How to deal with jealous (and to know Vs. not to know)?

M

madchen

New member
Hi everyone!
Im pretty knew to this, and Im not even sure if what I have is a "poly" thing, but I think you ppl might help me think more clearly and would really like your advice on how to deal with this...
Here's some background: about 5 years ago, during a vacation time, I met this guy, who lives in another country, and we have kept contact since then. We have seen each other a few more times since then, and even living distant, always kept talking and developed a really nice friendly relationship... But, by the end of last year, I don't even remember how the subject started to come up, but we discovered that not only the attraction, but also the fondness that we felt was mutual, and began to kinda talk about the possibilities of we beeing together if lived near, and stuff like that... At first we just saw it as something utopic, since moving to a different country is not a possibility to any of us at this moment. But as time was passing, we realized that we were already feeling and acting different and, finally, realized that we both were having the same problem of not being able to take the other one out of our minds... Lol But with the long distance situation, things would be pretty difficult, so we figured that trying an "open relationship" would probably be the best option for us.

And now... The problem is: Since I have had him as a friend for many years, and he told me stories about his personal life, I know a lot about how he has always dated many, many, many girls (he is incredibly handsome and charming, so he could have any girl he would want, really, and I think that kinda turned him into a bit of a "womanizer".. Lol). And, well, now that we are in this different type of relationship, I am having some difficulties on dealing with jealousy. Since this thing started on the beggining of this year, I have already known about 5 different girls he has been with (3 of them are "FWB" that he sees with a certain frequency). And although I have mentioned that I feel jealous, and he has also said that he feels jealous too when he knows Im going out with another guy, we have only said that in a light way... And I don't know if he is just good in hiding his feeling or if he is simply more comfortable dealing with this situation than me. I try not to show it, but the truth is that the "jealous monster" is really biting me inside, you know...? And then, I am starting to wonder about a few things:

1) I wonder if I would find it better if there was only 1 other girl instead of plenty of them ('cause I only see 1 other guy here)... But then, being plenty of them, this indicates that he probably isn't specially attached (emotionally) to any of them particularly, right? So, I don't know, I'm pretty confuse about that! :(

2) I wonder if it would be better if we tried to adopt the "don't ask, don't tell" policy... Because right now, sometimes he spontaneously tells me about seeing another girl, and sometimes he doesn't, but if I ask, he tells it. Same thing with me (sometimes I tell spontaneously, and sometimes only answer when asked). But the thing is: for one side, I think it perhaps would be easier not knowing exactly when and with whom it happened, but, on the other side, I wonder if I wouldn't be speculating all the time and ended up going crazy about it...

So, that's it... I really like him a lot and I do tend to believe when he tells me that he does too, and that I'm different, and the only one he feels like calling a girlfriend, and the only one he would ever consider getting married to someday (yes, he said it... lol!), but I am so confused...! I didn't want to feel this way about it, but it feels super weird to know that he desires other girls and gets to phsically be with them more often than with me, you know..? So, if anyone could give me any advice on how to try to deal with it, I would be very, very grateful!
 
Hi Madchen

I'm pretty new here and don't have the experience of many of the others but when I've read posts from those who seem to have the most functional dynamics, there is often the notion of not trying to stop the jealousy, but to take enough time to be with the emotion and understand it, it's sources (possibly before this particular relationship), it's consequences (thoughts, actions), and other emotions that go alongside. Generally, the harder we resist something, the more it persists. So rather than attempt to get the other person to do or not do something that may or may not relieve the jealousy, look to yourself to understand what you are experiencing and what you might learn from it. Don't restrict your notions of what you may learn. There are no right answers and no wrong ones.

As for your various permutations on number of partners or dadt, perhaps rather than intellectually try to choose something and then try and stick to your decision like glue, give them all a shot until something works for you. I personally wouldn't ask (and definitely not insist) that anyone I was seeing reduces to just one other person, let him make that type of choice for himself and find his own equilibrium. You focus on finding yours. In the end, no-one can really effectively control someone else's actions, thoughts or feelings and many of the topics around here are variations on the theme of the fallout when 'rules' get broken.

You'll also see a lot that "everyone does poly differently," indicating that there really are few hard and fast rules (I think everyone could probably agree on sexual health being a rule). So think about ways to start without rules (besides that one) that are designed to manage feelings, but rather learn what those feelings do for you.

My last 2 cents is, trust him to keep your place in his life yours. That place may morph into something other than what you imagine right now, but it will always be your place. (not as in "get in your place woman" but rather, "here is this special place in my life and my heart that is yours and yours alone"). Know that in polyamory, he will have other places in his life and his heart that other people will fill, and they are most likely to also morph, because that's what all relationships do over the years. And that those places do not threaten your place.

kia kaha
Evie
 
I think it all comes down to a matter of preferences. And, a matter of how important making the relationship work is. The more important the relationship is, the more important it is to deal with the jealousy head on, imo. For me, that means deconstructing the jealousy/insecurity (getting to the core issue of why I feel the way that I feel, then addressing the issue(s) accordingly.) Here are a couple commonly linked articles that I found helpful:

Unmasking the green eyed monster

Insecurity & jealousy in poly relationships (more than two)

Another really important aspect for me, is treating each other lovingly and respectfully, and honoring my own boundaries. If I'm feeling loved, respected, and honored in my relationship in general, then when jealousy pops up, it's easier for me to handle it, and it's less likely to cause problems in the relationships. Likewise, if I'm honoring my own boundaries, resentments will be less likely to crop up and our relationship will be healthier. There will always be issues that come up because we are human; however, if we're treating each other lovingly and respectfully, those times will not feel as critical as they would otherwise.

And, finally, communication. Open, honest communication fosters openness and feelings of security for me. Since insecurity is a major contributor to me feeling jealous, this also decreases any jealousy I do feel. It's also why DADT doesn't work for me. For others, DADT may work well. It really depends on the people involved so only you can answer which style is best for you.
 
You were fine with his dating others when you saw each other as "just friends." What makes having a different designation for your relationship now more susceptible to jealousy? He is the same person he was, and I suspect that your loving and affectionate feelings toward him have been there for a while, probably before you two decided to put a name to the kind of relationship you have. So, what changed?

I suspect the problem is just that now you two have compartmentalized your relationship and given it a title, and that title is rather weighty and comes complete with all the baggage that society attaches to romantic/love relationships. I think that you need to reframe what this kind of relationship, and certain words like "love" and "commitment," mean to you. Is it that you believe a sort of ownership of each other or vow of fidelity is necessary if you two are "more than friends?" If so, why? Perhaps consider that loving someone can mean that you want them to be free and available to all the love that comes their way, because they deserve a bounty of love in their life - just as you do.

The best road to self-awareness and self-satisfaction is the one where you question the things you've previously believed in and/or taken at face value.
 
You adress it as "jealousy" but there is also the matter of which type of relationship style you prefer. I certainly would not be comfortable dating someone who was casually sleeping around while at the same time dating me, I would much prefer that he had other, serious relationships. But perhaps both seem threating to you somehow? Do you know what you need in order to feel secure and special in a relationship, or specificly the relationship with him? Is there anything you can ask him to do differently, or start chaning your own way of doing things?

I am also in a long distance relationship. I find it useful to set the visiting dates in advance and also to use my time in between visits to cultivate the relationship in other ways.
 
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