how to deal with wife getting hurt

[drgnfly]

Hopefully someone has been been in this position before and has some advice.
My long term fwb, who we have pulled in closer in the past year, she is one of my wife's bff's. I'll call her K. K has has hurt my wife emotionally a few times (me too on occasion) over the years we have known her. I have to wonder how others would handle this.
This is not usually intentional, It ranges from making plan's and cancelling it, being over and suddenly leaving, to relying on her to do something important, and having her no show with out notice. We came to realize K tends to hurt the one's she love's.
K knows she does cause hurt and is working on becoming better. We don't want to have to abandon her as a last place option as we are most of her support structure. However last time K has proved unreliable me and the wife went on a let's see how she is until the end of summer.
It's summer's end now and me and the wife are in agreement on what we want. We have mostly positive thought's, but we know plans for the worst. K has come a good way in the past few month's. However to my wife the friendship with her has become a wait for when the eventual let down will come. Lately I have seen that K seems to be slipping in other aspects of her life lately. I feel that we can help her, and we want to, but in the back of my mind it's like i feel like were next.
Sorry if i made this post long or confusing.

 

[KC43]

It isn't long or confusing.

You have a FWB who is close friends with your wife. The FWB has emotionally hurt you and your wife more than once.

For me... right there, that would be enough. Once, okay, try to let it go and give a second chance. But more than once? Nope. Done, at least for a while.

I understand your wish to help your FWB, but it sounds to me like she's showing some behavior that's not beneficial for you or your wife. Your FWB wants to change, but that's something she has to do for herself, and you can't necessarily help her. Especially when you're as emotionally involved with her as you are. You're risking more pain for you and/or your wife, and that isn't helpful for anyone.

My best advice would be to step back. Tell your FWB that you care about her, but her behavior is too hurtful to keep around for now. Let her know that you want to support her, but you need to take care of yourselves. Keep in contact with her if you want. Just not at the level you are now. Give yourself and your wife some breathing room to work past the things your FWB has already done that have hurt you, and give your FWB the space and time she needs to make the changes--or decide not to.

 

[AutumnLeaves]

Your post wasn't long or confusing!

It's summer's end now and me and the wife are in agreement on what we want. We have mostly positive thought's, but we know plans for the worst.

It sounds like you and your wife have discussed and decided general things. I like how you're preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. Just also be prepared to follow through on your "for the worst" plan and for things to fall apart. You can be prepared without being pessimistic.

Lately I have seen that K seems to be slipping in other aspects of her life lately. I feel that we can help her, and we want to, but in the back of my mind it's like i feel like were next.

I'm not sure from your post whether the FWB/BFF is asking for your help, or you think you can just help her. I wouldn't offer help if she's not asking for it. That will just entangle you more in her problems. I'm not sure if I would offer her more help even if she's asking for it. She is already causing drama in your life. The more you get entangled with her other drama, the more headache you're going to have. If you decide to do it anyway, that's fine, but you should recognize that and be prepared to pull back when it starts affecting your health.

It sucks when someone you care for is struggling, and it's good to be supportive, but I've found it's really best to maintain a line between problems that are her problems (how the rest of her life is getting on), and problems that are your problems (how her problems affects your relationships). You can do things about how her problems affect your relationship, and it sounds like you already have. But you can't solve her problems for her.

 

[Dagferi]

Actions speak louder than words... K has shown you who she is either accept it or don't.

I live by the rule of never making someone a priority who treats you as an option.

 

[IndieSolo]

Here's how I see it. K isn't hurting you and your wife.

You know who is hurting you? You - by holding all these expectations over K's head, and feeling disappointed when she doesn't fulfill them. You keep wanting her to be someone she's not when, time and time again, she has shown you who she is and how she operates in life. There is nothing wrong with her being who she is. You just keep expecting and hoping she will show up behaving like the person you want her to be, hoping she'll keep promises, not disappear, be where she says she will be, etc. But you know she won't - yet you expect and wish for it anyway, and hurt yourselves with disappointment, indulging in feeling victimized and righteous about it. When you look at the situation from my perspective, can you see how audacious and arrogant it is to say you want to help her? Help her what? Meet your expectations?

