How to help Dh realize he can be mono?

NeonKaos

Custodian
You know that NK wasn't totally serious, right?

This.

What exactly do you think was harsh? I just re-read this thread and didn't see anything harsh in it. Where was someone not being "nice?" Just some direct answers to your questions here. Isn't that what you wanted - answers?

That's what I was saying in the first place.
 
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NeonKaos

Custodian
Hey, since the door has been thrown wide open, I'll give you "harsh". When I first saw the title of this thread, and subsequently read the OP, my first impression was:

"help?" "realize?" "can-be?" WTF? It sounds like the OP is trying to CONVINCE her husband to "be mono", not that he needs "help" "realizing" that he "can be" mono. SHE needs "help" "realizing" that relationships "can be" a two-way street.

Etc.

Was that harsh enough for you because I'm just getting started.
 
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redpepper

New member
The other thing I would suggest is to wait before posting if you find you are reacting. This being the big "you." Sometimes it helps to get someone else to read replies. I get Mono to sometimes as he is able to see things without my emotions getting in the way.
 

sagency

New member
Actually, I think the harshest post was NK saying that we have not yet begun to get harsh and to grow a pair if you didn't like it.

Emotions are tricky critters though. And sometimes a stray word or two is all it takes. (K was crying uncontrolably yesterday, so I have crazy emotion thoughts on the brain--she was hormonal and wanted to call her mentor to cheer up, but said mentor pass away early this month... So off the deep end with the tears.)

I try to always post without injecting too much of my own bias into things (or balancing it) while trying to remain positive. Sometimes that helps, and sometimes people need a sharp and harsh beating. Luckily, these forums can provide both. :D
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
Actually, I think the harshest post was NK saying that we have not yet begun to get harsh and to grow a pair if you didn't like it.

My comment said nothing about "growing a pair". It was more along the lines of "if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen". "growing a pair" implies that you need to change and stay around. I could go either way in any given situation. It's just that no one was harsh to the OP at the time she declared that people were being harsh, so if she can't stand that, she will vanish in a puff of smoke when things really DO get "harsh".

The reason I'm getting into this is because it is relevant to the situation. If someone is intimidated by strangers on an anonymous forum giving free advice, how do they expect to navigate their day-to-day relationships? If the OP wants a girlfriend, is she going to decide the girlfriend is being "harsh" when girlfriend wants a boyfriend? What if Girlfriend turns out to "need" other women in order to feel "complete". I'm not saying these things to be "harsh". It's just things to think about because there is a lot more to it than just YOUR needs and what YOU want, and what YOU think "should" be enough for other people.

Unlike Sagency, I tend to be pessimistic and look for potential pitfalls and accidents waiting to happen. I do not consider this an unhealthy attitude. I have this whole theory about improving one's quality of life through practical pessimism (some of you are a little familiar with it already from other discussions), but this is not the time or the place for that hijack.
 

sagency

New member
Unlike Sagency, I tend to be pessimistic and look for potential pitfalls and accidents waiting to happen. I do not consider this an unhealthy attitude.

Awareness is a fine thing to have. I have a long realtionship with pessimism to tap into as needed.

I just try to look for cheery ways to tell people doom is coming to gobble them all up. Nom nom nom! :eek:
 

Minxxa

New member
Awareness is a fine thing to have. I have a long realtionship with pessimism to tap into as needed.

I just try to look for cheery ways to tell people doom is coming to gobble them all up. Nom nom nom! :eek:

I tend to do the same thing, look for ways to deliver the message so that the person will be best able to receive it, but then I'm training to be a counselor so that's kind of a necessity. I also feel that most people really do ignore the message in lieu of focusing on the delivery system-- unfortunate, but true.

In my personal life, I vastly prefer the straight shooting (like Neon does) more, harsh or not. Sometimes it's really the kick in the ass I need to shake myself out of my own little world and look at the big picture and reality.

And to get the thread back on to the OP... I had the same feeling reading the original post-- that it felt like she was trying to convince her hubs to stay monogamous, and my first thought was why not let him figure out what he wants, too? Maybe he will stay monogamous, maybe he'll see the example of what's possible and grow into more love... maybe he'll have an occasional FWB to hang out with when she's busy. Maybe he'll find some great hobbies that he didn't have time for before.

I think a lot of times when one partner opens things up, the other partner has to go through their own discovery process to find out these things, and find out what will bring more contentment to their lives. It's a process and takes time and experimentation.
 
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