How to deal with 2° relationship stresses affecting 1° relationship

[Amanita]

Hi all,

I'm wondering how others deal with it when stresses in a secondary relationship spill over into the primary relationship. Astraeus and Daedalea are currently dealing with their first major relationship speed bump, which has to do with communication and honesty about difficult feelings, etc. Daedalea's partner Suillus has just been home for Christmas and Astraeus is feeling quite hurt by some things that Daedalea has done (mostly re: shutting him out at a difficult time when good communication was really necessary). As a consequence he is feeling very unsure of himself and their relationship. Naturally, he is preoccupied with this, and it's been our main topic of conversation for about the last three weeks or so.

Because he's so preoccupied (and me too, to be honest), that means our relationship is rather suffering from lack of attention. We're doing mostly okay in general - we still communicate really well - but I'm missing the relaxed intimacy and the playful, erotic spark that we have had recently when things have been good.

Tonight Astraeus is going to see Daedalea to talk about things, which will be the first opportunity they've had to talk alone for the past three weeks, since this all started going wrong. I'm feeling very anxious and unsettled, not only because of the issue at hand, but also because it's the first time since they've had a proper date in three weeks, and because it's out of synch with our usual arrangement (they usually meet later in the week).

TL;DR: I'm feeling oogy and don't know what to do with my yuck feelings. I've already told Astraeus how I'm feeling, and we're supporting each other as best we can. I'm up to the bit where I have to get myself through my own difficult feelings. Any tips greatly appreciated!

ETA: Actually, any tips on how to get through this successfully both as individuals and in our various relationships would be very helpful!

Amanita

 

[Dagferi]

Your post is confusing...

Having a hard time figuring out who is with whom. And who has what sort of relationship with each other.

I personally do not allow one relationship effect another. I do not bring others into issues that do not concern them.

 

[Amanita]

Hi Dagferi,
Sorry about the confusion. To clarify: Astraeus is my husband. Daedalea is his lover, and Suillus is her long-term partner. Does this help?

I'm curious how you avoid having one relationship affect another. For example, any tension between Astraeus and Daedalea affects me, because I love them both and communicate with them both every day. But I think even if I didn't know or like Daedalea, if things were difficult between her and Astraeus I'd still feel the effects because I live with Astraeus and would notice that he wasn't happy.

Amanita

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome to the polymath.

You could change your expectation. You could expect that at times your relationships will affect your other relationships. The reality of being IN a polyship.

• If you go theme park all day with your husband, he might not be up for a theme park date with his GF the next day because his feet are sore. What he did with you yesterday affects what he can do with her today.

You do not live in a vacuum. Relationships affect other relationship in the polymath.

• To what DEGREE they affect you?
• When/where you are RESPONSIBLE for doing anything?

That's another matter based on your shared agreements with these people.

If you current problem is this:

our relationship is rather suffering from lack of attention. We're doing mostly okay in general - we still communicate really well - but I'm missing the relaxed intimacy and the playful, erotic spark

You could ask your husband on a date. Out of the house or in the house -- doesn't matter. But the point is that you want to spend time together and give the (You + DH) layer some time and attention and share intimacy/playfulness on that date.

Maybe you could feel better about it once the date is on the calendar?

For example, any tension between Astraeus and Daedalea affects me, because I love them both and communicate with them both every day.

You feel concern because you know they are having problems and care for them. Fair enough. Express concern for them and that you hope they work out whatever it is between them on the couple level.

• (You) <--> (Astraeus and Daedalea) layer of your polymath.

But I think even if I didn't know or like Daedalea, if things were difficult between her and Astraeus I'd still feel the effects because I live with Astraeus and would notice that he wasn't happy.

You feel concern because you care for him.

• (You) <--> (Astraeus) layer of your polymath.

You could express concern for your husband and express that you hope he works things out with her ok on the individual level.

Feeling concern about your loved ones is appropriate feeling for the situation. How is this a problem? You do not know how to behave towards each of them or them as a couple right now?

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Shoot, I am having some minor to medium hard issues with my bf right now, and my live-in gf sure knows about it! She lets me vent, she holds me, she gives me her opinion, empathy, etc.

Also, when he came over last night, she spent less time hanging out with us so we'd have space to talk or fuck or whatever.

For us, having troubles with other partners or potential partners are issues we share in supporting each other through, just like any other life issue that comes along, work troubles, family issues, health problems, car trouble, ill pets, whatever.

