How to deal with the fear of what could happen?

S

salanderbeth

New member
Hi there,

I've never had polyamorous relationships, but now I feel like I am in a completely new situation. My current relationship is a long-term relationship and we have built a house and a life together. We agreed that we were not monogamous, but for almost five years we never had a real situation. It was only the two of us building our entire lives together. But right now, my wife has a new relationship and she is all about this new girl she met. They are living all the goods of new relationship energy. She is so into this that I said to her that she could live it entirely for a while and that she doesn't need to be here with me (except if she misses me). I've committed to keeping the house clean and taking care of all of our pets while she is enjoying this new moment.

I'm very happy for her because she is living a really good thing. I can see how happy she is and feel compersion for her.

But turns out that I'm here in our house, completely afraid and terrified about how this is going to be, about where our relationship is going. I'm not even sure if our relationship is going to last (at least the way it is right now). I know that I'm very dependent on her. We had a very very very close routine and I'm struggling so hard to go through my days while she is not here. Sometimes I just start crying out of nowhere because I think of the possibility that we won't be together in the future.

So my question is: is there any advice on getting through this? How do you deal with the new relationship energy when your partner just wants to be with another person all the time? Is it possible to get through this in a healthy and constructive way?

Thank you, all.
 
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Seems to me that the best way to combat "fear of what could happen" is to think more about "fear of what could NOT happen" or "HOPE of what could happen".

Also: a thought that I use to process EVERY situation I find myself in - I ask myself "Is there anything that I can do to make the situation better?" If the answer is "Yes", then I do that thing. If the answer is "No" then I don't worry about it because it's beyond my control anyway.
 
I am not sure why you told your partner to go ahead and spend all the time she wants with her new dating person. Most poly people need to learn to manage their NRE, and not just get carried away with the new person. Your needs and your established relationship are important and still need to be nurtured with quality time, sex/cuddles, words of appreciation, dates, etc. Your partner should still be involved in home maintenance and pet care, because it's her home too. If you had children, would she stop being a mom and neglect them too?

It's possible, and in fact healthy, to have compersion and still want to maintain and grow in your more established r'ship. You're letting your gf live in a fool's paradise. If she has a new partner, and say, you got a new partner too, and you both neglected each other, and neglected the housework and other responsibilities, you'd soon be headed for a split.
 
To piggyback on what Magdlyn said, a person has to be able to control themselves, especially in NRE. Harm comes from neglecting other relationships, jobs, etc. when you lose yourself completely in another person. Navigating those feelings, while still living life and giving attention to all of the things that are important to you, is essential.

It's okay to want to spend every hour of the day with someone, but it's not healthy to actually do it. You should be just as important as this other person, and your needs should be met during this time, as well. I would not handle being put on the sidelines, at all… This sounds like monogamous programming is still in charge of her life. She needs to understand that polyamory means you give time to all partners. And you need to learn not to give away the quality time your relationship needs. You can't have as much as you had before, but none at all?

I fear that since boundaries weren't established by your partner about when they will see this new person, that the new person and your partner will have a hard time transitioning back to giving you time. People can feel entitled to what they already have.

I think if you ask for and get the time you need, you’ll feel less afraid about the state of your relationship. She needs to show you that you are important and loved and just as much a priority as her new shiny person. This lack of attention is enough to make anyone feel insecure.
 
Hello crozarak,

Don't be afraid to ask your current partner to spend some time with you. NRE is powerful and erases the original partner in place of the new. You are not out of line to remind your partner that you are still here, and that you need some TLC too.

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
crozarak said:
So my question is: is there any advice on getting through this?
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Yes. You tell your partner they need to keep having a relationship with you.
crozarak said:
How do you deal with the new relationship energy when your partner just wants to be with another person all the time?
Click to expand...
You tell your partner they need to keep having a relationship with you.
crozarak said:
Is it possible to get through this in a healthy and constructive way?
Click to expand...
Yes. By your partner making sure they continue to have a relationship with you.

I'm sorry your partner is treating you so poorly.
 
Is the new person far away? Is that why your wife can't be both with the new person and physically in your house with you?

Is there a set date for when she is returning?

She has to balance her time with both her partners if she wants to be successfully poly and keep her relationship with you.
 
Fist of all, thank you so much for all your answers! It's very important to hear that! I'm glad that I found this forum.

To correct my first phrase: I wanted to say that I've never had a monogamous relationship, but I typed it wrong on the first topic.

Just to answer the MeeraReed's question: the other person is not far away. We live pretty close, actually.

The reason I said that she could go and live that without worries about our house and everything is because it's a kind of trigger to me to think that someone is spending time with me just for conventions or obligations. So when I saw in her eyes how crazy she was about this new person, my first instinct was to push her away. But I recognize that is the same monogamous logic and I said that to her.

It turned out that we had a very long discussion about all of it and she understood that we needed to keep nurturing our relationship. She just asked me to make it fluid and not try to keep a rigid schedule, because that way it'll lose spontaneity. I agreed with her and said to her that she needed to keep all her relationships, including friends and family. I also said that we need to make space to have quality time together and to reconnect.

I've also reached out to my friends for support and they're helping me fill the time I'm spending without her and are encouraging me to do things I enjoy on my own, which I think will be positive for me and my relationship. I believe that this is something I should have done a long time ago, to avoid falling into this logic of emotional dependence.

The last few days have been very difficult, but I believe things will stabilize. Yesterday we had a good time together and I felt much safer and more comfortable in this whole situation. I realize that I continue to feel loved and desired, despite all the recent changes.

I believe that only time will tell what will happen with our relationship, and as RichardInTN said, I cannot want to control things that I have no control over.
 
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It sounds like you are gradually working things out. That is good to hear. You will still hit some bumps in the road, but ultimately you will know that your partner still cares about you, in spite of the NRE. Carry on.
 
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