How to deal with feelings of rejection?
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NovemberRain
New member
No one else can actually tell you the right and fair thing (kind of like Dorothy and her red shoes and the way home).
What you absolutely must do is start defining what you (*YOU*) want. You have said he is clear what he wants, you have said you want to save the relationship, what do YOU want? That's the first steps on the road to finding what is right and fair.
I'm so sad you're hurting so much. I'm glad you came back to the forum, I hope you find some answers and comfort here.
NovemberRain
New member
What if it happened (next time) at a different pace (slower), in a different way (with your foreknowledge), and in an open communication kind of way? What then?
Yes, I realize “No one else can actually tell me the right and fair thing.” I said, he is clear what he wants, the latest is that, I am not so sure of that also. After these discussions, I got some perspective, talking to others, but, mostly talking to myself about my own narrative...and, it has helped me regain a lost composure, however, provisional.
I took that chance and dialled his number, and we had a decent conversation after almost a whole month. There were many hot points, and we also expressed anger and dissatisfaction, but, I persisted, and I have a feeling, he also did. I could do that also because I am becoming clearer about what I want, and this forum is also responsible...thank you....
He has decided to cut off from her, but, in practice it has not happened. this makes me feel safer, however empty that safety is. Also, the promise does not mean they have actually done that. They are still in touch over telephone, and she calls him to discuss “problems,” which means, about their relationship right now, I am sure. He will be seeing her after two months, when I wont be in the country. So, I am almost sure they wont be able to control passion, so, it would also be erotic. This future he does not admit, but, keeps saying, he has cut off, but he cant help calling since it would be inhuman to cut off from her totally.
He keeps justifying by saying, have i come between you and your friends? Would it be fair if I ask you to cut off from your ex boy friend (with whom I stopped all erotic relation the day I just started seeing him).
But, I also realize, he is demanding this space for himself to continue with this relation and the ease with which I used to move among my friends might not be possible anymore, since that would be demanded as the price for my jealousy. He is demanding payment for his “generosity” and I have to “pay” it? When I say, how can you compare relations which are not erotic (but, potentially so) to an actual erotic relationship, he says, it is possible, because in his mind the work he does and the civil way in which he takes my friendships is exactly the same!
Also, when i discussed, what if I turn these relations erotic? He got angry at that point, and shouted at me, saying, is this a question of competition? I have an affair, you have two? I felt humiliated, but, kept my anger at bay, since even this much communication was not happening between us, these days.
So,...yes, I must define what I want.
And, he is now claiming he is coming back to me, after two or three months, she will leave and that would be the end of their togetherness. But, the price I pay is very heavy, I suspect, for this coming back. Yet, I am not sure also...since these words might be coming at the heat of the moment, because till now, he has not controlled me. We have been able to actually joke about potential crushes and that was about all I was ready to go or “allow” him to go. But, that space was also precious for me. Will I enter into a totally silent relationship with him keeping his erotic relationship with the younger woman? I dread such a possibility.
Yes, I am hurting, but, this forum has definitely reduced my suffering to some extent. There has been surprising understanding from so many of you. I thought that as a person who is coming out more and more as a “mono” person (which I still don’t define myself as, but, my jealousy is increasingly making me aware, I might be), I would be mocked. (that is the way my husband speaks to me these days, though, when I suggest that I also start exploring, he starts saying, he has realized these are too difficult thigns to accomplish and he wants to come back, as a mono person).
I know I project him as an asshole, which he is not! I am pretty sure he has a better narrative about himself..and, beneath all these things, I think, I still see that our relationship actually might have some potential, which i do not want to throw away...
I took that chance and dialled his number, and we had a decent conversation after almost a whole month. There were many hot points, and we also expressed anger and dissatisfaction, but, I persisted, and I have a feeling, he also did. I could do that also because I am becoming clearer about what I want, and this forum is also responsible...thank you....
He has decided to cut off from her, but, in practice it has not happened. this makes me feel safer, however empty that safety is. Also, the promise does not mean they have actually done that. They are still in touch over telephone, and she calls him to discuss “problems,” which means, about their relationship right now, I am sure. He will be seeing her after two months, when I wont be in the country. So, I am almost sure they wont be able to control passion, so, it would also be erotic. This future he does not admit, but, keeps saying, he has cut off, but he cant help calling since it would be inhuman to cut off from her totally.
