I've been happily focusing on my relationship with Joe for 2.5 years, and things are great. Since it's important to my question, I'll include that we have a power exchange relationship with him as the Dominant partner. I tend to be submissive with male partners, and dominant or switchy with female partners (or totally egalitarian). Recently, the topic of a female partner for some combination of me/him/us has come up. (He does have another female partner, however the relationship between her and myself is pretty much not at all, and would never become romantic or sexual.) Both of us are in to the idea of a female partner joining the situation in some way, and we are open to how the arrangement works out- we definitely don't want somebody to feel like they need to be a "unicorn", and while like many people we would love to find somebody that we both click with in a sexy and romantic way, we would also be happy for it to be just friendship with one while dating the other. Right now my only boundary on that is I just don't want to deal with another situation like I have with my current metamour, which is mostly just strained and awful, and I think that's a pretty fair boundary to have.
Our issue has been how to find said partner. We are both attractive, friendly, fun people. One major issue is Joe's schedule: he often puts in 12-14 hour days during the week, and on weekends is mostly busy parenting his son, as well as balancing his current two relationships. His time for meeting new people is limited, and we think it's fair to let any potential new partner know that at least for now, the situation that works best for his availability is sex/BDSM play partner, as opposed to boyfriend or Dom. Is it presumptuous to say that upfront or is it right to say so people can make informed decisions? There is always the potential for growth if things did start developing naturally, but it's not what he's looking for at this time. (We have actually figured this out with one person- my best friend- as an occasional play partner, but since she basically knows all the details of my life all the time, the negotiations were pretty easy!)
My issue for myself is that I am very visible in our local BDSM scene. I organize a group for submissive women, and am involved in other organizations. Due to these factors, it has sort of put me in a "community leader" position, and especially those who are newer to things often look up to me. Perhaps I'm worrying a bit much, but I just don't want to be that creepy person who uses that "influence" I have to seem like I'm taking advantage of people. I would love some thoughts on how to navigate this in an ethical way.
The third issue is that I would like to more publicly search for a partner to join us, such as posting about things referring to that on Fetlife (since I know not everyone here is kinky- it's a kink related social networking site that Joe, Sue, and myself are all active on.). Joe has said that is fine, but I've been holding back because I don't want to be hurtful to Sue. She knows we are looking for this and has said she has no problem with it, but it's a different thing to have that put in your face and I recognize that. We are not friends by any means and it's not my job to manage her emotions, but I'm not looking to be actively hurtful. Any advice on how to go about this without needlessly hurting Sue while still being public enough to make people realize we are looking? Joe and I tend to have the reputation of being so cutely lovey dovey that many people have commented that they wouldn't even think to try to express interest unless we were more publicly looking.
Our issue has been how to find said partner. We are both attractive, friendly, fun people. One major issue is Joe's schedule: he often puts in 12-14 hour days during the week, and on weekends is mostly busy parenting his son, as well as balancing his current two relationships. His time for meeting new people is limited, and we think it's fair to let any potential new partner know that at least for now, the situation that works best for his availability is sex/BDSM play partner, as opposed to boyfriend or Dom. Is it presumptuous to say that upfront or is it right to say so people can make informed decisions? There is always the potential for growth if things did start developing naturally, but it's not what he's looking for at this time. (We have actually figured this out with one person- my best friend- as an occasional play partner, but since she basically knows all the details of my life all the time, the negotiations were pretty easy!)
My issue for myself is that I am very visible in our local BDSM scene. I organize a group for submissive women, and am involved in other organizations. Due to these factors, it has sort of put me in a "community leader" position, and especially those who are newer to things often look up to me. Perhaps I'm worrying a bit much, but I just don't want to be that creepy person who uses that "influence" I have to seem like I'm taking advantage of people. I would love some thoughts on how to navigate this in an ethical way.
The third issue is that I would like to more publicly search for a partner to join us, such as posting about things referring to that on Fetlife (since I know not everyone here is kinky- it's a kink related social networking site that Joe, Sue, and myself are all active on.). Joe has said that is fine, but I've been holding back because I don't want to be hurtful to Sue. She knows we are looking for this and has said she has no problem with it, but it's a different thing to have that put in your face and I recognize that. We are not friends by any means and it's not my job to manage her emotions, but I'm not looking to be actively hurtful. Any advice on how to go about this without needlessly hurting Sue while still being public enough to make people realize we are looking? Joe and I tend to have the reputation of being so cutely lovey dovey that many people have commented that they wouldn't even think to try to express interest unless we were more publicly looking.
