How to do I explain without sounding like I'm cheating.

[Damian]

Hello everyone who m here to ask a few questions. You see I've been putting up ads on different places like Craig's list or like a meet -up and I keep getting replies about one stands or just bedroom buddies or some nonsense like that. So Id like some criticism! Help me understand what I'm doing wrong or even better just tell me if I'm just nuts! Here is the Craig's list post:

mw4w body : big status : married

age: 29

Hello,
My wife and I are looking for a female, a third in a stable relationship and have fun with. If you like to go fishing, hiking, walks in the woods, or just hang out at home play games and listen to music We do too and we'd love to take you! We like to find new places in and out of town, we like to go to Palmer, Wasilla, Kenai, Fairbanks, Seward, all over the state!
We like to try new things, so if you're into something, we're flexible.
We are not looking for NSA or simple flings, fuck buddies need not reply. We want something serious and meaningful.
I myself I like to read and write stories, I like to hang out and watch a movie on the couch usually with someone . I like to go on trails, both in town and out. I'm picking up photography as a hobby and I'd love for someone to experience these things with us!
We want a girl who is open minded and not afraid to share it. We are an independent couple both with stable full time jobs. We are both bigger people but are still very active. If you're interested we eagerly await your reply. Come play and enjoy life with us.
Please if you seriously want to get to know us, tell us your favorite color in the subject line so we know you're not a robot.

 

[tenK]

Off the top of my head:

1) You're looking for a woman. Not a female.

2) The kind of relationship you're after (someone that both you and your wife will fall in love with, and who will fall in love with both you and your wife) is ridiculously hard to find. Most women are straight, so possibly not interested in your wife. Most women are monogamous, so not looking to form a relationship with multiple people. Most women would like the opportunity to have the social and legal rights afforded to a spouse - neither you nor your wife can offer that.

3) Of the bisexual, polyamorous women out there who are not interested in getting married to either of you:
- some of those women will already be married to someone else - is that okay with you? You don't say.
- some of those women will have children already - is that okay with you? You don't say.
- some of those women will not be interested in dating a couple at all - there are a lot of reasons why 'being a third' to a couple sucks (have you read http://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html and http://polyfor.us/to-unicorn-hunters-from-an-ex-unicorn/ yet? Do you understand the limitations of what you have to offer, and how ridiculous it is to expect that 'everyone will all just love each other the same'? That making loving one person be contingent on someone loving their spouse as well is kind of a shitty thing to suggest? And that couple privilege is a real and pervasive problem if you actually do want the full life entanglement experience with someone?)

4) If you and your wife are both looking to find someone to connect to, why are we only hearing your voice? Why is your wife not writing about her interests and hobbies? Or is being your photo buddy the only thing that matters?

5) Have you guys got any experience in polyamory/open relationships? Is your wife even bisexual? You don't say.

Basically, most unicorn hunters are looking to date the same woman because one or both of them is deeply insecure and prone to jealousy. This kind of couple are a nightmare to date. Even if you don't think that applies to you, I can guarantee that anyone experienced in polyamory (and that really should be your target market here) is going to be of that opinion about you unless you can show otherwise. One of the best ways you can do this is to actually show that you are open to dating independently. Explain what your motivation for dating as a couple is. Tell the reader why those shitty things people think about unicorn-hunters doesn't apply to you. Of course, you can only do that if it's true. And it almost goes without saying that you owe it to your marriage to figure out BEFORE getting involved with someone else whether you guys actually are coming at this from a place of security or not. If there are problems in your marriage now, there will be a million more once you add another person into the mix. So if this is about fixing a sexual desire disparity, providing someone with more emotional energy, or just the only way one of you would agree to open your relationship because they're not really into the idea for themselves and are terrified of being left by the wayside, then DON'T DO IT.

I have been involved in a few lovely triads, but they tend to work best if they are spontaneous. Why don't you and your wife date separately for a while? Learn how to relate to each other that way first, and learn how to manage any negative emotions that might create. If it turns out that your wife ends up dating a really cool lady (or you do), and you and she develop feelings for each other (or she and your wife do), then excellent - you have the start of a triad. If it turns out that there's no chemistry, well then that's also excellent - your wife gets to date someone she's really into and you are free to find someone you connect with better. At the very least, dating individually means you are both fishing from much larger ponds, and the experience you gain by learning how to juggle multiple relationships will stand you in good stead in the future should you actually find yourself in a triad situation one day.

 

[Emm]

You don't sound like you're cheating, you do sound like you're unicorn hunting. Why don't the two of you try dating separately?

