how to explain to partner

alibabe_muse

alibabe_muse

Member
I can't seem to articulate the sentences I need to say to hub regarding me writings on fetlife, my journey into submission and my description of sex with my new boyfriend. I realize what he read can be hard to swallow but sex with hub is more sensual and I don't want to change it, it is satisfying and fulfilling. Sex with new boyfriend is way different, partly because boyfriend's goal within the kink is for me to experience multiple orgasms.

I've ignored this desire in me for years. I never desired it with hub. I realize his upset is the wounded ego, but in no way shape or form have I thrown anything in hub's face. I knew he'd read my writing one day. I have gone through my own struggles with his relationship and what not, so I do empathize. Yet saying extreme things like "why would you want sex with me after that" and other, what I realize are passive aggressive statements (I'm guilty of those myself) makes me really feel like its a double standard. Its ok for him to have a girlfriend and do whatever they do sexually but its not okay I have a kinky sadistic boyfriend.

My question is: how do I explain I may not have multiple orgasms with hub, but that in no way means he doesn't satisfy me.

Or is it even worth trying to discuss? Today is our reconnect day and he's just been cold towards me. And than after a spat about money & the problems he's experiencing with getting this new bootloader to work for his cell phone, he started making these lame (made me feel like I did something wrong, enjoying my experience) comments.
 
Maybe its because I actually made a connection with someone. Its taken me a year. Hub found his upset 7 months ago.
 
And I do realize he's going to struggle. I won't see boyfriend again until Aug 15th.
 
Yeah, I second PiP's question... Is your husband upset because of the emotional connection you have with boyfriend, or because you're multi-O'ing with boyfriend and not with husband? Or some combination?

I had a similar conversation with Hubby last night, as I'm trying to work through the sex issues I've been writing about in my blog on here. He was offended because I said Guy might be more helpful to me because of being more sex-positive and willing to explore things. I explained that although I know Hubby is sex-positive, he's very conservative sexually (i.e. vanilla with a few bits of nutmeg here and there); whereas Guy describes himself as "try-sexual; I'll try anything once and if I like it, I'll do it again."

I assured Hubby that doesn't mean Guy is better sexually than he is. It doesn't mean Hubby is more boring sexually than Guy is. It just means that there are aspects of my sexuality and sexual interests that I can better explore and learn about with Guy than with Hubby. I also told Hubby, as I have several times before, that sometimes I WANT the relaxing, tender, vanilla sex that is Hubby's wheelhouse. Sometimes I NEED that.

It's unfortunate that your husband is hurt by your explorations and kink with your boyfriend, and that he's passive-aggressing about it. How he chooses to react is his responsibility, not yours. All you can do is continue assuring him that he and your boyfriend are two DIFFERENT people, and that each of them brings you an equal amount of sexual satisfaction and enjoyment, just in different ways.

Good luck!
 
We are conditioned to believe in monogamy and that's hard to deal with I think. He probably feels like he should be able to meet every need when honestly I don't believe that's ever one persons job. The relationship I have with my bf is not labelled submissive but much more so than what I have with my husband. I cannot imagine havig my hub dominate me in sex but I still enjoy sex with him.

It may just take time for him to realize you enjoy him differently.
 
Spiritowl said:
We are conditioned to believe in monogamy and that's hard to deal with I think. He probably feels like he should be able to meet every need when honestly I don't believe that's ever one persons job. The relationship I have with my bf is not labelled submissive but much more so than what I have with my husband. I cannot imagine havig my hub dominate me in sex but I still enjoy sex with him.

It may just take time for him to realize you enjoy him differently.
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Exactly. I know all the above.

Just how he was being and what he was saying made me want to cry. I felt yesterday like I had no rights to be happy, that he'd rather have me not content and envious of his relationship with wild orchid.

I don't really think its the emotions he's bothered by but he seems to feel belittled that my journey is posted on a public forum and he has face pics posted. Seriously ibthink he needs to get over the fear of "what will these strangers think" and if it bothers him so much then he has three options 1-remove his face pic from fet 2-not to link himself to me on fet 3-delete his entire profile & there is a 4th - ask me to remove my relationship link with him.

He seemed better last night once he got the bootloader stuff fixed. Plus I'm not going to stop writing, boy have I missed it and I'm pretty good at telling my tale (feel free to pm me & I'll tell you my fet username).
 
Part of the problem is that you are sharing very intimate information about your husband and he does not want that. It doesn't matter that it's on FetLife or that you two are virtually strangers to most of the community. You already feels inferior sexually because of what you are writing and now you are sharing that with the rest of the world. You are humiliating him and he has too much knowledge of your private intimacy with your boyfriend.
 
graviton said:
Part of the problem is that you are sharing very intimate information about your husband and he does not want that. It doesn't matter that it's on FetLife or that you two are virtually strangers to most of the community. You already feels inferior sexually because of what you are writing and now you are sharing that with the rest of the world. You are humiliating him and he has too much knowledge of your private intimacy with your boyfriend.
Click to expand...

Interesting you perceive I'm humiliating him. I don't agree and your comment doesn't answer my request for advice. I'm not upset at all.
 
Alibabe, you aren't intending your postings on Fet or here to humiliate your husband, but is it possible that *he* perceives it that way, either consciously or subconsciously? I don't mean does he think you are humiliating him, but does he *feel* humiliated? Emotions aren't always rational; even if your husband knows for a fact that you wouldn't intentionally hurt him and that isn't your intention in posting, that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't feeling hurt. Reading back, you do say he feels belittled, which may be where Graviton got the "humiliated."
 
I would not be too happy with someone sharing intimate details of our sex life even anonymously on a social media site. I am a very private person when it comes to what goes on in the bedroom.

Murf blew a basket once when I just teasingly said something on Facebook about me being unable to reach him to join me and my boss for dinner. He does not like any "dirty laundry" from our personal life shared on social media. He has ended a relationship over it.
 
Thanks for all the comments and opinions, gives me some points of view to chew on. Appears his frustration with Windows 8 and the bootloader software was coming at me sideways.
 
I'm not sure whether you would like an extra opinion or not, but I'll add it anyway and if you want it, it's here.

I would say...

- Talk about your Fetlife boundaries now and get hubby to make a decision on whether he wants to remain linked to you on FL. You are right - he makes the choice about what he wants to see. I personally suspended my account because my metamour wasn't very sensitive about things he posted. I didn't feel I had the right to restrict his freedom of speech, so I exercised my right to withdraw from seeing it. I must admit, I'd have been upset finding something like what you wrote too. I would have wanted a warning or discussion so that I didn't stumble across it. In fact, my GF usually does warn me if she posts anything that I might take the wrong way. I think you should have done this, knowing he'd eventually stumble upon it.

- Regarding privacy - I don't know what was said in your FL posts, but for sure, if my GF told everyone that she was experiencing something with me and wasnt experiencing that with her husband, I'd feel very bad for her husband. That has the potential to be very humiliating even if you didnt intend it to be. He must feel very exposed and vulnerable.

- You could consider telling hubby what you do love about the sex with him. Specific things that he does. You could ask if this is something he'd like to hear.

- Regarding your belief that hubby should get over his worry about "what strangers think", GF actually said this to me once when she shared very private sexual details about me with someone. It wasn't until another partner of hers did the same thing to her that she understood how it felt. If you ask yourself honestly, would you be upset if your hubby posted that he was getting the best blowjobs of his life from another partner? How would you wamt him to react if you were upset?

Just food for thought.
 
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