Give it up. Start seeing her for who she is. Either move on or accept that she's not going to ever live up to the standards you have for this fictional person you keep hoping she'll turn into. You're short-changing her and yourselves by not living in the present and seeing what is. Life becomes much less stressful and infinitely more enjoyable when we let go of expectations and give people space to be who they are.

 

[Inyourendo]

w

You have a close friend /occasional fwb who is flaky, been there done that. I don't think there's a lot you can really do other than accept that she is a flake and that you really can't count on her to be there when you need her. Stop expecting more out of her and accept her for who she is and you'll be happy. IF you want more from my partner then find someone who can meet your particular needs instead of be upset someone doesn't meet your expectation.


I'm not trying to be hard on you, I completely understand the heartbreak of loving someone you can't count on.

 

[GalaGirl]

I have to wonder how others would handle this.

I would accept that K is an unreliable person.

• Not rely on her for anything important any more.
• Not make plans with her and expect her to follow through. Be more like "Bonus if she comes, but I'm not bent out of shape if she does not."

You sound like you have made her aware and asked if she would be willing to change and she's been trying to do so. I know people need time to change bad habits, but if X time has passed and no significant change? Accept there will be no change. Then decide how close you want to be to that or not.

Me? I rather walk away and keep my own life simpler. I know me. I can accept someone is not reliable. That this is their personality. But I don't want to be close to unreliable people. I value stability and follow through. I don't like "up in the air" stuff. I have other relationships to maintain that bring me more joy, so the ones on the edges of my life because they are kinda flaky .... I just don't tend to much.

K knows she does cause hurt and is working on becoming better.

How? Can this be measured? Is she reading a book? taking a class? Seeing a counselor?

We don't want to have to abandon her as a last place option as we are most of her support structure.

I would not be keen on this. Propping up a flaky person might be great for them, but I don't see how it is awesome for me. That can get draining.
I'd be leery of getting drained and bogged down in other people's weird. I have to be my OWN support structure FIRST.

Dating partner should be that -- a dating partner. They should not be a load I have to carry that bogs me down. I am also not their therapist. I am not into one-way relationship where I pour in lots and get back little.

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

The problem is not her behavior, but how deeply drawn you and your wife are to someone whose ways do not fit with your own. You're tremendously invested in helping her and molding her, which is a recipe for guaranteed disappointment. There are plenty of great women who do not require adjustments, so why are you dead set on inserting this woman into your lives? That's the question you should be asking yourselves, not when the next bout of hurt will come. Managing her life is her work. Your work is to enjoy the people with whom you spend time. That's it. The minute you try to manage someone else's life, you're going to get blow back and rightly so. Look for people who fit gracefully into your life, don't try to mold people to be what you think they should be. Even if they are a BFF.

You're really not doing her a favor if you're propping her up, if you're all she has, if you're her last safety net. You don't do anyone any good with pity love and pity support. You'll actually find a lot of great information in AlAnon - no alcohol problems required. That organization helps people who are prone to over-helping and you'll find that there's almost always a deeper reason for it. The key for you is to look into why you're so drawn to this untenable situation. You can't change her, but you sure can change your experience with her.

 

[Inyourendo]

My best friend is a flake, I do NOT make plans with her in advance and I told her I won't during to her cancelling so many times. Last minute get together I tell her to come an hour early because she is a NEVER on time. If she isn't there when something starts I refuse to wait for her.

 

[drgnfly]