 

[Dagferi]

It is easy to keep my relationships from effecting each other. If there is an issue between me and one of my guys and me the other guy will notice my mood. They will ask me what is wrong. I will explain hey it is an issue between so and so and myself you and I are fine. I do not go into details or involve the other partner. Why? Frankly because it isn't about them. My guys are friendly outside of my involvement and I do not want to skew their views of each other.

Do you get emotionally spun when two friends in your social circle have issues with each other?

I do not involve my adult son in issues between Butch and myself for them same reason.

 

[Amanita]

GalaGirl, thank you for your thoughts! I spotted that polymath article in one of your comments elsewhere, so I, Astraeus and Daedalea have already read it. It's really enlightening - I hadn't really considered how many different combinations of relationships there were just between four people. Mind-boggling!

Thanks also for your deconstruction of the layers of relationship (if that's a good way of putting it). I'm not so much bothered by feeling worried about Astraeus and Daedalea, as I am by the feelings of unsettlement that come up in me as a result. I'm more looking for how I can take care of myself, I guess. Sometimes just having a little rant with my friend (or writing a message here) is enough to get it off my chest.

Magdlyn, your relationship sounds quite similar to mine with Astraeus. We talk about absolutely everything, and I do my best to support him in the same way your gf does you (and he does the same for me, when I'm having trouble).

Dagferi, I guess we have quite different styles - I don't think I could maintain the same sorts of boundaries as you do. I suspect this may partly be a personality thing, but also because we are in different situations (e.g. your splitting of time between your partners is very different to what Astraeus has with Daedalea and me). But that doesn't matter - what works for you works for you, and vice versa for me. I do appreciate you telling about how you deal with these things though - it's always useful to hear how other people handle things differently.

And finally, in a late news item, I have just heard from a very happy and relieved Astraeus. He and Daedalea had a really great talk this evening, and it sounds like they are back on track again. Hurrah! Now he is on his way home and I can't wait to give him a huge hug when he walks in. I'm so happy that they have sorted things out between them, and I'm looking forward to reconnecting with my beloved <3

Thank you all for your input, much appreciated!

Amanita

 

[Dagferi]

I used to share everything with Butch and he of course would get upset with Murf. He wanted to take care of me and protect me. I had vice versa happen in regards to Butch from Murf. I was giving them my version of what happened but you know what there is my side, his side and the truth.

Things have been emotionally peaceful since I changed how much I share. Of course if something huge happens we share. But the little bumps are between the parties involved .

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad things worked out between them in the end.

Could think about it for next time though.

I'm not so much bothered by feeling worried about Astraeus and Daedalea, as I am by the feelings of unsettlement that come up in me as a result.

Does that mean:

"Feeling concern for them when I know they are having a hooha bothers me. But it doesn't bother me as much as feeling unsettled/anxious because I don't know how long this hooha will last or when it will be over.

I am not a part of the (A + D) layer of the polymath. It isn't on me to solve it. But I am here watching it. I don't like feeling powerless and not able to do anything when people I care about are having UGH. It makes me feel anxious in my stomach and then I worry in my head."​

Next time you feel anxiety because they are having hooa? You can do this again:

Sometimes just having a little rant with my friend (or writing a message here) is enough to get it off my chest.

Perhaps that helps quell some of the anxious in your stomach.

And you can remind yourself that you got through it THIS time. You can handle feeling anxious. It isn't going to kill you. Perhaps that lessens the worries in your head.

You can ask each of then individually and as a couple if there is anything you can do to aid/comfort them at this time. If they are not willing to receive, give space. Perhaps that alleviates the "feeling powerless" thing. You have done something -- you offered.

You are not in ALL the polymath layers. But what happens in them affect you.

(A + D) have a hooha on that layer. So on the

[You <--> (A+D) ]
[You + A + D]
[You + A]
[you + D]

layers you might feel waves.

You sign up to be willing to feel some tolerable rocking of the boat sometimes, because the benefits of being in polyship are worth the return on your investment.

So long as that holds true for you, could call the "yuckies" part of the "price of admission" to the show. In your arrangement you guys DO want to share everything between you.

If/when that no longer serves, the hinge could share LESS "cross info" to spare the metas upset, and find an outlet in a friend when they have hinge problems.

Find constructive ways to deal with your own anxiety when it happens, and find ways with your people to keep the waves/rocking of the boat to a tolerable level for all.

It is what it is.

Galagirl