How to deal with betrayal?

[ranitomeya]

Hi, I'm seeking advice on how to deal with betrayal. I'm sorry in advance for such a long post, but I need to get it out.

I've been with my partner for a year now. I've been practising polyamory for 4 years and he has for 6, so none of us is new to this. However, I have bad anxiety and am also on the spectrum, so dealing with broken trust is extremely hard for me.

My partner told me about his ex, who he was with for 5 years, shortly after we started dating, when I saw a message on his phone (accidentally when I walked past him with his phone in his hands), that was super long, and I asked him if there was someone he hadn't told me about, or had unfinished business with. That was a month and a half into us dating. It was the first time he told me about her, that they had been together for 5 years, but broke up a while ago, and that it had been hard on her because she has multiple sclerosis, and so she still texts him sometimes.

As time went on, she kept texting him. He always told me about it, and it got really toxic between them, because she was trying to get him back manipulatively. He also found out about some really sick things she did while they were in a relationship.

So a few times, when we talked about her, I asked him when exactly they broke up, and his answer was that he didn't remember, which I believed, because he really does have trouble remembering time, because he's constantly super busy. But then I asked again to see if maybe he remembered, and his answer seemed like he didn't want to talk about it, which felt strange, because we always told each other everything (or so I thought). To paint a better picture for you, we always prided ourselves in being completely honest at all times, resolving conflict was like a model case from therapists on how to resolve issues. Everything was great, and I trusted him with my life, and I believed he'd never lie to me. He helped me with my anxiety so much that even my friend who's a psychologist was in awe for how much I've gotten better.

So, we bumped into his ex two weeks ago accidentally in a restaurant. Then she texted him, saying how she wanted to beat him up. We talked about how mean that was, and then something inside me made me ask again about the time of their breakup. I guess the inconsistency in his answers from before just wouldn't let me let go. But I honestly thought he didn't remember, so I asked to see if he'd offer to find out. Not in a million years would I have thought he'd lied to me.

And then he said what I really didn't expect. He said that he was still dating her when we met, and the last time he saw her (and slept with her) was two months into us dating. He says that he only slept with her once while we were together, and that it was also the last time he saw her. He says she wished to spend one last night with him, and so he agreed, but didn't expect to be intimate with her, because he'd been trying to break up with her for over two months, but she wouldn't accept it. And so he wanted to see her to discuss it in person. But apparently, the weight of the situation and all the emotions, her breaking down and crying, made him vulnerable, and he gave in to intimacy. It happened 10 months ago and he told me about it a little over a week ago.

He said he lied about not being with anyone else besides his wife (I asked him about this the first day we met), because he was scared I wouldn't want him anymore, and that he knew that the relationship was ending anyway, so he felt like the lie wasn't that bad. But then the lie grew and when that night happened, when he cheated on me, he realised the weight of the situation.

I'd told him many times about how when I lose trust in someone, it's almost impossible to build it back. So as time went by, it was harder and harder for him to tell me, because he didn't want to lose me.

When I found out, I felt like the person I knew wasn't there anymore. My life came crashing down and I've never felt so betrayed. I always said I wouldn't forgive this kind of betrayal. But I love him so much. I do believe that he hasn't lied about anything else and that something that wasn't a big lie grew into this massive betrayal that I now feel the weight of.

So now I'm here, a little ball of anxiety, feeling like even though I do everything right and give my all, I just can't seem to get the same amount of honestly back. When he told me, we both cried. He was so scared of losing me but didn't pressure me to stay. And all I wanted in that moment was to hug him tight and not let go, which I did. I wanted him close and to just disappear into his arms. When we're together, I feel okay, so so loved. But when I'm alone, the whole thing weighs in on me. I feel a lot worse then. The relationship I thought we had (honesty with no exceptions, complete trust and transparency) wasn't real, and that's what hurts the most, I think. It was a one time thing, but the lie spread through months and months.

So I ask you for advice. How can I not dwell on what was? I know the path is forward, and I know he won't do it again, but I can't help but feel extremely sad to have lost what I thought we had.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Hi Ranitomeya, welcome.

I'm sorry this all happened to you, but what a mess!

I've been with my partner for a year now, I've been practising polyamory for 4 years, and he has for 6, so none of us is new to this.

None of this is polyamory. Polyamory is about joyful consent from all parties involved. That hasn't happened here. He has been unfaithful to you AND his ex.

That they had been together for 5 years, but broke up a while ago, and that it had been hard on her because she has multiple sclerosis, and so she still texts him sometimes.

Using someone else's disease to justify cheating is despicable.

He says that he only slept with her once while we were together and that it was also the last time he saw her.

That's debatable. Very much doubt it.

He'd been trying to break up with her for over two months, but she wouldn't accept it.

Breaking up doesn't have to be mutual. He can just bow out and block her.

He wanted to see her to discuss it in person. But apparently, the weight of the situation, and all the emotions, her breaking down and crying, made him vulnerable, and he gave in to intimacy. It happened 10 months ago and he told me about it a little over a week ago.

Why? They were supposedly broken up. Why stay in this mess?

He said he lied about not being with anyone else besides his wife (I asked him about this the first day we met), because he was scared I wouldn't want him anymore, and that he knew that the relationship was ending anyway, so he felt like the lie wasn't that bad.

Apologies. Little confused here. The wife is the ex? Or is that someone else? Is he getting a divorce, because his wife is not consenting to all this?

I'd told him about how when I lose trust in someone, it's almost impossible to build it back.

You don't have to do this. You can get out of this situation.

I do believe that he hasn't lied about anything else

How do you know for certain? Did he cease all the contacts with the ex? Are you going to therapy together? What is he doing to earn back your trust? Do you even want to stay in this while there is no trust?