He keeps justifying by saying, have i come between you and your friends? Would it be fair if I ask you to cut off from your ex boy friend (with whom I stopped all erotic relation the day I just started seeing him).
But, I also realize, he is demanding this space for himself to continue with this relation and the ease with which I used to move among my friends might not be possible anymore, since that would be demanded as the price for my jealousy. He is demanding payment for his “generosity” and I have to “pay” it? When I say, how can you compare relations which are not erotic (but, potentially so) to an actual erotic relationship, he says, it is possible, because in his mind the work he does and the civil way in which he takes my friendships is exactly the same!
Also, when i discussed, what if I turn these relations erotic? He got angry at that point, and shouted at me, saying, is this a question of competition? I have an affair, you have two? I felt humiliated, but, kept my anger at bay, since even this much communication was not happening between us, these days.
So,...yes, I must define what I want.
And, he is now claiming he is coming back to me, after two or three months, she will leave and that would be the end of their togetherness. But, the price I pay is very heavy, I suspect, for this coming back. Yet, I am not sure also...since these words might be coming at the heat of the moment, because till now, he has not controlled me. We have been able to actually joke about potential crushes and that was about all I was ready to go or “allow” him to go. But, that space was also precious for me. Will I enter into a totally silent relationship with him keeping his erotic relationship with the younger woman? I dread such a possibility.
Yes, I am hurting, but, this forum has definitely reduced my suffering to some extent. There has been surprising understanding from so many of you. I thought that as a person who is coming out more and more as a “mono” person (which I still don’t define myself as, but, my jealousy is increasingly making me aware, I might be), I would be mocked. (that is the way my husband speaks to me these days, though, when I suggest that I also start exploring, he starts saying, he has realized these are too difficult thigns to accomplish and he wants to come back, as a mono person).
I know I project him as an asshole, which he is not! I am pretty sure he has a better narrative about himself..and, beneath all these things, I think, I still see that our relationship actually might have some potential, which i do not want to throw away...
"What if it happened (next time) at a different pace (slower), in a different way (with your foreknowledge), and in an open communication kind of way? What then?"
I am not in a position to think right now...but, I do not say a clear "no" though my husband has lost trust in me. I will just say, "perhaps," hesitantly and withdraw and maybe say "no" because I am so hurt by the present, and I do not have confidence within myself to say even that perhaps, since I have paid for it dearly.
I am not in a position to think right now...but, I do not say a clear "no" though my husband has lost trust in me. I will just say, "perhaps," hesitantly and withdraw and maybe say "no" because I am so hurt by the present, and I do not have confidence within myself to say even that perhaps, since I have paid for it dearly.
dingedheart
Well-known member
why did you think that if you lived together you'd have a loss of intimacy? Where did that idea come from?
Did this job and LDR decision happen directly after getting married?...and is/was that the long term plan and structure....or was it a temp thing that just snowballed into something longer?
You said he blamed you for leaving ...thats got a resentful tone to it. Did he ever mention this LDR and the lack of physical contact was wearing thin on him?
How long to you date each other before getting married?
Did this job and LDR decision happen directly after getting married?...and is/was that the long term plan and structure....or was it a temp thing that just snowballed into something longer?
You said he blamed you for leaving ...thats got a resentful tone to it. Did he ever mention this LDR and the lack of physical contact was wearing thin on him?
How long to you date each other before getting married?
Dear Dingedheart, I have never really thought out from where this idea of living together started getting problematic for me. From the beginning, as a sixteen year old girl, I had ideas of living with women, though I am straight (at least, all my romances have been with men). I have lived most of my life in a college hostel with other women, where there is a private room, but, lots of company of women. Till the age of 28, I had thought, I would share my life with a very close woman friend, but, never thought of her as a sexual partner, and even now, cannot. Later, we both realized that as straight women, it was difficult for us to actually work that out because we both got into involvements with men and our teenage fantasies just got brushed aside.
