How to know if im poly (completely new)

[hetcurious19]

Hi, new here. Tried to get some help on reddit but got ignored. I want to know if im poly or just delirious. Im male, het. Have a wonderful Gf. She mentioned bisexual tendencies, that she would like to experience something with a girl, but afraid of developing strong emotions towards it. Since then I started thinking about it, and forget about a casual threesome. If such thing is going to happen I want it to be something fun and special for everyone and not just "fulfilling a fantasy", an experience that makes "the three of us" grow, and an opportunity to make my partner happy and fulfill her desire for experiencing her sexuality.

A romantic triad would be something worth experiencing both on a sexual and personal level, but before I discuss it with her I want to make sure what my desires and intentions are and if Im actually poly or just delirating.

I hope this doesnt get shut down and would love to get insights from experienced people at poly relationships. Thank you for your attention and have a nice day fellas!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello hetcurious19,

Heh, you're probably lucky you got ignored on Reddit, the alternative is for people there to wipe the walls with you. To find out whether you are poly, you need to sit down and ask yourself, "Am I able to be in love with more than one person?" and then you need to ask, "Do I want to be in love with more than one person?" and finally you need to ask, "Would I be okay with my girlfriend being in love with another person in addition to me?" These are the three key questions one needs to ask oneself, in order to determine if one is poly. In the meantime, keep reading and posting on this forum as this will help you get a better idea of what poly is all about.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Lots of people, especially committed couples, think that to enter polyamory, where the female of the couple is bisexual, the first thing to do is to find a "woman to share." There is a lot wrong with this idea, and generally you will be thought of as unicorn hunters. Years ago, my ex-husband and I made the mistake, so I'm not singling you out to "wipe the walls" with you. Instead I will just recommend you and your wife read these articles from our Golden Nuggets section (list of resources).

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...

www.readyforpolyamory.com

And here's the link to Golden Nuggets for much more valuable information on polyamory and other open relationship models:

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

 

[Tinwen]

Hello hetcurious19,

Heh, you're probably lucky you got ignored on Reddit, the alternative is for people there to wipe the walls with you. To find out whether you are poly, you need to sit down and ask yourself, "Am I able to be in love with more than one person?" and then you need to ask, "Do I want to be in love with more than one person?" and finally you need to ask, "Would I be okay with my girlfriend being in love with another person in addition to me?" These are the three key questions one needs to ask oneself, in order to determine if one is poly. In the meantime, keep reading and posting on this forum as this will help you get a better idea of what poly is all about.

Regards,
Kevin T.

That, plus, "would I be ok with my girlfriend loving another person I don't date myself?"

 

[hetcurious19]

Lots of people, especially committed couples, think that to enter polyamory, where the female of the couple is bisexual, the first thing to do is to find a "woman to share." There is a lot wrong with this idea, and generally you will be thought of as unicorn hunters. Years ago, my ex-husband and I made the mistake, so I'm not singling you out to "wipe the walls" with you. Instead I will just recommend you and your wife read these articles from our Golden Nuggets section (list of resources).

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...

www.readyforpolyamory.com

And here's the link to Golden Nuggets for much more valuable information on polyamory and other open relationship models:

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

Thank you for the articles. May I know more about your experience? If thats ok, hit me a dm, if not, then do not.

 

[Tinwen]

Magdlyn has written about her poly experience in every other thread on the forum since forever, and sometimes about her marriage too. Please read around.

 

[Magdlyn]

lol Yeah, my unicorn hunting days began and ended in 1999. It was terrible and traumatic. I took a break from trying to practice polyamory until I did a lot more research and was in a time of life where I had more time to devote to multiple partners.

 

[hetcurious19]

lol Yeah, my unicorn hunting days began and ended in 1999. It was terrible and traumatic. I took a break from trying to practice polyamory until I did a lot more research and was in a time of life where I had more time to devote to multiple partners.

why did you think it make it go wrong? From complete inexperience, the thing I reflex about is how to integrate "the unicorn" organicly and without pressure or labeling but I suggest that the hard part is to maintain the bond and cultivate the relationship in the triad in a way that everyone feels comfortable and loved

 

[Magdlyn]

For me, it was this. The friend we tried it with said she was into women, but she lied, just to get to be with my (ex) husband. And even though he said the point of the threesome was for me to "explore my gay side," after we realized the woman wasn't into me as more than a friend, he still fell madly in love with her, and out of love with me. I realized he was monogamous, and suddenly set aside me, our 20-year relationship, with a house, 3 kids, etc., to pursue this woman, fully insane with his NRE. It was a horrible shock; I felt completely betrayed; I became deeply depressed; went to therapy; went on an antidepressant for a year. But it was like he just had no romantic energy for me at all after he fell for the new woman.

Eventually we split up.

 

[hetcurious19]

For me, it was this. The friend we tried it with said she was into women, but she lied, just to get to be with my (ex) husband. And even though he said the point of the threesome was for me to "explore my gay side," after we realized the woman wasn't into me as more than a friend, he still fell madly in love with her, and out of love with me. I realized he was monogamous, and suddenly set aside me, our 20-year relationship, with a house, 3 kids, etc., to pursue this woman, fully insane with his NRE. It was a horrible shock; I felt completely betrayed; I became deeply depressed; went to therapy; went on an antidepressant for a year. But it was like he just had no romantic energy for me at all after he fell for the new woman.

Eventually we split up.

oh wtf thats so fking messed up. Have to state that this is the biggest fear we both have (me and my partner, although she never mention "poly-tendencies", and she doesnt know yet about "mine´s"). I even said to her that I also wanted to help her exploring her bisexuality and meet someone we both like and that likes both of us. Is there a common pattern that helps "new-poly people" to avoid this kind of situations? (also, sorry if Im opening a wound by trying to learn more).

Personally I always keep in mind everythiing my partner does for me (she said to me rn that she was going to make me a Gromit mug with her hands), and I mentally train myself to prepare for moments of temptation and separate "my body´s needs" from my wants and life goals.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, this is a common pattern. Please read those articles I linked to learn about this common mistake.

I'm fine discussing it; it's not painful. But this is such a common topic. If you do searches for "unicorn" and "triad" and find the dozens of threads on this topic, I won't need to retype the common advice.

 

[hetcurious19]

Yes, this is a common pattern. Please read those articles I linked to learn about this common mistake.

I'm fine discussing it; it's not painful. But this is such a common topic. If you do searches for "unicorn" and "triad" and find the dozens of threads on this topic, I won't need to retype the common advice.

I checked the end of the first article and its sounds logical to have those things into consideration before trying poly and they sound like the standart mindset for a monorelationship. Am I right if I said that most people concepts and expectations about relationships kinda twisted or Im just egotistical?

Going to the last paragraph, I already thought that "a 2v1 situation" would make the third one uncomfortable against to people that already know eachother well but I dont see dating separately as it states on the paragraph useful because you would eventually tell the third one that a preexisint partner exist, my guess is that from the first time you should state that you are poly/opening the relationship.