Edit: Or what tenK said.

 

[Damian]

Thanks

Thanks! These are some ideas and thoughts I have to consider. I'll post more later as I'm at work, but I am listening for anymore advice.

 

[breathemusic]

Aside from what has already been said, you should also just keep in mind that when dealing with any personal ad, you're always going to get lots of responses from people who haven't really bothered to pay attention to make sure what they're offering matches with what you're looking for. So getting responses from people who want flings and such when you don't is just going to typical on CL.

 

[sdguitarguy]

Craigslist

First, I agree with everything said before.

Second, IMHO Craigslist is about the worst place to be looking for anything dating-wise. Not saying it's impossible, just that there are better venues for something "serious and meaningful."

 

[WanderingINTJ]

In my experience with Craigslist (and I've only posted in the strictly platonic section), people don't pay attention, or there are people on there that seem to assume that just because you post a personal ad on craiglist, you're a sexual freak and really want sex. Its crazy how I've gotten responses (especially from couples) and the conversation turns into "so what are you really looking for?" I'm like what? You didn't read my ad?

 

[vinsanity0]

Craigslist is full of flakes. Cat and I advertised on there once. We were looking for something casual. We posted our ad in mw4w. Guys answered it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Damian,

I'm thinking there just isn't a lot out there that fits the description in your ad. Not many that the ad would actually call to, regardless of how you word it. Plus I don't think men have as much luck as women, and even though your wife is along for the ride there's still a man in the equation.

I don't know what to suggest, but OKCupid is another option.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Moonglow]

I did an experiment just last week on CL as a woman searching for man very with specific words because I was attending an event and wanted to see if there was anyone going to attend. I got ALOT of responses as a woman but not one person who responded was at that event. Luckily for me almost everyone was semi respectful except one. I politely answered some of the more respectful answers. Out of 50 answers I only corresponded with one.person who knew what I was talking about. 50! Then within a day or so my ad was flagged and deleted. Many of the men just so you know did not believe I was a real person and only out to scam them. IMHO CL is a scary place.

As for the poly aspect what everyone else has said applies. It is honestly too bad because of the way poly is perceived in my experience you might as well have said you were a swinger because most don't care you actually want a relationship.

Good Luck. I hope you find what you are looking for.

M

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi Damian, welcome to the board. Understanding polyamory is hard. Doing it is harder. You might be jumping the gun. To aid you, I will critique your ad, and offer some advice from my decades of experience in polyamory.

Hello everyone who m here to ask a few questions.

Do you mean, "Hello everyone! I am here to ask a few questions"? I am asking because, if you want to land a (reasonably intelligent) woman online, you need to be able to write a grammatical ad, and then be able to write messages back and forth that make sense. Otherwise, you just sound slapdash and not serious.

You see I've been putting up ads on different places like Craig's list or like a meet -up and I keep getting replies about one [night] stands or just bedroom buddies or some nonsense like that. So Id like some criticism! Help me understand what I'm doing wrong or even better just tell me if I'm just nuts! Here is the Craig's list post:

mw4w body : big status : married

age: 29

Is that your age? Or are you both 29? If you can't put it in the header, mention it in the body of the ad.

Hello,
My wife and I are looking for a female

A female? A female what? If you mean human, say woman.

a third in a stable relationship

Being "a third" doesn't sound very attractive. It sounds like she'd be the unstable one, teetering on top of the two of you, who have known each other a long time.

and have fun with.

Ungrammatical.

If you like to go fishing, hiking, walks in the woods

hiking is a synonym for walking in the woods

or just hang out at home play games and listen to music We do too and we'd love to take you!

or just hanging out at home playing games and listening to music, great, so do we. And we'd like to do it with you!

If you and/or your wife enjoy hiking and fishing, why not join a Meetup group for those activities? Then you or your wife might end up finding a nice lady (single and open to poly, or already in a poly relationship, or relationships) on one of those group dates, that you or your wife hit it off with, and one of you might find the opportunity to ask her to go out on a real date.

We like to find new places in and out of town,

Use a period (.) here. New sentence:

we like to go to Palmer, Wasilla, Kenai, Fairbanks, Seward, all over the state!
We like to try new things, so if you're into something, we're flexible.

Of course all women are "into something." It sounds so condescending to imply she may not be "into something," but if on the off chance she happens to have hobbies or interests, you'd deign to "flex" to her interests. And consider, she might be into something your wife likes, and you don't, or vice versa. You're not a Borg. You, singular, are probably not going to "flex" to go get mani pedis or shop for bras. (If you're metrosexual, you might, just making a point here.)