My one relationship of living under the same roof happened in my five year involvement with a man. We lived together for two years and that was very bad, because we started getting on each other's nerves. then, i got a job elsewhere fortunately, and that was the time, I enjoyed most in that relationship. my idea of love is communication, and it didnt matter to me that we were physically away. Also, while I enjoy sex, I am not the kind who wanted it on an everyday basis.
My present partner is also (at least with me) not very demanding of sex on a daily basis. He is a romantic person. But, his ideal was definitely not an LDR. Whereas, mine had become that, without me realizing it. So, I actively pursued the job that came up, and dramatically, it came up, one week after we both decided to be with each other. He was upset, got drunk and shouted at me for deciding to go away. I told him, he was free to walk out now. I had totally destroyed my career in the former relationship because the person concerned had made me resing a good job and my career had never taken off. But, it is true that I have not made enough effort to communicate all this complexity to my present partner. You are right in focussing on the LDR thing because it does seem to have worked in different ways for both of us.
We have dated for one and a half years before getting married.
My one relationship of living under the same roof happened in my five year involvement with a man. We lived together for two years and that was very bad, because we started getting on each other's nerves. then, i got a job elsewhere fortunately, and that was the time, I enjoyed most in that relationship. my idea of love is communication, and it didnt matter to me that we were physically away. Also, while I enjoy sex, I am not the kind who wanted it on an everyday basis.
My present partner is also (at least with me) not very demanding of sex on a daily basis. He is a romantic person. But, his ideal was definitely not an LDR. Whereas, mine had become that, without me realizing it. So, I actively pursued the job that came up, and dramatically, it came up, one week after we both decided to be with each other. He was upset, got drunk and shouted at me for deciding to go away. I told him, he was free to walk out now. I had totally destroyed my career in the former relationship because the person concerned had made me resing a good job and my career had never taken off. But, it is true that I have not made enough effort to communicate all this complexity to my present partner. You are right in focussing on the LDR thing because it does seem to have worked in different ways for both of us.
We have dated for one and a half years before getting married.
dingedheart
Well-known member
So during the dating process and the lead up to marriage was the long term living arrangement discussed? Was it missed ...or did it change after you got the job offer after the wedding.
I'm having a hard time understanding "love is communication" and the holes in communication surrounding careers, living arrangements, etc. It sounds like you put you career and your thoughts and choices above your marriage ...I'm going ...sorry that you don't like it and feel free to walk out now....but I'm going ...deal....see you in 3 months.
What I meant by the phrase "lack of physical contact" was all encompassing. A way way wider view than just sex or daily sex. A hug and kiss hello and good bye, meals together, doing things together ..doing nothing together ...cuddled up sleeping together....and yes some romantic sexual connection.
Was an end date to the LDR/JOB ever discussed?
I'm having a hard time understanding "love is communication" and the holes in communication surrounding careers, living arrangements, etc. It sounds like you put you career and your thoughts and choices above your marriage ...I'm going ...sorry that you don't like it and feel free to walk out now....but I'm going ...deal....see you in 3 months.
What I meant by the phrase "lack of physical contact" was all encompassing. A way way wider view than just sex or daily sex. A hug and kiss hello and good bye, meals together, doing things together ..doing nothing together ...cuddled up sleeping together....and yes some romantic sexual connection.
Was an end date to the LDR/JOB ever discussed?
Dear Dingedheart, I think I did make a mistake about taking up a job so far away. And, yes, intimacies also include all that you mentioned...and, it is not about sex alone. But, as a woman, I was the type who would feel threatened if I was asked to make "sacrifices" in relationships. And, here was a man who was a little upset, but, who was actually not "asking" me to do that. I thought I found the perfect match when he "allowed" me to go. But, increasingly, he understood that I was not taking any effort to come back. And, he must have got upset or got adjusted to the idea that I will not be there with him, living together with him etc. and started to adjust to the situation by forming a romantic relationship. One of the first things he demanded during this crisis is that i return and be with him. I understand that I was insensitive to his feelings there.
dingedheart
Well-known member
You maybe the perfect candidate for a secondary poly relationship.... you have your job/career, happy living alone ...you pop in every few month for some face time and a conjugal visit ....it could work out nicely ....however not as someones primary relationship. Or with someone who need live in arrangement. He on the other sounds like he wants and need a more traditional live in partnership that may involve sacrifice and compromise from both parties regardless of gender. A partnership among equals.
