how to deal with fluctuating affection from an anxious attachment style

[ArnsonVomDach]

So I (31M) have been seeing someone for about a year. It started out as a non-monogamous friends-with-benefits thing. When she started seeing someone else as well, my affection for her made a huge jump. This is the first time for both of us to be in a non-monogamous thing like this, so it’s all pretty new to us. But we have a good way of communicating and looking after each other. So it was working pretty well so far and we got pretty close in the process.

There have been times where she has been more involved with others and less, and we both noticed my level of affection fluctuates a lot with how intense her other relationships are/how they are working atm. I consider myself to have an anxious attachment style and I think this explains why when I feel ‚threatened’ I get more involved. I think I might, to a certain degree, have mistaken my activated attachment system for stronger feelings for her. (I have rather little experience with feelings of affection.)

I do genuinely like her and the sex is really great, but I also think we’re pretty different in many aspects. I also sometimes very strongly long to meet someone who I resonate with more, but that very rarely happens to me.

I also kinda regret showing a lot of verbal affection in the last month, because when things got complicated with a metamour for her recently (metamour’s partner got jealous and they had to cancel their date) my affection, and therefore my verbal affection dropped as well. This feels like a pretty shitty and unfair thing to do from my side. I still supported her in the situation, but she also could tell something was a bit off with me. We talked about this dynamic a bit before, but had a longer talk two days ago and she's been kinda down since, and not sure how we should go on at the moment.

So I wanted to ask if anyone has had similar experiences and how y’all dealt with it.

 

[Magdlyn]

So I (31M) have been seeing someone for about a year. It started out as a non-monogamous friends-with-benefits thing. When she started seeing someone else as well, my affection for her made a huge jump. This is the first time for both of us to be in a non-monogamous thing like this, so it’s all pretty new to us. But we have a good way of communicating and looking after each other. So it was working pretty well so far and we got pretty close in the process. There have been times where she has been more involved with others and less, and we both noticed my level of affection fluctuates a lot with how intense her other relationships are/how they are working atm.

It sounds like your feelings of jealousy result in sexual excitement. This could be like a form of voyeurism, which is not uncommon, or just compersion (poly term in our glossary), or even an enjoyment on a cuckoldry fetish level.

I consider myself to have an anxious attachment style and I think this explains why when I feel ‚threatened’ I get more involved. I think I might, to a certain degree, have mistaken my activated attachment system for stronger feelings for her. (I have rather little experience with feelings of affection.)

How did you diagnose yourself with anxious attachment? I know it's trendy these days to talk about these kinds of things. I don't know if it often results in feelings of excitement when imagining your partner having sex with someone else.

I do genuinely like her and the sex is really great, but I also think we’re pretty different in many aspects.

Okay. It's up to you (and her) to decide if the differences add interest, or if the gaps are too big.

I also sometimes very strongly long to meet someone who I resonate with more, but that very rarely happens to me.

It's okay to want that.

I also kinda regret showing a lot of verbal affection in the last month, because when things got complicated with a metamour for her recently (metamour’s partner got jealous and they had to cancel their date) my affection, and therefore my verbal affection dropped, as well.

You mean your gf's other partner's partner (your gf's metamour) made your metamour (your gf's partner) cancel a date? And as soon as your gf's date was cancelled, you felt so much less affection for gf that you couldn't bring yourself to tell her you love her? Does your affection and love and lust for her entirely depend on her having sex with others? Do you feel you don't love her just for her, but instead only want her if you know she's got another man's cock in her (or is about to have sex with him, or has just had sex with him)? That sounds like an intense form of cuckoldry fetish/lust.

I don't understand how that links in to "anxious attachment." Can you explain this better?

This feels like a pretty shitty and unfair thing to do from my side. I still supported her in the situation, but she also could tell something was a bit off with me. We talked about this dynamic a bit before, but had a longer talk two days ago and she's been kinda down since, and not sure how we should go on at the moment.

So I wanted to ask if anyone has had similar experiences and how y’all dealt with it.

This doesn't sound like polyamory to me, but more like a sex fetish. (I am not kink shaming. It is what it is.) That's just from your one post though. I could be wrong.

 

[ArnsonVomDach]

Hey Magdlyn, thank you very much for your reply.

I do have a cuckolding fetish! Until before I met her and tried non-monogamy I wasn't sure if it was only a fantasy thing, but we explored it a little when she first started having sex with someone else. (stuff like her jerking me off while telling me about her night with him) But it also depends on who she's with, the guy she's currently seeing is pretty shy and doesn't fit into the kink for me so we don't do kinky things in that direction atm. We do explore and I do enjoy other forms of sex with her though, I'm not only turned on be the idea of her sleeping with someone else.

I do did "diagnose" myself with this attachment style after having read the book "Attached" by Amir Levine. At that time I had just been seeing someone who was extremely avoidant and it were pretty rough times for me and attachment theory explained what happened pretty neatly and I recognized myself a lot. For me it's a working theory, she is not that convinced of it and rather thinks it might be related to trauma, which again itself can have influence on your attachment style, according to attachment theory. I would love to see a therapist who knows about attachment theory to get their evalutation, but they seem quite rare were I live.

This doesn't sound like polyamory to me, but more like a sex fetish. (I am not kink shaming. It is what it is.) That's just from your one post though. I could be wrong.

Yes I don't know, I'm not using the word polyamory myself but prefer non-monogamous because at this point I am not sure if I love her or if I confused this feeling of feeling threatened (which according to attachment theory would active my attachment system to try to increase intimacy)

 

[Magdlyn]

Okay, if you don't feel love for your gf now, and rarely do feel romantic love, then this forum isn't quite right for you. We are here to support people who are in, or want to be in, or are curious about having multiple romantic (usually sexual) relationships. Polyamory means "many loves," not "many sex partners, or kink partners."

I'm sorry that you can't seem to find a therapist. I'm not sure where you live, but there are organizations of certified professional therapists who operate online, either in chat or in videochat. I wonder if that would be an option for you in your area? We have "Better Help" here in the US, and I've heard good things about it.

Otherwise, if you want a community to help you understand your attachment style and cuckoldry, I recommend Fetlife.com. There are thousands of cucks and their queens there. There are lots of discussions available in chat groups. (For all I know, this site is banned in your country, so your mileage may vary.)

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ArnsonVomDach,

It sounds like you will have to make a conscious effort to be more affectionate (especially verbally affectionate) when you feel less "threatened" by her other partner/s (your metamour/s). Do keep her updated on your anxious attachment style and the efforts you are making to be consistent with her, but do also make efforts, so that she doesn't have to worry that she will have to deal with fluctuating affection for the rest of her life.

Yes, there will be times when it doesn't feel "natural" to be more affectionate, and maybe you will worry that she will notice the affection is "forced," and that therefore she will not let it "count." Do not give up on your efforts, even if that's the case. Sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it." Show her affection even if you are feeling less affectionate than usual. Eventually your efforts will pay off. The "forced" affection will start to feel more natural.

Such are my initial thoughts,
Kevin T.