I can't help but feel extremely sad to have lost what I thought we had.

It's tough. You have my deepest sympathies. But from where I am sitting, this man isn't capable of doing actual polyamory, and it would be better to bow out. Other members will chime in and might have other advice.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ranitomeya,

I'm sorry your partner lied to you. He obviously doesn't trust you with the truth, you have no way of knowing whether he will get back together with his ex. I would say break up with him, but I can see you love him too much to do that. I mean sure it was one small lie, that grew into something huge with a life of its own, but it's still his lie and he needs to own it. Basically his whole relationship with you is a lie, you thought it was a relationship based on truth and trust, but he knew different and didn't say anything about it. But as I said, you love him too much to break up with him.

Sorry you are feeling like this. Of course you are going to dwell on it, that is only human. You need him to earn your trust, and I don't know how he can do that in light of how serious this betrayal was. He did tell you eventually, I guess that is better than nothing. But all you can do is choose to forgive him, you have to believe he was doing the best he could at the time. It's nice that he was so afraid of losing you, but he should have known that the truth would come out sooner or later, and the longer he waited to tell you, the worse it would get. Let's say it was very bad judgment on his part.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

This is a tricky situation. It sounds like your partner is doing okay being polyamorous with his wife and you. But there is this problematic ex whom he felt compassion for after they broke up. They didn't seem to have proper closure. He finally gave in to her begging him to see her. Against his better intentions, he slept with her. He knew you wouldn't approve, and would probably not forgive him, so he wasn't able to confess to you what he'd done.

But finally you caught him being more involved with her than he should have been, and he had to confess.

So, here you are. Your one-year relationship is tainted by his inability to say no to his ex, to go no contact, block her number and socials, just stop. In fact, he even had sex with her. Once. If he is to be believed.

Now you are full of doubt. Was this a one-time slip-up, or an example of a pattern of how he does relationships?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this happened. I hope venting helped some. To sum up--

• He lied to you about still dating Lady/sharing sex with her when he didn't even have to. Both of you are poly.
• He cheated on the agreements/expectations he helped to set about honest and transparency.
• You were clear about what is and is not acceptable behavior to you. So he hid the lie and spun tales for 10 months just because he wanted to retain dating access to you? It's a DOUBLE betrayal, not one.
• Later he felt the need to "unburden" and offload onto you, so he didn't have to keep feeling yucky. He wants to think he's "Mr Nice Guy." He can't do that when feeling yucky.
• He didn't even own it, or apologize, or take personal responsibility for his choices. He's "Mr Nice Guy," who just "felt bad for her," and fell into her lady parts. Uh huh. Sure. Just blame shifting.
• And it's not THAT big a lie (minimizing, avoiding responsibility)
• And he's "scared to lose you" (meaning, scared to lose ACCESS to you and your goodies. This is not love. This is user-y.)

You feel betrayed, and rightly so. This is a BIG load of hogwash AND a BIG load of emotionally dumping all this junk on to you so HE can feel better and not carry it.

This person values what he gets more than your emotional safety or honesty.

Bottom line? He doesn't make the cut for what you seek in a healthy dating partner. So... drop him. You have good reasons not to trust. And it's okay for you to have your dealbreakers and NOT give him new opportunity to rebuild any new trust here. It's okay to just be done.

In time, hopefully you'll forgive him, which means letting go of your anger. That is more for YOU than for him. He behaved poorly. You don't have to pay for him by YOU carrying anger around FOREVER.

But nope. You do NOT have to exonerate him, or give him more chances like "start from a clean slate." That was the only chance he got with you, and he blew it big time. You can use your anger to create healthy changes for you -- by walking away from all his mess.

It's okay to walk away after a betrayal this huge. It's okay to grieve, be angry, go through the whole process. And it's going to take a while for you to do it.

But he's not entitled to dating access to you. And you don't have to date people you just don't trust any more.

It really sucks, because you did nothing wrong. And you got slimed with all this... STUFF from him and his behavior choices.

I'm sorry this happened this way, though. So UGH.

So now I'm here, a little ball of anxiety, feeling like even though I do everything right and give my all, I just can't seem to get the same amount of honesty back.

But hon, you can do everything right on your end. If on HIS end he does wackadoo, you can't feel safe there. He does wackadoo! He's not a safe person for you.

Some people are not safe to love up close. He's creating situations where he trips all your anxieties. He PERFORMS.

Look at this:

When he told me, we both cried. He was so scared of losing me, but didn't pressure me to stay. And all I wanted in that moment was to hug him tight and not let go, which I did.

He did not take personal responsibility. He PERFORMED "scared" and got new goodies out of you in the form of hugs and comfort. He's learning you and which buttons to push to get vending machine goodies out.

When you are with him, you get snowed and WANT to believe. When you are away, the fog clears and your inner core goes "Hang on a second.... that was a new ding!" And then you get nervous because he's done it repeatedly now, so sneakily.

You could LISTEN to your smoke alarm going off inside you. Get out of the burning building if he runs around with matches lighting things on fire.

You do not hit the smoke alarm with a hammer to get it to stop beeping and then go back to sitting on the couch while watching him set things alight, mesmerized by the light.

The relationship I thought we had (honesty with no exceptions, complete trust and transparency) wasn't real, and that's what hurts the most, I think. It was a one time thing, but the lie spread through months and months.

Yup. You see clear enough.

So I ask you for advice. How can I not dwell on what was?

Go ahead and dwell. Just do it SOMEWHERE ELSE THAT IS SAFE. Far away from him.

Grief is a process. You cannot fast forward through it. But you can get out of there so he doesn't ding you AGAIN while you are grieving and vulnerable. Dude is not emotionally safe for you to be around.

GG