So what do you really want? If you like the current job and LDR you might have to learn the coping skills at being something of a secondary or tertiary partner. Adjust your expectations with the circumstances you've built.
I think if the next 3 month break is coming up that the 2 of you need to talk to a counselor to get some honest answers on what each of you see's as a ideal future and the compromises involved for each of you to be happy.
So what do you really want? If you like the current job and LDR you might have to learn the coping skills at being something of a secondary or tertiary partner. Adjust your expectations with the circumstances you've built.
I think if the next 3 month break is coming up that the 2 of you need to talk to a counselor to get some honest answers on what each of you see's as a ideal future and the compromises involved for each of you to be happy.
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"You maybe the perfect candidate for a secondary poly relationship...." I had never thought about that possibility till you articulated it. I am just trying to sink in the information, first of all.
I dont know if that is what I want. But, your responses have made me realize his needs, again, Thank you. And, we will now talk a bit more sanely, me also understanding his needs instead of just blaming.
We do not have access to counsellors right now, but, the forum is counselling me. I will try to make him read these threads together or perhaps separately and invite him also to join and post. Hopefully, he will listen because it might be crucial for him to get advices and a safe space to express.
"You maybe the perfect candidate for a secondary poly relationship...." I had never thought about that possibility till you articulated it. I am just trying to sink in the information, first of all.
I dont know if that is what I want. But, your responses have made me realize his needs, again, Thank you. And, we will now talk a bit more sanely, me also understanding his needs instead of just blaming.
We do not have access to counsellors right now, but, the forum is counselling me. I will try to make him read these threads together or perhaps separately and invite him also to join and post. Hopefully, he will listen because it might be crucial for him to get advices and a safe space to express.
dingedheart
Well-known member
I'd start by asking him nicely to read this thread ......then start listening to each other. Maybe figure out each others love languages...book by something Chapman ...Gary I think. Go back and figure out why you got married in the first place and then build from there.
to read this thread ......then start listening to each other. Maybe figure out each others love languages...book by something Chapman ...Gary I think. Go back and figure out why you got married in the first place and then build from there.The latest is that my husband is having uncontrollable panic attacks. He has decided to cut off from his affair, but not able to in practice. He is pulled from both sides, from me and from her. I dont know how to deal with these situations. I increasingly feel I will have to now become a nurse maid, but, will not be getting "love" from him anymore, or at least not the kind I was used to. I still cannot deal with the fact that he is involved though I am trying hard to tell myself, acceptance is the only way forward.
dingedheart
Well-known member
Does he have a history of anxiety or panic attacks ? How can you help him from a distance ....text him to breath into a paper bag when he's hyperventilating ? Or do you mean later when you go home.
I don't know what nursemaid exactly means in this situation but you might want to remember you helped to create this mess and with that you might have to get your hands dirty cleaning it up.
I don't know what nursemaid exactly means in this situation but you might want to remember you helped to create this mess and with that you might have to get your hands dirty cleaning it up.
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I understand, I am also responsible for this situation. I am in a kind of job where it is impossible for me to just leave, since the financial implications if I leave before two months is something I cannot bear. I am in touch over the phone regularly with him and keep reassuaring him that I am there for him. I will also leave this job after the notice period for resignation gets over, which is two months and start my life with him, soon. This does not mean our journey is going to be easy.
Deerinthewoods
New member
Desire, I think I know a bit where you re at. I did the same thing- suggested opening up the relationship-without first negotiating the boundaries and making sure that our primary relationship was solid. So when she gravitated to her new guy, I felt left out. Things moved much quicker than I wanted and I, too, lost exclusivity. I sometimes get the feeling of having "fucked up" and told her so yesterday- but at the same time, I feel like we are both living more honestly. Neither one of us want a divorce and we seem to be committed on working through this and coming out stronger on the other side. I know that its cliche but communication is central.
Re (from desire):
Yes, I think that would be a good idea. In order for us to better understand how to help you both, I think we kind of need to hear "his side of the story." For instance, how important is it to him that you and him live together? Is it a boundary for him, a dealbreaker, just something he vented about in a heated moment ...?