We are not looking for NSA or simple flings,

Period. New sentence:

fuck buddies need not reply.

You might leave that line out. It's a bit gross.

We want something serious and meaningful.

All of us polyamorists want something meaningful and not merely sex-based. (Amory= love.) Yet, most people who respond to ads just want cheap meaningless sex. Or worse, they are so anti-social, they just want to talk dirty for wank material. OTOH, it's nice to indicate you're looking for a real relationship, but most relationships start out kind of light and easy until chemistry and compatibility is established. You gotta kiss a lot of frogettes to find a princess!

By the way, all the "we, we, we" seems very couple-centric, and probably intimidating.

I myself I like to read and write stories,

I like to read and write stories. My wife likes to (...?)

I like to hang out and watch a movie on the couch[,] usually with someone .

The wink makes it read like you're saying "Netflix and chill," ie: fuck.

I like to go on trails, both in town and out.

You already mentioned hiking and walking.

I'm picking up photography as a hobby and I'd love for someone to experience these things with us!

You like those things. Does you wife like those things? If not, don't say "we" yet again. Say what your wife's personal interests are.

We want a girl

"We" again!

And you want a woman, not a female, not a girl. Immature women who are needy and un-self-confident, lacking self-awareness, and often financially challenged, and who may have unresolved issues from their childhood, tend to be attracted to the *perceived* security of dating a couple. You don't want one of those, do you? At 29, do you want to adopt an 18 year old?

who is open minded and not afraid to share it. We are an independent couple[,] both with stable full time jobs. We are both bigger people but are still very active. If you're interested we eagerly await your reply. Come play and enjoy life with us.
Please[,] if you seriously want to get to know us, tell us your favorite color in the subject line so we know you're not a robot.

All the couple-centric "we" stuff has been addressed by others. Women are not lining up to seriously date an established couple, no matter how stable, active, fun and "open minded" they are.

So, read up on the pitfalls of unicorn hunting. Check your grammar. Then don't bother with Craigslist. Determine to date separately. Join your local polyamory group. Join a Meetup group for one of your hobbies, and/or join OK Cupid (it's free). I have been there many years, and I find one good man for about every 30-50 who message me. As a bi woman, I have found one good woman (we've been together 7 years, and we date men separately, despite all the begging for threesomes we get). If your wife is bi-curious and only wants to try dating a woman, she can filter who sees her on OKC. If either of you are afraid to try dating others, if your wife is afraid to fuck a woman without you in the mix, then you're not ready for polyamory.

 

[northhome]

I will critique your ad

Please, please, can I have you as MY copy editor? <hug>.

Seriously, that was excellent.

 

[Magdlyn]

Please, please, can I have you as MY copy editor? <hug>.

Seriously, that was excellent.

Thanks! I so often hold back on my "grammar Nazi" tendencies, but I felt he was begging for it.

 

[Ravenscroft]

It's not at all unreasonable to outline a dream.

It's maybe unreasonable to expect results.

It's totally unreasonable if there's a deadline, or expectation of "a perfect fit."

Damian, Craigslist is a muddy stream, & you're fishing for trout. You're going to hit bullhead & sucker, & maybe a LOT, before you find one that might be worth taking home.

Not that OKC or AFF or FL or... well, pretty much ANY "convenient" tool... is gonna be better.

Last year, I got a really cool old guitar at a garage sale for a fraction of its value. Only a superstitious twit would believe that this indicates they should troll every garage sale in hopes of matching my success -- much less that they should camp in front of that house awaiting the appearance of more guitars.

I mean, mazel tov to everyone who's found their Life Partner through some online gimmick, but the fact is that MOST DO NOT.

Writing such ads is a GREAT tool. Write it all down, rip it up, write again from scratch. Keep writing. It clarifies in your mind(s) what it is that you want, what you absolutely at a minimum NEED, what YOU are willing to give, & what's superfluous to some degree.

As for polyamory in general: DATE FIRST, MARRY LATER. If you walk the walk, anyone who's at all interested (interestable?) in nonmonogamy will be more reassured.
Like, Scenario One: your SO meets up with a woman who's maybe-kinda willing to learn more, & brings her home, where YOU spend the next hour staring at her like a starving buzzard in front of a prime roast.
Or Scenario Two: your SO meets up with a woman who's maybe-kinda willing to learn more, & brings her home, where YOU greet her warmly & then soon excuse yourself to finish getting ready for a date.

Which of those says "hey, we're not desperate, & we know what we're doing"?