised by your anger. You might think about talking to a counselor about all that is happening, how to process, and what you want to do.

Along with getting your STI labs done, and not sharing bare sex with husband at this time (or at all), you might also take separate bedrooms, if possible in your floor plan, or take turns on the couch, or with the kid in their room, because sleeping in the same bed/room and still going on with TTC, acting like all is hunky dory when it just isn't, won't feel great.

Carve out a little space for yourself. Take a time out. Deal with YOU and your current child first. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

This might help you find a counselor --

www.polyfriendly.org

Don't get involved with the GF and her child. Don't be unkind to the baby, because it's just a baby. But it's okay NOT to be involved over there. Your so-called friend was okay with the lies of omission your husband was doing. And she was okay being sloppy with BC and sharing bare sex. Her own health/pregnancy could be at risk from him. I mean, if he's lying here, he could be lying to her, too, and have some third partner squirreled away somewhere. That's the problem with lies and eroding trust.

Do not help her/them, do not babysit, do not advise them on the pregnancy or parenting. Do not try to be the "cool friend" or "cool auntie/uncle" person. You are NOT this child's relative.

Just be basic polite if you happen to bump into her now, or later with the baby, like you would deal with running into your plumber at the store with their baby. Be like, "Good morning. Let me get the door, you have the baby in a stroller," and let her pass. Be polite, just like you would with a total stranger with a stroller. Holding the door doesn't mean you care deeply about her. You are just being decent to a mother with a baby in a stroller.

Next, why does your 10-yr old need to know that Dad's GF is pregnant at this moment? Are we super confident she can carry to term safely? Is the fetus already viable outside the womb? People sometimes have problems. Maybe it's okay to wait until the baby is actually here to tell your child they have a half sibling. You might run all that by a counselor first too. Give yourself more time. I'm not wishing her ill or anything, but people sometimes act like mothers/babies will just be automatically fine, all the way across. Not all of them will be; so involving your child this soon... I wouldn't be excited about that.

Are you all out as poly to all relatives already, or not so much? Would your kid blabbing the half-sibling baby news innocently to relatives or school or whoever bring NEW complications you aren't quite ready to address when you're already feeling numb?

Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

I feel that it was a mistake on my husband's part, because he thought that she was on birth control.

He just figured she'd be responsible for everything so he can skip his share of responsibilities? Whether or not a sex partner uses BC, he's still responsible for where he puts his sperm and his use of BC.

He wasn't going to suggest a female condom if he didn't like male condoms? Or having Plan B or similar available?

He did also say that he did not know she missed almost a month of her birth control. But then again, he did not use protection.

That sounds like passing the responsibility buck on to the GF (who isn't there to say boo about that behavior) because why doesn't he know? He's sharing sex with a partner regularly, and is not in tune with her cycle and their own dyad's BC agreements/preferences?

Does he do that? Blame the one who isn't there? Like with you he passes the buck on to the GF? With the GF he passes the buck on to you?

I did know that he did not like using protection, but I still expressed my boundaries about that, and he chose to disregard them.

What IS your personal boundary, written out, like you said it to him?

What were/are the consequences if he goes out of bounds? Did you state those to him?

To me, "personal boundaries" are agreements you have with yourself to keep yourself safe from shenanigans.

"Shared agreements" are something you agree to do along with someone else. He agreed to use condoms or other BC with the GF, and then blew it off after promising you. He made agreements in bad faith with no intention of actually keeping them. He was lying. That might be adding to your feelings of upset and betrayal.

We also have a child. I don’t think he will neglect us, but I also understand that there will be a bigger need for him to support her during pregnancy and parenting.

But you also thought he'd be more responsible since he made that shared agreement to not have kids with GF.

Do y'all have your wills and things sorted, or do you need to talk to a lawyer to make sure you and your kid are protected? Do you have your own job and separate banking? You don't have to share personal details online. But I encourage you to really think out your situation.

Why exactly do you and your 10-yr old not need the same care and support from your husband as his GF and their new pregnancy/potential baby? A 10-yr old doesn't need things like diapers any more, but they need their age-appropriate things. You may not need prenatal care right now, but you also need things.

I am trying to have open and honest communication with them, but I feel that he is very overwhelmed, and she has no desire to include me as of yet. Time will tell, I guess.

Open and honest communication about WHAT? If it's groceries and the 10-yr old's care, okay. But for bigger picture stuff, I really think you'd benefit from talking to a counselor first.

He probably is overwhelmed.

And honestly? You don't need to be included in her life/her potential baby's life. You might even be better NOT getting involved in all that. He'd have bio parent rights. You do not have anything.

It's like you are being "too nice" or something. I'm worried about you.

You might decide to STOP trying to conceive at this time with him. It's too many moving parts to bring on another new possible baby right now. And if some shit hits the fan, it might be better if you are a single parent to a 10-yr old only, than to a 10-yr old AND a newborn.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I think you are being way too nice about this right now. Maybe it's part of the disbelief/numb thing.

This really stinks. You did nothing wrong, and now you have all this stress and upheaval just because your husband can't be bothered to put on a condom and be responsible about his sex life with others.

Was he like this before with you? The birth control work was all on you, and he was like, "Whatever you want, honey?" That might sound nice on the surface, but it's not him taking responsibility for his fair share of the birth control, trying to avoid conception or trying to conceive stuff. It's passing the responsibility buck.

Also, I also think if this is polyamory, it should be open on all sides, and you're not dating because you don't feel like it, so you're choosing not to exercise your option right now, not because the option does not even exist for you. IS the option on the table for you?

What are you afraid of disrupting? It isn't you who did anything wrong.

It is okay to let the natural consequences follow, starting with, "No, I'm not sharing sex with you right now. I want all the STI labs to be done first. And no, I changed my mind about TTCing with you. The last thing this situation needs is ANOTHER incoming baby. And no, I don't want to tell our 10-yr old that they are going to have a half sibling until the baby is viable outside the womb. Pregnancy sometimes has complications, and I don't want to explain a miscarriage to a 10-yr old. There's enough going on here. Let's skip the skippable parts."

GG

 

[Tinwen]

Galagirl, I don't know. She's 36 and wants another kid and you're telling her not to conceive. While I get trust with husband is tricky now, isn't that punishing herself? It's probably good to take a timeout to let everything sink in, but it isn't like there's endless time. While some women do have babies over 40, the rapid fertility decline around this age is real. She could just as well regret missing her window because of this upheaval.