Re (from dingedheart):
It's "The Five Love Languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate" ... by Gary Chapman. It's a good book. Be aware, it's not necessarily a poly-friendly book (though it can without much imagination be applied to poly relationships). But, a good book nonetheless. And you guys do need to understand each other's love languages (among other things).
Be careful not to let things become a tit-for-tat game or competition. You both need to re-learn how to care about each other as people, rather than be on the defensive towards each other all the time. If you remain closed (like a fist) towards each other, you will have to think about boundaries, dealbreakers, and the possibility of breaking up. The only way to save your relationship is to open up and become vulnerable towards each other.
Although we are just a forum, not a professional counselor, we can be like a support group of sorts and will do all we can to help on a non-professional level. Please encourage your partner to join us here and take part in the conversation. I think it would help a lot.
With much care and concern,
Kevin T.
Yes, I think that would be a good idea. In order for us to better understand how to help you both, I think we kind of need to hear "his side of the story." For instance, how important is it to him that you and him live together? Is it a boundary for him, a dealbreaker, just something he vented about in a heated moment ...?
Re (from dingedheart):
"I'd start by asking him nicely
It's "The Five Love Languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate" ... by Gary Chapman. It's a good book. Be aware, it's not necessarily a poly-friendly book (though it can without much imagination be applied to poly relationships). But, a good book nonetheless. And you guys do need to understand each other's love languages (among other things).
Be careful not to let things become a tit-for-tat game or competition. You both need to re-learn how to care about each other as people, rather than be on the defensive towards each other all the time. If you remain closed (like a fist) towards each other, you will have to think about boundaries, dealbreakers, and the possibility of breaking up. The only way to save your relationship is to open up and become vulnerable towards each other.
Although we are just a forum, not a professional counselor, we can be like a support group of sorts and will do all we can to help on a non-professional level. Please encourage your partner to join us here and take part in the conversation. I think it would help a lot.
With much care and concern,
Kevin T.
thanks a lot, everyone...I keep these things in mind...though, it is difficult for me to live with the "death of love" which is how I am experiencing these things, though, it need not be, since he is taking the effort to keep my relationship also. Hopefully, things will work out...will keep you all posted...
breaking off
I have no idea where my life is going, again. We are physically living together, but, I am not able to control feelings of loss and spend my nights in tears. I used to do that when I was alone, but, now, when someone else is sleeping next to you, snoring is the right word, actually, the tears come out in a terrible contrast. I also became snoopy since I had no access to his feelings, and we descended into what I feared worst - me as a snoopy nag, who also cries uncontrollably, he as an escapist husband who doe not care about my feelings. I have got some little space this week because I have left him, alone and taken one week off. The other woman, in the meanwhile has left the place, and they both had an emotional farewell, the details of which I do not know, but, from what my husband says, he is very emotionally disturbed. I basically feel unloved, inspite of his decision to be with me. I experience this relationship as a "practical arrangement" with nothing of his imagination/romance wasted on me. Today, I decided to break off since I am not able to bear the humiliation of my tears and his emotional rejection. I also know that it takes more than this, more ugliness than this for couples to break off, actually! I know we will face each other again and again, in anger. I just hope to god I have the courage to end it now. Regards and thanks everyone,
I have no idea where my life is going, again. We are physically living together, but, I am not able to control feelings of loss and spend my nights in tears. I used to do that when I was alone, but, now, when someone else is sleeping next to you, snoring is the right word, actually, the tears come out in a terrible contrast. I also became snoopy since I had no access to his feelings, and we descended into what I feared worst - me as a snoopy nag, who also cries uncontrollably, he as an escapist husband who doe not care about my feelings. I have got some little space this week because I have left him, alone and taken one week off. The other woman, in the meanwhile has left the place, and they both had an emotional farewell, the details of which I do not know, but, from what my husband says, he is very emotionally disturbed. I basically feel unloved, inspite of his decision to be with me. I experience this relationship as a "practical arrangement" with nothing of his imagination/romance wasted on me. Today, I decided to break off since I am not able to bear the humiliation of my tears and his emotional rejection. I also know that it takes more than this, more ugliness than this for couples to break off, actually! I know we will face each other again and again, in anger. I just hope to god I have the courage to end it now. Regards and thanks everyone,