Thank you all for your comment's.
KC43, I have always played baseball growing op so i believe more of a three strikes and your out rule, however, my family is not a game, so i don't strictly follow that with everything. With certain thing's there is a no tolerance policy, sometimes once is too much.
I have had taken that break in the past, and for reference that talk is how we know she is trying to work on herself.
AutumnLeaves, Thank you, my posting this may be a way for me to overcome my pessimism, I have told my wife that anything bad that may come is part of a relationship, and that we should stay positive. Being friend's with K so long, i have seen a repeating pattern with her, the spiral some people would call it. These have not been my problems, so I have kept to my own business in the past. Unfortunately our lives have become intertwined that her problem's can fire back on me if she falters. She has formally asked us for a huge amount oh help in the past month, so we are not in-posing.
Dagferi, Yes I have had to next girl's when I was single for much less.
nycindie, I'm not sure how you can comment that after reading a few paragraph's someone posted in a relationship forum. Also realize it's hard to convey the whole picture on someone's life in such a small space, especially when it's a forum i have only been a member on for maybe a week. I do see you have been a member here for a much longer time so i would like to say I am not here looking to play the victim. I want opinion's that come from outside my usual sphere of friend's. In that, you did give me thing's to ponder on, i just feel stating that were forcing her into a mold misplaced.
I will put forward that it is possible to become friend's with someone and have thing's seem great with them on the outside for a long time. People are great on putting on faces, it's not until you get by their shells that you find who they really are. Regardless there are expectation's people expect of other people, and not only when your close to them. You expect the guy in the fast food place to get you food, you expect people driving to stop on a red light, ect... I'm trying to not to get into specific's with K on a public forum, not yet, but I do feel that what we expect from her is not excessive.
Inyourendo, GalaGirl, you come closest to my own feeling's on the matter. Yes her trying to change is both stated and measured. K was on a good path, Best case is she stays on that path.
FallenAngelina, you sound just like one of my friend's counselor. And your name is Karen? It's true, there are time's that we do tend to over help others. In general we have had more of a success than failure as far as that goes. I am cautious that were not being abused in that role, and yes acting as a safety net is not a proper place to be. I have found that many of my most rewarding friendships come as they are, without specifically looking for them, and most people do come with quirk's. I am passively looking for partner's at best, so it's not a if she don't fit our ideal situation, on to a better choice.
You are spot on that alcoholism is the large part of her problems, she uses drinking s a crutch for other issues she knows she should be medicated for. I have been in a place i was self medicating with alcohol, and alcoholism run's in my family, so it's not like i don't understand. Talking on this with her i don't think there is ability to totally cut off drinking, I do try to have her reduce volume. Rehab didn't work, and most people she has sought help from seem to give the impression of a attitude that there are people doing much worse than drinking, so why should she get help, when others really need it. I do require time she is sober, and if she does drink, take a serious responsibility of it.

 

[FallenAngelina]

You are spot on that alcoholism is the large part of her problems, she uses drinking s a crutch for other issues she knows she should be medicated for. I have been in a place i was self medicating with alcohol, and alcoholism run's in my family, so it's not like i don't understand. Talking on this with her i don't think there is ability to totally cut off drinking, I do try to have her reduce volume.

AlAnon is for YOU, to make YOUR life better. What she does with her life and her drinking is her responsibility. AlAnon is a wonderful resource for everyone who is struggling with a loved one who is not managing her life very well. I strongly urge you to focus on your own peace of mind, whether it's through AlAnon or some other addiction-specific counseling.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello drgnfly,
Is there any news on your situation?

So, you took a break from K that lasted the whole summer, is that correct? and now you feel relatively rested, so you are thinking about getting involved with K again, but you are concerned that you will get hurt/disappointed again because she is so flaky and unreliable.

Perhaps you could get involved with her for just a short time, and if she lets you down again, take a longer break from her, perhaps the rest of fall and winter?

Can you accept K for who and how she is? If not, you should probably distance yourself from her, a little more each time she disappoints you, until you're not involved with her at all. Sad, but necessary.

If you can figure out how to incorporate K into your life without letting her disappoint you (don't make plans ahead of time with her, tell her to show up an hour early, don't wait for her), then maybe you can continue to have involvement with her.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.

 

[drgnfly]

FallenAngelina, thank you for your encouragement, i am working on my own inner peace.

kdt26417, were one step further in that timetable, she very integrated in our family at this point. Our fear is the letdown. We do accept her for who she is, what she does, and have love for her.
There may be another solution on it's way, we recently met someone who she is interested in. If her dating pattern hold's true, we will cool off on our end. It can give me time for myself, and a little distance though she will remain close to us, plus it's always nice to see some nre.

 

[kdt26417]

Well, I hope things work out well between her and this new person.